Is it really that bad to put my 3yo in full-time nursery so I can work on my novel?

[FoxBomber]

I’ve taken a year out of my job (corporate, very full on) to finally try and finish a novel I’ve been working on for years. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do properly, not just in scraps of time after bedtime.

DD is 3 and we’ve got a lovely local nursery that has space for her full time. She’s been going a couple of mornings a week already and adores it. They do forest school, messy play, loads of outdoor time.

But I’ve had some pushback (mostly MIL but a few others too) about whether it’s “right” to send her full time when I’m “not working.” The implication being that because I’m not being paid to write, it doesn’t count.

For me, this year is a serious commitment, not just a bit of scribbling while she naps. I’ve planned it all out and I’m treating it like a proper job. I want to give it the best shot I can.

I do feel guilty though. Like I should be making more of these early years, or that I’m being selfish. But at the same time, I know I’d be a better mum if I felt fulfilled in myself too.

Is full-time nursery unreasonable in this context? Or am I just second guessing everything because of the mum guilt?

Having written both a degree and PhD thesis, you’d need quality thinking time which can’t be done with a child in the house and you in full care mode, it’s best to treat it like a job, start times, end times and breaks. However, she’s only 3 once, and children at school age get knackered with a full day at school so full time in nursery is tiring for them too, plus you’ll never get these years back again, I was just saying to my DD16 when we saw a toddler yesterday that it was only 5 minutes ago she was that small 🥰
its got sod all to do with MIL, unless she’s bank rolling you, it’s about you and your child and how you split up the time you have for your passion project and time you have with your child, no one but you can decide what that looks like.
good luck!

No judgement - you know what’s best for you and your child. But one thing occurred to me - if you’re going to take the year, surely the year she’s at school full time is the perfect time to do it? You can get her settled in school, be around to pick up - but still get a really good chunk of writing time each day?

If someone posted on here that their husband had taken a year out of their cooperate full-time job to write a novel and, to facilitate this, wanted their child in full-time childcare the screams of 'cocklodger' and 'leave the bastard' would be deafening.

You are living in la la land of you think this would be better received if the OP was male.

Don't be silly. The man would not be on here asking if it was ok.

and OP who would likely be a woman would be asked if she could go part time and probably be judged more than the man if she was working full time.

No, he wouldn't.

But when his wife asked she would be told that no, it's isn't ok for him to do that and that she should leave him.

But the OP’s partner isn’t the one asking. He’s agreed they can afford it. The OO hasn’t quit for corporate job, she’s taking a year’s sabbatical.

Well, no. Because a corporate office job (or indeed any paid employment) brings in money to support the household. Statistically OP is never going to have her book published, and even if she does (which is very unlikely) she will almost certainly not be able to make a living from it.

I understand all of that. I was simply responding to the poster who claimed that a man would not be criticised for doing this.

He would. Particularly on Mumsnet.

I don't see what the issue is. She's 3. If you were still working in your corporate job no one would say anything.

When you say full time nursery do you mean 9-3 Monday to Friday or 8-6 Monday to Friday? I'd think about how much time you actually need to write but ultimately it's up to you. I'd consider 9-3 four days a week or five mornings instead but if you need five full days to write then you need five full days to write.

You are looking at this wrongly, @FoxBomber - if you look at your writing as a job, you can’t criticise yourself for using childcare so you can do that job!

I wish you well with your book - I love reading and wish I could write, but I learned at school that I have little or no talent for imaginative or creative writing.

Drop her at 9 when the rush is over and pick her up at 3.

that gives you 6 solid hours to write in

but assuming she wakes at about 6.30, you will have 2.5 hrs with her in the morning, and 4 hours with her in the evening before bed. 6.5 hours of interaction per day.

It’s your choice. Obviously a 3 year old in full time nursery is “acceptable” - it’s up to you how you feel about your decisions here, strangers on the internet can’t answer for you.

If your child was an introvert who struggled with nursery, my answer would be geared towards finding a compromise.

But this works for her. Writers need to write, you do need to focus on this if that's what you want to do. If you missed her and didn't feel it was what you wanted then I'd reconsider.

But there is no reason why you shouldn't arrange suitable childcare while you pursue a creative enterprise. It sounds like you need to.

I'm happy to read for you if that's helpful at any stage.

Completely agree with this. My novel and my business were both pipe dreams before I had kids. I only made progress on them during and after maternity leave and realised how limited my time was, it made doom scrolling or you tubing feel like a massive waste of time.

I agree with most pp that fewer days would be better, don't forget your mum can still take your child out too.

Even the most productive writers only write for a few hours a day max. Brandon Sanderson is one of my favorites and possibly one of the most prolific, writes several books a year and only writes 4 hours per day, about 2k words. That's 500k words a year even if he's only working on weekdays.

Do you think you would be more focussed if your writing time was scheduled in a narrower window?

How much progress have you actually made?

You could try it out full time and see how it goes - if it doesn't suit her you could just send her mornings or whatever.
I probably wouldn't have gone for full time but I get the need to try to realise your dream. Most writers don't spend a full day writing though, so even if she only did part days or fewer days you can still finish the novel.

Hi OP, im writing a novel too. I work full time and am a lone parent. I'm taking it very seriously and the first few chapters are forming my dissertation for my part time MA in creative writing. I think it's a brilliant goal, so when I say I'd recommend 5 half days rather than 5 full days so you can have the balance of quality time and working on your novel it isn't coming from a place of judging.

Because with writing, a few solid hours with a little and often appreciated can be much better and more beneficial than trying to work flat out all the time. But that's just me. I get writers block after 2 hours

Approach not appreciated

My daughter went to preschool at 3 for 4 days a week when I was pregnant, I wasn’t working, I think writing a novel IS working just like looking after children is work. As long as your child is happy to go more then I do not see a problem

You said she's currently in for 4 days a week and with your mum for 1. Is you mum still willing to do the day? What if you cut her nursery hours down to 3 days, she goes to your mum 1 day and you have 1 day with her? Then you'd be mostly working on the book but also gaining a bit of mummy daughter time. Plus having to have one day completely away from the novel might actually help with the creative process. Win win?

My kids went to nursery 4 days a week because I am the sole parent. So I am pro nursery for working parents, but if I could have flexed things to have more child time I’d have jumped at it. I get treating writing as a job. So if you are looking at 7 hours a day x 5 days, could you do 3 weekdays x 9 hours? You could be writing by 8 and power thru til 5.30 as presumably you’ll be doing it at home /close by? Then on the other two week days do an hour or so v early before she’s up and a few hours each eevening or at the weekend? That way it’s still a disciplined writing schedule, but you get lots of fun mummy time too. You also save two days nursery fees which is sunbstantial. Good luck with the novel

Whereas I bolt my ass to the chair to the point where I realise I’ve been dying for the loo for several hours.

Not a reason not to do it. Statistically, she will certainly never get her novel published if she doesn’t write it.

And very few writers, even the most august ones, ‘make a living from’ literary fiction in the sense of living on the same of their books. If the OP gets a multi-book publishing deal, she may return to her corporate job PT and write the rest of the time. The serious writers I know either teach writing in some form, or do something entirely unrelated. I know a crime writer who is a solicitor, a poet who works as a postman, a novelist who grows vegetables for high-end restaurants, and several who boost their earnings via journalism.

I think you might be better with full days than short ones as otherwise you will be watching the clock all day so you don't miss pick-up and not fully in the zone - but I agree 3 days and a weekend day when your DH does the childcare sounds better than 5. This is a good opportunity to get some full days of slog down before the shorter school day hits in a year or so and ruins your afternoons for work!