Parents’ WhatsApp Group vile comments

[MadeleineMummy]

i am a member of my year’s WhatsApp group and one of the parents has posted rather a vile comment about one of the teachers. The child got a bad mark and the parent said she looked at the homework and the questions were ambiguous and badly worded. She then had a rant at the (rather young) teacher and said that she told her daughter that the teacher was an idiot and to ignore her. I posted that this was not an appropriate thing to say and would undermine the discipline in the school. Then several other women started having a go at me also stating concerns with the teacher due to her harsh marking and strictness. They said the WhatsApp group was the place to discuss concerns about the teacher and if I did not like it, I could leave the group.

I think the comments are inappropriate but also find the group invaluable for school issues, last minute changes and information about trips etc. but I find a small group of women seem to have taken over the group to rant about one teacher and victimise her. My child says she is strict but likes her as she is a good teacher and she loves the subject.

I feel like telling the teacher or the school as I have taken screenshots of the conversations, the comments are pretty bad and includes stuff about her personal life along the lines of (“she obviously needs a good shag”, “She looks like a frump”, etc). Do you think it would create a bad feeling if I share this with her? I also don’t know what it would achieve if I broach this with the school but I think that undermining a teacher is the most appropriate use of the whatsApp parents group.

what should I do?

Don't share it. The teacher will feel horrible if she sees the comments.

I'm a teacher. I once became the victim of a group of mean mums for an entire year. I could do nothing right and they said some vicious things about the way I look, etc, that I still think of sometimes and it still really hurts. I wish the 'helpful' parent who shared with me had not done so. Instead, I would have appreciated it if she had gone to the head to complain about their behaviour.

They sound toxic. Probably vengeful too.

If you were feeling particularly brave, could you ask what are the things that the teacher could improve that you could take to the school? “Ok so if everyone is in agreement, then shouldn’t we speak with the school about it so she can improve? In which case, what are the main issues?”

Alrhough tbh I think whether or not I did anything would depend on my kid’s ability to take flak. DD could probably take it and we’d go for it, DS, probably not so I would lie low.

psychcentral has some interesting info about such people…

“Much of the female sociopath’s manipulation is channeled through relational aggression, which involves damaging someone’s social relationships or reputation to destroy ones sense of self. In the realm of female friendships, female narcissists especially are always looking to protect themselves against outside threats that may overtake their “Queen Bee” status in the cliques they create.
That is why they underhandedly bully their chosen victims (usually those they perceive to have something they covet) by excluding them from social groups, pitting people against them, accusing them of things they did not do, spreading rumors or gossip, slandering or smearing them and also creating rivalries among people. That way, their victims are unable to gain validation or support for the abuse they’re experiencing.”

I think.you could tactfully just say on the group what you've said here. I.e. yes you agree discussing a teacher in a respectful manner is OK if there's clearly issues and school should be notified of those issues by those who have them. But the terminologally used ' needs a good shag etc..' is wholly inappropriate for a school watsapp group of parents and shouldn't be used as personal slander against teacher. But you'll stay on the group as there's no issue re discussing the teacher just the manner in which is being done. And then soften it by saying you find the group useful for etc etc and don't think a select few should ruin it for all the parents who find it a useful group. ..."

Also is there no parent rep on ur chat OP because it's them that usually manage the admin of the chats. But those comments sound awful coming from those parents it's no.wonder their kids are probably not flourishing at school being taught stupid stuff at home more like not in class!

I agree with this. It might have been OK to report if you'd said nothing on the group, although as a teacher poster said it'll probably be upsetting for the teacher to hear the bitching about them.

Mothers are essentially the guardians of the next generation and serve to preserve society by instilling the correct values in their offspring who will take up the mantle of preserving the human race

Men need to step up to this too, you know. Otherwise that's a lot of pressure you are putting on women, you know, the whole 'preserving the human race' thing. Whilst all men are responsible for is what? Taking the bins out and getting things of high shelves?

Teacher here. I was very wary when my two were younger at being on WhatsApp groups and barely got involved. I was lucky in the fact that most of the comments were solely to do with practical matters like 'remember PE is on Tuesday this week' etc. I've heard of toxic groups in the past where things have progressed. I think I'd inform the Head Teacher and leave the group after a few weeks. I made an active decision not to join any groups now my two are at secondary as that would be far too close to home. As a pastoral tutor as well as teacher I've also spent far too much time unpicking this sort of nonsense on messaging apps/ social media that then have affected students at school. It's such a drain!

WhatsApp is absolutely not the place for discussing/ slagging off school staff. Those complaints should be put before the head teacher.

OP you sound lovely the others on the chat: vile.

@CommonOrNot

You may not think so but if someone posts something potentially libellous, then they shouldn't be surprised if someone takes legal action against them. I wouldn't hesitate to do so, if it was me.

Freedom of speech is not a get out of jail card for posting nasty stuff intending to damage the professional reputation of the local school teachers.

It still amazes me how unaware some parents are of their responsibilities online. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's all very well saying they should be able to discuss things as mums but it's not constructive to go beyond "Does anyone else's child say that miss x is a bit too strict? My daughter was upset today"

Sounds like they got too personal and nasty. I would have left the group and not wanted to upset the teacher by showing her anything. I'm not sure what the school could do.

You are one of those peoples who called people snitches fir calling out bullies thereby highlighting the fact that obviously YOU were the bully. You are completely in the wrong. Calling out bad behaviour is what we should be promoting not allowing vile and nasty bullying to continue. Of course that kind of ruins your bullying doesn't it.

These parents are whipping up a sort of hatred towards one teacher then when called in it have turned on the OP. Classic nasty bullying behaviour designed to prevent other reasonable people from speaking out

This needs stamping out. These vile parents like you obviously were never brought into line when they were kids. No reasonable person would think this was acceptable behaviour

Your options are not managing oneself. They are being weak and spineless in the face of bullies.

If the comments are limited to allegations of frumpiness, obviously not. But it sounds as if this group is going well beyond that.

And your post is starting to sound like bullying.

The poster didn’t say that the messages themselves were illegal, but that the contents of WhatsApp messages can indeed be used as evidence in a court of law. So no, you can’t say exactly what you want in a WhatsApp message, particularly if it breaks the law.

I live in France. We have some me very good and kind French friends. They have two teenage daughters- aged 17 and just 15. The elder daughter was adopted from
Haiti when she was 2.

i have recently realised that both girls do not use deodorants - neither does their mother.

I have two daughters, both in their forties, and I successfully steered them through puberty. My elder daughter has three boys and the younger has a daughter of 12/13 and she has obviously given her advice about deodorants and periods.

I really want to give my French friends advice about their teenagers but hesitate to do so.

What do other Gransnetters feel?

I think you need to start your own thread!

What I would suggest getting them a book about puberty and try to be as delicate as possible. No one wants to be told that they smell. Maybe ask if they want to go shopping and suggest buying smellies that include deodorant, perfume and cleansers and show them how to use it.

School isn't just about academic learning though. IF there is a genuine issue with this teacher, & there might be, that's what I'd do , personally speaking, steer them to go to the school & address it through the normal channels. If I couldn't be arsed I'd just leave the group chat.

I’m baffled by the amount of people saying the school should be informed?

The bitchy parents sound nasty, and I thing it’s great that you stood up to them in the chat, but… what does it have to do with the school?! What’s the headteacher gonna do if you tell her?!

It’s a free country and people are entitled to say bitchy things as long as it’s not bullying or inciting violence. Presumably nobody is actually bullying this teacher… they’re just bitching behind her back. It’s not nice, and I wouldn’t be friends with these people, but it’s not like it’s a reportable offence???

If the teacher found out she’d be hurt, and if the head found out I guess the most she could do is say… please be nice in your private chats?? But it’s nothing to do with her really, and she can’t police what people want to say amongst themselves.

@TheBerry not sure what you are used to but at my school, there's no way anyone would say 'she needs a shag' about our teacher. Honestly, id be considering moving schools if this was the kind of parents there.

Oh I agree that it’s horrible. I wouldn’t want anything to do with those women. All I’m saying is it’s not something to report to the school???

As a teacher I'd tell you to tell the headteacher not the teacher involved. Things like this are soul destroying and the parents should be told to stop!

It’s not you who is behaving like that 5yr old tale teller, you have a genuine concern for the good standard of education being taught in the school and they don’t like it tough!!
Report there comments to the head directly the school authority if you want but decent teachers are hard to come by, and a group of hags who got nowhere shouldn’t be allowed to drive them out 🙄😱😡
Maybe if some people spent as much time helping their children with their education /homework as they did gossiping and slandering the decent teachers, and one another then they would see a greater improvement in their children’s learning! 🙄😡
Another reason why teachers are so overwhelmed these days! What is it with these lazy bone idle parents who don’t understand how to potty train their kids before they start pre school? We grandparents had to or you didn’t get a place SIMPLE AS!

DD's school has WAGs for each year group.

One of them had some unpleasant things written about some teachers - nothing like as bad as examples the OP has given.

All the groups were sent a message asking people to think about how things were phrased, to approach school directly about individual problems and consider how we might all feel if the staff had a WAG discussing parents in similar terms.