My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

There’s no way I would treat one child so differently to the others in this way, especially not because they were a bit bored.

Ugh no thanks. I’d tell them to arrange to split that money three ways for each child. It could help them towards a house deposit or uni fees. Don’t forget how your other children will feel knowing that you as parents sat back and accepted this deal! I think it’s you they’ll resent the most when they’re older.

Don't do it. Don't prioritise one child and set up the potential for a lifetime of sibling resentments.

I grew up in an extended family where the family convention was that the boys were privately schooled while the girls went to the bog standard comp.

One female relative in her 60s is still bitterly aggrieved that she got fewer opportunities compared to her brother over 50 years later.

I've read your posts, but not the rest of the thread. I only have 1 child, so dont have this dilemma. I was shocked when one set of friends did this, sent their children to different types of school. They said clearly that they had to do what was best for each child at that time. Fair enough. Then a 2nd set of friends, totally unconnected, did the same. I asked again. [I do love my friends and care about their children!]. Almost the identical reply: we need to do what is best for this child at this time. Again, I replied fair enough. So I wonder if your mum is also of this philosophy - that you need to deal with the immediate situation, not worry about the future. For my 2 sets of friends - DC now in their late 20s/early 30's - none of the children appear to have resented their parents choice. So perhaps communication is key.

A friend of mine had a very similar situation. 2 DS, and one was very unhappy in his state school, marginalised and just not gelling at all. She asked her DM, and the DM agreed to pay for private school for that child.
2nd DS is at the same school the older one went to, very happy and thriving there. They don't need to move him.
It's more about giving each child what they need, rather than the same thing. Fast forward 4 years, if your DD was very unhappy in her school, could your mother help to take her out, at least until GCSEs.

I also think you are making it worse by talking about it in front of your DD, and making a big thing about 'posh school'. We have one child in a more expensive school than the others, and it's only very recently the others clocked it (age 13). We just said 'it's the school that suits your brother', and made it very clear we liked their school just as much, and socialised with the parents, went to school events etc. You are making more of it than it is. And at £9k a year, it's hardly Eton, so you should manage to make everything feel on an equal footing.

My parents did this. They paid for my brother to go to private school and not their daughters based on some weird premise that he would want a career and we wouldn’t. While simultaneously claiming to be against sexism, but that’s another thread entirely.

I can see both sides. Your son possibly needs it but at the same time it will breed resentment. Even when nothing is said. It’s a Hobson’s Choice truly and I don’t envy you.

It’s a no from me.

This situation happened in my family. My grandparents paid for my brother to go to private school as my father and they thought it was important that he do well. It wasn’t seen to be important how I did so I went to the local secondary school. It still annoys me even now, all these years later that my brother and I were treated so differently. I don’t hold it against him at all, poor kid, he used to literally have my father standing over him shouting that he better do well when he had homework. I was lucky that he was never bothered about mine in that sense. But if you want to potentially create resentment and a sense of unfairness between your children then accept her offer.

if the teacher says he needs more challenge then why the fuck isn’t the teacher giving him more challenge? That is literally his job.

Children aren't all equal in every way. Some need more at school, some need more hugs, some need more discipline

All your DC don't need to be at private school or at a normal school.
If you think it'll benefit him, take it.

My brother went to private school and I didn't . Never gave a shit. He was much cleverer than me and years ahead of his classmates in primary school he had to leave

When I was growing up my sibling moved to a local private school at a similar age for a similar reason, I stayed in my state school. I didn't mind at all, I liked my school and had my friends there, they liked their new school. I don't feel any resentment, it was fine. Something that helped is that my parents never talked about the fees or the money or who was paying so I never felt it being financially unfair. Just say "your sibling is going to a new school" and spare them the family finances diacussion, they might not give it much thought at all.

He needs to grow up

It's horrifying how many families chose to send their sons but not their daughters to private school - absolutely awful.
And in other families which don't have that black and white sexist rule, but do send one child to private school and another to state school for different reasons, I'd be interested to know what proportion are boys v girls, older v younger.

I'm not completely opposed to the possibility that it might be ok to send one child to private school and another to state school. But I think it's only OK when the parents can actually afford to send all the children to private school, the decision is made for each child based on which school suits them best, and private school is a genuine option for each child. Even then, I'd struggle a lot with it, myself.

Sorry - your 7 year old is aware it’s a private school? How?

Kids aren’t stupid. Even without being told they’d work it out.

Theres no guarantee at all that your eldest will ultimately benefit from being at a private school op. He might….. but might not.
One thing that is gut is resentment from the other siblings both as children and when they are adults.

Children should not have any knowledge of what is going on, financially. This change of school could save a fortune in therapies and life long issues. Thank your Mother and accept it.

My twice friends choice was not based on sex. So this is not always the reason for this type of decision making.

Not a sex-issue for my 2 totally separate sets of friends. Both needed help from families. The first family - it was a boy (SEN) and then much later their third (girl and issues). The 2nd family - all girls - it was their 2nd child, and then much later the 3rd child. Some of the schools were uber posh - but by location chance, rather than real choice. Both families felt loudly and proudly they had done the best for their children at that time.

sex was a contributory factor for our family. Sil argued boys needed private school as state school would mean they got in a bad crowd and would end up with bad grades and a future as a common labourer. They needed private school so ensure they grew up with the “right sort” of friends and got into good uni’s - Russell group rah rah.

girls apparently don’t misbehave and are all pretty little princesses sitting around nicely. They always study hard and are motivated.

plus dh is obviously a boy, with a full time job so should be able to afford it for his own family.

we didn’t actually find out in laws paid for it (and their uni) until much later.

I do think it influences many decisions, and many people think boys to less well in large state schools, where girls cope better and their friendship groups are the important thing- as indeed o/p has used in her argument…

It’s not necessarily better- just different.

I don't know that the discussions were and exactly how much my grandparents paid versus my parents, but my brother went to private school for high school (five years here) and I stayed in the public system (aka state). It was what seemed right for each of us, and I've never felt resentful about it.

It actually seems a bit similar to the OP's son - my brother is/was super smart (we are/were both academic and in the accelerated/gifted program in the public system) but rather lazy in school and got away with doing the bare minimum (and still doing annoyingly well).

I have no idea if they had discussions about sending me to private school (they could have afforded it) but I was happy where I was and it was never discussed with me.

Don't know if you'll see this as you have pages of responses now.

Anyway, firstly I will repeat what other people have said. 9K really doesn't sound right. That is extremely cheap for a private school. I've just looked at what my son's old school charges now and it's 10-11K per term. You might like to check this. Also I'm sure that DM realises that the fees increase incrementally and with inflation. Do check.

it's a difficult one. All of my children went to a mixture of state and private schools during different periods in their education. It's actually 'balanced out', and they don't perceive any favouritism.

My neice went to a private girls school, paid for by Gran, as she was having a really bad time at her state. Her bro went to a different state. I'm not quite sure how it was handled, but there was no animosity.

I think that you're in a very difficult situation, made worse by the fact that all of your children seem to be aware of the debate which doesn't appear to have been decided upon yet, given your OP, and your DHs stance. Also it isn't helping that it's being regarded as a 'posh' school, and your younger daughter is already picking up on this and asking why her brother gets to go but she doesn't.

I don't feel in a position to give any advice as to what to do. The fact that you haven't agreed between you and your DH as to whether he'll go, but he is already under the impression that he is going is going to make it very difficult to manoeuvre. I wish you luck.

You give your child the education they need Then go for it

Sorry for the update, I meant that 9k per year didn't sound right.