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Original poster

Is it really that bad to put my 3yo in full-time nursery so I can work on my novel?

189 replies

FoxBomber · 02/08/2025 12:46

I’ve taken a year out of my job (corporate, very full on) to finally try and finish a novel I’ve been working on for years. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do properly, not just in scraps of time after bedtime.

DD is 3 and we’ve got a lovely local nursery that has space for her full time. She’s been going a couple of mornings a week already and adores it. They do forest school, messy play, loads of outdoor time.

But I’ve had some pushback (mostly MIL but a few others too) about whether it’s “right” to send her full time when I’m “not working.” The implication being that because I’m not being paid to write, it doesn’t count.

For me, this year is a serious commitment, not just a bit of scribbling while she naps. I’ve planned it all out and I’m treating it like a proper job. I want to give it the best shot I can.

I do feel guilty though. Like I should be making more of these early years, or that I’m being selfish. But at the same time, I know I’d be a better mum if I felt fulfilled in myself too.

Is full-time nursery unreasonable in this context? Or am I just second guessing everything because of the mum guilt?

OP posts:
Bunnycat101 · 02/08/2025 18:14

My children were in nursery while I worked and even if I was a sahm, I’d have wanted some nursery sessions as I do think nursery benefits that age group a lot. But.. I’d really struggle with your suggestion. 5 days a week is a lot when you could arrange your time differently and you’ll be missing out on her. 3 days would seem reasonable. I don’t see why you can’t write as if it was a job for 3 days and then look at some evenings or early mornings on the other days including weekends to get the hours in.

RantzNotBantz · 02/08/2025 19:59

If you were out at your corporate office job she’d be in nursery.

This is a different job.

If she’s happy, go with it.

But I would have a relaxed breakfast with her and pick her up before she gets pre-bed cranky so that you get good quality time with her,

JaneEyre40 · 02/08/2025 20:01

FoxBomber · 02/08/2025 12:46

I’ve taken a year out of my job (corporate, very full on) to finally try and finish a novel I’ve been working on for years. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do properly, not just in scraps of time after bedtime.

DD is 3 and we’ve got a lovely local nursery that has space for her full time. She’s been going a couple of mornings a week already and adores it. They do forest school, messy play, loads of outdoor time.

But I’ve had some pushback (mostly MIL but a few others too) about whether it’s “right” to send her full time when I’m “not working.” The implication being that because I’m not being paid to write, it doesn’t count.

For me, this year is a serious commitment, not just a bit of scribbling while she naps. I’ve planned it all out and I’m treating it like a proper job. I want to give it the best shot I can.

I do feel guilty though. Like I should be making more of these early years, or that I’m being selfish. But at the same time, I know I’d be a better mum if I felt fulfilled in myself too.

Is full-time nursery unreasonable in this context? Or am I just second guessing everything because of the mum guilt?

Fuck MIL...you know what's right for YOUR child

butimamonstersaidthemonster · 02/08/2025 20:05

I think 1 or 2 days would be more than enough.
writing one novel will not take a full year 40 hours a week.

StopitnTidyup · 02/08/2025 20:05

I wouldn't do full time nursery if there wasn't a direct need. I guess she will be going to school next year? You don't get the time back again.

Mandarinaduck · 02/08/2025 20:18

comfyshoes2022 · 02/08/2025 13:34

Being full time in nursery at 3 is fine for whatever reason IMO.

Fully agree.
you don’t have to justify this choice to anyone.
she will be happy at nursery, you will fulfil your ambition - sounds good all round.

Mh67 · 03/08/2025 11:07

I wouldn't put a child in full time to write. It's such an unnatural environment. Busy loud and full on 24/7. Also nowadays there is so many additional needs kids that the staffs time is used up dealing with that. Part time is fine then work when kid is in bed

Ivy888 · 03/08/2025 11:34

FoxBomber · 02/08/2025 13:09

Just to clarify a few things. Yes, when I was in my corporate job, DD was in nursery four days a week and with my mum on Fridays. She’s always been in some form of childcare and she absolutely loves nursery. The staff are brilliant, she has her little group of friends, and she comes home full of stories and paint in her hair. I’m not worried about the care side of things at all.

My partner is supportive in the sense that he knows how important this is to me and he agreed we could afford for me to take the year out. But I think now that we’re actually looking at the logistics, he’s a bit more cautious about the full-time nursery side. He hasn’t said no, just raised an eyebrow when I mentioned it.

I know writing a novel isn’t the same as working for a salary but it doesn’t feel like a hobby to me. I’ve mapped out a full manuscript, I’ve given myself goals and deadlines, and I’m treating it as professionally as I can. But I also get that from the outside it probably just looks like I’m having a nice break while someone else looks after my child.

I don’t want to miss out on this time with her either. She’s only little once and I know I’ll never get these years back. Maybe I did rush into the idea of full time. I could start with three or four days and see how that works. I just know that if I try to squeeze writing in around her naps and CBeebies, it’ll never happen properly.

Could you postpone your writing year till she is a bit older? Kids grow up so fast and you never get these years back. Whereas your novel can still be written in 3 years time, or 5 years time. She’ll have to go to school 5 days a week anyway. This is the only window you have where that isn’t necessary.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 03/08/2025 11:38

Personally I'd have waited two years til she started proper school, then have 9-3 to write. Full time nursery to pursue a passion project feels unbalanced.

PinkBobby · 03/08/2025 11:40

FoxBomber · 02/08/2025 12:46

I’ve taken a year out of my job (corporate, very full on) to finally try and finish a novel I’ve been working on for years. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do properly, not just in scraps of time after bedtime.

DD is 3 and we’ve got a lovely local nursery that has space for her full time. She’s been going a couple of mornings a week already and adores it. They do forest school, messy play, loads of outdoor time.

But I’ve had some pushback (mostly MIL but a few others too) about whether it’s “right” to send her full time when I’m “not working.” The implication being that because I’m not being paid to write, it doesn’t count.

For me, this year is a serious commitment, not just a bit of scribbling while she naps. I’ve planned it all out and I’m treating it like a proper job. I want to give it the best shot I can.

I do feel guilty though. Like I should be making more of these early years, or that I’m being selfish. But at the same time, I know I’d be a better mum if I felt fulfilled in myself too.

Is full-time nursery unreasonable in this context? Or am I just second guessing everything because of the mum guilt?

But you are working. You didn’t give up your job to be a SAHM. You did it to work on your book. I really hope your writing is going well.

Child development wise, after three the ‘pros’ of nursery outweigh the ‘cons’. Your daughter will be going to school in a year (I assume) and so getting used to a full day away from home is important. It’s great that she enjoys it and has already done some half days. It sounds like a lovely set up too.

In terms of the amount of time she spends there (5 days vs fewer days), the longer she’s there, the more impact it’ll have on her. By this I mainly mean tiredness but that can mean more tantrums, friendship issues at nursery or difficulty saying goodbye, all of which make your life harder too/will dial up that good old mum guilt!

I think, if it were me, I’d go to half days all week first and then add in afternoons once she was a bit more used to the everyday element. Then you can figure out if she’s enjoying it less when it’s more full on and you can also work out if you need 5 full days or if a couple of afternoons of fresh air/not thinking about the book actually helps your writing.

Good luck again with it all!

IMissSparkling · 03/08/2025 11:46

If your novel never gets published (which is the most likely scenario, sorry) then I think you will massively regret missing out on time with your little girl.

MCF86 · 03/08/2025 11:47

I dont think I would full time. A couple of full days maybe.
But not having more time together before school started is my biggest regret, and I know it isn't for everyone!

NuffSaidSam · 03/08/2025 11:53

When you say full-time do you mean 8-6pm full-time or 9-3pm full-time?

I would find a compromise tbh. Enough that you can actually work on the novel, but surely that doesn't need to be 50 hours a week? You need to take breaks with creative projects, sometimes the inspiration hits when your brain is relaxed and not trying to come up with something.

Tortielady · 03/08/2025 11:56

You know what's best in your situation, for your child. You're treating your writing as a job of work, applying the professionsl working habits you're used to in your corporate life, including formal arrangements for childcare. It augers well for a successful writing project.

Cutting out all the noise of other people's opinions, what would be the consequence of writing over three or four days? Time constraints can impose discipline and you're already used to an office schedule; if you know your daughter won't be at nursery on Tuesday, you'll be motivated to work more solidly tomorrow. I'm in the process of writing up my PhD and know from my own experience that two hours of consistent working is worth four hours of work mixed in with dithering about on the internet, rinsing mugs, adding to the online shopping order, buying train tickets, etc. It might be easier to refuse impromptu drop-ins for coffee on Wednesday if you know that Thursday will be taken up with a date with a mini-tornado and Peppa Pig. Could you, as others suggest, go for three/four days and see how you get on, supplemented by your DH or DM as you get closer to big deadlines?

PistachioTiramisuLimoncello · 03/08/2025 11:59

Why not do 3 days at nursery?

teksquad · 03/08/2025 12:03

Id do 4 days in nursery for wroting in your shoes, and then maybe get your DH to comitt to looking after her all day on Saturday for another writing day. Then she's spending 2 quality days with her parents and you get 4/5 writing days.

GreyAreas · 03/08/2025 12:12

3 days and then also allocate 1 weekend day to do it full time (or one day when you partner is home) and two evenings from 5 or earliest your partner can get home). This would give you full time writing and some family balance, you and your partner would be valuing your writing. 3 days from what you describe will be more likely to benefit dd at 3, in my opinion, and it won't be her that is sacrificing anything. And I personally would consider taking on more of the grunt work as a quid pro quo. Would you have agreed to your partner taking a year off earning on a speculative project? What would you have expected of them?

Manthide · 03/08/2025 12:26

Gd does 3 days and it seems the right balance. Gs (other dd) is 3 and is full time and it feels like a lot though as both parents work there isn't another option.

BlossomOfOrange · 03/08/2025 14:04

She’s happy at home, she’s happy at nursery. Choose what works for you

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/08/2025 14:07

Absolute non issue. Just 1 more day than she was doing anyway? I don't see the problem at all.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 03/08/2025 14:09

I wouldn’t do this, I personally would feel too guilty and you don’t get that time back with your dd.

Part time would be a reasonable compromise imo.

TheNightingalesStarling · 03/08/2025 14:10

I would personally waited a year until she was at school but more for financial reasons. But if you can afford full time nursery and a year off work then its no ones business but yours.

SeaToSki · 03/08/2025 14:12

If she still naps I would consider doing nursery mornings only, collect her for lunch with you, put her down for a nap at home and then you have every afternoon with her and can work all morning and during nap (so maybe 2.30-3ish)??

Magicwand80 · 03/08/2025 14:16

No I wouldn't. Maybe up one of the nursery days to a long day.

You will never get that time back with DD and if the novel has waited all this while. It can wait until DD is full-time at school.

RoseaPlena · 03/08/2025 14:17

My friend's mum is a novelist- v successful and well-known. She always says that the worst advice anyone gives an aspiring writer is "don't give up the day job". Writing is incredibly competitive- you wouldn't expect to succeed in any other competitive industry by doing scraps in your spare time. It's a job of work.

It's absolutely fine for your daughter to go to nursery to allow you to write. Nothing to do with your MIL.