Is it really that bad to put my 3yo in full-time nursery so I can work on my novel?

[FoxBomber]

I’ve taken a year out of my job (corporate, very full on) to finally try and finish a novel I’ve been working on for years. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do properly, not just in scraps of time after bedtime.

DD is 3 and we’ve got a lovely local nursery that has space for her full time. She’s been going a couple of mornings a week already and adores it. They do forest school, messy play, loads of outdoor time.

But I’ve had some pushback (mostly MIL but a few others too) about whether it’s “right” to send her full time when I’m “not working.” The implication being that because I’m not being paid to write, it doesn’t count.

For me, this year is a serious commitment, not just a bit of scribbling while she naps. I’ve planned it all out and I’m treating it like a proper job. I want to give it the best shot I can.

I do feel guilty though. Like I should be making more of these early years, or that I’m being selfish. But at the same time, I know I’d be a better mum if I felt fulfilled in myself too.

Is full-time nursery unreasonable in this context? Or am I just second guessing everything because of the mum guilt?

Or the child genuinely enjoys nursery because it's a fun place to be with fun toys and activities and friends. Why on earth would that be stressful?

OP is still a person and is allowed to have wants and wishes of her own.

So, shaming a woman for furthering her career, @BizzyLizzyandLittleMo - nice.

“Why on earth would that be stressful?Because children in daycare do not have the same relationship with their caregivers and peers as they do with their parents/siblings/extended family. Research has shown that children have increased levels of cortisol - a stress hormone when at nursery. While nursery has some benefits there are also negatives, particularly when it is for long periods of time. Institutional care cannot replace good parenting.
It can enable families to survive financially and it can benefit children where parenting isn’t good but it isn’t healthy for children to spend all day everyday in childcare.
It’s not a popular opinion and I know I’ll be slated for it as it’s a difficult thing for many to hear but we’re always hearing that children’s needs should come first, however when it’s inconvenient it seems to go by the by.

I often wonder whether it is part of the reason for increased mental health and anxiety problems in children.
Yes the OP is entitled to have wants and wishes of her own but not at the expense of her child’s wellbeing which, in my opinion, putting them in nursery full time would be

Does anyone think that children in nursery have the same relationship with their caregivers than they do with their parents? Of course they don't but they can absolutely become like an extended family, especially if you don't actually have that extended family locally. My DS's old keyworker is now also our first choice babysitter.

The research largely talks about age and as far as I'm aware, from the age of 3 is when the research shows more positive rather than neutral or negative outcomes. But then the studies are incredibly mixed and some studies show positives for nursery too.

Do you have a reason to think to are a 'novelist'? Won prizes for shorter fiction? Published before? Had very strong feedback from credible creative writing courses? Lots of people think they have a book in them (turns out I had several, of varying degrees of success) but as a parent now, no way would I swap the time I spent writing those books for time I could've spent with my daughter. Everyone is different of course, but I'd spend a lot of time thinking this through. These years will never be repeated.

And one more thing, which I'm sorry is probably pretty judgy, but it's my opinion: if this book has already taken you years, do you really NEED to write it? No matter how busy a writer is, they can manage 500 words a day. No novel needs to take years even if you work full time.

Reading so much judgement from other women is really disappointing. You'd think OP had decided to abandon her child in the woods to be raised by wolves. It's nursery, probably from 9-3, doing messy crafts and forest school and loads of other things most parents don't have time for and can't be arsed with. She'll have plenty of that 'precious time that you'll never get back' during the late afternoons and evenings and at weekends.

Definitely some pluses to nursery once over the age of 3 but not so much when they’re there for extended periods. To be honest I feel a lot of it is common sense really, just think how tired we as adults are after being at work from 9 - 5 each day and then consider how it must be for little kids who are usually in nursery even longer when you factor in drop off and pick up times. They need down time with the people who love them the most. Nursery workers may feel like family but essentially it’s a job to them

Work and nursery aren't comparable. OP also never mentions that it will be 8-6, maybe it will be more like 9-3? There's also nothing stopping OP picking up her child earlier if she's done with writing earlier than she expects as well even if the hours are something like 8-6.

There's still enough time for down time with parents after nursery.

Nursery workers are all different. To some it is just a job but to others it is a passion and it is more than just a job to them.

@FoxBomber Sounds quite selfish to me tbh. Full time nursery for you to pursue a hobby is ott. A couple of hours per day should suffice.

OP mumsnet always seems horribly biased against childcare and full time working women (for some unknown reason). You’re not going to get a balanced response on here. Millions of people do what you’re doing out of necessity so what on earth makes it bad to do it partly through choice? Good for you pursuing something important to you - there is no need to martyr yourself at the altar of parenthood. Our daughter has been in full time childcare since she was 6 months. I don’t think I’ve missed out on anything and we have a wonderful bond. She loves her pre school, has thrived there and has lots of wonderful friendships as a result. If it’s important to you and she is happy and settled in the childcare setting, get on and enjoy a productive year of writing. Happy mum happy child. Wishing you well with your novel.

I think the responses here are a mix of
A) People who think she should go for it and 5 days a week is reasonable.
B) People who think childcare is child abuse.
C) Writers and people in the industry who recommend a more part time approach, as creative work of this nature is different to a corporate job.

@BizzyLizzyandLittleMo I think you have a better grasp of what a nursery day is like than many who only use the service. I’ve worked in early years and it is very tiring and noisy for children and yes, stressful. Those who did 9-3 were ready to go home so goodness knows what it’s like for those who have to do long hours every day. It’s sad to miss out on the unscheduled times with a parent - jumping in puddles, playing with leaves, being able to play with an item alone without having to share or have the game constantly taken over. There needs to be time alone as well as “ learning to socialise” which is hard work, all day long. And the noise!

Preschool hours are long enough and even then, doing it 5 days a week puts them into a “work” routine.

You've asked for opinions so here goes. No dc enjoys full time nursery. The staff will not hesitate to tell you that outside work. Your dc will tell you that, maybe not now, but later. I look back on those days and they're probably the times I bonded most. Some of the best memories. Days and days in the summer in the park with friends, out for lunch, in the garden. Dc are gone before you know it. Sometimes there's no choice. But you've got choice. I'd say that if you were male or female. I think you're mad. You can write part-time.

Mine go to nursery full time and still jump in puddles, play with leaves etc with us because time after nursery exists and so do mornings, weekends, annual leave and holidays.

They aren't only children so sharing/taking turns still happens at home too.

I’d choose writing a book any day.

I would have too at the time. I'm glad I didn't now though.

I personally wouldn’t - why didn’t you take the year out when your child was at school? And to be harsh - this isn’t your job, this is your hobby. Why can’t you write for 3 days a week?

DS was in nursery 3 days per week and then a day each week its grandparents. We HAD to do this to work and afford life!

Amazing how many posters on this thread think writing is a 'hobby'. It's work. Not many people these days think it's wrong for people to put a child into nursery so they can work. If OP was an entrepreneur seeking to develop a new business that required a great deal of concentration and undisturbed time, I assume people wouldn't think her wrong to put her child in nursery so she could focus on that work.

The child sounds as if she's happy and settled in nursery, as most children of working mothers are if the nursery is any good. I doubt whether she'll grow up damaged in some way by the experience, any more than the other children of working mothers in the same nursery.

Even published writers are typically earning only £7,000 a year. (That is significantly less than full-time nursery fees.)

A first novel from an author who has no previous writing experience is not going to be easy to sell. The overwhelming likelihood is that she will submit to literary agents who are unlikely to reply. Even if she ended up getting an agent, relatively few agented manuscripts end up being bought by publishers.

On the level of economics, it's not really a great proposition - especially given that waiting another year means that it'd be more possible to write without having to deal with increased nursery payments.

The sensible thing would be to use this year to do something like an online writing course, in order to build up skills. To try submitting shorter pieces of fictions to competitions or online magazines to see if anything gets accepted.

Do what’s right for you, your work and your life.

Our DD went to nursery from 7 months, from 12 months was full time 8am to 6pm. We picked up early where we could.

Do what's right for you and your family and don't worry about anyone else's opinion. She will be fine in nursery and having lots of fun and will be ready for school once it comes. You will also be happier and will be more present with her in your time together because of this.

This is true but irrelevant. You have no idea at all how much writing experience OP has, or how much she's submitted.

These days agents and publishers are less essential than they used to be. I have a friend who has been a writer for the almost thirty years I've known her. She used to publish through Berkeley (US imprint related to Penguin). She eventually got pissed off with them and went indie, and makes a healthy living publishing through Amazon. She writes kickass urban fantasy of the type I don't actually like but apparently quite a lot of people do.

JK Rowling was unemployed (so time to write) had no previous history of publication when Harry Potter came out. She was turned down by a lot of people and picked up by Bloomsbury because an editor took the first three chapters of the ms home from the slush pile to read and his daughter picked it up and said she really wanted to read the rest. Yes, that's very rare but it happens, though not usually on that scale.

OP is not harming her daughter in any way with her proposed course of action and I for one see no reason why she shouldn't do it.

No one needs to do a writing course, and whether or not they do one is going to make absolutely no difference to getting an agent or a publishing deal. Yes, the odds are against it, but that’s how I published my first novel (though it was the third one I wrote).

No courses. I just wrote a novel, sent it to agents, got a couple of offers, went with one. First novel didn’t sell, second had a couple of near misses, third one sold. No, my books don’t pay enough to live on, but they do for very few people — I teach in a university literature and writing department.

The OP says nowhere that she expects T’s to live in her earnings from writing. She just wants to write a novel.

You know that’s true, I know that’s true but those who have no experience of being inside a nursery will insist their child is “ having fun” all day long, 10 hours a day, 5 days a week as is the case with one pp. 10 hours a day!! We also know how tiring, noisy and stressful and structured it is. Fun yes, but not when it’s such a long day.

I had to work full time as a working parent initially and there certainly wasn’t time or energy for spontaneous fun after picking my child up - it was a case of tea, bath, bed, preparing for the next day and that spilled into part of the weekend too. Fortunately I changed things so they didn’t have that life any longer but I know that’s not an option for everyone.

The OP has certainly given cause for plenty of discussion!