My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

I would agree but openly ask to adjust inheritance so DD and DS2 each recieve £50k + interest in the future.

What if she gets to 10 and is no longer happy? She starts struggling, her friendship group splits for secondary, or she’s diagnosed with dyslexia and needs smaller classes?

I’m sure o/p’s dd was fine at 7, as clearly he has only recently “become disengaged”.

you can’t predict how the other two may be at the same age. Are you going to say then that it’s not about the money, but she can’t change schools to one that would suit her better, because it actually is about the money, and it’s all been used giving the older brother a good school experience. The other two have to put up with a school that doesn’t suit them.

If you accept it you will destroy your family with a combination of resentment and favored child.
Honestly your mother is bang out of order for even suggesting this and you are crazy for contemplating accepting it.
Your son is 10 and will be moving school in the next year or so to high school where he will hopefully be more stretched academically speaking so moving to a private school is also pointless

That's ridiculous. What if DS would rather have £50K + interest in the future than going to the "posh" school?

I think the school is copping out in that teachers should be providing extension activities/tasks for more academically able kids. As parents you could also be doing something at home to cater for his interests/abilities more.
I haven't read past page 4 but have read the OP's posts. Sorry if these questions have already been asked.
Do you have siblings; if so, what do they/the cousins think of this?
What if something terrible happens to your mother (incapacity or worse) or she needs to pay care fees - will your son then have to move schools?
If the school drastically increases its fees (it sounds far too low to me), what then?
Someone said if this goes ahead it could be a shitshow at home with your younger children being resentful. Even your 4 year old will grow up knowing his brother was favoured. Might your daughter become stroppy and 'fed up' with school so she can be moved to the private school?
Could your mother not pay for some out-of-school activity such as an ongoing after school/weekend/holiday in line with his interests? She could in time do the same for the other two kids - music or sports or robotics or whatever.
I think if you go ahead with this you will have three unhappy people - your mother but she'll have to suck it up, your husband whose opinion should be equal to yours, and your daughter. In time, your younger son perhaps.

And not just a private school that is so cheap, but one that will actually provide more challenging work for disengaged DS.

There are over 1000 all-through schools in the UK, both state-run and independent.

This is not your mother's decision it is yours. Do you favour one child (albeit paid by your dm) and set your children on different life trajectories, which could have significant impacts to their life chances and relationships with each other. It's a BIG NO from me.

That's how it should have been played OP. They should never have heard the financials.

It isn't favouritism. His school isn't working for him and I think she is being pragmatic to address that. I'm just not fully sure on what basis he is struggling and if it wouldn't continue at the new school anyway?

Some people imagine that every private school child is carried in on a wave of adulation each morning and showered with a lolly scramble of opportunities, while being underpinned by the world's greatest safety net.

It just isn't like that. He'd still have to "switch on."

But if there are good reasons to believe the other school would resolve the issues, I think it would be wrong not to consider it.

How do you know the others won’t need it when they get to the same age?

What if the younger children had prefered attending private schools too?

It's a dangerous way to go for a bored 10 yo.

It’s tricky because it’s also not fair on your ds to miss out because it’s not fair on his siblings. I could see ds being annoyed when he’s older that he was denied this opportunity.

Even that I don’t think equals it up. Private school gives many advantages and it’s likely the one who attended will end up with better grades, better uni, better job long term due to smaller classes, better facilities and better contacts.

50k is nothing compared to the potential difference in lifetime earnings between private school children and state.

Have you asked his teacher how s/he is dealing with children who need more challenge?

But what if the DD needs it too, in three years? She won't get it.

Are you sure it’s £9k a YEAR and not a term? That seems incredibly cheap as it’s going to include VAT too.
also remember that fees go up as they get older. Is she really in a position to pay when he gets to the upper years?

At 9k annually is this the kind of independent school that will be good for a bright child. I ask this because 9k is not much. DS was at an independent school in 2015 and it was 12k then.

I'd also not want kids at different kinds of schools. Plus no guarantee that there would be less bullying or better academics

Tbh if I thought it would help him i would have said yes but i wouldn’t have discussed money in fron t of the younger children

I don't understand why the teacher is saying he needs challenge but then isn't challenging him, that's their job (I say that as a teacher).

I think before I would consider treating the children unequally to such an extent there would have to be an extreme circumstance such as bullying or ASN, not just a bit fed up, which could be easily rectified!

The only answer here is to say no thank you. You cannot allow one child and not all.

Unless you can afford to pay for the other two to go to private school if they need it then it should be a hard no. You have no idea of their needs yet.

She shouldn't get it as it's favoritism of one grandchild.

£9k a year! A term surely?

But definitely say no. Educating two children differently is a recipe for long term familial dischord - which she will conveniently not be around to have to handle

Only one of mine went to private school. It caused literally not a single problem between the siblings.

but is he in need? and heat happens when the younger ones get older and get bored in year 6? year 6 can be a bit repetitive. it doesn't mean that he wouldn't just be better off with a teacher trying to actually challenge him, or a tutor, or just holding on for a year and applying to a state selective school.