How to check my child’s grades at a Uni?

[Snowflake55]

I am in despair as my son refuses to tell me if he is attending Uni at all, let alone to tell me how his grades are! I tried calling his Uni and all they say “it is confidential”. Do we parents have any rights in the UK to find out how our children are doing at a Uni? Thank you

I'm 40 and my mum still worries about me. That doesn't mean she expects to see my performance reviews and pay slips.

By midnight on a teen's 18th the parents should be already well transitioned to supporting them as adults rather than children.

We had to start recording attendance and stop recording lectures for exactly this reason. Lecture recordings were catastrophic for student engagement and results.

I pay for my daughter's rent when she is at university.
By direct debit straight out of my bank account.
I rather think I am paying ...

OP - I agree with others that you can't expect the university to tell you confidential information. However, you can make it a condition of you financially supporting him that he engages with the university course and makes reasonable progress.

In much the same way I told my non-university child that he could continue to live in the family home but only if he was working (paid or voluntary), in training or education, or engaging in some other worthwhile pursuit - in short that I was not supporting him to lie about gaming all day.

@MumblesParty this smacks of "you don't know her she goes to another school". I don't know of a single degree course in a single university that doesn't recommend in person attendance to get the most out of the course. Apart from courses specifically designed to be taught online like OU etc.

No, because they are adults

The legal position is very clear - he's an adult, and you have no right to any of his personal information. It's interesting that so many posters think financial support affects this. It doesn't. You have the right to withdraw your financial support if you want to, but that's it. Your money doesn't buy you access to another adult's information without their consent, and nor should it.

We're only about 10 weeks into the first term and (depending on the course structure and assessment methods) there may be no "grades" available yet.

I said that a parent calling their child weekly was too much. My gran did it to my mum, waaaaaay into adulthood until my mum was in her 40s and finally decided enough was enough. Getting in touch should be spontaneous because both parties want it, not a matter of filial duty.

If your child wants to have contact with you, they will make that happen. Mine wanted to stay in touch with me. OP needs to reflect on why her DS doesn't. And then do some work on the relationship.

^^This!

You have no rights to see the grades @Snowflake55 but I appreciate your concern it's a real worry when the kids appear to close down like that.

What can help (but too late now) is talking prior to uni - what level of communications and information is good for both parties. Honest and open conversations about managing expectations. They are adults. It's their education and their life to run. However we stay invested - financially and emotionally and how do we manage that - how does everyone get what they need? In terms of space and data!?

If phone calls aren't cutting it - and they generally don't for a lot of kids, then get in there face to face. I was lucky that mine were only a few hours away but I recall giving up a day to take them to lunch, or dinner, or a trawl round IKEA so we could get past an issue.

No, no rights. But then he doesn't have the right to have you house or financially support him if you don't choose to. So your best bet is to tell him that either he shows you his grades and so on, or no more cash.

You can't. If he's first year, the first assignments are not due to about now and exams are first two weeks when they go back after Xmas/NY. This was based on the two unis I went to. Got HND in one and converted that to a BA (Hons) at another.

What used to piss me off was aged 18/19, at my FE college, there was a 2 hour lesson per week of Maths GCSE. Designed for students that didn't get C or above. I didn't attend as I got C. Plus it was the only lesson that day. There was a bus to the college at the morning but only return was 4-4:20pm (can't bloody remember as this was 1999/00). Had to take two buses and some drivers expected me to pay as my bus pass only let me on the above bus.

College used to ring home asking where I was. Initially my DM didn't understand that the lesson was for GCSE Maths. Then when I explained to her that was no need to attend as I already got the grade at the attempt. She accepted and on the weekly call, DM said I have already got C in Maths. I went to the reception and explained nicely please don't call my parents every Tuesday as I already got the grade and I am an adult. Showed the certificate. DM got a call the following week "she's an adult, she has the grade and showed it you". Then calls stopped.

😂 Helicopter parent!! Will you be calling his line manager when he starts his first job to see how his end of year assessment went? This sort of parental behaviour is part of the reason young adults are unable to function as adults, because their parents aren’t letting them. Back off.

I am very confident that it is universally accepted that parents calling once a week for five minutes at a time is not too much but actually pretty much dead on standard. And certainly not something you should be shaming this poor mum over.

Op, I understand your worry but you need to focus on developing your relationship with your son to a stage where he feels he can talk to you. Why not come over and spend time with him if you’re worried.

what you can’t do is breach his right to confidentiality.

Top post @RamblingEclectic You and your DS sound very sensible and pragmatic.

I have had a career of parents trying to use me (as a lecturer) to get to their DC. It is unpleasant to see parents doing this. If someone’s parenting is such that their DC are not contacting them, then that’s something for parents to reflect upon. Not to try to manipulate overstretched university staff.

We do have processes and practices to do with students who are not coping.

If you want to do something practical @Snowflake55 you can go to your DS’s university website and read about his department’s welfare and wellbeing policies. Find out who the department’s Senior Personal Tutor is. You can email that person and say you’re concerned that your son is not coping with university. The academic would be breaking the law to say anything about your son’s progress unless he has given written permission, but it will alert the department to check on the student.

My Faculty uses funds we don’t really have to employ people specifically to deal with the growing number of undergraduates who are not really equipped to be at university. I’d rather we could employ more teaching staff to actually teach, but hey go. Helicopter parenting seems to rule the roost.

The thing is, my relationship is with the student, not the parent. I’ve seen some pretty abusive parenting and its effects on my students. And I don’t know what abuse or manipulation might be going on when a parent contacts me. If I broke the law and gave a parent information - how do I know that I’m not doing harm to my student?

University staff are not a proxy for difficult relationships between parents and children.

When I was at uni, at the start of each semester the lecture theatres/halls were rammed. Then students stopped going and by the time the 2nd week in December, about a third of the students turned up. As the booklet we got in each module had the slides and chapters to read in the module core text.

I really think it depends on how the courses are funded. We pay for everything so in theory we should see if we are getting value for money and given and update in their well being /grades - I wouldn’t want to be paying for something they are failing at.

That said they are adults and mine call regularly and tell us about their assignments and grades.

I think the fact he’s hiding it is worrying and tells you all you need to know .

Look at how many drop out but still take their parents funding! How would they ever know if they are supporting an offspring who’s working full time and spends the weekend partying?

It's abundantly clear from your small paragraph why your son is avoiding telling you these things.

Cut the cord.

This. My child had poor attendance due to an eating disorder and depression which she hid from us cos she didn't want us to worry. I knew something was wrong but had no rights to know anything. The RG uni only seemed interested in getting their money - no pastoral care. In second year, she came home - no follow up, no interest from the uni. Once she recovered, she did an apprenticeship.
Not all 18 year olds are the same.

No you can't, he's an adult. You need to let go

Oh dear this really causes me concern. Young adults at university of course need treating as such,but if it goes wrong who picks up the pieces.i agree that young people need confidentiality but perhaps there should be some middle ground such as informing parents if a high proportion of lessons are missed or there are serious welfare concerns.

I'll add my parents didn't see my grades at 6th form either, the letting go starts before university and should be gradual. I never asked my dc once what their grades were at university, they told me if they wanted to. One dc does call me with her masters level assignment marks, the other tells me nothing, I respect their choices as adults.

If you have concerns for their wellbeing you can ask for a welfare check, they will not tell you grades but can tell you if they are failing to attend

Or maybe that’s because he is drowning and needs support instead.

You seem to forget this child has just move to the U.K., which will be like a foreign country to him.
He is in his own. No parents close by.

Ive been in that situation. Even with grand parents around (but still 100s of miles away) it’s HARD.
And the least I needed was to be left even more on my own.