My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

This 🤷‍♀️

Exactly my thoughts

I would take the help if the child in question isn't thriving in his current situation.

It's not being unfair if the others are perfectly happy and doing well.

If one kid needed a brace and the others already had naturally straight teeth, would you turn that down too?

Of course you should say no. How could you possibly justify treating your kids so differently.

If you think your ds isn't being adequately stretched, then talk to his school. He doesn't "need" a private school just because he is bright.

In any case, what will you do at a later date if it turns out that your other kids "need" a private school for the same reason or because of something completely different.

You would be mad to even consider this.

But "perfectly happy and doing well" is just a snapshot in time. If that changes in the future, will the OP or her mum stump up for private school fees for them as well?

If it’s going to help your child why would you say no?

Why is the school so cheap, is it actually any good, what happens when he goes to secondary school and the fees go up?

Anyhow I’d say no thank you.

Your DD is telling you how she feels, it’s unlikely that will change. Only you know if you can handle that going forward. It’s unlikely to get better.

All of us siblings went to different schools but that was through merit (or not, ie passing or failing the 11+) so we sucked it up. Paying for only one just wouldn’t sit right with me, so I personally would decline.

If he’s ten he’s at the tail end of his current school anyway and has a new senior school to go to in the not too distant future.

He sounds very intelligent and needs stimulating work. Is it a matter of him just being in year 5/6 and now ready for secondary school? Will a private prep school definitely challenge him more? Is it worth grandma paying school fees for just the last year or so? If you strongly believe a private school would offer more of a challenge for him then I would take her up on her offer.

From a sibling point of view. My brother went to private secondary school at a cost of about £60k total. Myself and my other brother did not go. Me grandparents inheritance was used to pay for it. The same as you, he swapped primary schools a few times, could never really get the right fit. So secondary private seemed the best option. Whereas myself and my other brother had no issues at primary. Was it worth it ? I'm not convinced to be honest. My brother did get qualifications which maybe he wouldn't have achieved in a regular school, but job wise I don't think it has put him at any advantage. He is 24 and works in a chicken shop for minimum wage. Me and my other brother have well paid careers. I wish he had gone to a skill based school like a technical college instead, maybe it would have been better for him in preparing for the world of work. Or maybe it has helped him . There's no way of knowing. There's no right answer. But as a sibling I don't feel jealous or upset that he went to a different school than I did. I just hope that he can find a career path that he enjoys .

Two things- he is coming up to secondary school which is as we all know a real milestone for a child’s education so it’s giving today though him a fantastic push. And private schools are not necessarily right for all children - who’s to say if it would be a good fit but if he’s unhappy where he is now it is a positive thing to do.
Secondly, school fees however much they are per year are not all that you have to pay for there are so many extras uniform trips books it’s not so cut and dried and also peer pressure ..
it’s also a divisive issue inevitably in your family .

I'd accept but I know 2 people who went to a state school whilst a sibling went to private but in both cases it was because they were doing really well and were very happy at state whereas their sibling wasn't and did much better at an independent. Personally I'd nip all this 'posh' business in the bud though as independent schools often aren't at all posh and it's making it slightly sound as though your DS (who may well benefit from it) can't have it because his siblings, (who don't need it ... currently ... though that is something you may need to consider) can't have it too and it's some kind of special treat, rather than just a different type of school.

Please do not refer to public/private school as 'posh' - it is not - just a life choice. However, I speak from experience when I say my first boyfriend went to a state school, but by the time his brother was of that age, his parents could afford to send him to a public school, where he thrived. It always rankled with my boyfriend that he hadn't had that experience so I think if your mother cannot afford the fees for all your kids, then the eldest should not go.

I would definitely consider this if I thought my child would benefit and I couldn’t afford it myself. Although it might be worth exploring whether a different school is the answer or are there additional clubs he could go to (science, maths, lego etc - whatever his interests are) that might interest and inspire him. You’ve said he’s really excited about the prospect of a new school - is he not sad about leaving his friends?

It sounds like your DM could in theory afford to pay the fees for the 3 children but she doesn’t see that there is any need ‘just to makes things equal’ which is a fair point. Children don’t necessarily want to go to a private school just because it costs money. I went to a private secondary school and several girls were sent against their wishes by their parents and ended up moving to their preferred (state) school or getting themselves expelled within the first year.

You’ve said there is currently no need to consider private school for DD and DS2 but I think it would be worth explaining your concerns re perceived favouritism to your DM and find out if she would theoretically be happy to contribute towards something that DD and DS2 would benefit from if that situation occurred organically e.g. one child would benefit from private orthodontic treatment or one child wants to do an expensive hobby or class. This could happen far down the line when DC are teens/adults. I don’t mean coming up with something for her to pay for for each of them for the sake of it.

What is equal is absolutely not fair. You don’t need to send all 3 DC to private school because one went, it might not be right for all of them or what they want. But I think it would seem unfair if DM wasn’t happy to provide a similar financial support to another child (for a genuine reason) if they needed it.

It is very unfortunate that your DS1 and DD have found out about this and the fact that it costs money and your DM would be paying for it ESPECIALLY before you and DH have even got on the same page yourselves.

Lots of 10 year olds find school boring. year 6 is really boring. I dislike the idea that a few of those children 'deserve' a better education. Tbh most children would benefit from smaller classes wouldn't they? YOu may just feel the same once the older ones are 10.

If he stays in the state system - use grannys money to get tutors? Much cheaper than private school - and get him involved with hobbies/ extra cirricular activities etc.

I would 1 million percent say yes and grab it with both hands. The ADVANTAGE it would give your son in life, cannot believe you would consider saying no!

Tell your other kid that's all nanny can afford FFS, it's none of their business anyway! "BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT NANNY WANTS".

Lord, no wonder kids are the way they are today, involved in grown people's business..🙄

My son was like this at your son’s age. I think a lot of children are. You may well find your younger two are as well…then what?

My son re engaged a year later (new teachers/dfferemt focus) and ended up getting mostly A*s in his GCSEs. State school.

What exactly are you hoping to achieve by sending him to a private school? Better grades? More “pushingl”? Because, as a previous poster has mentioned, this can be achieved through private tutoring. Why not get your mum to pay for this instead? It will save a lifetime of hurt and division for the younger two, Absolutely no way would I contemplate allowing two tier education like this. If she can’t afford it for all of them, it doesn’t happen. Simple.

You haven’t really explained what will to happen to him going forward .
Is the school your mother in law wants him to attend a Prep School up to age 13 , or an all through school up to 6th form ?
Fees of £9000 a year aren’t feasible . Are you sure it’s not £9000 a term ?
I agree it’s a dilemma , and probably a bit unfair , just because he’s bored .
Maybe the money would be better spent on an interesting hobby or some extra tuition ?

Don’t assume that private schools will necessarily understand his particular learning issues or push him academically. Both my children went to private schools and that was not the case. Private schools quite often get better results because parents are more invested, push their kids and even pay for private tutors on top of the private schooling. They do however have smaller classes and tend to be better at treating parents as customers.

I would say no thank you. He’s 10, he’ll be off to secondary soon. You can’t buy your way out of problems in life.

I've seen a lot of this, with each child getting what they needed. One child in a family wanted ballet school, one needed home education, with a lot of music and a quiet life, one was dyslexic and heading for delinquency, and benefitted from grandparents sending him to a private school that kept a close eye on him, and another wanted the local comprehensive because of its hockey team. Another family had one in private school, one in the local comp, and one home educated.There was the same variation with activities, some of which are much more expensive than others. You give each child what they need, as far as you can, at the time they need it. You do not cut them all down to the same level when you do not have to. Explain to DD that it's not about being snobby - it's because DS is having problems that this school is better equipped to meet.

This is really tricky.
I think id say no,
Firstly because private school is a long term commitment, does she mean secondary school ie fior next 7vyears or is DM just thinking about last year of primary?
It would be really hard to pull DS out of private if DM suddenly couldn't pay.
Secondly its also about fairness of opportunities, small class sizes ,extra curricular activities , better facilities. I think pp is naive thinking DC wouldn't pick up on the difference.
I would look at other state schools for DS1
The only way i might comtenplate it is if DS1 had SEN like dyslexia or something that needed better support which DD and DS2 didnt have. Although tbf they could be diagnosed later!
I think its a bit of a can of worms tbh!

Oh, what an opportunity for your son. It sounds like he’s bright & his current school doesn’t meet his needs. One of my sisters (4 of us) went to a private school & we attended the local high school. I never felt envy or bitterness, & she benefited greatly from it.
I’m sure your mother will provide for your other children in other ways in due course: but it’s as if she can see your son is frustrated by his current circumstances & such her proposed act of benevolence would be an opportunity missed.

Which is fine, if you have the financial means to make sure all their needs are met- private school fees, ballet lessons, someone at home to educate.

The issue here is yes, they’re giving the eldest what he needs, and the youngest two’s needs are met now

but what happens when the youngest two’s get a bit older - one gets diagnosed with dyslexia, one needs would be met by a different school, one is musical and needs lessons, one is sporty and the costs that go with competing, or a theatre kid that wants that?

what then? Sorry kids, all the money went of ds1 and meeting his needs, and now we can’t afford to meet yours. You’re stuck in the shitty state school, and we can’t afford music/tutor/dance/whatever.

that’s when it all comes unstuck….