Help me get over my irrational fear of sending my children to the local state schools.

[thedolly]

ATM we live in a semi rural area and the DCs are at a Prep School. We are very happy with the school but the money to pay for it will run out eventually and I will end up working to pay for school fees.

Should we just stay put (in our very nice house) and brave the local state schools or move to a place where house prices are very expensive but the schools have a good reputation?

I have also posted this in AIBU as I feel I need a good kick up the backside.

Has anyone gone from private to state? I suspect it is a bigger adjustment for the parents than the children.

I think leaving your kids at school for those hours is outrageous

Noddy - I think it really depends on the child. My DD1 would spend every minute she could at school, with her friends doing activities. She has a great home life but prefers being with her friends. I suspect my other DD will be the complete opposite but I don't think you should be so quick to condemn

Same as a day nursery though Noddy and they're much older and have holidays off...

I am not going to apologise for my opinion because it is what I truly believe and am a lot of things but not a hypocrite.

I agree with noddy. I would avoid that situation at all costs

Noones asking you to apologise Noddy - its fine but you're saying that both parents shouldnt work really arent you?

thedolly - I don't feel that we wasted a penny of it. She has gained so much more confidence in herself and in her own abilities. To me, confidence and happiness in my daughter is more important than the grades she achieves. I don't care if she becomes a waitress or a Barrister, I just want her to be happy in her own skin and believe in herself.

She won't start her new school until next week but we are already ramping up for it and she is beginning to get excited about making new friends. She is healthy and happy and that is ultimately the most important thing.

How do you feel about it now?

don' think anyone has asked you to apologise noddy

Maybe both parents could work something out that means the children get to spend time chilling out at home with one of their parents at a time.

No I am saying at least one parent should if poss do breakfast and take kids to school plus pick up and be at home with them in the afternoon evening to do homework and have tea etc.I really don't see the point of having kids and getting someone else to spend the majority of the day with them day in day out.

BTW I have been privately educated and left from 7 til 7 and am speaking from that POV.My sister and 2 brothers think the same and have all discovered we feel this way quite recently so we were ALL affected

I dont think my ds' after school club on the couple of days he goes is that different to him being at home though honestly - apart from the fact that its laxer in that there's game consoles and jam sandwiches whereas at home its proper food and no telly before 5.

Its not all homework and organised activities at after school clubs - my ds actually wants to go on the days I dont work.

Am going to leave the statement about it being pointless having kids if you're not there for the majority of the time well alone as its been done to death on MN. And it's late.

I think in an ideal world noddy is right, dp and I downsized econimically so that he could take dd to school and pick her up, go into school when needed and I think that has made much more of an impact on her life and educational future than £20K of school fees.

Giant a day or 2 is different to all week.

...and with some poor little buggers, all holiday too.

By "offering my child a lot more" I mean more education , in the widest sense of the word.

I have done a lot of assessment of schools and other educational experiences for all my children in the past couple of years, and basically I evaluate everything the school offers or might offer according to my personal standards of quality, our priorities as a family, and each child's developmental needs. You really need to nosey around for a long time to get a feel for whether a school will suit your needs.

As others have said, don't be fooled by marketing materials. They are useful but by no means infallible.

'I have done all of the research that you mention (appropriate for primary level) except meet with the Head. I didn't know it was the done thing in the state sector and would feel guilty about taking up their time (as opposed to not feeling guilty about taking up the time of a Head in a private school ).

You have got some peculiar ideas! The one thing that is absolutely essential is to meet the Head! If she hasn't got the time don't even think of sending your DC to the school. It is the Head's job. Go on a normal school day and see everything-see how the Head interacts with the pupils and staff and ask him/her all the questions that you want.
It is the same procedure as choosing a private school-unless you were just taken in by all the marketing and assumed it must be good because it is private. There are good and bad state schools and the whole range in between and there are good and bad private school and the whole range in between.
You can't tell by looking at the outside and you can't tell from Ofsted or league tables. Visit.

What about checking out the local schools to see what they offer and meet some parents etc.If sending them local is financially easier then you could work less and do things with them after school etc that would add to their all round 'education'.

Wrap around care is much more common in state schools now. All schools were required to look at the demand for wrap around and existing provision in the area (think it was 2006) Not every school is expected to provide wrap around (in the school) if there is already adequate provision in the community. So it may be using Children's Centres or Kid's Clubs. If schools do choose to provide wrap around it can't be the just watching and giving a drink as someone said it must have activities that have a educational value.

I'd like to agree with cascade from yesterday evening.

I am (was? haven't taught for 7 years) a secondary teacher. I worked in one of the most deprived areas of Edinburgh (think Trainspotting!!).

And it was there that I met children with higher aspirations than anyone else could hope for - to get out, to change their lives, to make something of themselves, to break the cycle of poverty/unemployment/benefits culture etc.

Why?

Well, a huge amount had to do with the school. The best teachers I ever worked with taught there. The feeder primaries were also excellent - I met primary staff regularly on visits etc as there was brilliant primary/secondary liason.

It is my experience (and maybe this is a scotland thing, so apologies if it is wrong for elsewhere) that the best teachers I have ever met, the ones who truly inspire and make a difference, choose not to work in in the private sector. There's little challenge there. I know many teachers who I would love to teach my kids who would not touch a private school with a barge pole! I certainly wouldn't! Neither as a teacher, nor as a parent.

I am also a bit about making such a fuss about private primary school. I thought - perhaps wrongly - that if you were set on private school, but were limited cash wise, then state primary followed by private secondary made more sense. But once again, I am in Scotland with universal comprehensive education at state secondaries with no grammars (hooray!) so this possibly doesn't hold true for the rest of the country.

I have to say that I find the idea of "fear" of the state sector rather offensive, as I gave 10 years to making it the best I could - and I was bloody good at it, too!

Whether your fear is 'irrational' or not would depend on the school in question no?

Many here cite their DCs state school as the best thing since sliced bread. Certainly, one of my close friends sends her DCs to the county grammar and sings its praises.

Sadly though, and shamefully in a country as rich as the UK, there are some schools which are dire. Fear of sending your DCs to one of those would not be irrational.

I volunteer in my local primary and it is an extremely dispiriting experience. The school is overcrowded and every inch of green space has been sold off. There are a lot of social problems among the children and the aspirations for them, both from their school and their parents are diabolical.
The pupils deserve much, much better.

If this was the sort of school you were facing I would work or move to avoid it.

thedolly on Wed 26-Aug-09 18:20:09

"LGP I don't think that I am a snob ( I am trying desperately hard not to be as it goes against my upbringing) and since you brought social class up, it is a sad fact that there is not as much aspiration among 'lower' social classes. But it does not mean that I 'look down' on or 'judge' such people because I have aspirations for my children and they may not."

My parents were Jamaican immigrants and therefore bottom of the pile when it comes to social class. I went to the local warzone state primary and comprehensive. I now have a degree and PhD, primarly because I was supported at home and gained my aspirations and ambitions from my parents. You will find that amongst the low-grade immigrant classes, many of the parents have ambitions for their children. I now have people who were privatedly educated working for me and they earn less than me too.

My DTs attend the local state school and both DH and I have high aspirations for them. We chose the school because we visited it and the children were happy, full of self-aplomb, aspirational and articulate. The parents who send their children come from all social strata and ethnic background. The school also has 14 after-school and lunchtime clubs including fencing, sailing, karate, football, rugby, cricket, orchestra, choir, gardening, science, French, German and dance. I am involved in the PTA too.

Until you have actually visited a school, you have no idea what it is like. You make the assumption that because a school is in the state sector it is automatically inferior. Well, just because you pay to attend a private school, does not automatically make it a good school or the right school for your child.

You are being a snob imho.

Spokette - I too went to a school like you describe and yes, I have had some 'success' in life but it was very hard to survive a school like that with my dreams intact.
I remember the day I got to uni I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I could be myself.
You can't blame parents for wanting to make things a little smoother for their own DCs can you?

"I now have people who were privatedly educated working for me and they earn less than me too."

What point are you making? Surely you don't believe that the point of education is just to earn as much money as possible? Because if that is what state school teaches, give me private anyday

"I now have people who were privatedly educated working for me and they earn less than me too."

What point are you making? Surely you don't believe that the point of education is just to earn as much money as possible? Because if that is what state school teaches, give me private anyday