Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

Quick question? Is there any chance she is starting to suffer from dementia? One of the very first alarm bells with my mum, which I did not recognise at the time, was her being really aggressive to my dad. Character change is an early indicator. It was as if she was angry at him getting ill.

Other signs were repetition in conversation, a loss of interest in Grandchildren etc, and the inability to check consume by dates on food.

Other that that, do join us. Its tough isn't it.

Thank you.

It's hard to know. I don't think I have seen any signs of dementia. The truth (sadly) is that my mother has always had a quick temper and a very sharp tongue. (She also has a fairly relaxed attitude to sell by dates!). But you are right - it's something to bear in mind.

How do others cope? Seems like my mother had a bit of a turn a couple of days ago and started accusing me of various things. No mention yesterday when I saw her indeed she was in an unusually good mood and happy to see me. The manager then took me aside to tell me what happened. She was clear that they did not believe my mother. (As I am when they inform me that she has made comparable accusations about their staff.) However it appears my mother has also complained to a third party who does not know me or my mother well. My mother can sound very credible in the moment.

Obviously when I spoke to her today, my mother had no recollection of any complaint. Plus no appreciation of what I do for her. (Six hours round trip yesterday essentially to check all was well, that she had clean clothes and had recently been encouraged into the shower, plus she had staples such as toothpaste. The usual. On one level not much, on another a whole day out of my life.)

So a need to deal with the third party and to get them to understand the situation. Plus a general moan about the fact there is so little positive feedback for what I do. Its probably that I am tired after a long day. But I still need to rant. Thank you for reading.

Oh need more it's so hard isn't it? And for you. It's a thankless task and so upsetting.

You are doing an amazing job. Are you looking after yourself? Treat yourself today. And give yourself a big pat on the back.

Thank you so much. The rant helped!

I think it is the autumn term thing. DD has brought home one bug after another. I think pushing myself a bit too far at a point when I may have been succumbing to something, means I am sitting at home with a list of chores and a newly sore throat, without achieving much.

It really is hard NMS. Can you just take time out for a few weeks, or even a couple of months? You have been dutiful and made sure you r mother is safe. Her dementia is not a situation of your own making. It is so hard becuae the situation just goes on and on, with a lot of effort on your part, and little rewards. in all areas of life: work, children, friends, we are used to getting positive feedback/ growth for our efforts. But with demented parents, there can be very little of that.
Went to see Dad Tuesday. He s still restless, had to have 4 walks, wanted to go into town again at 7pm, when I started walking back towards his house he said "you're rotten, you're foul". I stuck to my guns, and within a couple of minutes he'd forgotten. There were other difficult moments him trying to put on my (nice, French) jacket, me saying it was mine, him shouting "you're lying", him getting angry when i undressed him to bathe him. I'm mostly hardened to it, but boy it sucks.

Bob, thank you. Its probably not a complement, but I can usually rely on you to put any problems I have into perspective. I was only just getting over your dad being banned from Poundland, when you share a lovely image of your dad trying to wear your clothes.

You are absolutely right. I somehow still want my mum to praise me and tell me I am great. It never happened when I was a child, and it won't happen now. One silver lining of the caring for elderly parents lark is a greater self awareness and acceptance. As if you can only finish growing up once the child relationship you have with your parents gets overturned.

A bit deep for this time of the evening. To cheer myself up I bought a pack of walnut whips from M&S and now feel sick.

Can I join, please?
Both parents still alive, but DF with dementia and secondary bone cancer. Has already been treated for prostate cancer and lost a kidney due to a tumour. DM battling through it, with me close behind.

She's needing more and more help these days. They have someone 2 days a week, but I could really do with moving in for a few days and sending Mum away. Trouble is, all the medical appointments and uncertainty mean we cannot plan for anything.

I'm worried about Mum. If she keels over, the delicate balance that we now have will crumble. DF now under about 6 consultants. ( Lucikly, DF not bothered much by all the medical stuff wrong with him. Takes it all in his stride, and is still loving and kind. Also has really filthy sense of humour which is a new thing. He cracks me up sometimes. So glad we don't have the aggression... Yet).

Meanwhile, I have no kitchen (extension in full flow) and a marriage that's crumbling. Lots of accusations that I'm putting my parents first. :(

I don't know where to turn. Thank you for reading.

Ishouldcocoa be blunt with your H, your parents need you as they decline and frankly as a fully capable adult, you'd expect support rather than whining comments from him . Really sympathise about the coordinating of medical appts, a full time job in itself!

Still lurking. Dad is worse (on oxygen now) and not expected to see Monday lots of offers of help from good friends, feeling well supported ATM at least. And our childminder is being bloody marvellous. My sister still conspicuous by her absence not looking forward to sorting out Dad's estate as I expect she'll leave me to do all that as well

Hello. So glad about the walnut whips! Here my mil is now in final stages of dementia and 40 miles form my wheelchair bound fil who is struggling to accept things. Dh and bil/ sil are doing all the stuff but I am supporting and trying to keep my stressed dd 17 (uni applications) on the right track and care for my 89 year old dm who requires time and energy and yes will never say how much she recognises/ appreciates what I do- never has and never will but it doesn't make it easy. Chocolate and wine help. and to all. This is a great place to rant!

I shouldcocoa, lots of sympathy. Building work is stressful at best of time without all the extra things you are juggling. Would there be any possibility of your Dad going into respite care for a few days ? My Mother has started going on about good looking young men rather too much for my liking and FIL keeps going on about how the cleaner rubs him down after his bath if that is any consolation!

Blondieminx I am so sorry . I'm really glad you have support in RL. Shame it's not your sister but it seems from here that absent siblings very common.

Twentyten, sounds like you have a huge amount going on. I do think it sucks trying to deal with teens and demented parents as they seem to need a lot of emotional support at this point.

All quiet here on FIL front so live in care seems to be working for him (touches wood frantically). Mum on other hand not so good as won't keep her leg bandages on. NH talking of calling SS for Best Interests decision. Not sure how that works but understand they have to cover themselves. They did say if she doesn't improve will get to the stage they can't handle her so I said I thought it us now time we look at Dementia unit.

Rather handy given that the ops Manager of thd one being built is coming next week to visit her ! Bet her £100 today that she couldn't keep her bandages on for 2 weeks and the plans I have for the money I know she'll have to give me. She told me not to be so sure, I live on hope! NH have requested the Psychiatrist comes to visit her as well

Big decline over last year. First in a flat in CH, then to NH and next will be Dementia unit. Sad, but I have tried.

Thanks all for your commiserations. I felt very low this morning.

Need to have a chat with DH; he's under pressure too work wise, and I've supported him for the last 18 years. I also sorted out his ageing parents soon after we married - they both died with 5 years of us getting hitched - and I had a toddler and a 3 hour journey to get to them, too. He has a very short memory.

Need to plan how to get DF to St Georges, Tooting for 8am on Monday. Its going to require a bl**dy early start, thats for sure.

Its just nice to know that you're not alone in all this, and all I can suggest is more

Thanks sugar. I second a large for us all and a bid to look after ourselves too. We do what we can but it will never be enough and we must remember to look after ourselves too. Choc o clock?

Blondie I really hope this weekend is no more difficult than it need be.

NMS I Have to report that dad is back to being a Poundland regular . As his carers are usually with him it's OK. He marched in there when I was with him last week. Filled the basket with random, unnecessary stuff which I just dumped on a shelf before exiting. ( sorry Poundland) . Seems like the habit of acquiring stuff is hard wired but he wasn' t too bothered about paying and walking out with the stuff.
Dad said he wanted to go and live in America because here is lousy. I am sure that here is the reality of life with dementia and America is a place where he is free of the disease. Maybe something similar is happening with your mum- she wants to be in a place where she is the competent person she used to be. Here ( wherever that happens to be) is never going to be that place. Those who hang around trying to help the demented person live their present life are going to get the brunt of their frustrations. That' s the sadness of dementia.

Thanks NoMoreSleep Well today is a much better day here. We've had an AMAZING hospice nurse here today, who has finally convinced dad to have some more meds. He's visibly more comfy so we're all more relaxed.

My sister has arrived. So we are all together. My poor mum, all the nurses and dad's general condition is obviously taking its toll.

twentyten I get what you mean about being there for your own DC and trying to juggle the stuff for your parents too.

sugarplum you haven't just "tried" darling - you've done the arranging and supported as plans and accommodation have changed in line with the inevitable deterioration - you're doing a really great job.

ishouldcocoa how is your logistics planning going

whataboutbob I think we should all escape our problems by skipping off to America... We should do an elderly parents Californian wine tour perhaps

Absolutely YES to wine. A glass or two at the week end is my medicine.
Blondie glad to hear your dad is more comfortable. Britain has one of the best palliative care services and it s at times like these you need them. They are trained to meet the changing needs of people with life limiting illness so use them as much as you can ( I used to work in pall. care).

Tbh it's a little patchy where we are - no Macmillan nurses, only hospice ones and they are currently overstreched so up to now we've had ONE visit a week (supplemented with private carers, but at least the cost for those is covered by attendance allowance). It took 3 weeks of me ringing/emailing to get the NHS to finally install his bariatric bed Yesterday we had a great end of life team nurse and today a good hospice nurse. So all rather better than it was. Just so hard on my poor DM

I m really sorry to hear that Blondie. I must admit I was working in. London, in the 90s and my team had plenty of ring fenced HIV monies. I noticed when I was back home dad's local hospice is under threat of closure. Seems like such a backward step. I m glad to hear you are getting lots of visits though. I wish you strength for the next few years.

So sorry about stupid typo. I meant for the next few days.

Evening all. Dh took fil to see mil ( 40 miles each way with wheelchair in car) who looked a little better and seemed to recognise fil- for the first time in months. But mil not eating and drinking little- on morphine etc so it is only a matter of time. Fil still does not seem to realise it is nearly the end.
So - a waiting game and taking care of everyone. To all.

Well here mum and dad are both home and tbh I'm just waiting for the collapse of the delicately balanced house of cards...

Good news - mum had her knee injected yesterday - so much is wrong with her but if her arthritis pain was helped that would be a real quality of life thing. Eye injections and ill go over Wednesday.

But...Dad fell at 5am on thurs blocking the landing and not being able to get up. Mum actually had her button and pressed it and shouted over the banister at the alarm box - result as ambulance and the poor neighbours were called ( they are saints). He's ok ish but moaning about sore feet. We can't tell if this is real or an " I want to stay with you all day and not go to the day centre" .gp has checked him.

So it goes on.

Hope everyone else is coping. It's so one day to the next here.

for you all xxx

Blondie thanks for asking. Logistic planning going to go into top gear tomorrow. Has to take DS to Wales today. 5 hrs driving. Phew!

DM knows that I'm pondering logistics and will call her tomorrow. I told her to equip herself with plenty of parking money, and a number to call if we get held up. No point in being mega stressed AND late.

DBro has the Wednesday slot. He has to get them both an hour earlier and stay all day while the op takes place.

Jus trying to spend a day with the rest of the family tomorrow before another week of spending time apart.

Dad finally slipped away last night, it was very peaceful. Now just got to sort everything out. My sister tried to make snarky comments and pick a fight about 20 mins after he went.

Good luck to everyone for today, one day to the next is exactly it Theas

I'll be sorting out funeral arrangements this week and chasing for a date for mum's op (she's waiting on a minor procedure).