My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

My younger brother got sent to a private school on a bursary (and family connections) and I got sent to a state school. I was told it was because he needed the extra support (naughty - class clown). I would have liked to have been given the opportunity to go private too. I don’t think it was fair.

this happened to my DH, it didn’t really benefit him and he’s brother felt worthless, and messed up! There was no benefit to it whatsoever

It sounds as if you wouldn't be making things unequal for your DD, you would be correcting the inequality which currently means that your son is having a bad school experience while she is having a good one. Would she accept this explanation (given it is the actual truth as to Granny's reasoning!).

This

It will drive a wedge between your children and it will be worse when they are older and he has 'connections' that they will never have...

Go for it - if he is struggling the private school will have smaller classes - he will get more out of the private system - life is not always fair but if he is struggling makes sense to send the struggling sibling there

Resentments due to one having a 'better' education could more harm than the new school does good. She isn't prioritising his education because he is the eldest son is she?

Can you talk to the teacher about what the plan is to actually give him more challenge? If you are in Wales or Scotland I think state schools have some obligation to tailor a program for very high achieving & gifted children. Even in England schools are required to stretch all children.

He will be moving schools soon anyway so there may be opportunities to get the best fit state school for him?

Could you update around what year he is in? If he is year 6 about to go to high school you might get a different answer from just gone 10 in year 5.
Either way rushing homework and switching off and not trying isn't acceptable, that behaviour needs addressing. Doing that because he finds it too easy is not ok, it's a terrible attitude. What is resolved by just pulling him out? What's the plan if he gets "bored" in his next school too?

I agree with the others who say that sending one private and not the others is lousy.
I agree with the caution around being dependent on your mum and the control she will have too.

Are you sure it's only £9k a year? That's very cheap for a private school. Realistically I think you should probably take up the offer. Your DD is happy and thriving at her current school, your DS isn't. This is fixing that. Your problem will be when and if DD or DS2 doesn't thrive and your mum can't or won't pay to fix their problems. Have you spoken to her about that? Also what happens if she dies? Does she leave more money for your DS and nothing to the others?

Are you absolutely sure the fees are £9k a year? That does not sound at all likely for a private school in the UK - or are you somewhere else? Have you been to visit this school to see if it might actually offer a better education? Do you know anyone with children there?

Private doesn't necessarily mean better, and at that fee level, you definitely aren't going to be getting an Eton or Westminster level of education.

In any case, won't your DS be changing schools in a year or so anyway, to a (state) secondary where he might be more challenged and less bored? Or again, are you not in the standard UK system where 10 is the last year of primary school?

but the problem with this is that

a) there's nothing to suggest that DS actually does 'need' it. He's not being bullied or falling behind, if anything he's ahead. He's just not particularly enthusiastic about school, which could probably describe at least half his class, and could be solved in lots of other ways - asking for harder work from his teacher, extra curricular activities or tutoring, swapping schools to a non-fee paying one.

b) there doesn't seem to be any suggestion that the other kids will get the same if they also 'need' it. Granny has said she'll pay for DS now and will see what happens with the other two and if they need the same she will pay for them too, she's said the complete opposite. The youngest DC is only 4, how on earth can she say what he might need in 6 years' time?

It would be a no for me , I’m not a fan of treating all children the same however when it comes to schools you need to have the capability to treat them equally if you need to . If your son is that bright / ahead why not look at some independent schools and see if he could get in on merit with a scholarship or bursary that you can afford , that way your other children could have the same opportunity. I’d be very concerned about an independent school that had fees as low as 9k per year . Ours went to a small private school and that was 4k a term 15/20 yrs ago .

No
No
No

Hard no.

I remember abou55 years ago when I was in primary school my best friend's brother was at private school but the other three siblings weren't. Of course at that age I didnt know much but I knew it felt wrong . I remember asking my friend quite a few times why did her brother go to that school but not her.
I shouldn't have been nosy but I was a little kid but even I knew it wasn't fair.

£9k a year seems very cheap. It’s usually more like £9 per term.
I don’t think it’s fair to send just one child to private school unless one of them has special needs.

Your kids shouldn’t know about this. I would only have told DS if the decision was yes. What on earth possessed you to share this news with him before a decision is made?

If you can’t afford 9k for the education- who’s going to pay for uniform, sports kit, extra curricular activities, extra tuition, day trups, ski trips, plus culture trips, meals and the transport (maybe not all independent schools provide transport)

i feel like fees are fine. Its all the extras that start piling on.

DD went to a private infant & primary school. She now attends a public school that out preforms the local grammar school and the 3 surrounding independent schools at GCSE and A-Level

your DS is due to move to secondary soon. Personally id ride it out & use the 9k for something that excites him outside of school.

This ^

This should not have been discussed with any of your children prior to a decision being made - especially when your DH doesn’t agree.

As stands your DS is going to be pissed off if you day he can’t go (and likely more so your DH who you and your mum have nicely framed as the fall guy here) and your younger children (who in the future may have greater need than being “fed up”) will 100% come to resent you and your mother for this offer.

Lastly think about what lesson you are teaching your son. Fed up/can’t be arsed wins prizes.

Your priority needs to be understanding why your bright DS is checking out and work with his current school to address this.

I think you and your mum have created an utter mess here.

I know, but where I live there is a good Send provision in state whereas the two private options are purely focussed on academics.

Why is a more suitable state school not an option?

Could she support your son with tutoring etc rather than this, she's going to damage the bond she has with your DD if this goes ahead.

I would go for it.

tell your DD she has a different time to her brother and he needs to go to a different school, it’s not about the money. Reminder she is happy with her friends etc.

It's not unusual for kids to get a bit bored of primary at this stage; same peers, stuck in same classroom, same routines and maybe more able students not stretched enough as they need to get the whole class to a certain level for sats. But this will all change with secondary, hang in there.

I'd also be wary of a grandparent deciding this is the right school, have you actually looked at it? I know family members in their 70s who still talk about how one sibling got a private education and the other didn't, it's caused decades long issues.

9 k is vvv cheap for a year. It's usually 9k a term. Sounds like your mum is trying to help a grandchild who is struggling. Private school is vvvv expensive and no one can afford for three children. It's up to you re this. How badly is your ds being effected by what happening.

It's not only a mistake to single out one child like that, but you will find the fees rocket after primary and by then he will be unused to the state system. You'd be better off finding more ways to challenge him where he is, or at a different state school.

Has anyone else tried to find a private school charging as little as £9k? Google's suggestions are all a lot more expensive. There is a small private school near me that actually charges less than that (like, £6K!) but it only goes to the end of year 7 so I can't see the point of it for the OP's DS. I have no idea if it's part of a group (it's a church school) so I guess there may be others.

Would DM pay for the other DC when they are 10, just not when they are 4 and 7? I could understand not moving them all at the same time, but it would be unfair to rule out treating them equally at the same stage. What if they need it more - they don't get it because they weren't born first?