My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

Why not leave him where he is but get a private tutor to challenge him academically?

Your DD won't be closer to your mother for long, OP. What if a need emerges in one of the other children down the line? "Oh, sorry, you need to deal with it as GMa was only funding eldest and we can't. Bad luck."

It would be a no from me. That's the sort of thing that should be all or none.

They will obviously realise when they get older though and it will absolutely cause resentment

But it's ok to deny the other children the same opportunity as granny only pays for him? So he will have status as the golden child?

I had a colleague who had gone to private school and his sister hadn't. It had caused a lifetime of issues between them as she felt hard done by.

I doubt it will be £9k pa as he goes through secondary school - those figures don't sound right.
Plus, who will cover all of the additional costs that come with private school.

It would be a no from me.

And if his teacher thinks he needs a greater challenge it's their job to provide that!

I’d bite her hand off. That said… Do you mean an in-year transfer into Year 6? You might at find the school won’t allow it as he will presumably skew their upcoming exam results / progression stats.

I wouldn’t even entertain this, it’ll just breed resentment amongst the children. And I can’t fathom why ds1 and all of the other children have been told before you and dh had made a firm decision. Of course ds1 would be excited. Hard to take that back now and you’ll look like the villains when all the time it’s your dm who has caused this.

I would say yes please and thank you, if your son is struggling then he needs something that his present school isn’t giving him. Every child is an individual and they need their needs meeting in different ways. How would a 7 yr old know about the posh school and that grandma is paying? things like this should be not discussed with little ones .
Two of my children went to private schools for two years where the older two didn’t, There has never been any jealously and all four have fab jobs and get on so well together .

Then sort it out at his current school. Is he year 5 ? He’s only got one more year at the school if so.

I would ask for some money towards extra curricular things for him, or a tutor. Also perhaps a uni fund for all three children would be a bigger help than sending one to private school.

Would be a no from me

in the family I know where children were differently educated, I don’t think the parents have any idea that resentment does exist and still reverberates in their forties

Inheritances might not happen.

I would do it if my ds was unhappy. Where has your 7 year old got the idea that it's posh? Most likely this has been shared by adults and should be reigned in immediately. The only worry is the the younger 2 kids become as equally unhappy and then you're stuck but assuming that would be unlikely scenario?!

I think you need to dig deeper why it’s happening. There is no guarantee that something like this won’t happen at this new school. And he is 10 so won’t stay at his current school for long anyway.
There is no guarantee that the same won’t happen with younger children.

However you can be 100% sure that moving him now will damage his relationship with siblings and their with grandma. So I would say no.
It was very wrong to announce this to kids before adults have made their decision.

What will you do if he still is switched off at his new school? You very naively said your daughter has lots of friends and your 4 year old loves Nursery so there wouldn’t be another school needed for them. Not yet! What happens if they switch off at 10? So much can change in a few months never mind years.

Google the school & check that it’s £9,000 per year not per term. That is ridiculously cheap & if your DM has made a mistake & it’s actually £27,000 per year then there is nothing to discuss.

I think where things are unknown, you do the best you can at the time.

Sometimes things need changing down the line, but not helping one in case another theoretically needs help seems illogical.

I'm just not entirely convinced the change is actually going to do the trick.

ETA I mean you wouldn't not use an Epipen for a child in anaphylaxis because you only have one and another of your children might need it at some point. I think that's the best way to approach meeting children's needs: "do what you can, with what you have, where you are" - or however that quote goes.

It's just a case of deciding what they really do or don't "need."

No your mother needs to wind her neck in.

who the hell told your son about this plan before his parents, YOU and DH, made a decision?! Why do I think it was your mother in an attempt to force your hand?

I was your son, I found school easy to the point of boredom. A new school may or may not have helped me as I now know I am ND but I do know that being treated differently to me less academic sister (who is now vastly more successful than me) would have damaged our relationship beyond repair.

Agree. The child only knows what you've told her.

It’s a no. This type of unequal treatment of siblings causes great distress to people well into adulthood. The others will always feel like you loved them less because you let their brother go to a better school.

Why is a 7 year old even asking the question about her Grandmother offering to pay for private education. Ridiculous to involve her in the debate…. You should have kept it quiet until you as the adults had made the decision.

This - and perhaps a psychological assessment and therapy to address why he has disengaged. Moving him to a private school many not resolve the issues he is having if there is any chance they are to do with an undiagnosed SEN (e.g dyslexia, dyscalculia etc which often become more of an issue as school work moves up a level in y6 so can have been missed until then).

Hard NO from me unless v specific sen needs that couldn't be met in mainstream. Seems v unfair! What if others struggle the same or more as they get older but have to lump it?

I'd say all stay state and then option for all three to go private for gcse years if they want to - then its fair. Personally i'd stick with state!