How to check my child’s grades at a Uni?

[Snowflake55]

I am in despair as my son refuses to tell me if he is attending Uni at all, let alone to tell me how his grades are! I tried calling his Uni and all they say “it is confidential”. Do we parents have any rights in the UK to find out how our children are doing at a Uni? Thank you

Some incredibly insensitive posts here. Some young people are more vulnerable than others. Those of you with super capable kids shouldn't be attacking a parent with a struggling child. It is certainly a fact that university won't give out personal info but a bit of sympathy for the mother's predicament wouldn't hurt.

Oh, we have read what's being said. I read your posts right from the start; demeaning and combative towards university staff, who are bound to discretion for the safety of their students.

My husband had a scenario where an abusive parent repeatedly tried to disrupt a student's study. She was desperate for the grades, timetable, all sorts. DH (I've already written this once, but will repeat) had nearly died a year before, was disabled and learning to walk, and suffered massive PTSD. He threw himself into helping that student, he brought the stress home, and it made him unwell. So don't you dare act like lecturers don't care. So many of them are working their arses off to make lives better, and their own lives suffer in the process.

Your half hearted "apology" is very weak, but I hope it's more true to how you actually think than the earlier posts.

Parents are paying for rent and sometimes food.
Yes it does matter when you went to Uni because the cost of living is very high now, and rent or accomodation is a lot more than before.
Wonderful that you managed to pay for yoursellf.
Of course it's not silly if you are funding a child to want to know they are using your resources wisely.
I have other dependants so if my child was refusing to contact me like the OP's child I would logicaly need to know, eventially using the money in other ways and not supporting someone who was dropping out.
Now I would want to support my child but not to stay in this situation if it was not working out.
I suppose the Op should try and find out why her son is not communicating with her about his studies.

Of course the cost of living has gone up. It was going up when I was in university too, and it wasn't 30 years ago.

If a parent is choosing to support their child financially, well and good. And I understand that they may well have financial issues too. But that doesn't mean they're entitled to private details. If their children aren't being open and honest, there are other ways to solve that other than demanding information from a university or withdrawing all finance because they can't get their way.

Mutual respect is important. But just as I doubt any parent here would offer up their bank details, work performance reviews, and medical records to adult DC, adult DC shouldn't be expected to do the same. I do think more communication would be good. But that's for OP and other parents to solve, on adult terms, not by withdrawing rent and food money as though it's pennies for sweeties and the DC are 10. Or harassing the university for private information.

I didn't apologise to you.I do think you come across as viscious know it all.x
I do not live in the uk.
Other uni staff, sorry if I've been combatitive or demeaning good luck with the rest of the uni year.

No I didn't say you apologised to me personally. I said it was a vague half hearted apology - or what could be taken as one, concerning university staff.

Calling me a know it all just because I know more than you about this topic just proves that you're really rather worked up. I'd perhaps avoid topics you know nothing about next time, or maybe think your arguments through.

And again..I'm not uni staff. So I don't know why you're implying that I am.

He might well have dropped out my cousin did and didn't tell her mum all year. All you can do is stop financial support until you see evidence he's still going to uni.

And actually, I wasn't even talking about you apologising! I quoted an entirely different poster. Perhaps read the thread. You're only talking to one person.

Have you ever met or communicated with any of his friends from Uni - or even close friends from school? If I were genuinely concerned I would reach out to a few of them and discuss your concerns. It may be they can't help you but I would imagine it would prompt at least one of them to contact your son and perhaps come back to you with some sort of update. I went incommunicado with my parents for several years around Uni time and eventually a friend from school managed to contact me and relay a message home. That was in the 80's so no mobile phones and by then I was living abroad! Good luck!

It depends whether you're talking about the loans suppiled by Student Finance England, for example, which are deducted from graduates' salaries once they're earning a certain amount, I think it may be £23k currently. Maintenance loans are assessed based on parental income... some parents can help a fair bit, others less so, most students have part time jobs too as the maintenance loans are a drop in the ocean for current rents, cost of energy, food etc. So well done you for getting loans and bursaries to cover all that... bursaries are rarer than rubies these days, dome degree apprenticeships work well for some students on some courses, such as engineering, but they are competitive, not distributed like smarties. Most parents eant to ensure tbeir student offspring can eat and have a roof over their heads, surprisingly, so in that sense, of course they have to contribute. I note you googled to ensure you had the right information, it sounds as if your own experience was back in the day a bit

You don't really know anything much do you?
You don't have uni aged kids have not worked in the field, got a bursary mmm many years ago.Just a smug know it all.

Well @DreamyCyanFinch as someone who does work in the field, I can tell you that @GiddyRobin is talking sense.

And hasn't resorted to ad hominem abuse instead of discussion and argument.

Yes of course you're right she talking so much sense.From her experience years ago and from her husband's experience .If you say she does that must be right.
She knows exaclty what it like because she doesn't have any children.
You know as well because ypu work somewhere at a university.
She's still very smug.

She absolutely is talking sense. I don't think she's coming across as smug at all but I guess that's subjective.

18yos don't have to be in education. It's difficult for a worrying parent, but if the 18yo moved away for work they would be reliant on their DC staying in touch to monitor their health and wellbeing. Students actually have far more resources for help than the non student population.

Lovely approach I don't think... you just let your troubled adult child sink, homeless, failing, flailing... potentially. Jeez. I imagine you probably don't have children, not asking, just a surmise

You have no rights. It is none if your business

Do people really think like this about their own kids when they are worried about them, even when young adults, or is it just a way to have a go on line,

@Losingthetimber
'Do people really think like this about their own kids when they are worried about them, even when young adults, or is it just a way to have a go on line'

Yes, I agree some of the unkindest, strangest, completely lacking empathh for a wortied mum posts I have ever seen
Wondering if these peoole are bots or trolls or something, I don't know, it's very sad

Goodness me, this is still going on! I'm almost flattered that two of you are still so worked up and putting so much energy into curating a whole personality (and life!) for me. I didn't say I didn't have children; I do. Not university aged, no, but I do know plenty about university policy, and plenty about how to treat people if you want to be treated with respect in turn. It's also been agreed across the board that it was decades and decades ago I went to university...which again, I didn't say. I didn't just do an undergrad either; I was there for a long time, and tutored alongside my career job.

I'm not smug - I'm correct. This is me being smug, if you'd like to see that? Earlier I was explaining something and offering experience. If that's something you two have insider knowledge on, I'd be more than happy to read it.

And yes! I do Google things before I post. I don't fancy wasting time in a circular debate over something that isn't true. Which is what this is becoming anyway, as all you're both doing is resorting to insults. Or what I assume you think are insults (I quite like know it all. Very Hermione Granger.). 😁

Anyway, unless there's anything interesting to be said, I'm going to go and have a nice bath and a glass of wine!

(And thank you to the PP who've kindly defended me while offline! I hope you have fab nights. )

I really think that is what you need to tell yourself if the thought of contacting your child's uni even enters your head. Of course you care, but that is such a massive overstep it is unreal.

It's the same as if the child had a job the other end of the country. You wouldn't contact their boss to check their work is okay, or their attendance is okay.

You can ask the university to do a welfare check, or go and visit your child if you are genuinely worried but you have no right to know how they are performing academically

It’s really not the same. Not even close.

In what way is it different?

Why not? Genuinely.

But it is. Why would a university give out information on an adult? Why does a university have more responsibility for an adult than an employer?

I remember the shock of going to university and being on a study visits. The accompanying lecturers explaining we were adults and if anything happened we were on our own. They were there to teach not to babysit. They would be in the pub every night and if we got hurt or wound up in jail it was on us.

Parents Need to accept the transition to adulthood. If you have an arrangement with your adult child that you pay for university it is with the adult child not the university. You can’t control them through the university.