My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

It would be a firm no from me. If the offer can only be open to one of the three (quite reasonable, few people could comfortably afford school fees for three grandchildren) then it is for none of them because of the clear favouritism of DS.

Also, I agree with others saying that £9k sounds very cheap. Are you even certain that this school could fulfill DS's needs and he wouldn't be bored there too?

I think you were very unwise to mention this in front of any of your children before a discussion and decision with DH (who I agree very much with by the way). It sounds like it has almost been presented to them as a done deal. Why? It surely isn't yet. If I were your DH I would be very pissed off with you for doing this, and for allowing your mother to meddle too.

Can you ask the teacher what they mean by ‘more challenge?’ perhaps there are ways this can be supported out of school? But also do the school not offer anything to provide challenge for kids that need it?

Have you been to any open days for secondary school yet? Perhaps this could give him something to strive for

I would say no.

It would be a resounding no from me.

Apart from the rift it seems to already have caused between grandmothwr and granddaughter or between brother and sister, there is no guarantee whatsoever that your DS would settle and like the new school.

Sort out whatever problems your DS has in the school he's in.

Or it could be the opposite.

The child could bring his issues with him and still be miserable.

The adults (you and DH) should have discussed this privately and reached a mutual decision before mentioning it to your son / children. If DH is anti and won't budge, that is your answer. Your mother can offer but shouldn't be interfering in your parenting decisions.

To me it sounds like you should be asking the current school to step up and find ways of challenging your DS - if that really is the issue. The teacher's role is to meet the needs of every child.

Absolutely not.
You're opening yourselves and the children up to trouble if you accept this.

Not only will it drive a wedge between the siblings, between your children and you, and between them and your DM, but DM could stop paying at any time for any reason, leaving your DS facing problems.

I'd say yes only if all children are covered by the offer and the funds legally guaranteed until end of their school years from the outset. Think solicitor appointment.

£9k a year???
Anyway, that aside, say no. It’s not for a good reason, eg. SEN, and it’s clearly going to breed huge resentment. What happens when your younger kids hit a similar age and also start disengaging from school? They’ll also have a great additional reason to feel pissed off! I’d ask your mum if you can use some of that money for tuition and or clubs to enhance all their education.

That’s very cheap for a private school. I’d take it and explain to the kids that it’s not favouritism, it’s each to their needs. I doubt your DS will like that school any better anyway, so the others will soon hear him complaining and realise the grass isn’t greener.

Not sure if @ThisTropical is going to come back but it is interesting that there is a range of responses.

I am certainly all for acting based on the needs of the child. One of my DC was very sporty and that involved a lot of ££ on travel, kit, fees; but the other two were not so keen. They did other things that helped them.

Two of my DC went to uni so there was expense there for us, and a lot more on one than the other for various reasons. That all makes sense to me. And I am pretty sure the DC are fine with it.

This I think, especially in the way it seems to have been presented to the DC, could end up being really divisive. If I were you @ThisTropical I would first investigate what DS's current school is doing to support him; and look at where he might go in year 7. If that's not helpful, then look at whether there is a school locally that would better suit your DS – state or private.

Blindly accepting (as it sounds) the school your mother has found seems odd. have you seen it? Is is a good fit for DS? Does it really exist? What age does it go to and what are the fees for senior school – even the cheapest prep usually sees a rise at age 11?

I actually suspect this is not true; or at best, the mum has got the fees mixed up and it is £9k per term (private school websites often list fees per term). If so I guess it is a no anyway. Do please update OP.

I can see why you are tempted. Sometimes treating children with equal love and fairness doesn’t mean giving them exactly the same. But there are so many potential issues with accepting. What if your other children’s needs change? What if your mum’s personal financial needs change? What if the disparity causes damage in the sibling relationships?

Perhaps there’s a middle way - can you graciously accept your mum’s offer of financial support to find a solution for your eldest - but ask for the funds to be used to set up private tutoring and / or activities he loves outside school? A really good tutor with a mentoring approach could be so helpful for him.

It could also be worth investigating whether the independent school in question has a bursary offer. Have you spoken with the school about your conundrum? Many schools can’t support families with fees, but others definitely can. It’s worth having the conversation just in case.

Surely he’s starting secondary soon, which will provide a more stretching and new experience for him. Don’t see why an independent school is necessary at this point.

He’ll be leaving primary school soon I guess so hopefully secondary school will provide more of a stretch and challenge. I wouldn’t treat the children differently- it will cause a family rift.

What happens when the fees increase which they generally do as children get older? Can she afford that?

Surely at 10 he only has one year left anyway?

Yes my son found primary boring but the teachers were good at stretching the top of the top set at his big secondary. Hes doing an A level for fun with a tutor alongside his GCSEs to give him the extra stretch he still wanted. And because the work isn't tough at school he has plenty of time for extra curriculars, voluntary work and socialising

I also think she has misread the price. Our local private secondary is £9,700 termly but their fees page doesn’t make that super clear. It just says fees £9,700.

I would agree, there are a few schools which come in at under £10,000 per year but they are few and far between.

That's the snag, to my mind. Private education isn't necessarily better by default. Given so many parents seem to have accepted as a universal truth that it is, that smacks to my mind of a successful marketing strategy. Cf. 'Russell Group'. It's a self-designated brand and a case of others taking those universities at their own estimation. Others are just as good. And a good state school might be better than some private schools where parents believe they are buying potential networking and social opportunities. They're probably not. If you're not in those circles to begin with, you will very likely never be.

Aside from that attitude to the private vs. state sectors, I agree with your DH that I'd be very wary of accepting this offer. I understand that different children have different needs; what one gets doesn't have to be exactly the same as the others. But there are other considerations. DM now gets control over your DS's education. She can change her mind at any time. That's not in your control, plus you'd then have all the upheaval of changing schools to an environment he's no longer used to at all. Then we have the 'I'm paying for his education, therefore I have a say in X, Y, Z' possibility.

There are too many pitfalls here, and divisiveness between siblings to this degree isn't a good idea. I'm with the 'no's.

A very tricky situation. Personally I would focus on the benefit it can bring to your son and manage the other children as best you can so they don’t “feel” lesser - are they happy in their schools?

What if something happened your mum and she wasn't able to continue paying.
It shouldn't have been discussed within earshot of the kids.
They know now and it's a mess either way

This is spot on. Whatever you do now will cause problems. Why on earth did you tell the kids? Or did your mother tell them, in which case it's a very firm "no" as this is over interfering in your family life and very manipulative.

I would say yes to give your eldest a chance and tell your daughter you will see how he gets on and consider moving her later on if you can manage it.

Absolutely not if you want to avoid creating o going resent that will stick with all of your children and you and your mum for the rest of your lives. Absolutely awful decision to make for one child only

I think the school are being a bit rubbish. They've identified he needs extra challenge but aren't giving it?

Rather than switching schools would he benefit from some tutoring or extra curricular or even tutoring for the 11 plus (youve possibly missed the window for this if he's already in year 6) because I'd be worried about the ongoing financial commitment if grandmother changes her mind or circumstances change.

Then push the school a bit more on their differentiation. It should be both to stretch the more able and support those needing extra help, not just the latter!

His grandma is offering to pay for him as a solution to get him away from a school where he has stopped engaging. I would absolutely say yes. DD has to learn that life isn't always equitable, and that she and her other sibling doesn't need it.