Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

My condolences Helen. I hope all the support you gave him will be a comfort to you in the weeks and months to come.

Helen, so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you xxx

So sorry for your loss Helen. I think you must be a lovely person, to be offering comfort to others, while you have been going through so much yourself.

I am sorry. I hope the GP did not leave you waiting too long.

Seems like step-dad has sepsis. He is at that stage where he is deemed well enough to make his own decisions, just does not make the right ones.

Nearly 4 days without passing urine, doctor was informed but did not visit,. He refused carers trying to get him to doctors or hospital. So eventually I had to call ambulance. They may have caught it in time. He is struggling to breath and speak and has penicillin drip through his nose.

Now the next problem is, he tells me "I hope I don't come out so that I can be with Mum". He is not eating at the moment because he feels so poorly. I really don't know what to do. Should I say anything about how he feels. I have PoA but I don't feel that I can advocate for him, because I don't know what he wants.

It was much easier last year when my mum died because she had a very clear End of Life Plan. Her stroke meant that she could not eat or drink. The hospital were wonderful and she eased out of life.

I don't think his condition is life threatening, but I wonder if it is worth speaking to anyone not on the medical team, perhaps PALs. I don't want it to seem that I am trying to be rid of him. Just that with so many disabilities and his own expressed wishes it seems so hard for him.

QuerkyJo, I think it is worth talking to someone about your step dads wishes and about what might be in his best interests. You could tell one of his nurses about what he has been expressing and ask if they have someone you could talk to - maybe even the chaplain? They can be a really good listening ear, and are very non judgemental.

I think that's a good idea of CMOT's, it's such a difficult thing if you don't know and that's what the medical staff are there to help with.

Initially there's often the big relief of having got the POA through but it is kind of a double edge sword.

Just after I posted, I got a call to say that last night he has taken a turn for the worse . I have been to see him and spoke to his doctor who was excellent. She said his numbers were very low and are not changing. They were going to transfer him to ICU but will not do that now. She will speak to consultant about DNR. Like lots of others on here I am just hoping for a quick and peaceful end

I'm sorry to hear that he's taken a turn for the worse, but not going to ICU sounds like a decision thats kinder.

My thoughts are with you (((())))

Sorry to hear your news Querky, but it sounds like he has had enough and the hspital are going to look after him which is good. I am sure no one is going to think anything bad of you. I hope all goes as well as possible.

Sorry to hear your update querky. Like many others I share the view that the icu decision is correct. Sending you((((())))) and wishing him peace. Thinking of you.

Sorry to hear that Querkyjo. I also share the same view about ICU and my thoughts are with you (((((((())))))))

Haven't been on here for a little while as I now have no elderly parents - DM having died 3 weeks ago. Just popped back to see how you were all getting on.

Helen I'm so sorry for your loss. At least your DF is in peace now.
Querky I hope your Step Dad goes quickly and peacefully too - my DM went in her sleep within 48 hrs of the hospital saying she was nearing the end.

Oh BBB, I am sorry for your loss

I am hoping that when the time comes, my DM has a peaceful end too.

I am currently at her (ex) house, buried under a million bin bags - trying to clear stuff. Sympathies to anyone eho has had to do this. Going to visit her tomorrow with DH.

I'm sorry for your loss BBB- you have been through a lot. I hope you are feeling as OK as you can in these circumstances.
BTM I had to clear my grandparents' apartment right back to the walls prior to selling it. It was so tough as I had been close to them from birth to age 36. Tough but necessary. I hope the visit tomorrow goes well.

Hello Bbb. How are you doing? It must be a very difficult time. Good to see you.
Helen- thinking of you

Oh querky. Much hugs.

BTM. You have my complete sympathy. House clearing last year was just so difficult. Still have lots of it here to go through.

Clearing dads room is done down to the wheelchair and pictures. Strangely terribly sad that he's had less than a large car boot of belongings for the last year ( not that he would have gained pleasure from having other stuff, but still) and that is was cleared I a few hours - clothes to the homeless ( good to know that the many lovely fleece jackets and joggers will have another life ) and the cd / DVDs to the home for their " library ".

BBB much love.

I'm feeling so rootless and alone despite having my own lovely family. Dh is an absolute gem and the kids couldn't be more brilliant , but still rootless. I assume it fades? I feel that more than sad. So odd

And did I tell you the bloody gerbil is dying too ? Nearly took her to the vets but she perked up. Now looking dreadful again but still eating her sunflower seeds !

Not a lot good to say about my 51st year yet ...

Helen I have lurked on this thread for a long time. In my case it wasn't for an elderly parent but my aunt, who died last week.

I am the same age as you and lost my DM 20 years ago and then my DF very suddenly 11 years ago. I totally understand what you mean about feeling rootless, that is exactly the word I used when I became a 40 year old orphan. Yes, it does fade, but for quite some time I felt like I'd been cut adrift, even though it was a good while since I'd had parents I could lean on. My heart goes out to you.

With the death of my aunt I no longer have any family remaining in the generation above. It's a strange feeling to be top of the tree, especially when I have contemporaries who have yet to lose a parent. I am trying to view this as the beginning of a new chapter of my life after nearly 20 years of having an older relative to always take into account.

Be kind to yourself.

Sitting in the pub with DH who is trying to cheer me up (well actually on phone to DS ATM!) after a sad visit with my DM. We couldn't actually go into the home as they are on shutdown because of a virus but she was all ready for us and we to her out for tea and cake. She insisted on taking a pile of stuff with us and got it all out in the cafe - old specs I haven't seen for 35 years as well as her old brooches and some false teeth! She was speaking in a very loud voice and we narrowly avoided her showing us and everybody else her bra (which is too big) but did share that she is now incontinent. She also said she wishes she could just die at least 10 times

We are going to take her out for lunch tomorrow if she hasn't gone down with the virus, but I am not looking forward to it.

Has anyone got any lines I can say when she says she wishes she could just die? Whilst she is definitely going downhill dementia-wise, she doesn't look like she's anywhere near deaths door.

Hugs and sympathy to you Mrs Buddha and Helen. Sorry about the gerbil too.
BTM it is so hard isn't it- I remember taking mil out with her handbag full of multiple pairs of knickers she kept on getting out.
What to say when they say they want to die? It's so hard. Distraction seemed best with mil. Food was always of interest.
Quirky how are things? And BTM? How is the clearing going? It stirs so many memories.
SPT is no news good news? I hope so.

BTM, when my mum went through a stage of saying that, moving swiftly on seemed to work best.

Helen, sorry to hear about the gerbil, so not what you need right now

Yes we tried distraction/moving on quickly. Food is a good distraction! CMOT, did your DM stop saying it?

Clearing is going OK though I've just realised that I left a load of important paperwork in a bag I gave to DM (well the carer took it in for her) by mistake - really hope we can retrieve it all tomorrow. My head is just so full and I can't relax - I'm finding it completely exhausting, but it has to be done.

I went to the hospital today and he is no worse. He was sitting propped up and awake but struggling to breath. He smiled when he saw me and waved his hand. They tried to feed him some lunch but he refused it. I did get him to have a bit of custard but he got exhausted after a couple of mouthfuls. I know there will be no interventional feeding which I am pleased about. So it is just whether the antibiotics are strong enough to fight the pneumonia and sepsis.

It is a wait and see, now. He speaks about his desire to die all the time. I just say "I know, you do, it is so hard isn't it". We have a good relationship and he is easy to talk to as his dementia is quite mild.' Just so many physical problems. Once again this forum is so comforting.

She did stop. She also stopped saying really embarrassing things which was a bit of a blessing as dad was finding it hard taking her out