How to check my child’s grades at a Uni?

[Snowflake55]

I am in despair as my son refuses to tell me if he is attending Uni at all, let alone to tell me how his grades are! I tried calling his Uni and all they say “it is confidential”. Do we parents have any rights in the UK to find out how our children are doing at a Uni? Thank you

You can’t check.

What makes you think he isn’t attending? Stuff like this does happen and then the parent finds out that the student fails or drops out but they are still liable for a years accommodation if no one takes over the contract. Especially if they have signed as guarantor with a private landlord.

Parent could be controlling or student could be awful. I worked in HE for almost 30 years and have seen all sorts kick off with young people away from home for the first time.

Wow, no way can you access them or should you be able to.

Your son is an adult, how weird that you would be trying to breach confidentiality and get his results. If he doesn't want to tell you, you can't force him - it's a shame and I know it's worrying, but no, you have no rights to know anything about it now he's an adult.

I understand your concern OP, and you're not totally unreasonable to think that if you are supporting your son financially you might be entitled to some information, but the fact of the matter is that you are not.
Some Universities are better than others on the pastoral care front so it can be very difficult for parents who have genuine concerns to raise them. The student union will have a welfare office I'm sure though so it may be worth approaching them. I doubt they will tell you the result of any contact that they have with your son as he is of course entitled to his privacy but they may be able to do a welfare check if you have reason to suspect there's a problem.
It's not easy. Whilst students are (mostly) over 18 and thus adults we know that young people of that age are often not fully mature and whikst being away from home in a new environment for the first time is a wonderful experience for many, it does also pose risks. Parents don't stop being concerned about their offspring the day they turn 18 but we do have to balance that concern against their right to privacy and autonomy and try not to cross the line from concern to intrusiveness.
Is there someone else that your DS trusts who he may be willing to talk to if he's not communicating much with you at the moment - an aunt, uncle or friend maybe?

And bear in mind they may not have grades yet, and often first year grades do not count towards final classification as long as they pass the year.

If I was giving him money I'd ask for proof before handing it over. I wouldn't be paying rent or whatever for someone to not work.

You might not think she has the right to know, but I think she does have the right to know if she funds her child.Who decides if someone has the right to know? Okay she may not have a right legaly.
I would feel moraly I would have the right to know if my child was not working hard ,if I was paying.
Everyone's situation is different ,I am currently funding my son's 7 year medical studies.I would not be so keen to fund it if he wouldn't tell me, he attends the lectures.I pay for housing, and food.
I do a very hard backbreaking job to pay for this.
So no I wouldn't be paying anymore if he sarted droping out and not going into lectures.Other people might feel differently but that's my take on it.

If you are subsidizing fees or costs, it’s up to you and your child to agree the terms of that funding- is your continuing to pay, contingent on them telling you grades/ maintaining attendance etc? Is it a gift for them to make the best of? Is it a loan you expect them to pay back in time, and you want an update on your investment?

Its absolutely nothing to do with the university to tell you, either way.

Unfortunately you can't check OP, as they will tell you he is an adult and you have no rights. Of course you do have to pay the bill for it - so I fully understand why you are asking.

I would advise having a calm, sit down talk with your DS. If he's not sharing with you it's possibly because it's not going well. I would find a way to have this convo because I paid for 3 years for one of my DC at uni, as it turned out they had allowed DC to fail first year by agreeing to the module DC failed in the second year (as an additional module). Then DC failed second year by agreeing to do the 3 modules (along with the rest of the course) in 3rd year. DC did nothing in third year beyond a few weeks work in the first term.

Outcome: DC has a full student loans for 3 years and I paid 3 years accommodation (between 10-13k each year) and gave DC monthly money for food etc as the course was considered too time consuming to work (STEM) and at the end all DC has is debt. Of course I would never begrudge DC money, but when you have to find that money and they end up with nothing apart from student loans (APR is also not low!) it's a not great. DC would have been better to drop out and get a job whilst decided what they really wanted.

How do you assess which 18 year olds need parental input and which don't?

What about those 18 year olds who are not supported by their parents, who have abusive parents and are trying to break free. How old will they be before they have the right to confidentiality?

It's the 18 year olds who need to be sharing this with their parents if the parents are financially supporting them.

It's always made me so frustrated that parents' income is part of the equation when it comes to funding. I absolutely agree that university students are adults and parents have no rights to info on grades/attendance, so then parental income should have nothing to do with what loans/grants they get.

No. As a lecturer at a university we are not even allowed to tell you if that student atends the uni let along anything like grades.

I left home at 18. Took a gap year (self funded), went to uni (self funded) and never returned home. I was a fully independent adult from 18. No way should my parents have had access to my personal data

You don’t have any rights to the data or to find if he is actually attending but there was a situation in my daughter’s uni house where they were worried about the effect on one of the girls on what they observed of her boyfriend’s deteriorating mental state (she was missing classes taking care of him and getting v anxious herself). They contacted the boy’s pastoral tutor, not to ask for info, but to state their concerns , for her ( the tutor ) ti do with as she saw fit. It culminated in the boy being collected by his family and entering inpatient treatment.

If you are concerned with something like this, ie he’s seriously not coping, then you could try this one way communication but don’t expect the tutor to reveal any confidential info back to you unless they need your cooperation. If you simply think he is partying too hard - that’s another matter. Some students can manage to scape by academically whilst learning to cope with being an adult away from home for the first time in an apparently chaotic manner, then pull it out of the bag when it mattered. I didn’t know of either of my daughters uni marks, apart from one embarrassed admission that of them had her essay being used as an example of how to construct an academic argument and they both volunteered their 2nd year results to discuss some 3rd year options.

A little compassion, please, people.

It's not unreasonable for a concerned parent to want to know if their child is succeeding at university, especially if they are making significant financial sacrifices to enable them to be there.

But the contract is between the university and the student so the university cannot give out any information to parents without the student's permission.

If you are genuinely worried about his welfare you should contact the student support team and ask them to perform a welfare check. They can (and should) check their attendance and engagement to see if there are any warning signs of MH issues. They won't necessarily pass back any information to you but they can then talk to the student.

On the other hand if he's just being a little shit and partying too hard then there's really nothing anyone can do!

Does your son have any particular vulnerabilities that make you concerned OP?

Kids might legally be an adult at 18 but it's ridiculous to think that they are suddenly completely autonomous, that their parents don't have to worry about what they're doing and they're suddenly fine to do whatever they like.

This is why good parents teach kids increasing independence and autonomy throughout their life. I don't think anyone is suggesting that kids go from getting their shoelace tied for them straight to independent living. It's a little disingenuous to suggest that's the case.

She can find out, by asking him. And he's refused to tell her, because he's a living breathing human, not some investment or commodity or pet.
It's nothing to do with the university if the relationship has broken down.

Why do you want to know Op? What’s your reasoning?
Are you finding it hard to break the apron strings?
I think you just need to step back and hope that you have a good enough relationship with your Son so that he tells you if anything is amiss. Otherwise just butt out

My best friends’ son has ASD and she suspected he was failing at Uni because he was failing to ask for the extra help available. They wouldn’t engage with her as a parent without his permission, which he didn’t give. He dropped out eventually and there wasn’t anything she could do about it. This isn’t high school OP. Uni will treat your son as the adult he is, and his grades are his own business.

OP I understand your frustration. It’s a difficult adjustment, going from parents evenings at school, to absolutely no information at university. And it’s made harder by the knowledge that a massive student debt is being racked up, as well as the considerable parental costs.

If you suspect your son is not attending or completing assignments, all you can do is speak to him about it. Point out that it’s fine to leave uni if he doesn’t feel it’s working for him, but remind him that the debt still has to be paid even if he doesn’t get a degree . And that if he continues to take money from you under false pretences, he’ll have to pay it back.

She doesn't have a right to know. It's a fact, not a grey area up for debate.

She may want to know, she may wish she had a right to know, she may decide to put conditions on her support with her DC, but she doesn't have a right to any information from the university. Which is as it should be.

You know his university won't talk to you.

I'd suggest that you talk to him (by message if necessary) like the adult he now is. Say you need some reassurance that he is at least attending lectures (I would not mention grades at all) and if he's struggling, for whatever reason, you want to help but you can't if he doesn't talk to you. Tell him that he's fully aware this is costing a great deal of money that cannot be recouped and how he would feel in your place. Above all, frame it as concern rather than a demand to know.

What year is he in? If he's a fresher he's only just started and there could be all sorts of things in play, including him thinking he's chosen the wrong course. You ned to find a way to get him to engage with you and when you do, listen rather than catastrophising.

ETA asking student services to check his welfare as suggested upthread is a good idea if you really can't get him to engage, but please don't expect feedback from them.

Agreed. My parents paid a lot toward my uni experience, so me “hiding” my results wasn’t allowed. I had to share my results to unlock further funding. If he wants to/already does fund his own way, fair enough—none of your business. If he’s expecting a carte blanche open Bank of Mum & Dad for 3 years with no accountability—no way.

This is a life lesson for him if you’re financially supporting him. I’m given access to hundreds and thousands of pounds at work for my projects. It’s not simply handed over over many years, and I’m left to do what I want, fail or succeed. I have to report back monthly…where has the money gone over the past month, and what have I achieved. If I fuck up, the funding will stop. It’s not a black hole to throw money into.

Completely agree with this.

This. But so many parents think it’s just an extension of private school.

When DS was setting up his apps etc he would be using for Uni he was going to leave it so we could log into it and see timetables, grades the lot. However we just didn't feel right about it. I can understand the vested interest part- we are contributing just under £10000 this year. But they are an adult and no longer need feel the need to be so involved and also assuming if he is struggling he'll come to us for advice or seek it at Uni.