Is it really that bad to put my 3yo in full-time nursery so I can work on my novel?

[FoxBomber]

I’ve taken a year out of my job (corporate, very full on) to finally try and finish a novel I’ve been working on for years. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do properly, not just in scraps of time after bedtime.

DD is 3 and we’ve got a lovely local nursery that has space for her full time. She’s been going a couple of mornings a week already and adores it. They do forest school, messy play, loads of outdoor time.

But I’ve had some pushback (mostly MIL but a few others too) about whether it’s “right” to send her full time when I’m “not working.” The implication being that because I’m not being paid to write, it doesn’t count.

For me, this year is a serious commitment, not just a bit of scribbling while she naps. I’ve planned it all out and I’m treating it like a proper job. I want to give it the best shot I can.

I do feel guilty though. Like I should be making more of these early years, or that I’m being selfish. But at the same time, I know I’d be a better mum if I felt fulfilled in myself too.

Is full-time nursery unreasonable in this context? Or am I just second guessing everything because of the mum guilt?

Kids that are treated like inconveniences don’t generally have the best mental health when they reach their adult years.

Worth thinking about maybe.

Writing is a job. It’s a good job and your child will be proud of you for it when they are older. She loves nursery. You owe it to yourself to take your calling seriously. Honestly she won’t even remember she was in nursery full time when she grows up. Make the most of the weekends. Hope you have every success!

If you were a man no one would think twice about this.

If your MIL thinks DD shouldn't go to nursery, would she like to volunteer her own time rather than yours ?

When my son was three I put him in school (in our country school starts then). I didn't have to as I had other childcare sorted but I figured the socialization would do him good.

No one can tell you what to do, OP. We can only say what we would or wouldn’t do. I put my DC into nursery 2 days a week so that I could pursue some interests of mine. I’ll increase this to 3 soon. I would never do 5 days as I think that’s excessive and I don’t think it would be beneficial for DC. Giving my DC the best quality of life far outweighs any interests I have, even if they are job related.

I cannot write straight for a whole day anyway. Need a block of about three/four hours. A lot of people find the same. I have a two year old and no childcare atm, writing my book is HARD. So don't be me. But I wouldn't do full-time nursery to do it, taking a kid to the park/ store/ playing outside is a great corrective to the time you spend in your head working and if you're anything like me your brain will keep working on it while you're away from the page and that time is important. I disagree with this ---

You're treating your writing as a job of work, applying the professionsl working habits you're used to in your corporate life, including formal arrangements for childcare. It augers well for a successful writing project.

It IS work and it IS important to take it seriously, but it's a mistake imo to assume that the habits that work for/ are imposed by corporate work will translate just as well to creative work. It needs different habits in my opinion.

I successfully wrote a PhD (full time course, funded) with 2-3 days a week of childcare.

I look back with joy at the time I spent with my kids when they were younger (now they are nearly teens). It's up to you but you don't get the time back either way.

All children are an ‘inconvenience’ when it comes to trying to combine caring for them with work that requires application and concentration (ie. pretty much any work).

I agree.
Do you think your book will be successful enough to justify the cost of full time nursery plus the time away from your daughter?

What a weird post. She wants to write it. What happens to it after she’s written and rewritten it and made it as good as it can be is largely out of her hands, unless she decides to self-publish. She can’t write on the supposition of finding an agent and a publisher, far less that the published novel will earn back its advance.

Given that out of the 180k-200k books that are published yearly in the UK only 1% make the bestseller lists, I don't know if it's worth going all in on full-time childcare. I say this as someone who has had several novels published, including one I wrote when my DS was a pre-schooler. The publishing landscape is SO tough right now. Sales are falling across the board and loads of authors who are six, seven, even ten books in aren't getting re-signed by their publishers. Others are waiting months for responses after going out on sub. I'm not saying you won't get published, but it's going to be far harder than it would've been just a few years ago.

So, I would compromise and put her in nursery for three full days or five half days. The thing about creative writing is that you need breaks to reboot your imagination when you've hit a wall – having that time to go to park/zoo/cinema etc with your DD will really help with that. Also, go along to in-person events and festivals to build contacts in the industry so that when the book is finished, you have a good understanding of which agents/publishers are looking for stories like the one you've written.

Best of luck with it.

What do you mean by full time? Do you mean 9-3 the hours school nursery does or 7-6 provided by private nurseries because there's a big difference . At age 3 my kids had a half session at school nursery so 9-12 as that seemed more than enough at 3 then had time for family life as well.

Cost presumably doesn’t matter for a corporate earning mum? Full time seems Ott to me! Part time is good prep for school.

I’d have probs just taken my year out in a year or so once she’s in school, or do 4 days a week. I don’t know, doing it full time wouldn’t be for me, and I think there’s a compromise to be had where you still get loads more writing time but also get some precious time with dd before she starts full time school since you’re in the fortunate position to not have to work full time for finances. That said it’s nothing to do with me or pp or mil or anyone else really except you, dd and dh.

Your child. Your life. Crack on.

As someone whose mother did exactly this… go for it!

if DD was unhappy with nursery, that might be different. But she’s happy and settled. You’ll have the flexibility to reduce her hours if she becomes unhappy. Writing in bits and pieces and snatches of time is not at all the same. You need big blocks of time to do it properly if you really want to make a go of it.

I think it's the way you've written the title that's getting you these answers. You're not putting your 3 yr old in full time nursery so that you can work on your novel, she's already in nursery full time, you're just wondering about using your 'work time' for alternative work (which may well pay less or not at all). I think if you'd said-'my husband has agreed to support me for a year to work on my novel, (which will hopefully benefit the family financially) am I unreasonable to want to spend the year with my daughter instead, she's only little once.' Then people would have been quick to pile on and say you should absolutely do the work that was agreed!

So if her aim is to write a book but not to get it published or make money she would do it over the next 5 years or so.

Go go go girl, its everythng you have that opportunity x

I’m not sure where those people who think you shouldn’t put your daughter in nursery expect you to write? You’d just end up being a stay at home mum then- which wasn’t the point of this. I don’t think people would be guilt tripping a bloke like they would a mum.

Ive written 8 books . Self published . Mix of novels and non-fiction. I wrote my first whilst doing a masters and juggling being a single mum. It was bloody hard! People think you are sitting around doing very little. But that isn’t true.

OP, my advice would 100% do it. Make it clear to your partner too that this is work and you aren’t a “stay at home mum”. Have set hours and expect other to not bother you during them. Obviously things come up like your daughter being unwell etc, but that’s just being a parent. Don’t let your partner drag you into the “ well your home so you should do dinner ect.” Really hammer out its a job.

An alternative could be half days . I’m a morning person so would send my child for a morning and then pick them up in the afternoon if it was me, but you might be different. Maybe add in one full day incase you need extra time. I am someone who works best under pressure so half days would kick me in touch. I’ve written some of my best essays in bits and pieces between my daughter getting ready for school. When I’ve had whole days, unless for research, I do tend to fanny about a bit.

I know there is a bit of snobbery about self publishing, but authors in that area don’t seem to be struggling selling their books- like Mark Dawson.

It’s hard work in that you have to learn marketing to make money, and be willing to “write to market”. But for those willing to do the above, there are some very successful self published authors.

Published author of 3 novels here, written in short bursts around full time work and school age chikdren x 3. I found short bursts worked for me. If you don't want to miss out on this precious time with love, don't, just try tge short bursts thing. Good that she lives tbe nursery though so why not pt nursery.
Be prepared for lots of rejections when looking for an agent btw, wonderful when you get a 'bite' though. Good luck!

Yet another published author here (first two novels with a 'big five' publisher and now a three-book deal with a different one). I wrote four novels alongside full-time freelance work, albeit without a young child in the mix. The one being published next was drafted in five weeks, although it's needed a lot of work since.

I agree with the PPs who say you don't need to write full-time. Mornings might be enough for the actual writing and then your mind can go to work on plot puzzles, etc., while you're doing other things.

It's taken many years, but I'm in the fortunate position of no longer having to do freelance work, so I only take on what I enjoy. Be aware that if you get a book deal further down the line, you might not be paid much, but you'll be expected to do heavy-duty rounds of editing to tight deadlines. It'll be hard to manage that with a corporate job and a young family.

Good luck, OP. Whatever you decide about nursery, I hope you enjoy being a writer.

One positive is it might show your DD what ambition looks like and what following your dreams can achieve.

No it’s fine. Don’t tell people what you’re doing if your don’t want judgement. A bloke wouldn’t think twice.

Maybe part time nursery - not a published author just a mum of a 13 year old and 10 year old and my heart aches at how time flew and my god how precious that time was when they were tiny. Irreplaceable.