How to check my child’s grades at a Uni?

[Snowflake55]

I am in despair as my son refuses to tell me if he is attending Uni at all, let alone to tell me how his grades are! I tried calling his Uni and all they say “it is confidential”. Do we parents have any rights in the UK to find out how our children are doing at a Uni? Thank you

@pointythings You did text though, didn’t you? I don’t know anyone who doesn’t text their university-aged child at least a couple of times a week -my DD is 19 so I know lots of parents in this situation. I find it hard to believe that a parent wouldn’t attempt to keep in touch somehow.

The grades are a different issue, that’s their business, although we’ve said to DD that if she’s really struggling with a class and needs to withdraw from it or needs some help, please let us know. But ultimately it’s up to her.

We do, we use attendance codes and an online system but even 30 years ago I had a paper registration I had to sign which was passed round a 200 person lecture hall.

You can’t control them through the university.

This.

It probably varies depending on institution, and possibly within institutions.

In my experience, lecture attendance is not recorded, but labs, seminars and tutorials etc are. Miss too many and it gets flagged.

Varies hugely, even within our school it varies.

We record lecture attendance, but in truth it's an easy system to cheat. And when attendance is woeful anyway it's hard to find the needle in the haystack that is the student who's actually struggling. That's why others were advising OP to email the course team or wellbeing office, but not to expect a reply.

Univesities will not reply or discuss with parents on their children, unless with their consent on case by case basis.

Except it is though. Its an adult who's taken a contract out with an institution or a business and is living away from home.

I would suspect he is setting boundaries. The fact this subject isn’t on the table and open for discussion is his way of saying “keep your nose out”. I would advise you to take the hint. He is a young man now, your son maybe but not your child.

No, parents have no rights over their children's info at uni, unless the student had signed a waiver at the beginning of their course (I worked in student support for 17 years. They are regarded as adults and the uni is right not to disclose any information for data protection reasons - the same as any other adult.

If you have concerns about his emotional wellbeing/mental health, you could raise your concerns with the uni. You won't get any feedback - they can't even tell you whether he is a student at the uni - but they should then have a chat with him if he's attending to check he's OK. They will likely tell him you're concerned - what he does with that info is up to him (and bear in mind he may not react as you hope of he's made aware that you've contacted the uni).

I empathise. I went through exactly the same with my own son. It comes at that very difficult time when our children are learning to be independent and we're learning to let them go. It's hard for both parties.

My son eventually got in touch and said he'd left two semesters previously. That was a really difficult thing for him to do as he was worried about my reaction (I'm ashamed to say I cried!). Just something to bear in mind - if your son is having a hard time and you're putting pressure on him about his grades you might inadvertently be pushing him away. If he has something to tell you, make it easy for him. Be supportive, and be prepared for whatever he has to say.

I feel for you, especially if you're paying the fee's!!

You really need to cut the apron strings now OP. He is an adult and he can choose whether he attends or not. If you are bankrolling the whole thing then more fool you.
I didn't get any money from my parents and worked to support myself through uni along with loans. I would have been abhorred if they were trying to check up on me at any point and would have felt that they had broken my trust.
Let him make his own way in life now you can't control him anymore. He is his own person.

My god I think you need to think about what youre doing a take a step back. You have no right to that, not do you deserve any. I think you need to take this as an opportunity to accept they have grown and this is a stepping stone to you being privvy to all aspects of their lives. Would you be asking their future boss for their performance reviews? Or their future partners on their relationships?

if you are contributing you still dont have the right to how their doing as thats how it is. Its like lending money but specifying where they can spend it. Now if you think theyre spending it elsewhere then you can pay the tuition yourself directly and if theyre not attending they’d be kicked out and wont continue to take your money.

I think him refusing to tell you gives you all the information you need to know

Now if you think theyre spending it elsewhere then you can pay the tuition yourself directly and if theyre not attending they’d be kicked out and wont continue to take your money.

@Whatsgoingon102 We’re in the US and we pay DD’s tuition directly to the university. We can’t see her grades, but presumably if she wasn’t enrolled in classes, we’d be informed that she was no longer enrolled.

Of course, that doesn’t help if they’re failing a class that they’re enrolled in, as you’re still liable for the tuition! But that’s the risk you take.

OP, are you on a joint bank account with him or are you a cosigner on a credit card that he uses? You can certainly look those statements if you’re concerned about what he’s doing with the money.

Wow! Such a harsh reply to a worried mum.

Wait what? I agree with you @RampantIvy . I called my DS everyday when he was at university. Yes it's more than most. But I think calling once a week is normal? Just because they are 18 and at university doesn't mean they stop being your child.

I think you have more to worry about than his attendance/non-attendance if he isn’t being honest with you!

If he was working, would you call his boss to find out how his most recent appraisal went?

@BluesBird19764 Can you imagine the reaction?! 🤣

If the OP is abroad though, he might be an international student and she could be paying hefty tuition - I can see why she’d be worried if it’s potentially going down the drain.

If she’s paying for his education, personally I think that he does owe her the courtesy of being honest if he’s struggling/not attending classes.

If he were working, it would be different as the OP wouldn’t be paying, iyswim.

I'm guessing after the results came out in August he is being evasive about them. Couple that with suspicions as to whether they have been attending uni is the reason for the question.

I agree with everyone else though there is no legal right to be given the info.

Maybe ask their friends....on the quiet.

Sometimes issues happen because there is no 'insensitivity'. Too much pandering going on all round.

And sometimes issues happen because some people are more vulnerable.

Given that the OP has said (in her second post) that her DS has some emotional difficulties and that she lives abroad, I don't think she is "pandering". She sounds concerned about her son's emotional well being.

Anyone who can't see this must be pretty hard hearted.

He does not want you to know, respect his wishes.
My brother hardly studied at school for exams, he was too busy on the social scene. He went to uni and decided to knuckle down and work. My mother was frantic that he would fail as he did not give any indication that he had changed. He wanted to take charge of his own life so she got no info from him.. He got a first. She stayed out of the way for me after that.

I wonder how many of the posters whose sentiments can be summarised as 'keep your nose out but the money coming' have ever had to stick their hand in their own pocket for tens of thousands of pounds for their child's university education?