Wrong decision for school choice

[Suzebear]

Good evening, I don't want my query to annoy or anger anyone with what I'm asking. I honestly don't know if I'm seeking reassurance or advice. So school choices were provided today and our first choice was granted (I am grateful for that). However, our child has been massively upset since we've told her. The school we were given gets good from Ofsted, relatively small and is on our doorstep. She would have liked a school much further away (two buses each way), much larger but all of her friends are going there. We based choices on the likelihood of getting accepted for a decent school. Her primary school is a feeder school for the secondary school she wanted (we were advised that a feeder school has little impact on being accepted). I have spoken to the LA and they have said they could put her down for the second choice as a late applicant. I completely understand I should be grateful for my application, I am just broken that my kid is so upset by a decision I've made for her. Should I just accept or is it worth trying to see if I can help her change schools? Many thanks

Why didn't you let her make the decision herself in the first place, if you're owing to let her choose now?
I wouldn't, but that's just me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Going, not owing...

The time to ask your daughter was October. Now I think she needs to look at travel - 2 buses is a lot, the fact that friendships will be split and that she can still be friends with them and show her what she got

She needs to get over it, that travel will be a nightmare. You made the right decision, you are the adult, stick to it.

Two buses is quite a big deal when she doesn't have to do that journey. How long will it take and how often are the buses?

The first thing I'd do is do the journey on Saturday, leaving home and getting the buses that will get her there on time. And see how feasible the journey is.

I completely understand what you're both saying. It was discussed at the time of application and she did like the first choice when we went to view it. I think the shock as come today that it's a decision made but all her friends are going to the same school and she's the one left out.

I think it might have been best to have let her choose in the first place , however in my opinion 2 buses to get there and back is an awful lot of travel especially when it's cold and wet weather . I would talk to your DD and fully explain this but if she's insistent then you need to accept the place you've been given then make a late application to the new school.

I should add that when my son started high school he stuck with the kids he knew from primary for a couple of weeks and then made a all new friends. Just because they all go up together doesn't mean they actually see each other much in school.

Stick with your first choice school. Your dd will get over it and make new friends. Primary school friends often drift apart anyway over time. The bus journey will be a nightmare for the secondary choice school, especially in winter. Plus all her new friends will be miles away. With the first choice school she’ll probably have friends who live more locally.

Once my car broke down and we took the bus home with some of the kids from the school on it. Tbf, she was petrified and wanted to get off as soon as possible. It's not just two buses either, there's walking involved in between so I'm unsure how safe she'll feel.

I would stick to your choice OP. It's so much better having a school nearby if possible, your DD will make new friends.

I honestly think that at this age it’s the parents’ decision. Take into account her opinion but she can’t fully understand the implications which is why you make the final call. Sounds like you did the right thing and maybe now it’s a reality you’re wobbling. Give it time to sink in for everyone.

Thank you. I think this is what I need to hear. I'm not a sensitive person but to hear my child cry has broken me today. We have tried to say this to her but (and I can understand) she's having none of it. The school we got is relatively new (it's Freeschool) and is about a five minute walk. She is a very sociable child too.

Stick with your choice. You made it for a reason.

No children stay friends with the kids they were in primary with. Or very few of them anyway.

This is her fear talking - that's she's doing something different from her mates. Honestly, the benefit of a school being on your doorstep - especially in winter - is really not to be underestimated

Thank you. That's reassuring and we have told her friends drift apart even if they are in the same school. Thank you for responding to me.

This
The friends from primary will only be a few of a very large year 7 intake, they will be spread out across classes and forms and there will be a lot of friendship changes quite quickly. Reassure your DD that she can still be friends with people who live near her even if they are not at the same school.
Two buses is not much fun. If you think the more local school she has got into will be a good place for her, don’t change

This is my thought also. We feel safer she can make her way home safely. Her current primary school isn't near us so her friends aren't local to her. We have said this will benefit her. I'm hoping she'll feel better about it soon. Thank you so much

My ds went to secondary with a lot of his friends from primary. Within the first term he had a completely different friendship group and remained friends with only 1
from primary.

Stick with your original school choice. Both of my children went to a secondary where they didn't know anyone. There was the usual taster day in July that most secondaries do but also an extra morning for the children not coming from local schools. The parents were also invited to that and we were in a separate meeting whilst the children did some other things.

They basically told us that the have a year 7 day at a local team building place where they deliberately break up primary school groups to give everyone a chance to meet new kids. So in a group of 6 they all come from different primary schools.

My two made new friends, walked to school with some children they just met on the school walk etc. I did 2 buses to a faith school, was absolutely awful in winter in the dark and wet. Your child doesn't get to decide their future at 11, all they see at the minute is all their friends are going somewhere else. Lots of these solid friendships end as they now have a lot more choice than they did in a year group of 30, 60 or even 90. They now have hundreds to choose from. 360 in Ds2's year group.

I went to a school where I knew no one as my parents decided it was the better school. I'll be honest I cried buckets, told them I would run away and tried to manipulate them to change their mind in anyway I could. They didn't budge and it was all good in the end. Made new friends quickly and it honestly was the best decision.

DS1 went to school with pretty much his whole class. He is only still friends with 1 of them and thats because he lives next door so it's impossible really not to be friends with him.

Thank you. It is a good school and it had a nice feel for it. I agree the bus situation would be a nightmare. There would be a slim chance of being able to pick her up in my car but it's not what I could guarantee since I have a younger child in a different school to pick up .

Two buses sucks, especially in winter. I found commuting to school so stressful and was harassed many times.

She’s scared of the unknown / sad to be left out of her group but that doesn’t mean school change is the answer.

Can you ask around on Facebook and try to find someone who’s going to the school near you, who you couod maybe arrange some playdates with? If she has a familiar face to walk in with she’ll be a lot less nervous.

Tell her to try this school and tell her if she doesn’t like it after a term you’ll try to move her but that it’s crazy not to at least try it out given the commute. Help her calculate her total commute time on the two buses over the 7 years and show her how much relaxation/activity time she’d be throwing away by going to the far away school.

Omg. This is what I needed to hear. Thank you for sharing this and taking time out to respond. I hear myself sounding unreasonable about school choices but it's reassuring that you've said this. All I want is my child to be happy. Thank you

DD went to school with one girl from her primary school - she has a new friendship group. But also because her friends went to different schools she is still close to them. Closer than those who went to the same school because they are separate