Is it really that bad to put my 3yo in full-time nursery so I can work on my novel?

[FoxBomber]

I’ve taken a year out of my job (corporate, very full on) to finally try and finish a novel I’ve been working on for years. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do properly, not just in scraps of time after bedtime.

DD is 3 and we’ve got a lovely local nursery that has space for her full time. She’s been going a couple of mornings a week already and adores it. They do forest school, messy play, loads of outdoor time.

But I’ve had some pushback (mostly MIL but a few others too) about whether it’s “right” to send her full time when I’m “not working.” The implication being that because I’m not being paid to write, it doesn’t count.

For me, this year is a serious commitment, not just a bit of scribbling while she naps. I’ve planned it all out and I’m treating it like a proper job. I want to give it the best shot I can.

I do feel guilty though. Like I should be making more of these early years, or that I’m being selfish. But at the same time, I know I’d be a better mum if I felt fulfilled in myself too.

Is full-time nursery unreasonable in this context? Or am I just second guessing everything because of the mum guilt?

Writing is work, and it needs time to concentrate on it undisturbed. Your daughter loves nursery. I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to want to send her four days a week while you use it for your passion project. I would keep her at home for one day a week though, because as previous posters have said that time goes by so fast when they are that age.

I like to approach these decisions by asking what's the best outcome for my family (short term and long term). Then you can balance e.g. benefits of children being raised by people who love them and give them attention, benefits of children having happy and healthy parents, and resources and what they can provide for the family.

why do you need to be doing it full time if you’ve got a full year you could use one of the days to have extra time with your child before she goes to school?

It’ll do her the world of good. Socialising, learning, being in a structured environment. Go for it!

I’m a professional writer and wrote my first novel after mat leave while my DD was in nursery 3 days a week. (I had a contract then) So it is possible … if you set yourself a target word count of 2k words a day that’s 6k a week, within 12 weeks you’d have a first draft, then another say 8 weeks to revise. I found I got ideas on my off days too. Good luck!

Neither a female writer. That's their job. But OP is giving it a whirl, it's not her job, she has no record of success. So, yes I think 5 days would be a bit much, male or female. 3 is great and like a PP suggested, DH does 95% of care at weekends so OP can also work then.

Why have kids and put them in nursery full time if you don’t have to. I completely understand people doing it when they have no choice in order to keep a roof over their heads and feed their family but you obviously don’t have a deadline for writing the book other than a self imposed one. I don’t understand why it can’t wait for another year or so when your child will be in school. The time before this is so precious, so much to teach and enjoy with them. Pre school for a few hours is great so they can enjoy the company of other kids and learn to socialise etc but ultimately no one’s going to care for or about your child as much as their parents no matter how good a nursery is.

@BizzyLizzyandLittleModo you mean that all parents should only work to cover accommodation and food? And all other time should be spent teaching and enjoying their children? Or only Mums? What about all other expenses? Any non essentials allowed?!

Totally depends on the child I think. My DD loved it so much she wanted to be there as much as possible. I think yes, as you will still be working and need to focus, but if your child isn't so keen on full-time you could do a few days maybe.

I agree.

yep

I think it’s quite clear what I meant when I said “have no choice” and yes I do believe that sacrifices sometimes need to be made - spending time with your children is more important than having lots of material things/expensive holidays etc- they’re not the things kids will remember and make them feel secure but time with their parents will. When people do have the luxury of choice then, personally, I feel the child is better, for the majority of time, with their parent/s (at no time did I suggest this should be only mums).

How do you know you can write a novel?

It is quite a difficult thing to do well, even if you are self-disciplined enough to write so many thousand words a week.

Have you ever written fiction before? Had anything published? Have you ever worked in a related field - eg journalism/copywriting? And are you a keen reader who has strong sense of the literary marketplace?

How much do you already know about characterisation, plotting, your chosen genre, dialogue, interior monologue, creating dramatic tension?

I'd say that if the answers to the first set of questions are mostly 'no', and the answer to the question is 'not much', I reckon you are jumping the gun.

I've worked with a lot of writers and they often produce unsaleable work. They might have good ideas, but if the plot meanders all over the place, and the dialogue is clunky, they can spend hours and weeks and months - essentially wasting their time. Literary agents are deluged with manuscripts, and are often looking for very particular stuff. (People with an interesting life story and lots of followers on social media. Someone who is from a minority ethnic group or who calls themself queer.)

If you're comfortably off, you might want to think about creative writing courses This could be short residential stuff, eg the Arvon Foundation. You could do an MA. You could enquire about getting mentoring via a consultancy.

So I think your original enquiry - shall I put my child in childcare - is almost irrelevant. It's these other questions you should be trying to answer.

As a child who grew up like that, I certainly remember how miserable it felt when friends were going on holidays, doing activities etc and I knew my family would never be able to afford it.

There's nothing wrong at all with wanting more than just the very basics in life.

It is also women who are largely expected to make these ''sacrifices''.

My DH wrote a book while DC was in full time nursery. It didn’t occur to either of us that he should not do so.

You will miss out on so much if you do this. Surely 3 full days of nursery will force you to use the time well, leaving lovely time to be with your daughter before she starts school and you never have that time again.

I said expensive holidays not none at all - when I was little my parents couldn’t afford expensive trips and neither could I with my own child when they were preschool because I worked the minimum amount of hours to ensure I could spend as much time with them as possible. We camped or did reasonably priced air bnb type holidays. It’s not forever, just those early formative years, once at school there’s the opportunity to work more when the child won’t be so impacted but while they’re so tiny why not spend the time with them that you’ll never get back

Taking years out of my career isn't possible without accepting that I wouldn't get back to where I am, not to mention having to step down from my senior role as it is full time only which would mean no more flexibility and would impact the time I can spend with my DC and do the career I love and why can't I do both?

and again, despite you claiming it goes for both parents, it is only women who are expected to sacrifice their careers. Did you ask your partner why he didn't want to spend time with your child because he'll never get it back?

I haven’t read the full thread but is there anyway you could keep to the same schedule so one day with grandma, one day with you and 3 days at nursery? You still get a day of quality time with her outside of the weekend, maintains a day with grandma which she will be going back to after your sabbatical, and 3 days at the lovely nursery with enriching activities.

Well that’s your situation and it sounds like you’ve made your choice. I wasn’t as career driven, had reached where I wanted to be in my job, so made the decision to reduce my hours and enjoy my child while I had the chance. I do count myself lucky to have been in the position to do it although it did come with some degree of financial sacrifice.

The Op does have a choice and asked what she should do to which I responded that, in my opinion, it would be best to spend time with her child and write the book (as there doesn’t appear to be a deadline) once the child is in school.

The partner issue didn’t apply in my case so I can’t comment but I definitely think partners should be encouraged to do the same, not just mums - up to individual couples to discuss it between themselves.

OP only has a choice because she's taken a year out from her career, not to completely focus on her child but to work on her novel. Her child was already in nursery for 4 days a week anyway and enjoys it so 1 day more isn't going to cause any harm or prevent OP from still having plenty of time to enjoy her child.

And if she can take a year out from her career to spend it writing a novel, in my opinion, she has her priorities wrong and her time would be better spent with her child rather than placing them in childcare for an extra day. Although nursery can have its benefits long hours in large groups with multiple care givers who will never care for them in the same way as their family do can be stressful for children. You can argue that the child enjoys it but essentially that’s all they know so they learn to get on with it just as the child left to cry will eventually learn that there is no point crying as no one comes

Why shouldn’t @FoxBomber prioritise her hopes and dreams alongside raising her child, @BizzyLizzyandLittleMo? Why is it selfish of her to want to do something that could transform her life and her child’s life?

I would do 3 full days in nursery - it’s amazing what you’ll be able to get done in peace and then a couple of days when it’s just you and her. You’ll still have evenings to do little bits.
Ive always wanted to write a book! Very impressive OP

Because she decided to have a child which comes with some degree of self sacrifice in order to give them the best start in life . Also she can do it once the child is a little older and in school full time. The child will be more impacted negatively, in my opinion, by being in nursery full time with numerous care givers rather than with parents who love and care deeply for her. So if she has the opportunity to take some time off from work then why not spend it with the child she decided to have rather than palm them off to people who are only there to do a job