Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

Blondieminx I am so very sorry What dreadful behaviour from your sister, I sometimes wonder what goes through people's heads when they behave like I'm really pleased it was peaceful for your Dad..

One day at a time is definitely the way forward.

Oh Blondie - BIG un Mumsnetty hugs ((())).

Will be thinking of you...

Wishing you strength, glad to hear it was peaceful. It really is a case of one step at a time for the next days and weeks. I had to arrange my mum's funeral 20 years ago. Somehow you get through it. x x

Thinking of you blondie

so very sorry blondie

my sister told me to get on with my own life now, straight after mum had died, she had no idea mum was my life

families eh....

Thanks ladies xxx people have been SO kind today and I think I have proper help lined up for the 2 more stressful issues I have to sort out so that's a huge weight off my mind. Think I'll sleep better tonight!!!

Morning Blondieminx, hope you slept. Really glad you have help lined up, lovely to hear people are helping.

Things not going so well here. Got called out yesterday as Mum refusing bandages again and being very difficult with staff. Brother sorting move asap to Dementia unit, hopefully the next couple of days and SS plus CPN coming in as will probably have to have Best Interests meeting.

All rather deja vu and her parting shot yesterday was to forget she is my Mother. Much easier second time round especially when on same page as Brother instead of having to fight him. Still quite draining though.

am confused sugarplum, who said you have to forget she is your Mother? Thats impossible!

I take it your own mother instructed you to forget she is your mother? Or did she tell you she'd forgotten she's your mother? Either way, really hurtful. It's amazing how much you have to toughen up around a parent with dementia. I'm sometimes amazed at what I get through during a visit to my Dad's. Stuff that would have made me burst into tears a coupe of years ago, I just plough through these days. But maybe one day it'll properly hit me and I'll cry my eyes out.I hope the move to the dementia unit works out. Good to hear your brother is on board.

That sounds very hard SugarPlum ... I hope the meeting is productive and constructive. Any chance of the docs tweaking her meds to help with the aggression? One day at a time...

DD woke up for a wee at 4.20 for a wee so sleep was not as restful as I'd have liked!

Sorry you got a broken night Blondieminx, how are you doing today?

Sorry I wasn't very clear. My Mother said that as I was on the way out. NH had GP out yesterday. Mum questioned his ability, he was very firm and legs currently bandaged as she has listened to him.

Psychiatrist went in today and spent an hour with her, she questioned his competence (notice a theme? ) . Full capacity assessment, she hasn't got it. He is going to talk with GP.

His feeling is if she keeps taking off bandages then a Dementia unit won't make much difference as they won't have power there to keep them on so apparently mentioned the Mental Health Assessment unit and restraint and all the legal stuff involved in it.

NH will keep her for now if she keeps bandages on and lets them treat her legs. Brother waiting to hear what Psychiatrist comes back with.

I just am so glad I went to counselling Bob as I feel it really helped me develop the skills to handle it much better than I would have done.

Glad you got that counselling too Plum.
Have you thought of applying for CHC for your mum? Sounds like here needs are snowballing and maybe it's time for the NHS to fund her. Just a thought.

I was just thinking that earlier Bob but haven't started to read up yet as to how to go about it. I guess we wait to see what Psychiatrist says for now and take it from there ?

I haven't tried it (yet) but from what i gather from the Alz Forum, you cannot assume for one minute that statutory bodies will take it upon themselves to apply, or even point you in the right direction. I think you ask SS services for a CHC assessment. There is strong feeling that social services are often not particularly helpful but if you keep pushing they have to assess. If you are refused and then appeal and it is granted, it has to be backdated to when you were refused. There is info on the Alz Soc website.

Thank you. I just had a look and if it does become necessary to section her and it is in a section 3, then she would become eligible for after care being paid which I think is different to NHS CHC.

Manager at the Dementia place I wanted her to go to say they help with CHC. But unless she becomes compliant I think there is a fairly good chance she'll have to go to The Mental Health Unit for a bit.

I'll see what happens in next few days and take it from there. Thanks for flagging it up.

Does your mum have a social worker yet SugarPlum? Could they assist you with CHC? It does seem that you have to chase everything which is so wearing. Everything's been cut so much that healthcare workers seem to be fighting fires all the time (whole other thread there though).

Hope everyone is coping ok today x

Steady progress here, sorting out Dad's estate is going to be a mammoth task though. Starting with an overseas car issue...

Sugar plum have you been listening to Case Notes on radio 4, 9 to 9:30pm today. There was a very informative item re CHC. Catch up on listen again if you missed it.
Wishing you fortitude Blondie. One step at a time. Bereavement is exhausting without all the bureaucracy that comes with it.

I'll try and catch up with that Bob, thank you. I think Mum is getting a new social worker as old one in a different office. Will see what rest of the week brings. At least no one expects like to make any decisions which makes it a whole lot easier. Maybe as the Nursing Home say, now all the health professional s are involved she will tie the line - unlikely but you never know.

I'm glad you are making progress Blondieminx. Overseas car sounds like a very unwelcome complication. I tale it your sister has left it all to you to do ?

Can I come in? I’m struggling. My mum is recently out of hospital with multiple health problems, including severe back pain, low blood pressure and an incurable bone marrow disease. She’s 81, dad is 79. They’ve had to leave their dream home abroad to return to England (they have a small house here) to look for treatment, and to be closer to family here. I live a mile or so from them, I have 2 brothers who live further away, one about an hour away, one abroad. My DCs are teenagers so they are pretty self-reliant but of course they still need me, especially DD who’s hormones are raging. I encouraged my DPs to move close to me, and I am happy, underneath it all, to help and encourage and visit them as much as I can. But. It’s draining me. I sat with my DM, talking about what’s happening the other day and wanted to run away. Now I feel guilty. Am about to go out but wanted to say hello, will be back later. and to you Blondie - so sorry for your loss.

Hi Pingpongbat, I'm very sorry to hear about your parents. Raging hormone and sick parents are a very difficult combination. I think wanting to run away is a very natural reaction - I hope it is as I felt like that earlier.

My Mother flipped out on my Brother earlier so he spoke to Psychiatrist. Different story to what NH were saying, no mention of the assessment unit. The paranoia was totally hidden from him so he was very interested to hear more about that and is considering antipsychotics. Also getting SW to see what other suitable homes are available.

Meanwhile Brother got phone call from Mother who had forgotten about their argument. She said could she have something between the wound and dressing on her leg, like cling film.

So Brother knowing that cling film can be used on burns dutifully Googled and said indeed cling film can be used on cellulitis so has called Dermatologists secretary to ask about this. He then went off to bed as late over there.

So I have had a look at Google as was let's say surprised to hear about the cling film. But I haven't really found anything about it, only cling film used on cellulite...

Google tegaderm + ulcers sugar plum. Not saying it necessarily would be suitable in your mum s case. It provides a breathable membrane over a wound.

Ah thank you Bob - so he might have had a point then !

PingPong dear god, elderly parents to worry about plus stroppy hormonal teenagers sounds full on. Make sure you are getting support as well - if you are always giving, then you will feel drained. You need to plan for filling up your own emotional tank x

SugarPlum I have delegated a large but non urgent job to Dear Sis while I get on with the rest. I think it's a v good idea for the SW to help looking at NH's. Getting them to do those checks will open their eyes as to how tricky the situation is for your family. Wishing you strength & patience.

Thanks whataboutbob

Very productive day today with Dad's car, there is a Sensitive Investigations team at the DVLA so I just write to them, and on a related note the lovely MNHQ folk even picked me for satnav testing and I get to keep it after, yay! Tomorrow will be a bit odd, the appointment to formally register dad's death. After that we can finally do the funeral arrangements. People are being so kind which helps.

Please do pop over to this thread as the Department for Health wants our views on "improvements" in care