Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

Hi Tilly- well I'm not sure- just trying to find something soft/ brushed cotton that does up to the neck?
Hope all is calm with everyone[ wine]

Have you got sandwich?

Wyncyette blouses are making be think of brushed nylon nighties from Brentford Nylons

What an image! Lovely colours I really! No...,not what I was thinking😄

I recall!

Another sad / frustrating visit to dad. Again " switched off" . Muttering random nonsense, plucking at the blankets etc whist sat in the chair a bit unstably , occaisionally grabbing his drink but not being able to do anything with it.

But I spoon fed him stewed apples and custard like a hungry toddler. Yep with his eyes still shut. Drank squash with a straw but didn't seem to be able to stop sucking when he wanted too -- kept slurping after the straw was out of his mouth !

I really can't see what in his life now gives him any pleasure :(

Helen I am sorry.

Helen, I am so sorry too.

I'm sorry HelenluvsRob , fully get where you're coming from

So sorry Helen.

How's everyone?

Dad steadily going downhill. Eating and drinking less today. Ds worried he was in pain but I took a GP this evening and he was quietly asleep looking comfortable.

Suppose this could go on for weeks. I hope not though. I'd rather he didn't pick my birthday.

Sorry to hear that Helen but great he's staying comfortable.

Dad is still being a bit of a pita tbh, but had enjoyed seeing my brother and his children for 20 minutes on Saturday.

Sorry to hear he's being a bit of a pita CMOT.

We're in the same boat HelenluvsRob. She's back to not being able to speak really I think . Not easy getting hold of morphine and we found that she'd only been getting half as much as doctor said but my Brother has now got hold of morphine patches which should address that, not many though so he'll have to do regular hospital runs.

We also needed to address the vitamins etc she was being given so he took a deep breath and asked them to stop as have agreed on nothing to artificially prolong life and good pain relief. with you on the realising it could go on for weeks but rather it doesn't .

Hugs sugarplum.

Well the rollercoaster was on the up today. Got in over lunch time ( with laptop to do admin remotely !)

He'd just had a wash / shave / nail do and the works from his favourite pair of carers and was plugged into the world, eyes open and telling em off ! He looked pleased to see me and said a few semi appropriate phrases which we haven't had for a week!

Ate 3 " zero fat " yogurts as lunch was sandwiches which would have been a laugh. Had to get his care plan changed though " as you are taking away his choice". What? His choice to choke? And zero fat? WTF! Anyway he ate them fine. But coughing after drink ....think he's aspirating.

SALT coming Thursday after requested to speak to a manager to formally complain that an urgent referral from 29/2 had been triage for action 3rd week in April ! The found a cancellation....good that !

Damn. Meant to ask to stop his meds too. Anticoagulation isn't in his best interest now I'm sure.

Oh HelenluvsRob it really is a roller coaster isn't it it seems that nothing is straightforward with any of this. The carers have it down to a fine art with my Mother and the hoist and one can now single handedly get her into the shower. All those months of her refusing then in the final stage she is finally clean..

Agree about the anticoagulants for what it's worth. I was supposed to have an update about the morphine patches yesterday but all was quiet. I've given up worrying whether silence good or bad.

Don't know about anyone else but I'm not sorry to see the end of term.

Sugar how's things today?

Dad had SALT yesterday and can have a mashed diet without anyone saying we are taking away his right to choose ( choose ? He doesn't have capacity even to do that, if you decided to read his body language you'd say he's chosen not to eat or drink as he makes no indication now).

Went to cathedral to hear dd2 sing last night ( solemn foot washing incense, stripping of the altar, the works very beautiful service ) but blubbed all the way through because the dean started the sermon with " when did you last was someone else's feet". I can't be the only person for whom the answer was " my Mum when we were laying her out" can I?

Oh Helen, that must have been hard to hear and bring back those memories I'm glad you've got the diet sorted out now, they aren't big on written care plans in Thailand it must be said.

The day started yesterday with a photo of her nearly smiling, sitting at the breakfast table with two eggs, cereal, toast, bananas and holding a bottle of water. I think the morphine is taking away the pain so she feels better. But this isn't what my Brither expected, he as saying she shouldn't be eating all this on the morphine, he seemed to think she would be in a haze on it. I sent him an article explaining about it which did say that it doesn't help fir bone pain so he was saying she needs a PET scan to see where the cancer is.

I'm worried about him, by his own admission he's drinking too much, so that must be a lot. He's had no experience of the dying process no I don't think his expectations are realistic, we all know it can be long with many peaks and troughs. He's approaching it as a series of problems to be solved and is becoming unstuck as it doesn't work like that eg. is the distress showing on her face cancer pain or dementia? Sadly we just won't know, she's been awful sundowning before so likelihood is probably the dementia but he's now really worried (understandably) it is pain.

Now she doesn't really know him and she can't speak to him he's very adrift and just wants it over but I think it might be quite a time . I think it helps to have parenting experience to deal with this as it introduces you to the idea that tough decisions do sometimes need making but his son is still little and he's hardly seen him so has no really experience he can translate across. He's under a lot of pressure with work too and I have a horrible feeling I'll get a call one day and something awful has happened to him. It's quiet today, he hasn't been ringing, just emailing and I think that's a sign of him being too cut up to talk about it.

Sorry, long answer to a short question.

Aww SPT. That must be really hard at a distance to cope with. Sounds like you mum is as you'd expect but your brother is struggling.

The roller coaster with dad is on one of those steep climbs that preceded a big fall I reckon. Drinking by himself. Mangling sandwiches and actually watching some inspector lyndley in the tv ! Mobility still gone though.

He's having a bubble bath in the assisted bath after I go!

Best wishes to all.

Now for a (not stealthy) boast.

One of the big issues has been finding that balance between the demands of our parents and the needs of our children without being squeezed altogether. My daughter has had grandparents needing help all through her secondary years, and as the youngest grandchild she missed out on the good times. During the crisis when she was about 14 she used to bake cakes to greet me when I returned from staying at my mums.

Another issue has been the loss, essentially, of my mother. Our relationship was not always easy, but we were able to talk on the phone and she used to be interested in what was going on, if only to then repeat it to others. (The golf club sounded as bad as the school run for stealth boasting.)

I cant do this any more. She is only interested in herself, not in others. Plus she does not remember so has no context. She may ask a dozen times in a conversation about my children but its pointless.

This was particularly difficult last summer when my daughter had a potentially fatal accident and my husband suffered a life threatening illness. I did not mention either to my mother, as she was more interested in petty complaints about her daily life, and I would not have got the support I was seeking.

Sooo. My daughter got into med school. Indeed she got two offers including the one she really really wanted, but which has 25 applicants per place. Lots of dancing around here. My mother wont be interested. A decade ago my parents would have been so proud. My mum has lost so much.

The expiosure our children have had to the realities of life is probably a positive as well as a negative, even if at times it feels as if they are being short-changed.

Huge huge congrats to mini nms. And brag away.

Huge congratulations to daughter of NMS, thats an amazing achievement. And I sympathise with the lack of anyone to celebrate things with.

NMS that is huge. She has done so well. DS got no place 2yrs ago and got the AAA* grades anyway. He's loving neuroscience though it's not hugely stretching him. I think he'll persue the clinical arm of that - strangely he has a big interest in dementia lol! I'd love to know where she's going. PM me if you don't want it public.

Here are my proud and no one to share them moments from last night. Bach St. John passion dd sang the 1st soprano aria and DS was Pilate

Dd doing her solo and ds 2nd from right middle row red tie in the full photo.

Helen it looks as if she will go to Bristol which looks lovely. I remember your son's journey. It is pretty awful. I am not sure if DD would have gone through it again if she had not a place first time around.

Also thank you for sharing your photos. I think this thing would be much more difficult without our children.

And thank you everyone. It is in times like these when I miss my mum. Certainly last summer when my family were sick I found it hard to engage in her world when there was no point in telling her about mine

NMS that is amazing news, a huge well done to her (and you for supporting her)

Bristol is indeed lovely, I lived my year working at the University. I'm sure she'll love it.

Helenandrob, thank you for sharing those pictures, they are lovely and you must be vety proud of them both

A sideceffect of what's happening with my Mother is I'be become a bit homesick fir my hometown (Bristol!) Which had caught me by suprise.