School said it might be best if DS is put back in nappies

[BlitzMelody]

Adopted DS is 4.5, we adopted him when he was 2, we started trying to potty train him just after he turned 3 before he started nursery. It went wrong, he'd scream, bite, scratch and have full on meltdowns after every accident. Tried again and he was still the same and he refused to sit on the toilet/potty at all. Nursery weren't that supportive and it was clear he was the only one in nappies.

We did have a potty in his room and the front room and we would ask him now and again if he needed to use it or if he wanted to try. That also made him distressed, the nappy was sort of like a safety net. We also got a book and read it to him, told him that he was a big boy and babies need his nappies, did he want to give them to the nappy fairy and get a toy (didn't work, he also wears nappies at night so it was confusing for him).

We tried last June and he had 10 days solid of tears, and accidents and he said he didn't want to use the potty or toilet he wanted a nappy “forever”. We phoned Eric because we were at a loss and they just advised to make sitting on the toilet fun and he'd get there.

We tried for the 4th time in August and this time took all nappies away except for nighttime and that's still where we are at now. He has accidents daily, he's quite content to just sit in it and denies he’s even wet or dirty. We try to promise of a toy and sticker charts but that doesn't work. He does wee on the toilet sometimes if we can tell he needs to go, but never a poo.

School initially would prompt him to go and try on the toilet like they did other children but he is strong willed and would refuse, he has accidents daily. I'm usually called at lunch time to change him as he's wet and then at pick up he usually needs changed again. Day outs are the same. Sometimes it feels deliberate.

Yesterday i thought a poo was coming and put him on the toilet with a bribe of a toy, he stayed there for a while because he wanted a toy. he decided nothing was coming so got off and 2 minutes later it was in his pants. This has happened on other occasions but I thought it was a coincidence

I feel like school think I'm a crap dad, DH works away during the week so it's usually just me going in. This week he is off and went today and he got distressed when DH was leaving so in the end he brought him home. The TA or whoever brought him to DH has said that maybe it's best if hes put back in nappies

He's strong willed in other ways too but this is relentless. Can the school suggest this? I thought by now he'd have got it especially being nearly 5 months into reception

Potty training doesn’t have to be tough, it should be child led and low stress, there are windows of opportunity, over a week if tears sounds appalling and really has probably contributed to this. He is in control not you, you can’t force this. And considering his background I’d allow him this control. He will let you know when he is ready, he won’t be in nappies age 12. For sure get specialist help but yikes, give the boy a break on this.

Got a 10yo who is still having wet accidents at school. Only at school. Not anywhere else. You have my sympathies OP.

Can you chat with ERIC for advice? They also offer great webinars for parents and carers (have used this service).

Maybe it’s time to apply for an ECHP. I really feel you need some specialist post adoption adoption advice.

With due respect they needed to prioritise settling lo over toilet training after the huge trauma the lo had been through of changing families, home environments and probably early years setting. Their whole life literally imploded, this would be the worse time to potty train!!!

so if anything they possibly did it quite early in their family life!

I do however agree with you on bribery not being that effective although more generally that it often just doesn’t work for children with history of early trauma.

@BlitzMelody OP standard advice is likely to not be that relevant.

please don’t blame yourselves but do get some expert post adoption support.

@CountFucula actually this will be discriminatory under the equality act so a parent could indeed launch a claim against the school about it. So id suggest it is a really bad stance and policy if the school don’t have there guidance supporting best practice like ERIC, this is why intimate care plans exist.

Whilst you’re toilet training, could you use a reusable nappy? Something akin to pants that don’t leak? That way it doesn't feel like nappies and there isnt the mess to contend (until hes changed).

It would only be discrimination if they refused to educate him, not refused to change him.

No real advice, but just to say you are not alone with this. My youngest was frequently wet at school all through reception. He would go if sent to the toilet, so we didn't have the resistance that you are experiencing, but we did have the accidents and just a complete lack of perception that he was literally at the point of bursting. It was hard for school to remember to send him and he would never say he was wet unfortunately. This was both at home and at school. He was accident free during the day by Year 2, so much later than everyone else but it did happen. He wasn't dry through the night until he was 11, we used an alarm from just before he turned 10 with the idea he wanted to be dry for the school residential, he was in pull-ups before that. Alarm only really succeeded in keeping the bed sheets dry, it went off regularly for just over a year, and then he turned 11 and he was dry, literally out of nowhere. Hope you find a path that works for you.

Hold up @Quicksilver15 I think you’re right. Because changing the nappy counts as a reasonable adjustment.
Anyway, I do have sympathy with teachers who refuse to change nappies.

I would put him in pull ups for now. And totally park toilet training for a while. Our daughter reacted really strongly against toilet training the first few times we tried. We spoke to Eric, who we didn't find especially helpful, and then the health visiting team who recommended keeping her in pull ups, but offering her the chance to go to the toilet when we were seeing signs that she might need to go. The advice was to praise the effort, with the theory being that eventually you would catch them at the right time and be able to praise them even more. This took a while. But removed the battle element for us and that's how we got there. I would definitely have a significant break from any toilet training to start with though to kind of reset.

Fellow adoptive parent here! Ask school about a care plan, he should have that in place and it doesn’t require an EHCP or a formal diagnosis.

Could it be related to a sensory need? My son struggled with similar issues in the past and messy play stuff can help fill that need. Also, ask about local child continence services. In our area the child has to be five, but your lad isn’t far off so it might be worth enquiring now.

@CountFucula And you don’t think you’d be able to make a claim against the school for negligence/abuse if they intentionally do not support the child in changing if they’d recognised they were dirty and the parent wasn’t able to attend and they did nothing? Pretty sure you’d be able to do that if you had a bad nursery stance, it is no different, unfortunately we are all different and have different struggles in life, it is no different for children.

Thanks for that. Some of us have DC with additional needs. I have one that will be 11yo this year and he's still having pee accidents during the school day (not at home though). He's awaiting assessment with neuro developmental service.

Take your judgemental comments elsewhere. My older DC (one is an adult now) never had any toileting issues. This is new territory.

Jesus @Quicksilver15 I hope no school would be cruel enough to do that.
I’m thinking more that it often makes more sense to call a parent in to change their child. Both for the sanity of the teacher and for the dignity of the child.
But no teacher or School that I have never ever known -and certainly not my own - would ever let a child sit wet and uncomfortable - most people aren’t in the business of deliberately harming children.

It sounds like he has quite a lot of trauma :( do you have any support
for this?

Very long as i asked chat gpt! Obviously double check any legal advice!

he short, clear position (England)
A mainstream primary school generally should not refuse to help a 5-year-old with toileting accidents, even if the child has no diagnosis.
Asking parents to come in, or suggesting nappies instead of support, is often not lawful and not in line with government guidance.
What the law and guidance say (plain English)

1. Children cannot be excluded from help just because they’re not diagnosed

Under the Equality Act 2010, a child:

• does not need a diagnosis to be protected
• is protected if they have any difficulty that substantially affects daily activities (toileting counts)

Even if the school claims it’s “just developmental”, they still have duties. If the school’s policy results in the child:

• being sent home,
• missing learning,
• being humiliated,
• or treated differently to peers,

that can amount to discrimination.

1. Schools have a duty of care

Schools already:

• clean up sick children,
• deal with nosebleeds,
• support children who wet themselves due to illness.

A toileting accident at age 5 falls under basic pastoral care, not “medical treatment”. Refusing help entirely can breach their safeguarding and welfare duties.

1. Government guidance is very clear

Department for Education guidance says schools should:

• have toileting and intimate care policies
• support children who are not yet fully toilet trained
• not require parents to attend unless there is a genuine medical procedure involved

Changing a soiled child is not a medical procedure.

1. Nappies do NOT remove the school’s responsibility

This is important: If the school suggests nappies but still refuses to help change him, that is not reasonable. They cannot:

• insist on nappies and
• insist parents come in every time

That effectively excludes the child from full-time education. What schools often get wrong (and rely on parents not challenging) Schools sometimes say:

• “Staff aren’t insured” → ❌ false
• “It’s a health & safety issue” → ❌ incorrect
• “We’re not allowed without a diagnosis” → ❌ wrong
• “Parents must come in” → ❌ only in very limited circumstances

Many local authorities explicitly state this in writing. What the parents can do next (step-by-step)

1. Ask for the school’s Intimate Care / Toileting Policy

Every school should have one. If they don’t — that’s already a red flag.

1. Put concerns in writing

A calm email is powerful. For example: “Our understanding is that schools have a duty to support toileting accidents in young children and that this is not dependent on a diagnosis. Please can you explain how the school is meeting its safeguarding and equality duties in this situation?” Written = accountable.

1. Request a meeting with SENCO

Even without a diagnosis, the child may qualify for SEN Support. SEN Support ≠ EHCP ≠ diagnosis required. This can include:

• agreed toileting support
• named staff
• dignity and privacy measures

1. Contact the Local Authority

Specifically:

• the Inclusion Team or SEND Team
• or the Education Welfare Officer

They can pressure the school very quickly.

1. Get external backup

Free, excellent support:

• IPSEA (Independent Provider of Special Education Advice)
• SENDIASS (local SEND advice service)
• ACE Education

They will confirm the school is likely acting unlawfully. The child’s dignity matters Beyond the legal side, there’s a safeguarding issue here:

• leaving a child in soiled clothes
• or making toileting public or shameful
• or repeatedly pulling parents into school

That can cause long-term emotional harm — and schools are expected to prevent that.

I don’t think so. This is a training situation, once the behaviour is learnt then the reward is put onto a variable schedule & then phased out. The same as training a dog.

Believe me, my DC haven’t expected smarties for going to the toilet for a very long time!! However, I do still give praise & reward when appropriate but for age appropriate achievements! And any bribery is now it’s called ‘earning screen time’ or similar.

@CountFucula but it doesn’t make sense to call the parent, what if they can’t come at the drop of a hat? Just the process of leaving them for a bit longer is both dragging it all out and normalising this problem, it’s not like we are talking about children who haven’t been potty trained because their parents neglected them and didn’t care! But even so this concept of calling a parent and waiting for them to come in for such a problem is crazy, you wouldn’t expect that with any other incident, say they grazed their knee and nobody gave them first aid, for some reason toilet accidents gain a whole other level of stigma compared to other issues and problems that arise in a school day.

I would see it as an adjustment to meet this child's needs. This is obviously a case where the parent has tried his best but there will be a reason why it's much harder for this child than the average child - so school ought to meet his needs. If school starts at 4 years old children are going to have accidents to deal with sometimes. It's not about it not being the parent's job to potty train - it's about meeting the needs of the child.

In my own son's case he was toilet trained by the time he was in school (although they start older where I am) but he still had accidents/needed reminding/was too shy to ask to go on time which is not uncommon.

Training my second child has been so much easier in comparison to my first. It's easy to judge if you have never experienced real difficulties with a child who is not able to cooperate.

If he was taken at birth, who had him for the first few years? Additional needs are common in adopted children as there is a strong chance the parents had them too.

Let it all go. Distressing him is really not worth it. Toileting is one of the last bits of control he has. Just say ok and leave it. Give the control back to him for a bit. Please, please remember that adopted children are a complete different ballgame.

He may not have a diagnosis but as an adopted child , despite being taken into care at birth, he has experienced trauma which is likely influencing this. The health visitor should be mindful of this and have given you more support with this before now. Please reach out to post adoption support for advice and health visitor again if he is still open to them.

I work with children your son’s age and he is not alone. It doesn’t sound like your school is very supportive. You sound like a lovely Dad.

I haven’t RTFT so someone else may have said this, but one thing a sleep consultant advised us about our 3.5 year olds awful bed times is they are too young for sticker charts until quite a bit older as don’t get delayed gratification. If you bribe (and I did for potty training and bedtimes and all manner of other things) the reward should be immediate. Hence chocolate buttons! Although (and I hope this horrifying story I have never told anyone may amuse) don’t make a game of putting buttons in the potty to see if your kid can pee on them….my son ate a bit of poo one day after this game thinking it was a button. DH and I swore we would never tell anyone, especially our son! Potty training is AWFUL. You sound like a great dad. Good luck.

I have no words of advice other that you are not a crap dad, crap dad's don't come on here and ask for advice. Your a dad whos is trying his very best

Definitely follow up the private play therapy. His situation is much more complicated than the average child and you need expert advice to reflect that