My son can't get an apprenticeship and is getting violent and moody

[WiseHiker]

My son is strugling to get an apprenticeship at 20 and his mental health is deteriorating

Firstly he is not a bad kid never touched drugs or drink. He was bullied alot in school as he is autistic and he claims because of his hight however despite this he got ok gcses (6s and 7s)

And tried alevels however dropped out because of further bullying and because he found the course uninteresting. He then spent around 2 years travelling to see his then girlfriend from Bournemouth

At 18 they broke up and he did a pt qualification at level 2, did boxing and got a part time job at a pub after alot of difficulty. However he quickly spiraled into an eating disorder and decided he can't continue down the gym Instructing route.

Since turning 19 he's been looking to get an apprenticeship in "anything not behind a desk that pays well" however has had no joy with the exception of an assessment centre .after being told he didn't get the job because his team lost after no one listened to him. he punched one of the people in his team outside the event out of frustration. I have since gotten him anger management and told him this is not acceptable.

He is now 20 still looking for one, he has started driving lessons to aid in this however he has become even more moody and withdrawn. He barely sees his friends as they are all working 9 to 5 and he works evenings and weekends. Compounding this I believe could be that his dad is terminally ill with hypertension of the heart.
Furthermore earlier this year he started seeing a new girl who within 3 month slept with one of his mates. Currently all he does is apply for jobs and work out for an unhealthy amount of time . I'm not sure how to help him.

Right. No one else other than your son has been bullied, broken up with, or can't find a job.
I shouldn't respond to this goady thread, really. Am off.

And anybody with an ounce of common sense about them would dump a boyfriend who resents the world and attacks people to feel better about his short legs.

@NeverDropYourMooncup it was because he felt his education was being affected and the teacher said nothing about it. He asked to do the course from home but no option was given

Is he the first person to get dumped or be a short arse?

How can you justify him choking someone, you both sound psychotic.

How should he have handled it then

Has he been in any similar scenarios this past year, where his reaction has not been as extreme or physical. Sympathy for the challenges he has faced cannot excuse his behaviour. He will always find colleagues who can irritate him but will find himself sacked and difficult to employ if he cannot control his impulses, if not in trouble with police.

Not so far as I'm aware. He's been trying so hard to get himself on track, he just says college isn't for him as he can't earn while learning or see his friends

Also he has held down his current job for 2 years

By coming home and whingeing at his mother, not putting somebody at risk of death - it's usually stated in the context of domestic abuse, but a man who chokes somebody is hugely more likely to commit murder. And choking is a criminal offence in itself, along with ABH/GBH.

I wonder why he's been dumped by girlfriends? In their words, not his, that is.

He has never been violent towards Any of his girlfriends. He even paid out of his own pocket to see one of them regularly. He tried to sort the situation with the teacher but they did nothing to help him

Eve when nobody else helps out even the teachers (who should have tried something) it doesn't make it right to choke anyone. It's one of the behaviours that when in a relationship with DV is one of the biggest risk factors for killing someone. I don't think prison will help him (will likely make him more violent and increase risk of addiction issues) but he needs to understand boundaries and also stop blaming other people - perhaps court ordered anger management and community service/youth club would. Lots of people get broken up with and more than one point in their lives. I would ge GP involved urgently (call 111 or the GP yourself) - even though the violence seem to be distanced out, if he's done it before it means he'll spiral quicker- so they need to know all the history of violence and get him on meds to stabilise him. They could refer to a suport worker or SS. Also what type of therapy is he getting? And when?

Councillor starting 9th September and cbt plus an increase in his floroxitine

@WiseHiker While he carries around this huge chip on his shoulder everyone will be wrong. He’s unfortunately not resilient and it’s telling he’s not got friends. He’s becoming the typical victim where everyone else is to blame. He won’t get an apprenticeship at this rate because they are competitive. He’s not going to shine. He also seems to want bespoke learning. He needs to see what is available in the evening or on line and stick to it. He just sounds rather unpleasant I’m afraid.

I'll admit he is. He's smart got good grades in school but ever since then cratered his life entirely. Refuses to get educated and only cares about money. He's applied for hundreds of jobs aswell. I'll agree however demeanor wise he's an unpleasant person constantly stressing about money and freaking out constantly about having no shot at a career. Plus his works just cut his hours to once a week due to lack of business

He's said he will never go back college he hates education the only way he said he would is as a private candidate so he can study himself

Which due to the fact he's just had his hours cut and no one will hire him is looking unlikely

I can assure you, as a teacher of over 20 years, I very much believe this thread, and that the op will defend her son no matter what he does. And his failure will in no way be down to her parenting either.

he clearly cannot work with people. He cannot take criticism, will not consider doing the hard work, the things he doesnt want to do, to progress and he doesnt like when things go in any way differently than he expects. His reactions are extreme and violent. He should have been receiving help for this much earlier than 20.

op, he needs clear boundaries and expectations. He does not need you telling him everything he does is understandable and acceptable. He will end unemployable.

You have masses of excellent advice on this thread. Turn them into a bullet pointed list of actions and start him on them tomorrow at 9am.

But it's tough shit isn't it? This is the job that he's got.

He's got GCSEs and nothing else, spent two years buming around doing nothing, instead of getting some kind of education and has an attitude problem, plus health issues and is possibly on steroids. He's not a good catch for any employer.

His best bet would be to lean in to what he's fallen into - hospitality. If he's making £50/shift in tips he's obviously doing ok at the role and will hopefully get a good reference from his current employer if he moves on. He should look into getting qualified (NOT returning to full-time study at his age, something part time that he can fit around his job) so he can progress in it as a career.

His sense of entitlement is astounding. Most people don't particularly like their jobs or find the interesting, they do it for the wages because they have bills to pay. Why does he think, with his employment history and lack of educational achievement, that he's owed a well paying job? That's not the route he's gone down. He dropped out of education and dossed around. He's a primary candidate for the boring basic jobs. Which is what he's got. He seriously needs to get a grip and face reality.

If he has disposable income he needs to join something during the day and make new friends. Friendships don't always last forever and his friends lives have gone in a different direction to his. He won't be able to keep up with them financially anyway if he goes out with them too much and I reckon he's also going to be the type that gets jealous they've got a higher standard of living than he has, even though he brought it on himself. Hanging out with them and comparing his life unfavourably to theirs isn't going to help his mental health.

he waited outside and suckered punched him

kid was clowning around in lessons and..[....]... he choked the kid out after hours

This is just what you know about. There's maybe more. And you're minimising these with the reasons you give for it happening. Those weren't the reasons those were the excuses, the reason was because your son is a violent thug with an attitude problem.

It was chillingly premeditated, both times. He doesn't just have an anger management (AKA impulse control) problem that means he lashes out in the heat of the moment. He has a problem with his fundamental beliefs in that he thinks his emotional state justifies his actions. He's going to end up in prison if he doesn't change. I don't mean just change his behaviour - it's his personality and core beliefs he needs to change, the behaviour stems from that.

Quite frankly - he needs to grow up. Stop blaming others and become employable!

What else does he do then isolate himself further get into education and possibly hurt himself I'd much rather him hurt others than himself

He wants to fix his life how does he do that without going back to education

And he didn't do nothing he tried education got a level 2 pt qualification but due to his ed can't go in that direction. He wants to learn and make money how can he do that

Not gonna lie I hope he doesn't get a girlfriend, I'd be quite scared for her

So he's not good enough. Despite the fact his mate only got an apprenticeship because of his dad. Whereas my son has been working his ass of this year doing driving lessons writing cover notes doing Allison courses for not even a reason why of the employers. He messed up 2 years so what I'm willing to bet alot of people did. Also the steroids comment was unnecessary and cruel