My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

I’m going against the stream here and saying take it. As you’ve said she isn’t doing this because he’s her favourite but because she’s seeing a child with unmet needs which this will meet. She doesn’t want to pay extra for children who are happy where they are and that makes sense.

I don't think you should say no given your children know.
This should have been discussed without either child's knowledge.

I have some experience of this as my DH was the one who didn’t get to go but his big brother did - it was paid for by their parents but only for one of their two children as he was deemed ‘the brainy one’ - I have to say, my DH is 50 years old now and he still brings it up to his parents - the resentment runs deep. I’m not sure why your children are all aware of this situation as it should not have been discussed until it was decided. I could not let my parent play favourites - how can your Mum possibly know if your other children ‘need’ this school or not, one of them is 2 years old?! It would be a definite ‘no’ from me as you are potentially helping to cause a huge rift between your children and your Mum should accept that as kind as her offer is, it does look like favouritism.

Exactly this. If grandma could pay for the others if you all found out in the future that they were disengaged, then fine. But if grandma really can’t afford it for the other 2, for definite, then I wouldn’t accept it.
isn’t definitely 9k a year?

Do you have a back up plan if your mum can't pay the school fees due to death or disability? If not, you will need to withdraw your son from a school he might love. You also need to factor in it's not just the school fees. There's books, uniform, school trips, lunches etc. You should also factor in a 10% plus VAT increase in fees each year plus a big jump in the exam years. There's been a £6k jump for mine in the space of 4 years compared to where we started. There's also VAT to consider as not all private schools advertise the price including the VAT.

Has he had a tour / taster day and does he like it? My older daughter is at a small private school as she has SEND and needs the smaller classes. Has he ASD / ADHD? Could you explain it to the younger kids that way? I explain to my younger children that their older sister can’t cope with the big school and needs a quieter setting while they are strong and can go to big school with all their friends. but obvs tailor it to your kids so they accept it. Why make your older child miserable if your mum is offering him a chance to thrive? No harm in doing a taster day.

A lot of primary school kids disengage in the final year of primary school before they head to secondary.
personally I wouldn’t send one of three kids to private school - I’d probably find some more extra curricular activities or extra tutoring if a child isn’t being stretched.
what are your state secondary schools like - you must be going through the selection process now?

£9k is ridiculously cheap. Have you actually read the Ofsted reports and looked at their results? There are some pretty useless private schools around.

If his teacher thinks he needs more challenge what are they doing about it? That's where I would start. Maybe your mother would pay for a tutor to learn another language or a musical instrument or a sport so he can be challenged in other ways?

It’s important to fully understand the root of being fed up and fully understand what is underlying needing more challenge. You’d need to be sure that a private school would meet this unmet need in a way that the current school doesn’t. Whilst I’m. It a teacher, I’m fairly sure that a decent teacher would find some way of stimulating him. A good school can support children who are struggling and children who are gifted. To be honest, it doesn’t reflect brilliantly on your school…..

My husband’s grandmother paid for his older sister to go to a private prep school as she wasn’t getting on and struggled. My husband stayed at the local village school. The difference is she really needed it and he didn’t. He ended up getting into the grammar school and has done exceptionally well in his career/ life. Sometimes one child does need extra help and if you can offer it then great. I suppose the problem starts if the other two also struggle down the line and there is no money to help them.

My kids went to different school. Both independent and state. The ones in state didn't care that their sibling was in a fee paying school because they didn't see the difference. So a little advice, be careful what you feed your kids. Posh school???? Wth

I think it’s really kind of her to do this especially if he’s not
thriving where he is And I’m sure it’s not favouritism . She probably will do other things for the other 2 It’s not always about money . They don’t seem to need this help at the moment and may thrive where they are . Take her offer and help
him have a better time than he is now

It would be a yes from me and we have sent one of ours to private school and not the other 2

Just because you pay, doesn't mean its actually a better educational environment. The fact that its independent may also mean its not scrutinised in the same way. Schools are obliged to have a gifted and talented policy and develop children who fall within that scope. There are so many other avenues esp at 10. You say your younger 2 are content where they are; perhaps DS1 was too at their age. What if things change for them? You've set a precedent if you react to this in a specific way I'm afraid.

You are allowing this offer / your mum to create division amongst your family and between the kids themselves.

Absolutely not, it’s not worth it.

He’ll be moving schools in a year or two; he’ll have to suck it up re not liking school like the rest of all children. Pay for a tutor if he wants to advance himself or take him to another hobby. There is NO WAY I would advantage one child over others in this way.

you have been ridiculous to have ever mentioned this to the children

It would be a no from me.
however, I live in a place where grammar schools are and we may well end up with children in different secondary schools due to the test.
and I myself won a scholarship to a private school, we were v poor (poverty) and my mum didnt put my middle sister in for the test and we moved shortly after and I left the school. But we may well have ended up with me in the private school and the others not. But, no one was paying for that, it was a completely funded scholarship. But I don’t know if that’s different really.
but no I think for us we would say no to this.
i assume he could go to another school without paying for this private school.
however, I have a daughter who is 7 and the phrasing ‘paying for him to go to a posh school’ is an odd one, I’d suggest she’s heard that from him/grandma/either of you…which is a problem if this is to go ahead. My 7 year old wouldn’t see it that way or say that phrase, so if someone is telling her that that’s an issue.

I think you all need to be more careful about what she’s hearing. That’s a real issue that she’s heard that and
knows it’s him and not her. That’s what’s creating the issue really.

Having worked at a HLTA in primary school I would say that 10 year olds are at a tricky age, and quite a few children struggle because they’re ready for Senior school. Could you possibly go down the route of a tutor to stretch his mind a bit more. Are you in an area that sits the 11+ as maybe a grammar school would be a better option. If not maybe after school clubs that occupy his mind in another way

That’s really not much money for a private school?

How do we know the others aren’t going to need it? One is only 4 years old

£9k a year? That does not sound like an improvement to what he's got. That's usually the cost per term!

If he’s 10, he will be leaving primary and starting secondary school next year anyway. He may love secondary school. What is the rush for him to leave in year 6?

What makes you think that private school is going to switch him on? Its stricter, more structured and expectations are higher.
have you had him assessed for adhd? There’s two types, he sounds like he could be the inattentive type which can be ultimately devastating in Adult life (me).
Because that will make a difference, in school choice and with him as an individual navigating life.

Not sure whether you have really thought this through with your mother. Yes she wants him to go, but why?
Adhd / or autism tests are about 1000 pounds for a private diagnosis else you’ll be on a waiting list for 2 year plus. I would ask her to pay for that first, and / or get to the root of why he seems disinterested.
imagine your mother paying his fees and then you find out he’s disinterested still.

Children are all different, and have different needs at different times.

Trying to give each the same budget of parental time / money / extended family time / money would mean no one got what was right for them.

You do right for each child as best you can, and as often as possible without disadvantaging the other.

It sounds like school is an area where DS1 would really benefit from something other than standard state offer. Doesn’t get much from lots of time with grandma. Daughter gets lots out of time with grandma, which is 1:1 adult time and really beneficial to children, but wouldn’t get much gain from a different school as the current on works well for her. What youngest needs isn’t clear right now