I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

[Kbear]

I can't even begin to explain but I am going to blow a gasket. I care for my elderly in laws. It's a minefield, and a nightmare, and stressful and how does life come to this.

I just got off the phone to MIL, she is rambling, she doesn't listen, I try to help, she talks over me, she's had a lovely afternoon while I was panicking at work because I phoned and she was calling out for FIL and saying oh god oh god, what shall I do? then the phone went dead. So I rang BIL, my DH was at work, I was at work, all miles away. SIL drove over there and there they were all happy as larry drinking tea and the phone's on the side off the hook. Tonight she doesn't even remember SIL going over there.

She forgot to give FIL his meds for four months. I just found out last week. Arranged all their meds again, she can't remember to give them. They're in a box marked for the days of the week, she gives Monday morning and Thursday morning instead of Monday morning and Monday evening.

Today they thought they'd go to the pub for lunch - FIL doesn't know his own name or where he lives, he can hardly walk but off they trundle down the garden to waiting cab, he falls over, almost takes her with him.

How in hell can I look after them? I have two jobs, two kids, one DH!

There's so much more, I am too exhausted to explain, DH is on nights so I;m not calling him to talk and stress him out even more.

I want to cry. No response necessary. Just getting it out there.

Well it's 8;15 and the carer hasn't turned up yet....

And I just rang the hospital and whoever answered the phone on the ward as about as rude and disinterested as you could be.

Take her back to the PRU .... please!!!!

Sorry to hear things are so bad again.

Hope the help arrives and the nursing care is better than the phone manners of the nurse you spoke to.

Sorry to hear about your MIL.

Perhaps its time for your FIL to go into a care home, if only as respite care initially ? Once you know more about your MILs prognosis, then you can reassess, but its going to be a long haul

Care home places for dementia patients are few are far between though according to the social worker so even if the decision was made, there would be a wait.

The carer turned up, had the wrong flat number! Seemed nice enough DH but vague about what exactly his duties were... I am feeling very teary about it actually; I don't want FIL to be unhappy or scared, or feel awkward in his own home but I know being alone all night would be worse.

Just called the ward back where MIL is... spoke to a different person who was more polite definitely but there was something special about the staff at PRU and I only had contact with them for two days, just that extra patient tone of voice that reassured and listened to a concerned relative, not that sighing huffing tone that makes you talk fast and feel like no one gives a shit.

Feel like crying. How did their lives come to this? I need to go for a long swim tomorrow and calm myself down inside. Will be visiting MIL at 4.

More reason to start looking - respite places are easier to get too. Round here there seems to be a few new dementia wings being added to homes too.

I know what you mean about their lives - my mum had another collapse today, and then I had my dad worrying about if he had prostatitis to me as he can't even talk to her anymore. And mum no longer remembers DHs name

Sounds like you're having a tough time too.

There I was thinking how much easier life is now my kids are growing up....

Kbear - We've had similar problems with my Mum. Some of the people caring for her at Darent Valley were good, but some were just bloody rude.

Our local council were adamant she didn't need care, so that was that. She's had several falls in the past few days and is now back in hospital.

Just keep pushing for all the care you can get for your FIL.....

They've got him a respite place for two weeks !!!!!! starting Monday

I now have the unenviable task of now selling it to him as a holiday camp and he'll enjoy it and it's only temporary until MIL comes home.

(Dare I say it... he is better (mentally) without her there....).

I am emotional again, I said I'd never let him go a home, and now he's going (if he agrees of course).

Thanks for being here listening to me ramble ....

Hurrah ! I think concentrating on the 'just while mil is in hospital, you know how she worries, few days away' tack is best.

Have you read 'Contented dementia' ? Its got a good chapter on selling care to someone with dementia and how to deal with it

I hope you don't have too much of a struggle to get him there. And be kind to yourself - its easy to say things about no homes until the reality is there.

Went to talk to him yesterday - he cried and said he doesn't want to go.

I called the social worker, she went round and I met her there - not to bully him into but but to make sure he was aware of what his options were fully etc.

He still refused.

I went to see MIL yesterday - she is not with us mentally. She got better as the visit went on but for an hour she talked without taking a breath about my DH when he was a little boy, but she talked as if it was now. I asked her if she knew my name and said yes of course, and then said it was my son's name.

BIL taking FIL to see MIL now. This won't end well.

DH talked to FIL again today and FIL said he was scared to stay at home at night on his own (which he will be after the enhanced care ends tomorrow night at 8). He said he is scared of the kids in the masks and the sailors that called MIL a whore and the people that sit on his settee at night. We have gently told him that his mind is playing tricks and the people aren't real. Sometimes he is with us, sometimes he is not. Vascular Dementia is his diagnosis.

So now, he is teetering on the brink of going to the home for two weeks' respite while we find out what happens to MIL. He will have to decide Monday morning when the social worker comes back.

DH is off to another 12 hour night shift having had very little sleep for days. My head is pounding and I'm tearful and heartbroken for the old folks.

Who knew it would end like this? We've been waiting for him to have the big heart attack that carried him off for over 20 years and now dementia has got him. He's had 8 heart attacks so far. I don't wish him dead of course, but I wish he didn't have to feel scared and alone.

What would I do with out rambling on here? I can't seem to order my thoughts until I write it down.

My heart is with you.

and mine.

its beyond hearbreaking

Kbear you are doing a wonderful job in heartbreaking circumstances.

I help care for a lady with Parkinson's, and often the drugs they have to take are responsible for many side effects, including dementia and hallucinations. It may well be worth speaking to your FIL's consultant regarding altering some doses; I've found quite a small change (say reducing the Stalevo dose from 150mg to 125mg) can have a remarkable effect. Obviously every case is different, but with your MIL no longer withholding his meds he may now be getting far more than he's used to.

Apparently he doesn't have Parkinsons - MIL got that wrong (something else she got wrong).

He is on meds for heart condition and something called Simvastatin which is for cholesterol.

Just been round to see him for ten minutes. The carer is there over night but couldn't work the microwave! He is seriously considering the respite home (which is very near to where I live thankfully) and I have promised him that if he really hates it he doesn't have to stay there but he has to give it a week.

BIL no.2 has just said that he will move in with his dad if he hates it and wants to come home. Not sure if that will work - he has a wife to consider too - but at least finally me and DH feel supported by the other BILs. (well, two out of three aint bad!!).

Oh, thats promising KBear. Fingers crossed

Thanks - one day at a time!

I called the care home this morning and asked if it would be possible for a visit - took FIL round there and he liked it ... so I am 95% sure he will agree to go tomorrow.... on condition we don't tell MIL. I'm happy to go with that.

She is not with us mentally anyway so what she doesn't know won't hurt her. I'm going to the hospital again today with her sister - not sure what we will find, yesterday apparently she was ranting. I have my thick skin on today so wish me luck!!

Great news about FiL all the best for your visit, pray you see the real her at some point

Good news about FIL's reaction - well done for supporting him .

Sounds tough about MIL though ,makes you wonder how long she's been ill and what's been going on with her .

Health issues so complex in elderly and I do think they're neglected by a stretched medical profession who don't have resources to really unpick it all .

Hope you get a little time for yourself .

Just back from hosp- MIL agitated and confused, talking about her kids like they are babies not ranging from age 45-59. She thinks she's on holiday. She thinks they are trying to poison her. She is going to kill herself as soon as she gets the pills, she said, or is going to look for a high cliff to jump off.

The nurses were nice, staff nurse particularly so and took the time to come and talk to me about her condition.

DH spending the night at his dad's tonight - tomorrow I hope he will agree to going into the respite home. We have agreed that telling MIL will be a bad idea (his idea not to tell her).

I've told him one week at a time is all we can do at the moment. He is very lucid and apart from seeing people in his flat who aren't there, his mental health is better than ever. He can hold a conversation, have a laugh with us and make decisions about things, and is actually living in the present. MIL is the opposite of all that.

I have a headache and I'm having an early night before work tomorrow - when I will bury myself in the dramas of other people's families!

Started reading with interest and couldn't stop
I think I will be you Kbear in a few years. You even live near me.
You also have the BIL (SIL - do they exist or are they not worth breath)!?
But I only have mil. FIL passed 3 years ago

You're doing an amazing job. Agree with whoever said about parenting
manuals but where are the dealing with your parents manuals.

Does anyone know about power of attorney, I had heard its better to do whilst parent is still mentally capable.
Has there been a thread on this someone could link to?
Or a website. I was recently told it costs about £1000 which we don't have!
What sort of lawyer should we use?
How is power of attorney useful when dealing with medical side of things like Kbear experienced? I know mil pin and web log on so in theory can access money stuff already.
Sorry, slight hijack but hopefully might take your mind off a bit Kbear that you're not alone ( and I'm only a few miles away I reckon!)

I was wondering about Power of Attorney today - I have access to family lawyers through work so I think I will put in call to them tomorrow for advice.

I think my MIL is too far gone but FIL would prob give consent to a power of attorney. Not sure of the rules.

I know thousands in a similar position as me. I was not prepared for the heartache this would involve - they're not even my parents - but seeing my DH so distressed, my kids, well, it makes no odds. They are family, if not by blood.

I live in Bexley borough

Yep, we're neighbours. Same borough.
Pecker up!
You're a nice kind person!

Well if you ever need contact numbers of anyone in Bexley social services or carers services or district nurses - I'm your girl! I am on first name terms with most of them now!