Parents’ WhatsApp Group vile comments

[MadeleineMummy]

i am a member of my year’s WhatsApp group and one of the parents has posted rather a vile comment about one of the teachers. The child got a bad mark and the parent said she looked at the homework and the questions were ambiguous and badly worded. She then had a rant at the (rather young) teacher and said that she told her daughter that the teacher was an idiot and to ignore her. I posted that this was not an appropriate thing to say and would undermine the discipline in the school. Then several other women started having a go at me also stating concerns with the teacher due to her harsh marking and strictness. They said the WhatsApp group was the place to discuss concerns about the teacher and if I did not like it, I could leave the group.

I think the comments are inappropriate but also find the group invaluable for school issues, last minute changes and information about trips etc. but I find a small group of women seem to have taken over the group to rant about one teacher and victimise her. My child says she is strict but likes her as she is a good teacher and she loves the subject.

I feel like telling the teacher or the school as I have taken screenshots of the conversations, the comments are pretty bad and includes stuff about her personal life along the lines of (“she obviously needs a good shag”, “She looks like a frump”, etc). Do you think it would create a bad feeling if I share this with her? I also don’t know what it would achieve if I broach this with the school but I think that undermining a teacher is the most appropriate use of the whatsApp parents group.

what should I do?

You're very brave to have done this, OP. I would like to think I would have done the same but honestly wouldn't have had the balls.

People talking about not "snitching" are being pathetic. Yes it's fine to let off steam a bit and discuss teachers in private but bitchy personal remarks are just obnoxious and I don't know how anyone can feel this is justified.

On the other hand I don't see what good can come out of having a big fight with these people: I would honestly just gracefully bow out of the thread. I wouldn't want anything to do with these people, they sound like arseholes.

In my last school a parent was banned from contacting any of us, from coming to parents' evenings, and from coming within a 500m radius of the school grounds.

I'm sorry, but that would take an actual court order. Which would need a proper crime to have been committed and for the parent to have been charged in court. In what world can a Head Teacher 'ban' a parent from contacting any other parent or walking down a street because they were shitty on a Whatsapp group??

And if there was no criminal activity and no police involvement, exactly how would a headteacher be enforcing all of that? Most headteachers would be unable to enforce a child from doing any of that let alone an adult.

The teacher will find out. Perhaps by the child saying 'My mum and all her friends say 'you're stupid and I can ignore you' or someone else will tell her. It's better if the Head knows first and can support her.

Of course the teacher will be affected.

An increase of emails from parents questioning her choices and decisions, fuelled by the vile abuse they've been reading and participating in on the WhatsApp group.

An increase of students behaving disrespectfully because parents have been gossiping and bitching about her at home, fuelled by the WhatsApp group.

This kind of behaviour will have a knock on effect that she absolutely will feel.

I don't know why you seem to want to make this out to be more benign than it is.

Parents have always bitched about teachers. The only difference now is that it’s in WhatsApp groups rather than at the playground gates or on the phone.

Unless the WhatsApp group is an official one that’s been set up by the school, the head teacher cannot “call the parents in” to bollock them. There is no authority to do that. Parents aren’t required to explain their private comments to a head teacher - and they are private because a WhatsApp group isn’t public, you have to be invited.

I agree the comments sound horrible, and deeply misogynistic. Maybe she’s a good teacher, maybe she isn’t. Either way it doesn’t justify those kinds of comments. Very unpleasant.

But all of that doesn’t mean the school has any right to dictate conversations between parents. If parents are rude to the teacher’s face then fair enough, the HT would be right to step in.

I have two autistic DC and I’m part of a WhatsApp group with other SEN parents. There’s a paediatrician who has a reputation for being nasty and difficult. We saw him for my DD and although he was very blunt, I thought he was fine. Other parents have had very different experiences, with this doctor apparently blocking treatment and referrals etc. There’s a LOT of bad feeling towards him and there are lots of very unpleasant comments. Should I be sending him copies of these comments? Or someone higher in the hospital? Imo that would be ridiculous. And going to the head teacher is exactly the same principle.

Providing it doesn’t affect their interactions with the teacher, and it’s not an official group, parents are entitled to express their views, even if they are unpleasant.

I haven't said it's benign.

Undermining is worse (for the kids). Bullying is just about how it makes the teacher feel. You'll get much more traction if you call it what it is.

The parents don't have a responsibility to be the teacher's friend. They do have a responsibility to support their children's education, which this is not.

If you go to the Head claiming that this is bullying, you'd just get a raised eyebrow. The teacher isn't being specifically bullied - no more than if the kids were griping about her behind their backs (which is a totally normal part of teaching).

Thank god our kids school doesn't have any of these groups ( or maybe they do and I've just not been invited!)

I probably wouldn't say anything to the school, but I would just leave the group. I've got no time for bitchiness like that and the school send out emails for important dates etc anyway.

It's no bloody wonder that so many young teachers leave education. Such misogyny as well "needs a good shag" 🙄.

Well said

WhatsApp conversations are noting to do with the school, you can repeat what has been said on there but all that would achieve would be upsetting the teacher. I usually find there to be someone linked to the school or teacher on the class group though, it will be someone’s friend or relative of a teacher and will get back to them somehow anyway.

‘Snitch’ how old are you?? I wonder if a load of kids start picking on your child and someone stood up for them you’d call them a snitch? 🤔

Is there any reason why you're being so aggressive?

I am a teacher. The parent in question was banned from contacting any of the teachers directly, through our work email addresses. If they did, we had to forward all correspondence directly to the Headteacher and not engage. I didn't say they were banned from contacting other parents. You misread my post. Of course they have no control over a parent's personal correspondence!

The parent in question was banned from entering the school premises because of abusive behaviour to staff. The Headteacher is absolutely able to ban anyone from the school grounds. Schools are private property. It's the same as a customer being banned from entering a shop if they repeatedly abuse staff.

The 500m radius of school grounds was enforced in court, yes, as far as I know, due to an instance of physical abuse from the parent to a staff member.

Not exactly the same situation as a WhatsApp group, but I gave this example to illustrate the fact that Heads can and do have powers to keep parents away from school sites and from contacting staff, for the safety of their staff and students, if policies are breached and a parent is seen to pose a safety risk to staff.

Can you set up a nicer group and invite the non asshole parents? Our school has two groups - one nasty and one nice. I left the horrible one though DH is still in it and confirms they continue to moans and bitch about pretty much anything and everything.

I think you did the right thing in calling them out in the group.

I wouldn't, however, be sharing those nasty SS with said teacher. Would be awful to read such things about yourself!

I'm not sure I'd tell the head either as I'm not sure what they'd do? Probably send out email reminders about talking to the school if they have any issues? That's probably what would happen at ours.

I'd leave the group, block and get on with things. I've never been involved a class WhatsApp group and have managed perfectly fine with 3 children in school.

I agree with you OP. This is really inappropriate and I wouldn't want to associate myself with it. You should be able to gripe about the school but these comments weren't just complaining. They were very personal and misogynistic. I would state as such then leave. Would this be considered hateful and abusive if they said it to the teacher's face? In which case they get what's coming to them if they put it in writing

If your school is anything like mine OP they would certainly be interested in vile messages on a parents WhatsApp and would deal with it.

On at least 2 occasions that I know of parents have been called into the school about their behaviour and one parent who was heavily involved in the PTA and was kicked off PTA and not allowed inside school premises again.

However, if you do report these parents, they will know it is you because of you calling them out on their messages so I suggest you leave the group and have nothing to do with them going forward.

It's not a question of courage. It's a question of choosing your battles. What can you do with parents like this? What exactly is it your responsibility to do? As for the PP who claims the headteacher must be told, and it's his/her responsibility to decide how to deal with it: I'm curious - not in a confrontational sense but in terms simply of practicalities - to know how you believe this should be dealt with. A snotty/shaming letter is hardly going to be worth the paper it's written on when dealing with immature, spiteful coteries like this. It's enough that teachers have to maintain discipline and 'crowd control' the kids in their schools; is it now expected that they should attempt to do this with parents as well?

Speaking up might well have been morally commendable, but sadly there's only one way this was going to end up. Getting involved in school parenting politics is a waste of time, breath and good energy.

We had something like this in our year-group WhatsApp parents chat during COVID lockdown. Up until then all people posted on there was this week's spellings someone had lost, but allegedly some parents were meeting other families on their walks. Particular Parent spots this and issues queenly rebuke to the whole Whatsapp group, which included a few nurses. A snotty memo comes out from the school a week later reminding people of The Rules laid down by government and how irresponsible people were being for putting their teachers at further risk.

I was not one of the offending families and don't know which were - I have acquaintences but not close friends in the village - nor was I about to judge how difficult others were finding lockdown, nor appointing myself neighbourhood police, nor tattling to the school, nor getting involved in any way whatsoever with this childish BS. Gossip is not for me.

I simply muted the group and made no further contributions to it for the rest of that academic year.

OP, I think your only real option is to leave the group, step back from the situation, and concentrate on your own life, career and friends away from the school. I know there's a side to all of us which says 'why should these bullies win?' But they have no power here, and if Spiteful Mum does take it up with the school most headtachers can competently deal with her sort. Personally, I'd rather have a hard marker than the reverse: I expect standards.

These people are not worth your attention.

Whistleblow it anonymously.

It's not something I would usually advise but that is disgraceful behaviour.

I would totally speak up in that situation but if other parents don't have the balls to back you, and you are getting nowhere, that would personally be my next move.

Is there a policy on their website about what's app groups? We have one for my ds sports squad but there's a policy around its use because the club set it up.

That's where I'd start

My Head teacher banned a parent from school premises for threatening remarks made to me in person. The parent went to the LA Div Office (many years ago) the Head told them what she'd said and they supported her. It can be done.

You don't need to know what the Head can do before informing her about it. She can decide that based on the evidence she has been presented with.

Oh good grief,just leave the group.

I'm in the really difficult position of being a teacher in my kids' school. I was in a WhatsApp group as it was for asking if anyone had come home with Johnny's jumper, is it a pe day etc. totally innocent.
That is how it started...
I had to come out of it as it was really affecting my mental health. People calling all the teacher (including me) lazy.
Tagging me in posts and asking my opinion on certain kids - like I would it could post anything about certain "characters"
Another time, the messages weren't aimed at me but spoke about wanting to lynch my colleague because she wouldn't move a kid's reading group. It was ridiculous. I truly hope they were just saying it without actually thinking through what it meant and what they were suggesting.
Even when I wasn't in the group though, we always found out when people were being vile.
Quite a few people were asked to come and speak to the ht. Some kept going and were told they couldn't come to parent events as a result of their behaviours.
Some morons held my job against my kids, they didn't get invited to parties/play dates purely because I was their mum. That was shit.
However, both of my kids have survived and now wouldn't choose to be friends with most of the offspring of the worst offenders. It appears they started copying their mums' behaviours and they aren't very nice people.
I know they are still probably slagging me off but I'm better not knowing personally. I do appreciate people letting management know when someone has posted something vile though.

Poor teacher - honestly some people can be so horrible.
Just put the situation down to life experience, leave the group on what's app
And don't escalate the situation by going to the head. Have nothing more to do with it !

I agree it’s not nice and what’s more worrying is that they all turned on you - basically bullying you. I’d be worried about that mentality amongst my child’s parents. I don’t know at all whether to let the school know, others may have better ideas about that.

My kids school had a social media policy for parents that was signed when they started - this would definitely be against the terms (basically telling a a professional that they can’t do their job).

I guess you just have to weigh up how willing you are to stick your neck out for the teacher.

Honestly, entitled parents who have bred badly behaved, impolite children are the absolute worst part of teaching.