School wants my 10-year-old in nappies due to bowel issues

[CoffeeMama22]

My DD has been struggling with her bowels all her life, fully potty trained dry night and day. She is 10.
recently she has been off school due to a bowel obstruction. Awaiting surgical removal etc. due to over flow, pain etc she has been unable to attend school.

school has stated that I need to put my daughter in nappies, their words not mine!

shes 10 and never had any issues before.
im so angry right now, and really thinking about home schooling.

I have asked for medical reports from consultants etc, but for a 10 year old surely this would be embarrassing and backwards learning. I have personally asked my daughter and she has said no, but the school have said it’s effecting her education way too much. FYI I have been doing a lot of home Ed because the school haven’t sent her any school work yet.

Bring on the social services, agree that the lack of education is horrific. The school has a duty of care to provide home based learning for students who cannot attend in person. Why has the school not provided this? Because the cheapest option is to bully a parent into forcing an ill child into school.

What an awful time for your daughter and such a stressful situation for you too.

The approach and understanding to bladder and bowel conditions in this country is WOEFUL. In my experience, as an ex primary teacher and parent of a child with chronic bowel and bladder issues, there is an assumption issues are caused by parenting. The way in which it impacts on a child’s quality of life is not understood by education settings or many medical professionals, in my experience.

Your daughter needs an individual healthcare plan at school ASAP based on the medical info you’ve supplied and I would use ERIC and Bladder and Bowel to help inform this. ERIC especially has amazing templates. If she is diagnosed with Hirschsprung's then she will have a disability and the school will need to meet her needs. Putting children in nappies is not a recommendation the NHS make in this country. Many children do use pads to help discretely deal with overflow or leaks during school. However, the school then has a responsibility to provide a private toilet for those children to use so they can safely dispose of pads and wipes. Depending on their age and level of independence, they may need a member of staff to check on them or even assist which should be put in a separate intimate care plan. Children’s privacy and dignity should be paramount.

When your daughter’s school is suggesting for her to wear nappies not only are they ignoring her right to dignity but it seems to me they’ve not considered how or where she will change her nappies or how to dispose of them or who the member of staff will be to keep an eye on her. It seems as if they are prioritising her attendance over her wellbeing.

I don’t understand how school called the ‘child in need’ card as that would mean they have safeguarding concerns and would have to do a referral (which needs your consent, unless the concern and risk is so great they can bypass this). This is completely unprofessional. I understand schools have to check in on attendance and welfare and check on those with long-term and chronic illness, as children do fall through the cracks. However, your child is awaiting surgery, had a medical diagnosis for a bowel obstruction and is awaiting further potential diagnosis. You’re not just keeping her off because you feel like it. If the school are that concerned then a referral to social services may go through but I doubt it would be escalated to social care and it would go through early help first.

If the school want information from medical professionals then they need to organise a meeting between these professionals, the school and you so you can create a plan for your daughter together. I think the LA and SEND service being involved would be helpful to as it sounds like tutoring or hospital school may be good alternatives for your daughter at the moment. I think any planning you’re doing, particularly after the surgery and biopsy results, need to have that transition to secondary school considered.

Arm yourself with the school’s policies, medical guidance and don’t be afraid to escalate to governors, the LA and your MP. Have you spoken to ERIC yet? They are SO helpful and it really prepared me for a school meeting for my child.

I hope your daughter’s surgery comes through soon and I’m sure you’ve been advocating for her here. It’s such a long wait for anything. Your daughter sounds like an absolute trooper and I really hope the surgery brings her a much better quality of life. 🤍

Help with what exactly?

Have you ever taken her to a psychologist?
Incontinence in a young girl can be a psychological consequence of trauma.

Is it hirschsprungs biopsy’s you are waiting on? What is happening for her day to day? I would be reverting back to her medical team about a more urgent clear out if she’s in so much pain. They usually do the clear out and biopsy at the same time to avoid putting them under GA more than once. I’d also consider accepting the part time timetable that they have offered. My kid has bowel issues. Her medical team are great. Your kid shouldn’t be in so much pain they can’t go to school everyday. School will be considering child in need if they don’t see a compromise / willingness to try and get her back to school - as hard as that is - but a CiN status isn’t necessarily a bad thing it will give you more help

Of course it’s humiliating. Would you like to poo yourself at work and everyone smell it?

You’re deliberately goading.

Not their responsibility?! If that is truly the case these days, it is a relatively new thing and bloody outrageous. Whose responsibility is it? Because if there is the energy to bully parents of sick children there is certainly the energy to set them some tasks on a Maths platform

Focus entirely on the pain when talking to the school. If they mention continence, say it isn’t currently relevant to her attendance.

If she has hirschsprungs disease she will need surgery.

The lack of support for you and your DD is appalling. Complain to the governors, you local MP and Ofsted. Their suggestion of nappies is humiliating and shocking they can not see this. How on earth are these teachers lacking such empathy and unable to be child focused! Call them out on their bullying tactics. I would also be vocal and let other parents know as well.

There may be more to this than we know.
Going nuclear is not an adult response.

How long has she been off school?

I wonder if they might have safeguarding concerns rather than attendance concerns.

Whatever the concerns are, they appear to be poorly communicated.

I wonder if hospital school might be an option further down the line. I hope she gets the treatment she needs soon.

Nor is assuming there must be more to a situation due to your prejudices.

You take threads on face value or just don’t comment.

They are massively over stepping.

I would be sending a very strongly worded letter to the head and governors regarding about utterly degrading their suggestion is.

No regard for her physical or emotional wellbeing.

Just want her in for their attendance figures.

When schools aren't hunting down sick children or their parents re attendance, they also sometimes penalise them and remove treats (which were just normal things, not treats for 100% attendance when I was at school like trips and discos) for failing to get 100% attendance.

It felt sometimes with DD that they were being run by emotionless bots. Though I think that's unfair to ChatGPT and their ilk as they provide more caring communications.

I've worked in several schools over the past 15 years, and can say that the way your daughter's school is treating her/you, is dreadful. No school should be suggesting putting a 10 year old child into nappies. That's humiliating and embarrassing for her, and will do her harm mentally. Do you have a EHCP for her? If not, you need to try and sort this out asap. If your daughter is awaiting biopsy results and an operation, it's very obvious she can't be in school.

The fact the school are banging on about attendance, when they should be sending work home and supporting your daughter, is disgraceful. Yes, attendance is important but in this situation, you aren't keeping her off school because you can't be arsed to send her. There's a legitimate medical reason for it.

I think you need to look on the school's website regarding their complaints procedure and follow it to the letter.

Yes indeed it is all about attendance figures which affect Ofsted.

Schools are no longer child-centred places. I guess we have Michael Gove to thank for that.

When I was at senior school I remember a girl being absent for about 3 months due to having glandular fever. She still managed to get straight As in her GCSEs. I wonder if her family would have been hounded today?

You are free to take threads on face value if you wish - that is your choice.
You don't get to tell others to do the same or just not comment.
That's dictatorial.

@Kirbert2i presume she means she’s waiting for a manual evacuation rather than a laparotomy. Manual evacuation isn’t a medical emergency in the same way as an obstruction.

Help out with what?
Make the child pain free?
Perform surgery on the kitchen table this weekend?
What exactly do you think he can "help" with in this instance?

The school has choices here. The OP obviously feels hounded rather than supported while her daughter is seriously ill.

For what it’s worth, there is a child in my daughter’s class who cant manage full time school due to disability. A TA goes to her house and supports her learning at home. That feels much more constructive than harassing a family over attendance.

It's not the responsibility of school to set work for absent children unless excluded for a fixed term. Post covid plenty of schools were setting work and saw attendance drop because parents were saying "it's OK, they work at home" ignoring the workload issue and the missed learning from not being in school.

It's not about energy, it's about parents starting to think school is optional. Setting work for absent students creates an impression that school is optional to attend because you can get the learning elsewhere and just as good from a screen; you can't. Same with parents asking for work for holidays. I will set work for individual cases on a 1:1 basis, but no law means I have to.

While we're here AV1 robots are a waste of time. They aren't a classroom replacement.

The LA has the responsibility to provide work.

But it's maddening when you have a child with chronic illness who is more than capable of learning but cannot physically attend.
I now pay for tutors for mine when they are off due to their chronic condition, but most people can t afford that

It's madness that the DfE and schools are more focussed on box ticking attendance than aiding the education of children with health issues

(My son's attendance this year is around 80% but thanks to tutors and his own hard work he is getting 9s in every subject. Proof it's not physical attendance that makes the difference)

Have you actually read the thread?

I would welcome a social services referral. We have been referred to social services by my daughter’s school before for a similar reason. They just called me and I explained everything, they were lovely and it was NFA.

My daughters school is so trigger happy when it comes to social services referrals and unnecessary interventions but the children who actually need help are often overlooked. Once, when my daughter had a vomiting bug, the truancy officer visited the house to check she was okay. They explained they needed to visit as didn’t believe she was ill.

I think that putting a 10 year old child, fully toilet trained, into nappies is child abuse so absolutely stick with your gut and do not do this.