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Elderly parents

I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

332 replies

Kbear · 14/03/2012 21:25

I can't even begin to explain but I am going to blow a gasket. I care for my elderly in laws. It's a minefield, and a nightmare, and stressful and how does life come to this.

I just got off the phone to MIL, she is rambling, she doesn't listen, I try to help, she talks over me, she's had a lovely afternoon while I was panicking at work because I phoned and she was calling out for FIL and saying oh god oh god, what shall I do? then the phone went dead. So I rang BIL, my DH was at work, I was at work, all miles away. SIL drove over there and there they were all happy as larry drinking tea and the phone's on the side off the hook. Tonight she doesn't even remember SIL going over there.

She forgot to give FIL his meds for four months. I just found out last week. Arranged all their meds again, she can't remember to give them. They're in a box marked for the days of the week, she gives Monday morning and Thursday morning instead of Monday morning and Monday evening.

Today they thought they'd go to the pub for lunch - FIL doesn't know his own name or where he lives, he can hardly walk but off they trundle down the garden to waiting cab, he falls over, almost takes her with him.

How in hell can I look after them? I have two jobs, two kids, one DH!

There's so much more, I am too exhausted to explain, DH is on nights so I;m not calling him to talk and stress him out even more.

I want to cry. No response necessary. Just getting it out there.

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gingeroots · 30/04/2012 09:46

Link to Radio 4 Money Box programme about POA - has transcript of programme ,might answer some of your questions .
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/moneybox/9004904.stm

Wish me luck as I plunge back into my own personal maelstrom that is caring for my mother .
Amongst other things we ( that's the Royal "we" ) are introducing the dosset box today ...

Sad for you and yours Kbear ,one day at a time .

shattereddreams · 30/04/2012 10:36

Perfect gingerroots
Thank you so much

Lemonylemon · 30/04/2012 10:57

Kbear, Shattereddreams. I'm in Bexley borough too... So am familiar with the "non" help we get from them......

readsalotgirl · 01/05/2012 10:12

Hi not sure how POA works in England as am in Scotland but would strongly suggest everyone with elderly parents/relatives looks into getting POA in place. It has to be done while the individual is still "competent" and can nominate who they wish to act for them. In Scotland it is regulated by the "Office of the Public Guardian " which has a very useful/helpful website.

IME it is much easier to deal with officialdom if you have POA. I was told that without POA as next of kin you would only have a right to be informed not a right to be consulted with regard to decisions affecting care and wellbeing.

Kbear · 01/05/2012 21:58

I typed a bit of an update yesterday but it's not here and you know if I don't write it down I forget what happened!

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Kbear · 01/05/2012 22:06

After much ado, FIL has gone into a respite home for two weeks - it's very close to where I live and he was happy to go in the end.

MIL has had a front lobe stroke - whatever that means - and she is still confused and living in 1975.

DH taking FIL up there tomorrow.

and my boiler blew up tonight too

so crap day, over and out

ooh ooh, carer support called me tonight but I was out - do you think they felt my vibes?

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neversaydie · 01/05/2012 23:20

Good news that FIL went in for respite care reasonably happily. My Dad spent time in 3 different nursing homes last summer, and we were agreeably surprised at just how very good 2 of the three were, and even in the less good third home the carers were lovely, and looked after his physical needs very well.

I think the description of MIL's stroke just tells you which part of the brain has been damaged - which I guess may also allow the doctors to predict what the effects are likely to be. (Or, given our experience with Dad, at least explain it all retroactively!).

I am sorry that they are both so poorly, though. It is so hard to watch people that you love decline in this way, and not being able to do anything to make it better.

shattereddreams · 02/05/2012 22:37

I know a great boiler company if it helps........

Kbear · 02/05/2012 22:42

ah thanks but we have British Gas Homecare thing so they're coming to fix it in the morning!

Tonights news - MIL is better tonight (said tentatively because tomorrow she might be different again), FIL is ok in the home - happy enough and they seem to be looking after him really well. Me and the boy (inset day tomorrow) will be calling in on him tomorrow for a visit.

I feel the weight has lifted off us for a while at least. Yesterday I can honestly say I felt crushed by the weight of the stress of it all. My chest, my neck, my head.. then suddenly we got the call we hoped for, he was going to the home nearby and things started looking up!

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CMOTDibbler · 02/05/2012 22:52

Really glad to hear that FIL is settling in well. And that you are feeling a little better.

shattereddreams · 02/05/2012 22:55

You'll still be going to school though KBear surely to vote ?
Grin

Kbear · 03/05/2012 09:23

Nope - the pub in my road has a polling station so we only need to stroll over the road!

Key word there... see it?? P U B

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CMOTDibbler · 03/05/2012 09:34

Now theres a way to increase the number of people voting !

shattereddreams · 03/05/2012 13:29

Kbear, I am going to hound the council not to turn our school back into a polling station next year (building work currently means they can't use the school).
If elsewhere in the borough they are using a PUB???????
hates the fact it costs me £40 a day on voting days to pay childminder and will be £80 when DS starts school

Kbear · 03/05/2012 17:19

Well, pub car park -they put a portacabin there. Seems ludicrous to shut schools - why can't they use libraries and pubs and other public buildings?

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Lemonylemon · 15/05/2012 10:16

My polling station is a portacabin on the green opposite! I think our local school must have had a moan about being closed every polling day.....

How's it going Kbear and shattereddreams? Is the care package working out? We've just got care for my Mum (you'll see my comments upthread about this).

shattereddreams · 15/05/2012 21:48

We had a letter from school -seems others feel the same as me and the school is no longer going to be used as a polling station! YAY

Mil had a bladder op last week, she had a TPT tape (?) about 10 years ago, seems it had slipped and it was causing endless urine infections. I read on MN that urine infections make you go doolally so I may have been a bit mean about her Grin

But they kept her in overnight because she lives alone and didn't want to bother us to see if someone would stay with her overnight. Of course we would.
They didn't feed her! She had been nil by mouth due to the op since the evening before. She was shaking. It was terrible.
I went and collected her at 8.30am. I told her it was jail break and no we were not waiting for a doctor who wouldn't be at work on a Saturday

I forget how long everything takes old people - got her home, shower, brush hair, breakfast, cuppa to take meds, it took 2 hours.

shattereddreams · 15/05/2012 21:49

meant to say, good news lemony

onehitwonder · 15/05/2012 22:03

kbear don't know if this is any help but think you are in North Kent and my grandma was in a care home which was specifically for elderly dementia patients nr Gravesend/Dartford last year (she had altzheimers and has sadly passed away now). The home was lovely - owned by someone who had previous worked there as a carer. Even after my nan had been moved to a nursing home due to some other health issues, the staff from Darenth Grange were doing their best to help (see if they could make it possible for her to return there) and a couple of them even came to her funeral. As my nan didn't own her home, once she was assessed as needing full time care, her local council (which wasn't in that area), finanaced her place there as it was very close to my mum.

onehitwonder · 15/05/2012 22:06

As you have hopefully guessed from my previous message, the home she was in was Darenth Grange (which was the point of course Grin)

Kbear · 16/05/2012 23:26

I haven't been here for a bit - in a word I am overwhelmed and emotional and couldn't even put it into words. I get up, do what needs doing, go to bed.

FIL home from respite for first night tonight - so far the evening has gone like this. Carers came at 8 got him ready for bed. He fell asleep on sofa. Woke up, thought it was tomorrow already, got washed and dressed ready for BIL to pick him up for the hospital visit tomorrow... he called DH and said "where is son No.2? So DH talks him around and back into today and told him to put his pyjamas back on and go to bed.

Had meeting at hospital yesterday - upshot is MIL not able to come home, unlikely to recover further, physio not having any effect, mentally very bad - she has had some good days and mostly days when she thinks her children are small and she is in some place far away and needs money for train fare home. And the ceilings have all changed... and she went home this morning to make Dad's lunch and put some washing on and wouldn't it be lovely if all the kids could visit... her kids... eldest of which is nearly 60....

It's heartbreaking, me and DH are bickering and apologising to each other in equal measure.

We have told FIL that she is going into respite care for now... it wouldn't be safe for her to come home - of course he's crushed and broke down.

This is the saddest experience of my life.

Tomorrow on my day off (LOL) I am going to have a look round some local nursing homes and then I have an appointment with FIL's carers manager at lunchtime.

Boxes are gradually being ticked, forms are being filled, social services have been fantastic, some family members not so much, my mum and dad are my rock, and I cry in the car alot. My kids are ok, they're old enough to know grown up stuff is going on and to play on the playstation alot!

Sorry, but I am an emotional attention seeker tonight. Ignore me.

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Kbear · 16/05/2012 23:28

Meant to say, thank you for still being here and for your advice and assistance about care homes etc. Darenth Grange out of borough for us though. But thanks

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CMOTDibbler · 17/05/2012 09:10

Hope you find a lovely place for them both so you can settle into the new way of being that this all brings.

AvengingGerbil · 17/05/2012 16:14

Kbear, we're still out here, feeling for you.

Kbear · 17/05/2012 21:19

She was transferred to another hospital tonight so bit more unsettling for MIL and FIL.

Me and DH looked at three nursing homes today - one stood out among them, typically the one nearest to us and with no vacancies! The other two were nice enough but the manager of the first one stood out a mile. Just the way she was, she had an air of kindness about her, and practicality and just the sort of person you knew was looking after your loved one and feel at peace.

We will continue our quest on my next day off... Monday!

DH had a migraine today - no wonder. He's a big ball of stress and he's just gone to bed. I've had a lovely two hours of cubs/scouts AGM which took my mind off dramas!

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