My son can't get an apprenticeship and is getting violent and moody

[WiseHiker]

My son is strugling to get an apprenticeship at 20 and his mental health is deteriorating

Firstly he is not a bad kid never touched drugs or drink. He was bullied alot in school as he is autistic and he claims because of his hight however despite this he got ok gcses (6s and 7s)

And tried alevels however dropped out because of further bullying and because he found the course uninteresting. He then spent around 2 years travelling to see his then girlfriend from Bournemouth

At 18 they broke up and he did a pt qualification at level 2, did boxing and got a part time job at a pub after alot of difficulty. However he quickly spiraled into an eating disorder and decided he can't continue down the gym Instructing route.

Since turning 19 he's been looking to get an apprenticeship in "anything not behind a desk that pays well" however has had no joy with the exception of an assessment centre .after being told he didn't get the job because his team lost after no one listened to him. he punched one of the people in his team outside the event out of frustration. I have since gotten him anger management and told him this is not acceptable.

He is now 20 still looking for one, he has started driving lessons to aid in this however he has become even more moody and withdrawn. He barely sees his friends as they are all working 9 to 5 and he works evenings and weekends. Compounding this I believe could be that his dad is terminally ill with hypertension of the heart.
Furthermore earlier this year he started seeing a new girl who within 3 month slept with one of his mates. Currently all he does is apply for jobs and work out for an unhealthy amount of time . I'm not sure how to help him.

Furthermore he wants a well paying job at the end of the road not right now he's willing to work at it. He needs an income while studying otherwise he would be even more isolated

he's having breakdowns bi weekly over this he's scared of being left behind by his friends. What should he do

He is struggling with entitlement and disordered eating. Try and get him to go to the GP and perhaps get more assistance for his mental health. Sometimes, people need to try other therapies like DBT, he definitely would benefit more than CBT it can be good for emotional regulation and anger issues - ask the GP or the CBT therapist he'll be seeing next month to refer him for DBT. Make sure he's honest with the therapist next month and explains the violence, or you can email and let them know (its important for background and to help him).

Get him to ask for referral to specific eating disorder services as well (again ask GP and CBT therapist next month) and a Psychiatrist (to have a whole mental health assesment by psychiatry and designated ED services - dietician, therpay etc). He needs ED services and speicifc ED therapies (likely linked to his gym and eating issues) and DBT therapy at the same time. He's struggling a lot, so needs intensive support and often that's multiple different types of therapy at the same time - if you can go private for this and force him to attend and be honest with all of them (it will take time so be willing to invest for the next few years and where necessary for the GP to continue extending his therapy.

Let him know that therapy and help are the best ways to KEEP friends and get new ones because someone who doesn't work on themselves and accept help or try in education and is violent is not someone people will want to be friends with. Get GP/Psychiatrist to try different antidepressants and mood stabilisers as well at the same time, even if mood stabilisers are temporary). Men's Shed is another good way to make friends (if he's non-violent and engages and actually listens). Also get to do group therpay perhaps (NHS and GP might know good places with people with issues with violence/men with eating issues). Also youth clubs in the local area.

If you won't make him or encourage him to change anything using some of the advice from this thread, then what's the point? He needs tough love, or he will continue on this cycle of violence and likely end up in prison for hurting someone (that will worsen his life chances even more). You need to be a parent and tell him that even if he doesn't want to go back to college because he doesn't like working with people (a fact of life, which he needs to get used to and not use violence as his way to deal with).

Education is most of the time the only way to get a better job and life (yes some do it through money and connections but since he doesn't have that - he has to do it this way). He can do plumbing, another trade BTEC or BTEC Higher after. He can do this at college part-time (yes it will take longer but the time will pass anyways and he might as well get qualifications at the same time whilst he works on the side, he lives with you so support him where you can and he needs to learn to save properly and budget).

Also, please contact (I'd call them for advice) Beat - an eating disorder charity, even if he just looks through the website for advice. Also, you can call them OP. They can refer him to services or even just talk to him, but you can also call them on his behalf to see what advice they have. Please look at the links, I want him to get better and I want you to help him, you love him even if this means you aren't always tough enough, but I'm telling you he either gets all this help now or he gets worse and worse and you'll lose him more and more.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/eating-disorders/&ved=2ahUKEwjov5vw5diOAxUPTkEAHTh3K-wQFnoECFkQAQ&usg=AOvVaw1h-pzlLGfQzCxqO6bPvGJ

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/about-eating-disorders/do-men-get-eating-disorders/&ved=2ahUKEwjov5vw5diOAxUPTkEAHTh3K-wQFnoECB0QAQ&usg=AOvVaw0HkeJ0N5JMKVSz25ZDca2r

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/get-help-for-myself/i-need-support-now/helplines/&ved=2ahUKEwjov5vw5diOAxUPTkEAHTh3K-wQFnoECBwQAQ&usg=AOvVaw2jzMtCQu-4B7TyA1bn44

I'll get back in touch with the eating team he had a rant about eating an ice cream with his dad today . they discharged him around December last year.

in regards to education I'll look at night school qualifications with him hopefully their will be some available in construction or engineering.

His CBT begins on the 19th of September

I know he wants to make something of himself but I've seen his mates already make jokes that he dresses in rags which is likely why he's so obsessed with money. This is where I think the conflict comes from with college he can't earn while in college

If he ends up in prison because he's killed somebody, will you still be thinking it's worth it? Because that's the very real risk here.

I am sure you would much rather he hurts others than himself. I bet the others feel differently.

Hard to be sympathetic to someone who defends violence, not once but twice.

As mentioned in one of my previous posts he can do the basic qualifications to get a CITB Labourer Green Card online within days. My son did them very recently.

WTF? 😳
With this attitude from you alongside everything else I cannot think of a single job that would suit a non-driving, outdoor-hating, aggressive individual who doesn’t want to do anything involving study or hard work.

Of course he can work and do a college course. He currently works in the evening as a waiter so could go to college during the day.

He needs to get the chip of his shoulder about education. Without it, it is very very hard to improve his job prospects. A vocational level 3 BTEC would probably suit him best but there were be idiots on the course and he needs to learn there is never an excuse for violence.

I've looked at night school classes however most ones near by are took up till September of this year. He said he would do part time education in something useful however both level 2 plumbing and electrical open next year.

In the gym he doesn't train for strength or speed only looking better so their isn't much for him to do.

We will look into the labourer green card

How about the open university? It’s not all degree courses distance learning might suit him because he won’t have others holding up the lessons and can work at his own pace might be good for building up confidence as well. Men’s shed sounds a good idea too.

How do I get him to calm down. His anger stems from not being able to progress in life and feeling powerless waking up in a life he "hates" the only way that angers going to go is if his circumstances change but their seems to be no routes out of it. His exact words to me are what do I have in my life my mates have jobs a girlfriend a family. while I have nothing he admits he messes up 2 years but since then has been given no routes back to getting himself on track. He's applied for 100s of jobs and apprenticeships today we looked at night school classes but none worthwhile ones are available till next September.

Most seem to be degree level for things like psychology or marketing we have looked into it and you would likely need some background knowledge in the subject which he admittedly has none of . He has said he would be open to learning something practical as he doesn't want to be sat behind a desk all day

He says he wants to be earning money.
What does he want that money for?
Not the obvious stuff like house/car/clothes etc but is it for opportunities to go to a good gym, go on holiday, be able to go to sporting events or festivals?
If I had my time over again at 18 I would have gone for a job in a local factory job (which these days is more likely to be a warehouse job).
The job itself would have possibly been a bit boring and repetitive but it would have been regular set shifts and decent money.
By having set shifts I would have been able to plan my non work life better (so do more leisure activities).
There is often too much emphasis on a "career" these days but sometimes I think many people would be happier with a "job". You go to work, do the work, go home, get paid.
Then the non working part of life can be all about the things you love.
@WiseHiker If your son doesn't want to do anymore education then he might be better to stop thinking about apprenticeships that "lead to a career" and just go and get a set shift job.

Then he needs to engage with your local further education college or adult education provider. They can signpost to suitable courses, most of which are not more than a day or two a week, possibly remotely, and ideally supported with work experience or volunteering, or as an apprenticeship. There is still time to enrol for this academic year on a credited courses, places won’t be confirmed until late August and he could get ahead of those awaiting results by contacting them now to see what may still be available. If he needs some background knowledge, or just wants to explore particular potential subjects, try looking at futurelearn or open learn for free short introductory courses.

He wants to get out of the town we live in. Every bit of money he gets he stockpiles to try and get a fresh start. In his ideal world he would have a versatile good stable career and wants to learn a skill badly. We have called the local college today they have said that they have no level 2 or 3 practical courses available this year and I doubt the level 1 ones will look very good on his cv

@WiseHiker try and get him to think "good stable job" rather than career.
A regular decent paid job and his work/life balance can be better.
Then he could spend his free time learning skills just for the enjoyment of it.

We have had a look at the adult classes for construction and engineering all are overbooked and have a 12 month wait what should we do. No jobs are giving him a shot either

Obviously it's dependent on what you have in your area but warehouse/distribution jobs will start advertising for seasonal (ie Christmas) work in the next couple of months.
The same for delivery jobs - including Royal Mail.
Would he consider something like a postman?
Stable job, regular shifts, outside and getting exercise.
There's always adverts for extra staff at Royal Mail for seasonal posties and if he does well at the job he might be able to become permanent.

Absolutely however last year when we looked it said you need to be driving

Most warehouse jobs also want an flt license which he doesn't have

What's a flt license?

Forklift truck? Can’t image most Amazon pickers have one.

@WiseHiker has he looked at NHS roles, for example: https://www.healthcareers.nhs.uk/explore-roles/wider-healthcare-team/roles-wider-healthcare-team/support-services/porter

He could work his way up from that to a Supervisor role.