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How to check my child’s grades at a Uni?

433 replies

Snowflake55 · 24/11/2024 09:54

I am in despair as my son refuses to tell me if he is attending Uni at all, let alone to tell me how his grades are! I tried calling his Uni and all they say “it is confidential”. Do we parents have any rights in the UK to find out how our children are doing at a Uni? Thank you

OP posts:
CowTown · 24/11/2024 11:07

MumblesParty · 24/11/2024 11:03

Exactly! I often think this. On the one hand we’re told they’re adults, and we have no right to expect any involvement in their lives ever again. Then on the other hand, we’re told we have to reveal our financial information because this affects how much money the students are loaned by Student Finance. So are they independent or not??!!!

Annnd….we’re expected to fund the shortfall in the loan.

pointythings · 24/11/2024 11:07

MumblesParty · 24/11/2024 11:05

Wow your kids didn’t contact you for weeks on end? That’s sad.

I didn't say that. Read my post again. I said that if OP's son didn't contact her of his own will, there might be a reason for that.

I had pretty much daily contact with my DC when they were at uni - through the family group chat and through video calls. Because they wanted to be in touch with me. OP should reflect on why her son doesn't want that.

VictoriaSpungecake · 24/11/2024 11:08

Snowflake55 · 24/11/2024 10:54

Thank you everyone. I am concerned as he has some emotional difficulties and after seeing those two Oxford students who committed suicide I am very scared. I live abroad, and he is in the UK. He was open with me in the past, but now he doesn’t want to talk about University, or anything else to be honest. I call once a week giving him space, but even then he seems bored with our 5 min conversation. Yes I pay for everything as a single mum.
Thank you again for explaining how things are once our children go to uni.

In my post I wasn't clear: I think you SHOULD contact the uni. Don't ask for his grades but do be honest and raise your concerns about him. They may tell you that they can't have a conversation with you about it, but rest assured that they will look into his wellbeing and keep an eye on him.

colinthedogfromaccounts · 24/11/2024 11:08

Snowflake55 · 24/11/2024 09:54

I am in despair as my son refuses to tell me if he is attending Uni at all, let alone to tell me how his grades are! I tried calling his Uni and all they say “it is confidential”. Do we parents have any rights in the UK to find out how our children are doing at a Uni? Thank you

You don't. He is an adult.

MumblesParty · 24/11/2024 11:09

pointythings · 24/11/2024 11:07

I didn't say that. Read my post again. I said that if OP's son didn't contact her of his own will, there might be a reason for that.

I had pretty much daily contact with my DC when they were at uni - through the family group chat and through video calls. Because they wanted to be in touch with me. OP should reflect on why her son doesn't want that.

OK but you implied that a once weekly phone call was too much. And now you’re saying you had daily contact.

Ted27 · 24/11/2024 11:09

@Snowflake55

If you have concerns about mental health then I'd gently suggest that demanding information from the university about attendance and grades isn't the way to support them. a

How are you approaching it with your son? If you think he is struggling have you asked how you could help, suggested where he could do for support.
A close friend of mine has a daughter with mental health issues, at times very serious, at university. She has engaged with the welfare services at the uni, there has been no issue with that.
My own son is in his second year. He has ASD, is quite an anxious person. He had a few struggles in his first year which I could tell from his general demeanor. I haven't a clue about his attendance or grades, other than he did well enough to go onto his second year.
I've trusted him to tell me about problems, but also made sure that he knows where to go for support.
It's hard when they go, it must be particularly difficult if you are in another country, but I think there are probably better ways of trying to support him.
As an aside - I have a very close relationship with my son, during the holidays we still spend a lot of time together, in term time I barely hear from him, unless there is a football match on or FI. We speak every 2 weeks or so, a couple of texts in-between. He's too busy living his life to be worried about poor old mum pining away at home - which is how it should be really.

BustingBaoBun · 24/11/2024 11:09

How horrible some posters are on here... it seems that at midnight on the day of their 18th birthday, all care, concern and love goes out the window. We never stop worrying about our kids, and the OP is just concerned for her son and hopes he's OK. Not sure what is insufferable about that

KeyKnowledge · 24/11/2024 11:10

namechange1975 · 24/11/2024 11:06

Do universities actually know who attends lectures. They don't have attendance records.

Mine does, as did those of all three DC - in three different countries.

I have to register every time I enter a room (mature post grad student) and an automatic welfare check in is launched after a certain number of classes have been missed.

housethatbuiltme · 24/11/2024 11:10

namechange1975 · 24/11/2024 11:06

Do universities actually know who attends lectures. They don't have attendance records.

Yes you sign in with your student ID card which had a scannable barcode, It also gave you access to certain buildings/rooms/labs/disabled accesses etc... that you where allowed that not everyone was was like that when I was in uni 10-15 years ago.

To be honest if you didn't go to lectures or showed up late they didn't care much (you could restudy most stuff at home or in the library, half the class taped lectures anyway and would share them) but if you didn't go to practicals that could be an automatic fail without good reason (like medical notes).

MumblesParty · 24/11/2024 11:12

KeyKnowledge · 24/11/2024 11:10

Mine does, as did those of all three DC - in three different countries.

I have to register every time I enter a room (mature post grad student) and an automatic welfare check in is launched after a certain number of classes have been missed.

I think this is unusual. A friend’s son doesn’t attend any lectures ever. Since Covid all lectures are made available online and he watches them that way.

namechange1975 · 24/11/2024 11:12

@pointythings you don't know anything about the kind of relationship OP has with her son. Wouldn't it be nice if we were all perfect parents like you and be ready to judge others without knowing the first thing about them.

Youcantcallacatspider · 24/11/2024 11:12

Your son has the right to refuse to tell you anything about his personal or professional life and the university absolutely have to adhere to the data protection rights of an adult. However I'd be refusing to provide him with a penny of financial support until he stops twatting around and tells you what he's doing with his life. He's an adult. He can come to you openly for help or he can figure things out for himself.

YellowAsteroid · 24/11/2024 11:14

namechange1975 · 24/11/2024 11:06

Do universities actually know who attends lectures. They don't have attendance records.

Yes we do. And we chase students who don’t turn up. I would probably spend several hours a week dealing with my students’ attendance. This is where their fees go ….

You cannot just dump your DCs’ issues on universities then complain when we Follow.The.Law

Katbum · 24/11/2024 11:15

The government don’t force parents to pay for anything, they just don’t subsidise children from wealthier families. The answer to this is that if you want to use your wealth to support your kids you make it clear to them the support will be withdrawn if they are not open with you about attendance and grades. I don’t see how any of this is the university’s responsibility.

Respectisnotoptional · 24/11/2024 11:16

Ho OP I totally understand your concern and think you’ve had some horrible comments on here. We never stop caring about our children whether they’re four or forty four, they are precious and remain so throughout our lives.
It does sound as if you can ask for a welfare check on your son so I would definitely follow that route.
With the phone conversations some people just aren’t chatty on the phone, I can rattle on for hours but my OH is short and to the point if he answers the phone, it could just be that.
If possible maybe a short visit to the UK would be good, you can use Christmas as a reason, I wouldn’t make him too aware that you’re checking up on him.
My own son has had mental health problems and I know how worrying it can be, your feelings are only natural.
Be quietly concerned but don’t be overpowering is my advice.

RamblingEclectic · 24/11/2024 11:17

Julie168 · 24/11/2024 10:32

Kids might legally be an adult at 18 but it's ridiculous to think that they are suddenly completely autonomous, that their parents don't have to worry about what they're doing and they're suddenly fine to do whatever they like. This goes double for any kids that are ND who might be up to 3 years behind their actual age in emotional maturity.

It should be possible to find out if your child isn't attending any lectures at 18 IMO. They're living away from home for the first time, it's quite possible that no one is looking out for them or aware of their welfare at uni and they could be having a terrible time with their MH.

It's sad IMO that people here feel so strongly that at 18 you should be left alone to sink or swim. We know kids brains aren't fully developed till 25. I guess though when your own kids are doing fine it's easy to put concerned parents down and laugh at them wanting to get involved and try to find out what's going on with their kids.

Many parents worry about their kids worry about their children through their twenties, thirties, forties... doesn't change their right to information or their adult child's right to privacy.

My not having the right to my autistic 20 year old's academic information doesn't mean I think he should be left to sink or swim. I can support him with the information he chooses to give me. The thing is at this point, the decision on maintaining the relationship is on both people, not one-sided, not enforced by anyone. It's based largely on the relationship built up so far.

My son specifically chose a course at a place with a lot of additional wellbeing support. He's on a sponsored course - his contract states that if he fails out or is removed for other reasons, he can owe the sponsor what he's been paid for tuition and bursary no matter what he's paid - the sponsor still had to request he fill out paperwork to give them the ability to get relevant academic or other personal information on him, they don't have an automatic right to it just because they're paying. That can decide not to sponsor without it, just as parents can set whatever rules they want with their money.

The studies on brain development have, like a lot of science, been badly reported in the press. There is nothing magical about 25. What we know from these studies is that the brain never stops developing, that the 'full development' of the final significant pruning and connection varies depending on a lot of factors, with suggesting the window may be as wide as 19/20 to 28, maybe wider (I've seen 16 to 30, but not seen the studies on those numbers). We can't determine when adults get the right to privacy based on something like that. Some risks are part of life.

At 18, I immigrated to a different country and got married, even with what we would now call a neurodiverse condition. My parents were in the middle of a nasty post-divorce legal situation and my father demanded information on my location that a few people in my maternal family knew. I think it's BS that he was given my personal information and it put me and a few years after that my kids at risk - part of why I immigrated was my paternal family are part of an American evangelical group that thinks because I was baptised as a child, that my children are their property. I had to get British police involved after my location was given to my father due to stalking from members of the group including being sent photos of them in front of the uni I was at. Them being 'concerned' or my being under 25 and having disabilities doesn't change that I should have had the right to privacy and to handle the risks of my own adult choices.

BarbaraHoward · 24/11/2024 11:20

CrystalSea · 24/11/2024 10:53

If they’re adults, why is their parents’ income taken into consideration when awarding their student loan?

That was my point. Confused That's the bit that's fucked up, not their right to privacy.

emilysquest · 24/11/2024 11:20

I funded several university courses for my stepdaughters, both in the UK and abroad, they have always done me the courtesy of telling me when their exams were and what results they got, even into their 30s. I would have considered it a real failure of the relationship if they hadn't.

Notellinganyone · 24/11/2024 11:20

No - you have no rights. He is an adult and it’s up to him. Parental over involvement is a real problem for universities- I think parents are seeing it as an extension of school- which it isn’t.

Mamabearsmile · 24/11/2024 11:22

Yes a young adult has rights, but sure as sugar I bet, like many of us shes funding that young adult, accommodation, income supplements, clothing food etc. Not all find the transition smooth and a couple of months ago he was a sixthformer. Not all students get funding and loans. If he were mine I'd try to get a face to face chat. Just stand along side him. If things are going wrong he may find it impossible to tell you for all kinds of reasons. Just let him know your regard for him is unconditional and positive and loving, no matter what. That you're not prying but interested in his life and hopefully he'll let you be part of it. That you love him and don't judge him and will always be there for him. Best have the loving chat sooner rather than later.

My friends boy found himself in a tough situation through no fault of his own. He kept it hidden from her for a long time because he was trying to protect her from those who were busy ruining his life. If you see yoyr boy you'll have more of an idea about his general well being and life there. Keep an open mind. There will be people who can help him in any situation. The student support teams are pretty good once you access them. It's hard when you're meeting brick walls but it usually is an indicator that things are not right or just not the same. It might be something you need to work on gradually. Some of mine are pretty open and some prefer more privacy, just make sure they always know how much you care and that you're there for them. It's not a given that uni means you give up your relationship with your child, many families remain close as a lifelong precedent. Defend that for all it's worth. Eventually those roles will ease, shift and reverse as you age and it will be comforting when it does and life affirming. I really hope you sort out this secrecy with with your son. Don't worry about the grades, it's him that matters. Don't worry if he's left, just listen to why and how you can help. Don't you or your son feel you have to labour about the expectations of others, keep any disappointment in check and just help him. His happiness and safety is the most important thing.

Dontwearmysocks · 24/11/2024 11:22

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This x 100

newsfirst · 24/11/2024 11:22

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Chemenger · 24/11/2024 11:23

As a retired lecturer I can confirm that the university will not engage with parents unless the student explicitly gives permission to do so, and rightly so. There are practical reasons - how do you prove you are the parent? I had “parents” randomly phone me, there is no way to know that the voice on the phone is genuine. I have known many students who were estranged from one or both of their parents. Sometimes the parent did not know where the student was, for good reason. I have had parents phone asking about students that I know have left the course, sometimes years before. The university doesn’t know whether a parent is paying a student’s fees or whether they are refusing all financial support - both situations are common and neither constitutes a relationship between the parent and the university.

GinForBreakfast · 24/11/2024 11:23

namechange1975 · 24/11/2024 11:06

Do universities actually know who attends lectures. They don't have attendance records.

Some do. It can help to trigger welfare interventions. If a student doesn't turn up for weeks it could be a sign their MH is suffering.

Aberentian · 24/11/2024 11:23

Sweetiedarling2024 · 24/11/2024 10:55

Leave him alone, he is an adult - you sound like an insufferable parent

Over the top. OP's expectations are at fault but you are just nasty.