My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

Unless you have been through it, it can be really difficult to understand how destructive the wrong school environment can be for a child. A parent really can tell when a child needs intervention.
You can only jolly them along and encourage them for so long before realising that drastic intervention is needed.
The education system is on it's knees (DH and I are in the educational world, as is a lot of my family and friends). But at the end of the day you have to do what is right for your own child and sometimes that involves difficult decisions.
Private wasn't our plan originally but we had no other option. My children were becoming school refusers and were miserable, particularly my son.
I'm too disabled to home school (and wouldn't suit my children really). We literally had no other option.

I've known 3 or 4 families where one sibling has gone private due to their needs, one was bullying, one was academically struggling and one was poor engagement/behavioral issues. It depends how much you feel your son needs it and would benefit enough to justify the difference in siblings and perhaps whether you can make it up to your other children in other ways eg they get a school abroad trip or an expensive hobby. Ultimately if you do think it's justified then like any parental decision it's your call and your children will hopefully one day understand why you did it. How will you feel if he sinks at school and the other two thrive and you denied him this chance? Where I do think you've made a blunder is both older kids seem extremely aware of it all happening before it's been fully decided, I would have thrashed it out then delivered it to them in a gentle manner. I also wonder if it will be a difficult path for your son being among much wealthier children and also will your mum try to exert control or hold it against you, is your relationship with her good and relatively uncomplicated? All things to consider

It would be a no from me. If he’s bored at school then find him some outside outlet he can join and take interests forward. Perhaps extra tutoring so he takes GCSE’s early or something

Why isn't the teacher challenging him more if they said he needs that? I'd be looking into that first. I say this as somebody who has put just one child into private school. DC was desperately unhappy and all of the local state schools had long waiting lists and we couldn't wait. My other DC supported the move because they could see how unhappy their sibling was. I wouldn't have done it just because they were fed up and needed a challenge.

My DH's brother was sent to private school, their parents paid for him and couldn't afford to send my DH. It's caused massive disparity and the brother is very much the golden child. DH has been NC for about the last 20 years.

Think carefully about this.

Why did you not think it through and already told your children??

I would not agree as it will create years of resentment forever and will poison everything

If this private school really is £9K a year, - which seems unlikely - it's not going to be much better than state school, maybe not much difference at all. How about grandma pays for private tuition for all the children.

I do understand about your boy being bored at school. I went to a very academic private school and then, due to parental fuck ups, I had to spend a term between private schools at a state school. They were so far behind what I'd already learnt that going to school was sort of pointless.

I have a friend whose family were in a similar situation. An uncle paid for him to go to a top private school, but nothing for his sister, who stayed in state school. They are now both 50ish. His sister has always resented it (not surprised!) and he has always felt guilty about it (although of course the choice was not his). Since I have known him (as a young adult), it has always been really the absolute core element of their relationship - their whole adult sibling relationship is mediated by his guilt and her fury. It is something he takes into account in all his dealings with her. And of course it is not 'solvable' by either of them, with the best will in the world! There relationship is okay, its not bad. But there's always this very, very painful thing, under everything. Having seen them, I would never, never wish the same on another family. For the sake of their sibling relationships I would strongly advise you to say no.

I also don’t really know why private school is the answer here. Why the assumption that private school will be any better than where he is now? There’s no guarantee he’ll be any more engaged. Private schools are just schools, they’re not magic. His current school need to help get to the bottom of what is going on.

I agree with all of this.

I do know a family who had to do this (and it was genuinely needed). They took the bold and risky move of asking the other children if they wanted to go too (they were all a bit older than in the op's scenario). As the parents predicted, the others said they wanted to stay put. If you can be sure of the answers, it can be a way of handling it.

The other children had it made up financially in other ways at a later date. One wanted an expensive tertiary option, which by then they could afford as the other was through the private schooling.

You could consider on working making him less bored. Speaking to school. Finding him tutors/extracurriculars. Heck you could have found a grammar school and prepped for 11+!
yiu sound awfully passive

A no from me. Perhaps it would benefit your ds but the risks are high. The siblings are younger - what if they one day wanted / needed to change schools? You can't know this won't happen when they are only 4 and 7. Not being able to treat them equally could be very problematic and not fair on any of them.

There are other options without considering private school - I would try these first.

My eldest child DD went to an independent school with a 60 percent scholarship and a small bursary for uniform. My eldest DS was asked if he wanted to go but when he heard days finished at 5pm then prep, Saturday 8-4pm and one month in 4 at a church service he said no. The hours were annualised as she got 2 week half terms and 8 weeks in summer off but she enjoyed it and also did a lot of activities.

Why does he need it just because he's bored. A hard no from me .

Is he year 5 and just turned 10 or year 6? I find it quite ‘unusual’ (for want of a better word), that his teacher would say that he requires more challenge. This is basically akin to them saying ‘I can’t be bothered to do my job properly’, as pretty much any teacher I’ve ever worked with, would be pushing a pupil for GDS at upper KS2. The challenges of the curriculum in years 5 and 6 are fairly high-take a look at the end of key stage expectations in writing at GDS for example.
It would be a hard no from me anyway; you will create a division between your children and as other posters have pointed out, at 9k a year (really?? Mediocre private schools are 2k a month) is he actually going to be getting a ‘better’ education?

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school.

I would be very concerned that a small independent school as cheap as that could well be financially unviable in the near future. So many private schools have closed or amalgamated in recent years and the sector is shrinking.

Also what are the educational standards like? Is this a prep school which he would have to move on from at 13 or all-through from 10 to 18? What are the facilities like? So many questions I would want to be assured about before making such a move for just one of my children.

A firm no. Essentially you have a bright child who she feels could do better in a more academic setting. What if youngest child also turns out to need more of a challenge? What if DD wanted a performing arts school? This isn’t fair

id only possibly consider it if there was a disability involved which genuinely meant one child needed a very different type of support to my other children. This isn’t that circumstance

I fundamentally dont think any child "genuinely needs" to attend a private school, absent perhaps some unusual/extreme SEN in an area where appropriate state provision is too far away

Nope. All of them or none of them, unless there’s no care for their mental wellbeing. Just ask grandma to pay for a home tutor.

I’ve no real experience of private school, but I’d not want any of mine to attend particularly, just because all my 4 are having/ have had great state school experiences. So did I, all my siblings and my DH and all but one of his siblings.

My DC have had times when they weren’t particularly stretched or interested. At times I’ve supplemented it with tutoring. They do lots of things outside school. I’d ask for the 9k and spend it on the above and everyone benefits. Also it’s a good lesson for a 10 year old that you can learn to get on with people and behave and just do what is necessary in school/ life, even when you are fed up.

I went to private school for a couple of years when I lost focus at school, my 2 other siblings didn’t. We sent one of our 2 children to private school for a couple of years as well.

I really don’t think it’s a big deal at all, kids don’t care about the money and the status stuff and the entire family is happy if all the kids are happy.

But… there’s a big difference between going private as a stop gap for a couple of years, than going private the full way through secondary and 6th form. You’ll constantly be worrying about whether she can still afford it each year. People’s financial situations do change.

I would definitely agree if it was best for your son, every child is different and needs help at different times.

You either send all of your DC to private schools or none of them.

Lots of children find school boring, you don't move them.
You talk to the school about fixing this and finds ways yourself at home to challenge him.
You certainly do not openly discuss this near them, especially when your husband doesn't agree.
What is so difficult about ensuring your children cannot hear a discussion?
I wouldn't dream of it in these circumstances.

One of the many things my in-laws got wrong was thinking it was fair to send their youngest to private school whilst their oldest struggled to make ends meet on her nurse’s bursary. They even made her repay every penny of a car loan when they’d just come in to a large inheritance.

This caused quite a lot of unspoken resentment which still exists today almost 15 years later.

if your son’s unhappiness is likely to be a temporary thing then I’d work through it without signing up.