If you are against Home Ed, can you tell me why?

[Bodenbabe]

I'm in the very early stages of thinking about HE and want to know all the pros and cons. If you are against HE, can you tell me why?

I am not against HE either. I have found on another forum that if I have said its not for me I have been subjected to a barrage of accusations about how I am anti HE.

I was once v.concerned about a family who were keeping their children away from school/medical care etc and I was immediately leapt on by several HErs who turned it into a thread about how HErs are persecuted by horrible Nazi. I was really confused as it had nothing whatsover to do with HE. It was pretty upsetting. The children were not being HE (I knew this for a fact).

Anyway so I have been a bit nervy about the whole subject ever since.

I have been thinking about HE for DS2 as he has SN and is not achieving at school at all. He is not reaching level 1 in any part of the curriculum (he is nearly 7).

I have decided against it because:

I am not up to it. My own level of education is pretty poor. My spelling, grammer and maths are of a low standard.
DS is very social. I understand that children who are HE get a lot of socialization when its done right but I dont think it would work with DS. He is not G&T, he finds interaction quite hard and school gives him the opportunity to find others at 'his level' IYSWIM. There are a lot of children who are struggling due to lots of reasons at his school.
I dont think I am very good at being with my children all the time. I love them but I dont want to be with them all day.
I think DS would be confused and not able to do 'school' things at home.

I think those that do HE well put so much hard work into it. It must take up loads of your time. I admire it. I would like to be that sort of mum (I really dont mean that in any perjoritive way).

I was HE for nearly a year. I didn't get a place at the secondary school my mum and dad wanted me to go to (and which my dad and later on my mum taught at).

Academically it was great. Socially it was horrendous. We didn't see any other HEs; it was just my mum and me (and we saw my gran as well). My dad taught me history on Tuesday evenings I remember.

Part of the reasoning behind my going to that school was that my friends went there - when I did get a place in the July, my old friends might as well not have known me and I made new friends. I think I still resent the whole thing and unless there were an excellent reason, there is no wau I would HE my children.

"I do like DDs school and am more than happy with her learning, I just wish she was ok to be away from me."
Surely it's only by being away from you that she'll learn to be OK about it? I think if you are tempted to whip her out because she's finding it hard to settle in you are teaching her that she doesn't have to be away from you if she doesn't want to be which might not always be possible.
When my dd started school I tried to give her strategies to cope with the separation. We used to kiss hands at the school gate and I'd say "If I miss you today I'll kiss my hand and if you miss me you kiss your hand". For the first few weeks she'd come home and say she'd kissed her hand a lot - gradually she stopped doing it at all.
I think it's heartbreaking to think of our children being homesick at school and I really feel for you, but I certainly wouldn't consider that a good reason for home educating.

I don't have the confidence that I am the best person to educate my DCs. I have been amazed at some of the things that they have achieved at school, that I know they wouldn't have done with me. I also like the way that different people bring out different parts of their personality. I think that being with others doing the same thing can stimulate the imagination and bring out all sorts of ideas that you wouldn't get in isolation. I think it good that they have to sort out things for themselves and take responsibility for their actions, they don't have mum at their shoulder to sort things out or smooth things over.
Certain personalities don't need all this and I think that some thrive in the home environment. It helps if they are self driven, have a passion for something and are quite self contained and sociable. Every HEed DC that I have seen interviewed have impressed me. I think it is because they are older and have actively chosen HE, often after having tried school. They are enthusiastic and positive and they don't have a chip on their shoulder or anything to prove, I can understand why HEing parents get defensive, but it doesn't do them any favours and they come out as aggressive and secretive. It is like the politician who at election time tells you what is wrong with the other party-I switch off-I want to know what is right with their party. If it is so good I don't see why there is a problem with having someone visit from the LEA. Working with them and sharing expertise would seem a good idea to me.
I would do it if my DC was bullied or unhappy (after exploring other options)or if I had a DC who didn't like regulations, conforming etc and had a very clear idea of what they wanted to learn and how they wanted to learn it and was able to join any group with confidence. Or if they had SN that the school couldn't, or wouldn't, address.
I think they should at least try school first so that they know what it is like. (this is because it is the norm, less than 7% of the population are privately educated and so an even tinier percentage must be HEed). I would worry that if it was all my choice that they might resent me later.
I do worry that there are the success stories where the HEed DC doesn't read until about 10 yrs of age, then does nothing much except mess around and suddenly pulls it all together and goes to Cambridge-I mention this because I actually know one! This makes it seem as if any DC can do it, which isn't the case. HE has the whole range,in the same way that schools have the same range.

Hana, none of those assertions make life rubbish, or suggest that people go to work just for the money. You still often have to do all of those things even if you love your job.

Teachers are a good role model-they don't do it for the money!

Glad the responses have picked up Bodenbabe, I think it's a really worthwhile thing you're doing here, asking for opposing as well as supporting opinions, and I think that bodes well for how and what you will teach your daughter (in HE or just at home after school)

Chegirl - I am amused and you confused that you think your spelling and grammar is rubbish! You are great at both AND you use fancy words like 'perjorative'
Honestly you need have no shame!

Laura ahhh but I am typing. That makes it easier. If you think my vocab is good imagine what it would be like if I could spell all the words I know

But thanks for your nice comments.

Butterpie if you mix with other HE'd kids, you are likely to be exposing your child to some pretty extreme people. I know the HE mums on here are lovely, but I get the impression a lot of people HE to object to evolution or sex education or black people or whatever in schools.

I HEd and I only met one family that may have been considered "odd" - they were very religious and taught a curriculum based on religion. BUT this was the only family out of lots and lots of families.

Just because someone HEs doesnt meam that they hold odd views just school doesnt suit their DC's

chegirl i remember that thread on mumsnet if i remember - there was more to it than that - your op had been worded badly i fear because it gave the impression that you reported them because they were HE - Ive seen a lot of your posts on here and doubt that was what you meant - you must have had other concerns but i think thats why you got jumped on.
And i agree - some HErs are very closed and not open to any other opinions

this is mumsnet i meant netmums

Lillian, you said "Surely it's only by being away from you that she'll learn to be OK about it?" That's what I thought but now I'm not so sure. She's had 3.5 years to get used to it and she hasn't done so yet. It's not like I haven't given her time! Also I think maybe she is just not ready to be separated from me for so long. I don't think that pushing someone to do something is the best way to get them used to it, I think there is a lot to be said for waiting until that person is ready and has the confidence for themselves.

My only experience of HEd children was at secondary school when 2 siblings joined the school who had only been HEd. They were both very strange and never mixed very well. I'm sure if you actively try to keep out of 'school hours' friends and clubs you could prevent this from happening. I do think school is a very important part of your social learning.

I think that school has the advantage of seeing the same people everyday, rather like being part of a family, and you learn to get on, with those you don't like, aswell as the ones you like. You meet people that are not handpicked by your parents.
I don't see socialisation as a problem for HEed DCs, but the parent has to make a great effort to get them to join things and meet others-no problem if the parent is a good mixer but difficult if they shy or unconfident themselves. I was a shy DC and I would have found it very difficult to go along to something like Brownies and have to explain that I wasn't at school-I just wanted to be like everyone else, and blend unnoticed into the background.
If you have the sort of DC who isn't fazed by it and you are the sort who talks to anyone and has an 'open house' policy, then I don't see a problem.
It depends mainly on the personality of your DC.

My ds would be depressed if I He'd him.
He crys if he is too ill to go to school.

its the knitted swimming costumes vegetarian shoes that get me

I used to cry if I couldn't go ggirl-I used to insist I was well and my mother would get the thermometer out and if I was running a temperature above normal I had to stay at home. I don't think that this is something that adamant HEers understand.

I think piscesmoon's posts on this thread are excellent and for me "you meet people that are not handpicked by your parents" is the absolute key to why a just about good enough school is usually preferable to even the best home education.

But i dont understand this skegness.

I HEd for a year and i certainly didnt handpick the other children that went to the numerous events and trips we went to or the HE group in the local areas.

I certainly didnt handpick the children he mixed with at his football club or his swimming club or the local children he mixed with at parties or any of the other friends he met along the way.

There were children that i didnt particularly like at the He groups - I didnt stop him making his own decisions and i certainly didnt hover over him telling him who he could talk to and who he couldnt talk to.

This really is a major misconception of HE

Stewiemum - Canada system sounds very good and quite forward thinking compared to here - i think there is such a mistrust of the Local Authorities however (and with good reason in some cases) that i cant see a system ever working here

Personally I wouldn't HE because I would never get a break from DC if I did.

I have friends/family who HE and overall I observe that the children are getting a superior education compared to what they'd get in the state sector. These families are not "unschoolers" btw, which is what others on this thread have complained about. The families I know are very structured & disciplined in their HE.

However... that's not to say it's perfect. In each case I can observe that the parents' own biases (part of their HE idealism) are having negative impacts on the DC's education (still overall a very positive experience, but not entirely positive). Specifically, one family is very against IT skills, doesn't value them at all. Another family is very over-protective; being HE means that the kids (now 8 & 12yo) have much less autonomy than they used to when they went to school on the bus, etc. And a third family lets their religion bias the science lessons (well, creationism is taught as fact).

I think that it might be easy as HErs to end up teaching only what you believe in, and not a wider more open-minded curriculum -- harder for a narrow-minded educational experience to happen in state system with so many different people involved in the education of each child.

"a just about good enough school is usually preferable to even the best home education."

Skegness, I hope you appreciate how very, very lucky you are to have this view.

You have clearly had a very positive experience of education so far, and I truly hope this continues for you.

However, for some children and their families this is absolutely not the case. My son (who has been HEd now since Oct 08) was neglected and abused throughout his entire school career till I finally pulled him at the start of Y5. He had a dx of ASD from age 7 (and by God, did we have to fight to get that) which nobody within the LEA would accept or support. Even when the head at his first school described him as 'the most violent child with AS I've ever known' she still didn't see the need to give him help. I could tell you horrific tales of his experiences and I'm not alone.

I appreciate that without knowledge of the way HE works, and without the negative experiences of school education that have prompted parents to deregister their children for HE, you are unlikely to grasp the advantages of it as an education choice. In many cases, as ours, it's the ONLY choice where the state refuses to accept a child's SENs and won't provide for them. But please do not assume that any school education is better than HE. My son was on a fast track to a life of prison for his violence and nobody in the statutory system was prepared to lift a finger to help him. Since being HE his life has been transformed. His academic ability is flourishing, he's producing work of a standard I couldn't have dreamt, his social life is excellent because he can now cope with after-hours activities that he couldn't handle in the past because he was so freaked out after a day of abuse in school. He is becoming more independent because he is encouraged to think for himself instead of toeing the line in the chicken factory. He has friends for the first time in his life and he has a future.

While I agree that there are some 'odd' families who choose to HE for their own reasons and don't prepare their children for adulthood, bear in mind that we're not all like that. Every family who home educates is different so please don't make assumptions and apply misconceptions and stereotypes to us. And avoid assuming that all parents who send their children to school are encouraging and supportive and that they'll all turn out ready for the adult world.

"i certainly didnt handpick the other children that went to the numerous events and trips we went to or the HE group in the local areas."

The we is the difference, in my view, racmac. Children have a different experience when their parents are with them, even if they are not hovering per se.

streaky- that is not a good enough school then, is it? And I am very sorry to hear it.