Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

Thanks SugarPlum for making me smile - cellulite ...

Blondie, I'm so glad you've got kind people around you, such a hard time for you I can't imagine what it must be like. DH is my main support so far, but he tends not to volunteer to help - rather he waits until I specifically ask for something or I'm showing signs of stress (shouting at the kids usually). We've got some nights out coming up so I'm looking forward to getting out and forgetting about everything.

Today's my day off work & I spent the latter part of it with the DPs, getting Mum to an emergency GP appt as her back pain has got so severe that not even morphine is helping. Saw a fantastically sympathetic GP, she was just wonderful, gave them half an hour of her time, & is going out of her way to try and speed up a hospital referral. Mum's morphine prescription has been at least doubled... & that's on top of 3 other painkillers.

She's got a possible blood transfusion tomorrow and I may need to collect her from hospital if Dad can't cope. Dad sat through the whole appt today with his head in his hands. God, he looked so tired & drained, and thin. My brother thinks Dad's sinking into depression, he may well be right.

At least they've got the re-ablement team in for a few weeks, then we'll have to sort out something self-funding. Apparently they've been turned down for CHC (I'm assuming that other posters mean ’continuing healthcare' when they say CHC?), but they don't know on what grounds, and I'm not sure what it all means yet.

Oh dear, I've still got lots to learn, haven't I .

Hi another newbie ,

I've re activated and nc a bit . My father died in 2013 at 74 - 3 weeks before my ds2 was born . Since then mum (80 ) has led us all a merry dance even though in any ways she is coping . The daily phonecalls grind me down . I've tried to get her to move here to our town 60 miles away to" future proof" she refuses poa . She had two strokes in her seventies . She is alcohol dependent , grieving and having memory problems . I'm just waiting for all the wheels to fall off but as I have two young children . There's no siblings or other younger family . Only me and my dh . Normally I can cope but this week she threw loads if abuse at me over the phone saying I'd broken stuff in the house , lost false teeth etc . She seems lucid about this and really believes it . I have got the hump and I'm full of resentment as another Christmas looms at my ils hosting ( which is kind) so everyone can be accommodated . But at 41 I'm stamping my my inner feet that I've never hosted a Xmas in my home or set down new traditions with my young kids . It's all motorways , stress and my ils and mother barely tolerate each other . My dh does loads so he wants to please his mum and I frankly jealous that my sil get a Christmas Day on her own . How petty am I ????

Hi, another newbie here too, just had a really really hard few days with my 81 year old mother. She has had strokes and multiple other health issues. None of which she seems to want to help herself with. I also have a 3yo DD so it was like having 2 children in the house. She is very lucky that her local SS have fitted her house out for her, but when she comes to me I have to do everything and I am just not physically (or mentally) able to do all the things I am needed to do. Might have to get a carer in to help me for her next visit.

She needs help getting around, in and out of the chair, bed, toilet etc

We have always had a hard relationship and I am feeling resentful at the moment that the only time in my life I would really like some help from my Mum she can cant give me any. Along with wanting her TV schedule not to be changed (soaps all day everyone?) and not happy when DD wants CBB's on instead of some crappy tv. Every meal is a battle as all veg has to be so overdone that it almost puree, meat cooked to leather and the crisps were too crunchy!?

We do go to her house, but its just so difficult as its full of ornaments so DD cant play and the TV is on soaps all day at full blast and Mum just wants to watch that all day.

Sorry, I am rambling now and sound like a complete cow , will come back and explain more when my head isn't about to explode and feel like I am about to have a breakdown (not said it jest, this has happened before)

Too tired it's fine to rant and complain here- you've got a load on. For you. And it's not fair. Do get help when you have your mum over. You must put your needs first too.

Definitely rant away. There is that awful moment when you realise your parent can in no way parent you, and in some unspoken and unacknowledged way has become your responsibility. And frankly the needs of an elderly person can be harder to meet than those of a toddler. For one thing you can over rule a toddler's silly behaviour, not so easy to do with a parent. So don't be hard on yourself, it's bloody tough and there are many of us in this situation. But for some reason it doesn't seem to get the coverage other social issues get.
Get as much help as you can- friends, family, pay for it if you can. I'd also advise trying to get financial power of attorney so that if the worst comes to the worst and your mother has dementia, you can take control. If have POA for my Dad who has AD, without it I'd have been stuffed.

Thank you, its nice to know I have found somewhere I can come to let off steam. Luckily we set up POA for finance and medical few years ago due to family issues, so at least that is sorted out.

Yes you are right it doesn't get the press and attention it needs, it's almost a taboo subject.

(Another newbie) I am also feeling resentful, although my problems seem insignificant compared to some of you others but I am just coming to the realization that my life is going to be ruled by the needs of my DM and MIL from now on. My mum, after falling a couple of times when on her own, is now, rightly, scared to leave the house without me. She also has the beginnings of dementia which doesn't help.

She has no-one in her life apart from me and my brother (but he lives an hour away and works long hours). For well over a decade I have seen DM twice a week which just about cut it as she would go out and get a paper or whatever on other days. However as she can't go out alone now and can't remember when she saw me/ will see me again she keeps calling to say 'when are you coming over?' - usually after I have just been - and sounds on the point of tears when I say a day 2 days away. THis makes me feel guilty and resentful at the same time. I want to scream "BUT I JUST SAW YOU!!!"

I don't of course but I feel so resentful to be responsible for her happiness, especially as my visits and trips out with her are so quickly forgotten.

Meanwhile my MIL seems to be going the same way. She lives 2.5 hours away but my DH and I have sole responsibility for her too. We visit for a w/e every month and DH visits another time inbetween. Now we are getting a lot of extra mercy calls from her because of illness or little problems in the house.

It just feels like we are at our DMs' beck and call and that it will only get worse.

Sorry because many of you reading are going through much worse, but I just neede to offload my feelings somewhere!

Oh kit I feel for you! It's the dreading the phone ringing isn't it? I would say get some carers sorted soon for both- someone to take them out/ shopping etc. sooner rather than later. Age uk etc also for lunch clubs etc. contact gps- also get power of attorney in place. What happens when you all get ill? You must get back up in place. Things with them will not improve- years of experience here!
And be kind to yourself.

to you all. There is no getting around it, these situations are so very difficult - to the extent that no one can imagine how hard it is until you've been in it.

One thing I will never forget is what my GP said last year when my health starting being affected. He said to step back and that my children would not thank me if I didn't.

It is so true what someone said up thread, you do have to prioritise your needs too as if you go under, everything falls to pieces. How that is done is different in each case but sometimes it means taking a step back and saying 'I can't do this' and there is no shame in this.

Kit don't apologise in fact I think the earlier stage when the realisation that elderly Ps are struggling and have no one but you to depend on, is in many ways the worst stage. I went through this 3 years ago, nicely topped up by a brother living with Dad, and whose mental illness had been neglected by my parents for 20 years. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia a year after Dad was diagnosed with AD. Crises happened which forced both to accept help. Now bro is on medication, under a mental health team and much better (although I'm in under no illusion relapses will occur), Dad has daily carers whom he accepts and I visit once a fortnight (not twice a week, 4 hour round trip as I used to). To get there required 2 years of counselling, a marriage under stress and kids who were taking the brunt of my anger and frustration, until I finally accepted that enough was enough and started to do less. At various stages bro and Dad have refused help or just passively done nothing, I have had to be tough and impose stuff on them, for their own good of course! Seriously though, if I hadn't, they'd be living in a state which even Channel 5 would hesitate to do a documentary on. Good luck, and don't be afraid to put your needs first, or at least near the top of the agenda.

Thankyou all for you empathy which has brought a tear to my eye. I actually volunteer for Age UK myself in an admin capacity once a week and was there this morning (hence only replying now). I haven't asked them for advice previously - they are always under pressure from people with awful problems - but today I did, and it was encouraging as they said they might be able to rustle up a 'befriender' just to chat with her sometimes and relieve the loneliness. I hope they can find someone. Then of course will be the hurdle of getting my mum to accept the person's visit. I'm sure she'll feel I am palming her off onto a stranger. I think I need to get someone in to clean regularly as well as she can no longer see the dust and grime. Again this will be difficult as she has always been house proud and would be ashamed to think I had noticed the dirt and that she needs it done for her.

I will probably spend more tine on this board as it helps to write it down.
to all of you others in similar situations.

That would be great if they could find someone. However I remember the challenge of getting the first person through the door to help. Once you've got one in it can be a bit easier.

The cleaning approach I took was time to take life a bit easier which being naturally lazy, appealed to my Mother so I was lucky with that one. Sometimes a little more creativity is needed.

Yes I'm going to have to think hard about my strategy!

Some great advice here- well done for asking for advice from age uk. I was shocked when I was talking to an occupational therapist who brought mum all the kit before her hip replacement said"don't get too involved" it did not make sense but as time went on and some counselling and anxiety meds later I have to sit on my hands and let the cleaner mum grumbles about take her to the physio..... Like Bob I thought about what I could do and was ok about doing- and then left others to do it. My mum is five mins up the road but hasn't been here for months- I take her out2/3 times a week to do shopping/ docs/ garden centres etc but my dh is under pressure with his work and parents. And my teen dd is needing support too.
Proper selfishness- self maintenance is vital. And the wisdom from the posters here is great.

Yes I am finding it hard to imagine someone else dealing with some of my mum's needs at the moment but I'd like to think it will be a relief. Like many of you I also have young teens and sometimes find myself snapping at them when I'm really upset about dm.

It's tough- but the teens are our business.

It sounds like many of us are part of the sandwich generation - teenagers on one side & aging parents on the other My Mum keeps saying she doesn't want to be a burden, but she's at the stage where she needs help & support. So someone has to take that on. She & Dad spent years going from one crisis to another with their elderly mothers, & Mum has a fear of putting me in the same position.

Kit - mum now has a carer who helps her dress & wash every morning. She didn't like the idea to start with, but now they're talking about getting more help with gardening & cleaning . And I'm totally with you on writing it down - it really helps me to sort out all the issues in my head!

Mum had her 1st blood transfusion last week which perked her up a bit. She'll have one every 3 weeks for the rest of her life. She needs to decide whether to have chemotherapy as well, but needs to get her back pain under control before she can make that decision. It would be 7 days on, 3 weeks off, as an outpatient, & any car travel makes her pain worse.

My next support task is to show Dad how to set up POAs for me & my brother.

Hi PingPong I am currently setting up POAs on my mum's behalf for me and my brother. In case you don't know it has been made a lot easier to do it online. You just go through and fill in the online form, then print it out (16 pages), then you can get your parent and all relevant people to sign it. Then you go on to complete the registration form before sending it all in.
Here's a link:
LPA

Thanks for the link- we did poa for my in laws which has been a godsend. Looks simpler and cheaper now.

Thanks Kit for posting the link about LPAs.

My DPs are just appointing us (me & 2 brothers) attorneys with a General POA rather than LPA, so it's been even easier. The GPA is a single page and you don't have to register it either just get signatures witnessed.

My understanding is that you only need LPA where the donor lacks mental capacity, and thankfully we aren't in that situation.

You need to sort out the LPA whilst the donor has capacity. Even if it then only used when the donor's capacity is diminished.

As Needmoresleep says, you have to get the LPA done whilst the donor has capacity. If you don't then you would have to apply to the Court of Protection for Guardianship to be able to manage their affairs if they don't have Capacity.

My understanding is you can use the financial LPA once registered, regardless of whether the Donor has capacity (as long as the are happy for you to do so, they can revoke it at any time if they have capacity). The Health and Welfare one gets done whilst Donor has capacity but only gets used when the Donor loses capacity.

I just squeaked in on getting LPA for my mum as I don't think she'd have capacity now, and fortunatly the solicitor got my dad to do his too so if he had a stroke or whatever, I'd be able to sort things as mum couldn't.

I find it very reassuring to know that I could use them as soon as I needed to, and so does dad

And to be a bit gloomy about it, elderly people can undergo distinct personality changes during the early stage of dementia. Often it feel as if they are determined to show they can cope and so become very defensive, not helped by the stress of trying to cope.

The time to have a good and rational discussion about the future and the "what ifs" is before any problems occur. Many people find this difficult to have, but if your parents are talking it is worth doing it all.

Apparently my Mother's legs do have cling film on and are healing so hopefully current NH will keep her until new one is built.

She's bored and lonely though according to my Brother and saying she doesn't know why I don't answerr the phone. He pointed out the is the risk you run when you disown your child for the second time, she apparently was surprised to hear she had done this.

I wasn't aware she had tried ringing, must be when we unplugged the phone at the weekend . I'm not in a hurry to speak to her - she has managed never to disown my Brother, however much they argue. All is blissfully quiet on the FIL front.

How is everyone else doing ? I have here for anyone who needs it.