My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

Is she planning on evening out the money at some later date? ie leaving more money to your other two children in her will? If not, then I d refuse.

If you think you have a high potential child then private school might not be the right choice anyway , if she is whipping to invest in your child then there are better ways as extra curricular activities , extra tutoring more advanced than school etc .
Personally I would not put just one child in a private school

It never ends well if one child is treated differently. I would say thanks but no thanks.

Maybe look at some afterschool clubs to expand his mind a bit.

Absolutely no way would I let grandparents play favourites with my kids.

Say no. There must be other ways to support his needs more which don't involve private school.

As your son is 10 he would be moving to secondary school anyways wouldn’t he? If so I think I would let him go and then start saving/asking Grandma to contribute to the others if when the time comes to go to secondary school, they want to go to this school/are suited to it. All children are different and just because it’s the right school for one doesn’t mean it is for another.

If he's not happy at his school then I'd send him, but surely he's abou tto go to secondary anyway?

I'm an only child so have alwasy found siblings needing the exact same thing or exact value really bizarre. Eg. 1 kids gets sports equipment worth £500 so the other kid gets the exact amount in cash. Different people need different things at different times.

So dbil had a similar situation. However his older child went to state school. His younger son needed additional help. He himself paid for private primary school only for his son. Both children thrive now in secondary school and no ill feeling.

Yes 100%. He has different needs. Simple. In the future when the others need help with a car or uni fees you can offer to help them then, but for now, this is what he needs.

It's quite possible DS will benefit from a change of school but it can't be done in a way that doesn't make the younger one's feel disadvantaged. When DS goes to secondary school things will be quite different and there may be more opportunities for him. In the meantime, have you thought about getting a private tutor in at home for a couple of his favourite subjects? This would be much more cost effective (and money spent in place of a hobby?) maybe grandparent could cover the 'hobby' costs for all children as it'll be significantly less than £9k per year (and we all know that private schools will be more expensive - think uniform, school trips, equipment etc)

Does your school system allow for kids to do coursework at higher levels? Skip grades?

I'm in Canada. Here, a child excelling academically could do higher grade coursework add get credit at that higher level.
I have friends that took two different routes:
one kept their kid in his grade so he moved along with his peers, but did math, science and language arts 2 years above. When he began high school he took university courses in math and science with a teacher part-time away from his peers (as did a few others), so he got the benefit of staying with peers for social development.
The other friend let her child skip right up one or two grades and just go through school with the higher age group and graduate early.

Are there other options?

How would your 7 year old know that grandma is paying and that the school is “posh”? Surely just “DS is starting a new school” is all that’s needed?

Exactly - too much information given to a young child.

This. What if another of your children "needs" it.

My friend’s parents did this, they sent his youngest sister to private school whilst he and his eldest sister had to attend mainstream schools. They’ve grown up to be quite resentful that they weren’t given the same opportunities as their younger sister.

It would be a no for me, all my children are treat equally or not at all.

but from the sounds of this, the other chidren in the family won't get their future needs met?

It sounds like your son has the need for private school in the context of what he is currently experiencing. The others are apparently fine, so accept with gratitude.

Very diversive and a way to set up resentment amongst your children for the rest of their lives.
If he really needs to change schools do it within the state system.
Many children, boys especially dont find school the most entertaining of places.
Perhaps she can pay for an exciting hobby or club he would like to go to. She can then do it for the others when they find school a bit lack luster.

I would say yes if he is increasing at risk of disengaging with school. That would bring on other problems. But ensure you know all the costs and whether your mum can still afford this.

Take it!
1 kid at a time when they reach age yr son is now.
yr 7 year old wdnt have said posh school etc unless she heard it from someone.
yr son needs this & u'll kick yrself for it later on.
msg me if you like, i know all about the ups and downs of private schools or not.
ive had friends my age go private bt not the other 2 siblings due to cost. it made a huge difference to their life and no one resented it when they grew up.
mumsnet probably isnt a good place to be asking this tbh as so many on here are very against private schools.

Would I fuck allow a relative to use their money to drive a wedge between my children. This sort of hurtful divisiveness can destroy relationships. It’s unfortunate that your eldest child is excited about the idea. He should never have heard about it until a decision had been made - by his parents.

The teacher says he needs more challenge - why isn’t she giving him more challenging work?
If the school is that useless you should ask grandma to pay for a tutor for him and ask the tutor to stretch him.

It’s a no from me too but £9K a year sounds very cheap!

His teacher should be challenging him then.

Won't he be moving onto secondary school in a year? I'd concentrate on getting him into a good school. Lots of children get a bit lazy towards the end of primary.

And I definitely wouldn't be accepting this kind of money from a relative - firstly because it's unfair on your younger two but also because it will cause a different dynamic between you and your husband, and your mum. You will always have to be careful not to annoy her.

Hey so many questions about this..
why do all of your children know about it if a desicion nor been made the way I see it either way now someone will be dissapointed and hurt. If you decide to send him your daughter will be genuinely hurt and if you don’t then your son will be genuinely disappointed. Maybe would have been better to not tell the children until a decision was made?
have you asked your mum outfits why your son? Does she see something in him academically? Could maybe you explain it this way to your daughter that the school meets his needs? Without her feeling shes not as capable. Either way it would have been better to keep it from the children until a decision had been made because now it’s ten times harder

Is private school definitely the answer? Not long until he’s in high school. What about a good grammar school for high school? Could there be a compromise I.e it goes towards tutoring some advanced stuff / other clubs for the time being?

Nine grand a year for the next eight years ( except it is not likely to stay at 9 grand, especially in secondary school, hope granny has factored this in, would be a shame to run out of cash in a gcse or AL year) would actually pay for a lot of enriching experiences all three children could benefit from. Sports clubs, tutors, holiday activities, drama clubs etc etc etc. Maybe granny could be persuaded to think again.

Meanwhile, as his parent, out why your child is disengaged from his current school, there could be a lot of reasons, finds the work too easy or too hard, friendship issues, worried about puberty, anxious about secondary transfer, not settled into his new class, needs to wear glasses, needs his hearing checked ………