DD depressed she didn't get into Cambridge

[alannacarter]

Hi All,

Need some advice here please. My daughter applied to do Maths at Cambridge this year but got rejected after interview. She did a summer internship at St John's College and was hopeful she would have a chance but is now beyond distraught at the outcome. She had the results since Jan/Feb I think and has been really down since. She now believes people need to be geniuses to get in and that she is just not good enough for Maths. She got an offer from Warwick but is super high at AAA* and offers from Manchester and Liverpool. She didn't go to good schools and we unfortunately didn't know better at the time. Still she works super hard and is predicted good results, just don't know if enough for Warwick, fingers crossed. I don't know if this is a teenager thing but how can I get Cambridge out of her head? She just thinks she is not good enough in general. Thank you.

She'd have needed two A stars and an A for St Johns, so if she's worried about getting A A A* maybe cambridge wasn't right for her? Warwick is supposed to be amazing for maths. But I know it's tough - I would go with just some universities and some people aren't the best fit and often works out for the best

It's so tricky isn't it. It feels like a games in which we don't know the rules.
I have a similarly fed up child. She is trying to think that all things happen for a reason, and that fate will play a hand.

My brother did maths at Warwick after he was rejected from cambridge and said his entire class were "Cambridge rejects" the university lecturers even laughed about it!

When my DS didn’t get into Oxford - he got an offer but dropped a grade - he (and I) were gutted. But someone said to me, not unkindly, that it doesn’t do anyone any favours to scrape into Oxbridge - the standard is so high and no one wants to arrive feeling like they got in by the skin of their teeth.

He has thrived at Bristol and after the initial upset realised there’s lots of other excellent unis in the UK.

Many people go to Oxbridge for postgrad too so all is not lost if she sees further study on the horizon.

Thank you. I meant AAA* for Warwick. Mistyped without realising :)

Don't know what is happening but post won't let me! Meant 3 x A*s :)

Ah I see, that's a huge offer.

she needs to touch grass, and tell her that.

i had a student go to Cambridge for maths last year I think she'd agree it is mostly only for geniuses. She is probably at the lower end of their intake ability wise and was v much considering Warwick as a great alternative. All of the unis you mentioned are amazing aren't they! But hard to explain that to a disappointed DC

Without sounding callous. Things happen for a reason, she’s obviously a very bright girl.
As her parent, give her some perspective, she’s healthy, has friends and many more opportunities than most.
Parenting isn’t easy, neither is dealing with disappointment. Support her

The Cambridge boat has sailed and sunk, but she has had offers from three excellent Universities, she needs to focus on that and decide which to go for.

Did she visit her offers, which ones excited her, which campus did she like the best, which will be easier to get to, which city offers most to a student?

I think it is hard on the kids who have always managed to do well academically at school, often their University rejection is the first time they have come up against academic problems, it seems personal, though it really isn’t, it is often a numbers thing, and it hurts.

I work in a role where I hire Cambridge math grads (amongst others) and only the top quartile ones at that. They are extraordinarily gifted, yet even they talk about being humbled by the others that they encounter there. Several have described being easily the most gifted in their school / town / region and then arriving at Cambridge to realise they could never compete with some of their classmates. I don’t hear the same for other subjects, this is specifically the math Tripos at Cambridge. I am normally one to encourage aiming up but would agree that if your DD didn’t meet the standard that it would likely be very stressful being there.

By contrast, and much more anecdotally as it was a long time ago, I did my undergrad (not math) at Warwick and had an absolute ball. It was hard to get in but some of the best years of my life 🙂

Surrounding something with stars makes it bold text.

Like this

You've been turning the middle A bold 😁

My Ds did the same, waited a year reapplied and didn’t get in again. He then
went to warwick and hasn’t looked back, sometimes being very fixed on one goal isn’t the best. Support her, yes she feels disappointed right now but stress that life is an adventure with lots of twists and turns that we can’t plan.

If she's really set on it, couldn't she have another go next year? I got into Oxbridge on my second attempt.

Thank you. So glad your DS is happy in Bristol. Agree, I think she would have had a real hard time if she just about got in.

Haha! Thank you! It's my first post here so learned something new!

Good point. This is her first big disappointment and hit really hard. Oxbridge reject so many good people. Hoping she can get to Warwick but I'm sure she will eventually be happy wherever she lands.

Cambridge Maths is extremely tough and tbh not great for mental health. Warwick is excellent with superb career and research opportunities.

It isnt a binary choice of Cambridge or too rubbish for maths. But they can know that intellectually and still not feel it inside. Its tough for them.

That's so good to know, thank you. She didn't like Warwick at first but went to the offer holder day and decided that she likes the place. Problem now will be getting the grades required and seems to be better for Maths than her other offers but fingers crossed. Great to hear that you had a great time at Warwick!

I went to the open day with DD in Cambridge and the professors there mentioned quite a few times that they don't like gap years for Maths. They seem to prefer to keep the momentum from A-Levels. She is also worried that she could be rejected a second time and lose the opportunity at Warwick as to try Cambridge for a 2nd time she would have to have 3 x A*s anyway. Didn't help that she went straight for St John's College either. Tough one!

we unfortunately didn't know better at the time.

I don't know quite what this means - that you've failed her in some way? Hope you don't think that as it's clearly not the case. She's done exceptionally well and has aimed for the highest possible target. Just because she didn't make that doesnt remotely mean she's not done well. She's bound to be disappointed but it's like being disappointed not to get a gold medal. Not everyone can and it's no bad thing to deal with getting a rejection. She's still got some great offers and needs to take a beat and get her head around the glass half full side of things. This could be the making of her if she takes it well. All it means is that some people were better. It doesn't mean they're geniuses or that they'll be more happy or successful. She's bright enough to come to understand that, but it's not down to her going to the wrong school so don't dwell on that. Focus on getting her to choose the right uni instead.

I’m interested in how well rounded these candidates are? And are they a good fit in the workplace?

I don’t mean to jump on stereotypes by making out anyone who is good at maths is some kind of geeky loner ( I did physics at uni with a large maths component)

but anyone who excels in a particular area ( whether it’s sport , music or academia) has by definition, devoted a lot of time to the pursuit of it. It sometimes means other life skills and experiences aren’t developed.

obviously there are careers that are focused on maths, but surely not that many?

OP- unless your daughter has her heart set on academia, I would imagine a pure maths degree from any good university is just as valuable in the workplace. It’s impressive and very much in demand.

I think it’s pretty normal to be upset about not getting into Oxbridge - it’s a big prize and if she was in touching distance it’s going to be a bit gutting.

Don’t overthink it, just tell her everyone experiences failure and it may well not be right for her at this stage. Go somewhere else good and enjoy it. Don’t mope about it or you’ll miss out on life etc etc

It’s generally easier to get into Cambridge as a post grad, so there’s always that.

My DD was very, very disappointed not to get an Oxford offer last year. She had had her heart set on going there for a few years. Not helped by the fact that another student in her year did get an offer for the same course. She admits now that she really lost motivation and enthusiasm for a good couple of months after her "rejection" (as she saw it) and couldn't see the point of bothering to study so hard anymore. Anyway, after a good deal of moping around and feeling sorry for herself, she did eventually pick herself up, dust herself off and choose another university from her offers, despite thinking she could never be happy anywhere other than Oxford.

In hindsight I am incredibly relieved that she didn't get an offer. Her stress levels went through the roof in the run up to and during A-level exams and I genuinely don't think she would have coped with the added pressure of an Oxford offer hanging over her.

She is now just about to head back to Birmingham (which was her firm, choosing it over Warwick after the offer holder days) for the end of her first year. She absolutely loves it there, has an incredible social life and thriving academically. For a girl who could only ever see herself at Oxford it's quite the turn around - she now says not getting an offer was the best thing that ever happened to her 😂