I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

[Kbear]

I can't even begin to explain but I am going to blow a gasket. I care for my elderly in laws. It's a minefield, and a nightmare, and stressful and how does life come to this.

I just got off the phone to MIL, she is rambling, she doesn't listen, I try to help, she talks over me, she's had a lovely afternoon while I was panicking at work because I phoned and she was calling out for FIL and saying oh god oh god, what shall I do? then the phone went dead. So I rang BIL, my DH was at work, I was at work, all miles away. SIL drove over there and there they were all happy as larry drinking tea and the phone's on the side off the hook. Tonight she doesn't even remember SIL going over there.

She forgot to give FIL his meds for four months. I just found out last week. Arranged all their meds again, she can't remember to give them. They're in a box marked for the days of the week, she gives Monday morning and Thursday morning instead of Monday morning and Monday evening.

Today they thought they'd go to the pub for lunch - FIL doesn't know his own name or where he lives, he can hardly walk but off they trundle down the garden to waiting cab, he falls over, almost takes her with him.

How in hell can I look after them? I have two jobs, two kids, one DH!

There's so much more, I am too exhausted to explain, DH is on nights so I;m not calling him to talk and stress him out even more.

I want to cry. No response necessary. Just getting it out there.

The peace didn't last.... think we have reached crunch time with FIL - his behaviour is changing rapidly - confusion, trying to escape, not recognising MIL, refusing to go to bed, obsessed with the keys, hiding his wallet then forgetting where it is.

She cancelled the carers this morning (they phoned me yesterday to say that she had cancelled) - she said FIL doesn't want to get up early. They normally come at 8.30 - so I said they can change and come later - but often they are up and about by 7am - so I said she mustn't cancel them again, the doctors set up the care and for a reason.

MIL rang tonight all panicky but then calmed down and said it was ok. FIL would't get ready for bed and she was scared. She is not coping at all and tomorrow I will have to sit down with her and talk frankly again. We talked on the phone, she knows what is imminent. But when you have been together 60 odd years that's a terrible moment to reach.

Sorry to hear your update, keep strong and don't take the blame

it is hard but its inevitable they'll go into residential care

and you might be surprised, it will probably be the best thing for them both

I also think getting her to hear it from a doctor might be better than hearing it from you, you're too close

good luck

social workers called me today - they are nearing the end of his free 6 weeks care - so they are coming tomorrow to reassess his needs. Couldn't have come at a better time.

Sadly think ssd is right. If MIL is resistant to carers this will become really really difficult - and it clearly is that already. I managed for, a few months, to support my mum in sheltered accommodation but I was astonished at how hard it was and she was quite accepting of the carers etc - (after initial resistance). In all honesty when I moved her I should have moved her into residential care - I didn't partly because I thought I might manage to reignite at least some of her old spark but I think that was me trying to get back the person she once was. I am in awe of you Kbear and you're doing a a fantastic job but you will wear yourself out - and don't forget you have a family and relationships of your own to take care of also. Good luck and big hugs

hi readsalotgirl, how are you doin?

Kbear - is there any possibilty of talking things through with your mil about the carers ?
Just thinking that if she saw it as a compromise /lesser evil than her husband going into care she might be more inclined to tolerate it ?
And if there were specific things she could identify that she didn't like - timing of visits ,which could be tweaked ( as you've already done ) she might be more able to accept it .
Rather than feeling that it's just being imposed on her by the doctor .
It might make her feel a little more in control of her life ( I note she is even more keen than most of us regarding this ) .

Just my ramblings ,hope you're coping .
It's very hard I know .

We talk all the time - she (we both do) gets upset. They've been side by side for over 65 years - can you imagine?

She is effectively housebound with him though which drives her potty and I understand that completely. I'm taking her to Morrisons tomorrow while DH stays with his dad.

One day at a time is all I can do.

It is all incredibly hard and you have my full sympahty Kbear. My MIL has Alzheimers and lives 240 miles away from us. Her primary carer is FIL and it has taken us two years to persuade him to have some help. Now that he has a carer coming in to get MIL up and put her to bed he has accepted it and is quite happy. But to be quite honest my DH and I think MIL would really be better off in residential care. However we know that FIL will never make that decision.

Hey ssd - doing ok - apart from dsis driving me potty - but thats a whole other thread . thnaks for asking - hope you're ok. And apologies to Kbear for hijacking too.

Oh Kbear ,I can't imagine of course .

I'm guessing that my suggestions about being able to appeal to mil's rational side and getting her to see co operating with carer package as a way of keeping pil at home are as hopeless as me trying to persuade my mother not to pour salt over everything and to at least try Fortisip as a means of keeping herself out of hospital .

It's all too loaded and fraught with emotional complexities for simple reason .
If only life were that easy !

One day at a time good advice .

Thinking of you kbear.

It's the day to day care after coming out from hospital that is the hardest. Hope all goes ok for you, I remember all this with my own elderly relatives.....it's basically a job in itself. Hope the social workers can come up with some helpful options for your parents in law and you and your DH.

We now have forms to complete for payment of the care - it would be easier if they didn't have four different bank accounts ! They have no idea what the balance of any of them is, they don't know what gets paid in or out.

So my question, would social services delve into their finances if they didn't have us to do it for them?

The drama (daily) over door keys you wouldn't believe, the carers call me on regular basis saying that MIL and FIL can't find the door key to let them in. Last night 6pm.. off I went, round there again, two new keys were cut on Saturday - lost already. FFSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

DS mega stressed - he handles it badly - I tend to let things drift more and hopping in the car and driving round there for the next drama is something I just do but he works nights and is sleep deprived most of the time so rants more!

My MIL is the real prob - she is so controlling - she wanted to cancel the carers again - took me and DH and a social worker to convince her that it was a very bad idea. She said it was FIL's idea but when we asked him he said he didn't mind the carers. The social worker was brilliant - she got the measure of MIL in a heartbeat and talked to her firmly but kindly.

Another day!

Can't help about the money situation, but there is a good way round the keys.

You can get a key safe which has a number code to open. The carers can then get the key and let themselves in and then replace the key as they leave. The key safe us wall mounted near the door.

It's also useful incase the emergency services need quick access. The code can be easily changed if there is a change of staff or ou have given it out as an emergency over the phone

I did think about that but it is another hurdle to cross to get it through to them that it is becoming essential - I will mention it.

What bothers me more is, in the eventuality that she forgets the dinner under the grill or something and the flat is on fire and they are locked IN. There is a balcony door (they're ground floor) which they always forget to lock (another thing that drives me potty LOL) but I think well at least there are two doors to escape but unreasonable to expect the lovely carer to hop over the balcony every day lol

Could you change to whole lock to one that does not involve a key to open? Another option is have the key on a long chain near the door so they can't walk off with it

It's a problem I've faced with my dad. He would lock the front door and take the key to a kitchen drawer. He always knew whe it was but would have been
Locked in if there was a fire starting in the kitchen. He now has it on a hook not visible to someone outside the front door, but next to it so he can escape.

Yes, we used to worry about the stove and oven too. Cue smoke and carbon monoxide alarms a plenty (I wonder if you can also arrange to have alarms that either alert you or the fire service.... our workplace used to have them but I don't know if you can set them up for a private home, it's worth asking)...eventually we hired a private carer to do the cooking and some of the care as the checking, driving back and forth and various equipment worked out so expensive that the alternative was cheaper.....until gran decided to send the carer out on strange errands but that's another story, lol (can always make it a term of employment that she doesn't go out on any random errands that haven't been discussed with you, lol.....)

Someone I know does that "key in the flower pot" arrangement for the carers......it may not be as safe but the alternative was that her mum would always say "I can't remember who you are, so I'm not letting you in"!

The key box thing works well, although the first one my Mum had, she set the code and promptly forgot it (and she is the one without problems!) so try and get to it first to set it up.

Less sure about getting out, but I guess a simple Yale lock might be preferable to their getting locked in.

If you are really worrying about fire, you might want to disconnect the hob and guide MIL towards the microwave.

Good luck with all the form filling. Be in no doubt that Social Services would be delving in if you weren't. Are your PIL claiming attendance allowance? It sounds as if both of them would be eligible, and it is one of the few that is not means tested.

Today's drama unfolded at 9.30am. Neighbour of ILs called me - MIL cannot get off toilet - her arms and legs don't work, neighbour has called ambulance, I'm in London (they're in N.Kent), DH is at gym. So I called him he's gone round, paramedics there, thinks she's had a stroke and taken her to hospital.

Me and DH going up there at 5pm when one of the brothers can take over and do the night shift to look after FIL.

FIL can't be left. He wanders off in his vest, can't prepare his own food or remember to drink anything or turn the tv on or anything. He's confused and disorientated.

But he does remember his Army number from 1942 ...so that's good!

Your poor MiL

It never stops for you :(

Hope she gets the right care and your FiL copes with the changes

Be strong! Hope the diagnosis is not too bad.

OP: I'm lurking on this thread as it's kind of resonating with me a little regarding my Mum....

Anyway, did they take your MIL to hospital? If your ILs are in N. Kent, did they take her to Darent Valley Hospital? I only ask because my Mum has to be admitted there every so often.

Hoping that all is OK while your MIL is in hospital.

I'm a regular poster and not a stalker. I think I posted on this thread a few weeks ago.

Evening all

Been too stressed to update on here this week but finally I can breathe out for a bit!

MIL can't walk, she is partially paralysed on left side. Speech ok though. Saw her Tuesday, all was well. Wednesday was a different story. DH took his dad to the hosp to visit her (Farnborough incidentally - which has the Stroke A&E unit). She was raving again, saying dreadful things. DH took his dad away and his dad was upset all the way home. I told her history of urinary infections etc and they are testing but she was fine until 1pm then by 2pm she was manic.

Thursday, today, (I'm losing track LOL), I called the hosp (such amazing lovely nurses at the PRU - thank you all) and they said she was calmer but asking for one particular son (who was at work) and I said we couldn't visit today because we were all working and the one was wasn't was looking after FIL.

They have moved to her another hospital nearer home tonight.

Social worker has been very helpful too - I said how we were covering the care for FIL but he can't be left and of course, we have to work etc. She has arranged emergency respite carer for 72 hours to live in. So we have a breather until Sunday night when the care runs out to decide what else we can do to take care of FIL because it doesn't look like MIL will be home any time soon.

I had chest pains this afternoon - you know when finally you get a result and you breathe out and you realise how tense you have been? I was trying to work out all day how I could take care of FIL. Impossible is the answer, pretty much. I work, I have a family, he can't come here, there's no spare room, I can't live there, none of us can, we all work and the sons all do shifts so it's complicated.

Anyway, that's my news. I'll go and see her tomorrow and find out the long time picture, if they know any more yet.