Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

Yes, Auriga, that has happened with my DM too - the change from making decisions and now being very happy to just go with what I or others say.

Fingers crossed she is still OK today

Auriga. My Mother was supposed to start morphine yesterday. She's sleeping loads already so we think she's likely not to be awake pretty much at all on it.

She wants her ashes scattered in her home country, which is actually illegal but we're doing it anyway. She'll be cremated in Thailand then we'll meet my Brother later to do ashes. DD very upset about not being at funeral so wants to do something on the day of the funeral here.

BBB I hope you're as OK ad you can be in the circumstances.

NMS, glad she is more content.

CMOT glad the trip went well but sorry you came straight back into the thick of it.

SugarPlum, I think that's a great idea to do something here with your DD on the day of the funeral - helping to mark it in some way that feels right to you.
And the scattering of the ashes will also be good for saying goodbye I guess

BBB much hugs

Sugar thinking of you.

slightly fuming/LOLing at the ignorant AIBU about " sending you relatives away to be cared for by strangers "

Haven't seen that one HLR. Probably just as well

Helen, tbh I think of those threads as being like people who don't have children pontificating about how their child will never watch tv/ have a phone blah blah.
It upsets me more when people say 'oh, my mum says to send her to Switzerland' and so on, as it fails to acknowledge that you don't get to make that choice so simply. My mum used to say that, but when would you? When she couldn't name a cup, but was getting a lot of pleasure out of life. Or a few months later when she stopped reading and so on. Theres no predictable course for dementia, so you couldn't tell the difference between my mum, and my friends nana who has spent 20 years in a very happy pink cloud where her short term memory is gone, but enjoys life to the full.

Exactly CMOT! totally with you on that .

I watched the BBC film about simon going to switzerland with his MND recently and even with his 100% sharp mind and insight he nearly got his timing so very wrong. Things changed and he almost couldn't operate the equipment he needed to to kill himself.

Until about 3 weeks ago i'd say dad had a quality of life. i'm not sure now- mind you if he enjoys sleeping as much has I enjoy sleeping, maybe he does even now have quality? It's just you have no way of finding out.

You're right there, you can't tell. In many ways, my dad has less quality of life than mum as she doesn't have to worry about him, think about the future, organise things and so on.

I ordered the new bath lift, and told dad to just get the scooter people to do his tyre as I couldn't get it much cheaper. He then started arguing that the bloke on the market said he got them cheap on ebay.... so bloody frustrating when they can well afford to get the engineer out without dad injuring himself changing it

helenluvsrob that op did eventually have the grace to apologise for her insensitivity. I expect that she realised how it sounded to those currently in the situation.

I absolutely agree with what you said about that other thread CMOT. There are so many reasons why people cannot or don't want to care for their ageing relatives - and no one should judge them for that. I care for my now adult severely disabled DD and even if my DM would have moved to live near to me, i think caring for her would have tipped me over the edge. Glad the OP saw sense and apologised.

Sugarplum I'm doing ok thanks. Things going slowly here - the hospital still haven't issued the medical certificate, although it should be ready later today but DB can't get over there now until Thursday to register the death and visit the funeral director. Been trying to think about all the funeral arrangements - it all seemed so straight forward when DF died as we just did what DM wanted but now there are 3 families to take into account. Guess I should get over to the bereavement topic and get some advice on how to a)organise a funeral when none of the family live near the deceased and b) how to be diplomatic when your siblings don't agree on the arrangements
Sorry that your DM seems to have deteriorated, I think doing something special with your DD on the day of the funeral is an excellent idea.

I am all on my own today and feeling very lonely as I am rarely by myself. DD is away in respite for a few days, DH has gone away for 2 days for work and DS isn't back from Uni until the weekend. I was googling hymns before and seeing which ones I could sing without crying - some were worse than others!

BBB, the arrangements can all be done from afar by instructing the funeral director. Of course, knowing what these are when there isn't an agreement is an issue! Is it major things that you disagree on?

Leave the singing to everyone else, and just choose one that your mum liked.

And be kind to yourself

I am sorry for your loss BBB.

My mum went out to 'Thine Be the Glory'I love the words and the triumphant nature of the music.

I think DB2 & I probably have similar tastes but DB1 is trying to do everything as we did it for DFs funeral because he thinks that is what DM wants just because she wanted that for DF. We are not really disagreeing, I am just politely trying to steer him in a slightly different direction. Eg today he asked me if I wanted to visit DM in the chapel of rest next week. I said not really - I only did it for DF as DM wanted to and I just went along to support her. Now DB1 thinks he should go just because we did it for DF. I don't really want to go - DM was ill so didn't look brilliant when she died, whereas DF died suddenly and unexpectedly - so he looked well (if that makes sense), but equally if DB1 felt he should go, I would feel bad if he went alone. But it is a 3 hour return trip and DB2 definitely won't go because he said he didn't want to last time.

Also different opinions on flowers - again DB1 wanting to do the same as we did for DF because DM chose those so must be what she wanted. But DB2 & I want something different as the flowers at DFs funeral weren't to our taste but it was DMs choice so we kept quiet

DB2 and I both just want the funeral service on the actual day, but DM was Catholic as was DF and for DF we had a short service the night before the funeral where the coffin was "received in to the Church" and then the funeral the following morning. This is quite common for Catholic funerals,it seems, but will be a logistical nightmare for my family as it would mean 2 return trips (3 hrs travel each time) to the funeral venue, as we can't stay over due to DD and getting care for her twice will be difficult. And so it goes on...... I think we'll probably agree on the hymns though

Oh big blue can I share some and with you? It must be really hard. Sorry you are alone. Find your own way to say goodbye. DF went out to the day thou gavest which I love. Be kind to yourself.

Thanks thesandwich I have actually had a glass of wine and cracked open a box of Maltesers which were for DS as part of his Easter egg whilst watching Happy Valley

😎😎😎

BBB, bit early for wine and chocolate so here's some and .Is there anyone else who could go to the chapel of rest to support DB1?

Strange day yesterday. Was on phone to Brother before first dose of morphine was to be administered. He was gearing himself up to go and say goodbye as convinced she would just sleep all the time with morphine and saying how only gibberish coming out when she tries to speak. He was saying how she often had tears in her eyes, her mouth has her lips pressed very tight, she puts her thumb through her fingers and clenches tight and sometimes shakes and I was on the get morphine into her asap, she's in pain but expect the unexpected.

Got a call from him later, he's gone in to find her with a big stoned grin on her face, pumpkin soup around her mouth and her saying perfectly 'have a good night' when he left .

He went in this morning with a new shirt on and she asked him if he'd been shopping plus looks so much more relaxed. So he's changed his plans from staying up there till she goes as realises it could be some time. The last 6 weeks have been a roller coaster.

BBB, is the priest helpful? My mother's was when my dad died, steering her towards a well respected funeral director and generally giving guidance. At the time we did not understand how advanced her dementia was as my dad had been covering, but the priest seemed experienced in supporting widows/families who needed a helping hand at a difficult time.

Even so I found racing round doing admin such as getting the death certificate was tiring, and very odd. I remember going into quite an expensive dress shop, somewhere I normally would only visit during a sale, and asked them to find me something suitable for a funeral. I sat down, they made me a cup of tea and then they brought things to me. I was so grateful. I can't remember how many days bereavement leave I was given, but I was so busy. I should really have booked a couple of days additonal leave after the funeral and spent them doing nothing.

Malteasers sound good. I am all in favour of stealing chocolate from children. Actually SBT, the morphine sounds great as well.

Sugarplum I've had coffee this morning but then went to the gym so maybe need to skip the cake . It is so hard when your loved one is so up and down that you don't know if the end is near or if they have weeks/months to go. We went from waiting for a rehab bed to waiting to a palliative care bed to not going to plan a move at all, in the space of 2 weeks.

needmoresleep I don't know the priest. DB met him briefly on Saturday but he's not the same one that was there when DF died 2 years ago.

There isn't really anyone else who could go to the Chapel of Rest with DB except his wife - and she and my DM weren't close. I think the priest would go if he was asked - the other one went and said prayers with my DM when we went to see DF. I'm hoping he opts not to go at all really as I don't think he actually wants to go but thinks it would be the right thing to do.

Sugarplum I'm so pleased your mum has got her pain relief now.

Thinking of you bbb.

Saw dad today. Can't make him out. Spent all the time with his eyes shut including having a drink, burbling and trying to eat his blanket despite me holding his hand / squeezing his wrist / bellowing in his ear etc. Thrn as I was going he looked at he and said " you off then ?"

He's eating his meals but seems to want to be " unplugged " from life the rest of the time. How odd.

BBB thinking of you, it's hard planning funerals, and you're never quite sure if you've got it right, but in the end, if it feels like the right thing, it is. DF wrote a detailed plan once before he went into hospital, but tore it up on return and when he died we were clueless. DM has made plenty of pointed remarks since that time so we know what she wants.

Sugarplum, marking the occasion over here sounds like a great idea. There's so many nice ways to do it, balloons or flowers or even just a sit in a peaceful place.

CMOT. Well done on the caring shopping! I am stairlift buying this week, next week will be bathroom related. Mum thinks she can do the bath lift, but I think not. We will discuss it next week.

HelenluvsRob - he knows you are there, that is enough. I also watched the Simon film. It was a bit too close to home, but very enlightening. x

Auriga - tough times, but you are making the right decisions for your mum and she is lucky to have you doing that. It is so hard though.

I have a rare night off tonight, so have had a lovely bath and am about to settle down to Netflix whilst eating my Amaretto chocolate eggs (alcohol and chocolate in one mouthful, a real time saver!)

Thinking of you all. x

I think a morphine sounds like a great idea too and think I might have been too clean living up until now !

HelenluvsRob my Mother sort of locks out when in hospital. She lies there with eyes shut but if you pressed spoon to her mouth she would eat. Think it is the unfamiliar surroundings and sensory overload. As Tarrarra says, he knows you're there.

Thank goodness for technology. My Mother had suddenly reverted to German today though apparently does see, to understand English. They're experimenting with something that will translate speech or something. Other than that she is very spaced out and Brother left her watching Space Muppets. I was at least able to translate Miss Piggy into German for him.

Tarrara, if you are looking at bathlifts, this is the one I had to buy (recommended by their carer as she uses it at a few places and it goes right down in the bath which is what mum wanted). It was delivered yesterday, so v speedy

SPT, Space Muppets while on morphine sounds like a very interesting experience!

Thinking of you BBB, hope things are settling

Hello all. Hope you are doing ok with all your challenges.
I wondered if anyone could recommend old lady wyncyette type blouses? Just helping DM get undressed at the Chiroporactor _ huge struggle with jumper! She has gone off damart! Thanks

Wyncyette blouses? Are they a thing?