Is it really that bad to put my 3yo in full-time nursery so I can work on my novel?

[FoxBomber]

I’ve taken a year out of my job (corporate, very full on) to finally try and finish a novel I’ve been working on for years. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do properly, not just in scraps of time after bedtime.

DD is 3 and we’ve got a lovely local nursery that has space for her full time. She’s been going a couple of mornings a week already and adores it. They do forest school, messy play, loads of outdoor time.

But I’ve had some pushback (mostly MIL but a few others too) about whether it’s “right” to send her full time when I’m “not working.” The implication being that because I’m not being paid to write, it doesn’t count.

For me, this year is a serious commitment, not just a bit of scribbling while she naps. I’ve planned it all out and I’m treating it like a proper job. I want to give it the best shot I can.

I do feel guilty though. Like I should be making more of these early years, or that I’m being selfish. But at the same time, I know I’d be a better mum if I felt fulfilled in myself too.

Is full-time nursery unreasonable in this context? Or am I just second guessing everything because of the mum guilt?

Honestly I think there's a huge difference between 'scraps of time after naptime' and full-time nursery. Could you go for a compromise instead, say 4 days a week so that she can enjoy some downtime with you?

Does your partner support you?
It wouldn’t be something I’d have done for such a young child but you’re not me.
Was dd in nursery full time when you were doing your corporate job?

That's fine, crack on with it.

You have a passion project that requires time and commitment and dd has a lovely nursery to care for her while you work - and not all work is paid. Honestly people will judge you harshly for parenting however you do it. You may as well suit yourself and your dd as you feel best.

Your dd will be safe and well cared for. Stop listening to the Guilt Brigade.

Hope the writing goes well!

You say writing is something you've always wanted to do - which is fair enough but I assume having a child was up there with the wants too?

I don't think it's fair for her to go full time for you to pursue a hobby. I went back to work 4 days a week when ds was 9 months out of necessity so I'm definitely not against nursery time (he did 2 days) but I think you're taking the piss really.

If you can afford it and are serious about writing, why not?

Op people will judge you whatever you do so do what you are comfortable with.
The fact you are asking though looks like you are not entirely sure it is the correct decision either

People will react out of jealousy and sexist judgment but it's absolutely fine for you to do this if you can afford it and you're happy with the nursery setting.

What was your childcare situation when you were working in the corporate job?

Just to clarify a few things. Yes, when I was in my corporate job, DD was in nursery four days a week and with my mum on Fridays. She’s always been in some form of childcare and she absolutely loves nursery. The staff are brilliant, she has her little group of friends, and she comes home full of stories and paint in her hair. I’m not worried about the care side of things at all.

My partner is supportive in the sense that he knows how important this is to me and he agreed we could afford for me to take the year out. But I think now that we’re actually looking at the logistics, he’s a bit more cautious about the full-time nursery side. He hasn’t said no, just raised an eyebrow when I mentioned it.

I know writing a novel isn’t the same as working for a salary but it doesn’t feel like a hobby to me. I’ve mapped out a full manuscript, I’ve given myself goals and deadlines, and I’m treating it as professionally as I can. But I also get that from the outside it probably just looks like I’m having a nice break while someone else looks after my child.

I don’t want to miss out on this time with her either. She’s only little once and I know I’ll never get these years back. Maybe I did rush into the idea of full time. I could start with three or four days and see how that works. I just know that if I try to squeeze writing in around her naps and CBeebies, it’ll never happen properly.

This. Full time nursery for a three year old isn’t something I would do unless essential to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. Mine did three days a week which was fine but any more and I wouldn’t have had nearly enough time with them. Writing a novel is a great thing to pursue but let’s be honest, it doesn’t require your child to be in nursery full time. This is a choice you’re making and that’s up to you but it might be an interesting one to explain to your child a few years down the line.

Go for it. It is work. Just not work that you have been remunerated for yet!

Full time, not a chance I’d do that unless I financially had no choice. There is a big difference between squeezing it in between naps and cbebbies and full time! Why not try 3 days, then on the other 2 days you can still have some time during naps if needed. Personally I wouldn’t want to miss out on that much time with my child

I’d probably do a mixture and put her in three days. If that’s not enough, then four. That way there’s a mix of time to do your writing work and spend quality time with your child. I wouldn’t do five days, even if I had when working ‘corporately’. Why not make the most of your flexibility just now while your DD is young..

OP you’re unlikely to hear about it if people do judge you. So don’t even think about the judgement, it’s irrelevant.

A small proportion of people may judge, an even smaller proportion will be open about it, and even smaller proportion again will be open about it to your face. So don’t worry about what other people are thinking, and do what feels best.

For us, in similar circumstances, we went for 3 days nursery. 2 days home with me. 2 weekend days as a family. That feels good and satisfying. 3 is a good age for nursery.

I am self employed and work when both of my kids nap, sometimes before they get up, sometimes after bedtime and usually all weekend. I’ll also work at teatime and until bath time sometimes if my husband is home to take over childcare.

I’ve never put either child into nursery, but I did start them at preschool at 3. But not full time.

sometimes, I’ll work after preschool too, when they’re watching tv for an hour, if I need to.

Would I put my 3yo in full time - in your shoes? I don’t think so. Especially if there’s no deadline to work towards. I’d have waited a year or two for them to start school full time instead.

I would do it. So many men I know take massive chunks out of their kids lives to pursue career, education and hobbies. No eyebrows raised. Not sure why it’s expected and expected that the only way to be a good mother is at the total expense of everything and anything else. Motherhood does not have to be a zero sum game.

You took a year out to write the novel, so write the novel. And writing a novel is work, it’s not a hobby - you wouldn’t take a year off work for a meaningless hobby, this was a serious ambition and commitment. If the year ends and the novel isn’t complete it will have been a waste on so many fronts so focus and give it the best chance to work. Your DD sounds happy and well adjusted at the nursery and is hardly an infant anymore, and you’re fortunate to have great childcare and your finances in order. Go for it and good luck with the novel!

@FoxBomber Can’t she do, say, one full day and four mornings, or something similar.
I appreciate you want to write and that that needs commitment. But so does your dd.
They’re only little once, then they’re big…..

In view of your update, have you ever written FT over an extended period? I’m a novelist (who wrote my first novel on maternity leave), though, like most, I have a day job teaching in a university CW department — and I am actually more productive with some constraints on my time. It makes me more focused and professional in my lractice. I would say the same is true of many writers I know. Having children made us more productive, as you’re up against childcare constraints.

If you have some flexibility (ie if you can start her at 3 or 3.5 days with the option to do more if needed), I’d start there and see how it goes. But be brutal on writing days. No coffee breaks, no laundry, no friends calling, no going for a run.

Do you have a good reader, someone who reads widely in your genre and who is prepared to be brutally honest?

As a part-time writer who is frequently frustrated by interruptions, I think you are absolutely ok to do this. I would probably go for 3 or 4 days rather than 5 though. Half days would be ideal - if she could go there until after her nap you could write all morning then have her for the afternoon - but I don’t imagine many nurseries would do that.

Being full time in nursery at 3 is fine for whatever reason IMO.

She's 3, so I think it's OK, but maybe 3 full days a week. If any younger I wouldn't agree if was a great idea

Mine was in full time nursery at 3yo. But if I had the chance (money) to go back and do that differently, I absolutely would.

Something like 3.5 days would have been ideal.

Not bad at all.
You need time to work.
Your child will have a fun time at nursery, and be learning loads too.

So it's a win-win for both of you.

Good luck with the book!

It doesn’t matter what other people think, it’s what’s right for your family, but I would agree that the fact you’re asking means it’s not sitting quite right with you. I’m an author and I also work part-time (my DC are older and at school now). I’d say that you can easily get that novel written without needing the five full days. So perhaps start with less and see how it works for you. Your DD is three, not a little baby, and will enjoy her time socialising and learning new skills before she starts school. And you'll enjoy having that time to focus on your dream project. Don’t feel guilty about pursuing your passion but maybe a middle ground is a better starting point if you’re unsure. Good luck!

I wouldn’t think twice about it, OP! Do it!

My kids are grown up now, but when they were nursery age and were in full time childcare, I had got friendly with another Mum who was doing exactly what you’re doing. She is a prolific (published) novelist now (almost 20 years later) and has had two of her novels turned into TV series.

You're not going to be pissing about getting your nails done, are you? You’re writing.

Fuck Mum guilt. No man would think twice about doing this,