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Original poster

Wrong decision for school choice

107 replies

Suzebear · 01/03/2023 16:49

Good evening, I don't want my query to annoy or anger anyone with what I'm asking. I honestly don't know if I'm seeking reassurance or advice. So school choices were provided today and our first choice was granted (I am grateful for that). However, our child has been massively upset since we've told her. The school we were given gets good from Ofsted, relatively small and is on our doorstep. She would have liked a school much further away (two buses each way), much larger but all of her friends are going there. We based choices on the likelihood of getting accepted for a decent school. Her primary school is a feeder school for the secondary school she wanted (we were advised that a feeder school has little impact on being accepted). I have spoken to the LA and they have said they could put her down for the second choice as a late applicant. I completely understand I should be grateful for my application, I am just broken that my kid is so upset by a decision I've made for her. Should I just accept or is it worth trying to see if I can help her change schools? Many thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 18:05

Calmdown14 · 01/03/2023 17:51

Are there any activities or clubs close to that school (or even that use it's facilities) so she can perhaps get to know others going?

It is short term not great for her but long term the right thing to do. Are all her friends much nearer to the other school or did you move?

So we chose her primary school because we were moving to the area, then job situation caused us to cancel the house sale. So we put the primary school down and couldn't change it. The commute has been annoying and I'll be doing it for the youngest. Some of her friends are close to the school but not all

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snowtrees · 01/03/2023 18:07

Stick with your choice.

Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 18:08

2bazookas · 01/03/2023 18:04

You're the adult; it's a parents job to make important decisions for a child that they are too young, inexperienced and naive to make for themselves.

Stick to your first choice; she will get over it and you'll all reap the benefits.

Now she'll have two sets of friends, from previous school and new school.

I know what you mean and she's very sociable. She's nothing like me or her dad

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Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 18:10

Tittyfilarious81 · 01/03/2023 17:51

I'm almost certain every high school does transition days now, but you could call them tomorrow to check that they do . In the school my son went to he was put in his tutor group on those days and they did lots of chatting and games etc so they all knew each other ready for September.

Oh that sounds lovely. I'll be on the phone tmr. That's lovely advice you've given me throughout this thread.

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SparkyBlue · 01/03/2023 18:15

Stick with your first choice. It sounds perfect location wise. Don't even entertain two buses. My own DD is 10 so secondary in two years and I've said already we can't be making decisions based on where such and such is going

Undermyumberellaellaella · 01/03/2023 18:15

I'm still best friends with the girl I met in nursery, we went to the same primary but different secondary. I made other friends but would still meet up with her out of school and still have sleepovers etc. I even ended up being her bridesmaid.

Just because she is going to a different school, it doesn't mean she can't see anyone she already knows.

The school you've got the place for sounds a lot easier and must be good for you to have chosen it. If you had spoken to her at the time of picking them and she didn't seem to mind, it will be okay.

Calmdown14 · 01/03/2023 18:15

With the house situation you can't really win. As a PP said, if she went to the other school she'd be miles away from the new friends she'll make.

Just reassure her through the transition and she'll do fine. Much better to be in the area she goes to school.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 01/03/2023 18:16

It's extremely normal for kids to feel like this. I'm having a similar WhatsApp conversation at the moment.

Just remember back to when you were making the decision. Nothing has changed, other than now it's becoming reality and she's nervous! Don't try for the other school. Just big up this school and how she'll love it, and how much nicer it'll be to have friends a walk away instead of a bus trip away.

MrsAvocet · 01/03/2023 18:17

Just trust yourself @Suzebear
You are clearly a very loving Mum who wants the best for her DD and you have made the decision based on what you believe is best for her. She might not see that right now, but I bet she will eventually.
And also trust the school. I am sure this will be a situation that they have dealt with many times before. Nearer the time if you are still worried you could contact her Head of Year to let them know, but there will be plenty of time for that. I am sure you will get lots of information from the new school in due course and there will be induction days in the Summer term which will be a big help.
You're a good Mum. It will be ok.

okayah · 01/03/2023 18:17

Give it some time, no need to make any rash decisions. My son was not keen on his original school, wanted to go where is then best friend was going. Within 2 weeks he was happy we hadn't changed it or refused the the place. Kids are very fickle

Meadowfly · 01/03/2023 18:18

I would advise against telling her should can move after a term - that’s not the attitude you want her starting with (and moving might not be possible anyway!).

My dc was the only one not going to the same school and the hardest bit was at the end of primary as they started to preemptively draw away abit. My dc then settled in straightaway in y7 (still besties with the people met on transition day - doing GCSEs now) whereas the old friends had all sorts of dramas as some made new friends and others felt left out.

Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 18:20

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 01/03/2023 18:16

It's extremely normal for kids to feel like this. I'm having a similar WhatsApp conversation at the moment.

Just remember back to when you were making the decision. Nothing has changed, other than now it's becoming reality and she's nervous! Don't try for the other school. Just big up this school and how she'll love it, and how much nicer it'll be to have friends a walk away instead of a bus trip away.

Thank you. We got a really nice feel for the school. I walk past the pupils and they seem nice kids. We are telling her how nice it'll be but I think it's still a bit raw right now xx

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snowtrees · 01/03/2023 18:20

She'll make new friends quickly and they will be on the door step. Honestly that's worth a lot. Makes a massive difference from Yr7 onwards.

PeekAtYou · 01/03/2023 18:26

My experience is that by October half term everyone has forgotten which primary other people came from. My kids had 1 friend from primary who continued being friends through secondary but it's unusual.
My kids go to an 8 form entry school so the chances of being in the same form is pretty slim. If the other girls are together in the other forms then how upset would your dd be ? If the other girls are in other forms making new friends and have a simpler journey on just one bus (or walking) then your dd will be making her life more difficult for friendships that may fizzle out quickly. Would your DD's friends even be travelling the same route?
Personally I would stick to her allocated school. She will be grateful how close it is when she's not waiting for 4 buses a day to arrive.

SomersetBrie · 01/03/2023 18:30

Stick with local school. She'll make new local friends so quickly.
Two buses is so time consuming.
A slightly different situation but a close friend of mine's DD chose to go to sixth form college in the next town with her best friend. Best friend now has a new bunch of friends so friend's daughter has an extra long commute for no good reason. She's fine, but it's really not worth making your life more difficult just for the now friends.
Is no one going to local school? Fine if not, but if there is, might be worth sussing those kids out for the initial new start.

Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 18:41

MrsAvocet · 01/03/2023 18:17

Just trust yourself @Suzebear
You are clearly a very loving Mum who wants the best for her DD and you have made the decision based on what you believe is best for her. She might not see that right now, but I bet she will eventually.
And also trust the school. I am sure this will be a situation that they have dealt with many times before. Nearer the time if you are still worried you could contact her Head of Year to let them know, but there will be plenty of time for that. I am sure you will get lots of information from the new school in due course and there will be induction days in the Summer term which will be a big help.
You're a good Mum. It will be ok.

Thank you that's really kind of you to say. I have been beating myself up since about 8:30 this morning

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Tittyfilarious81 · 01/03/2023 18:42

@Suzebear Glad I could be of some help ,lots of posters on here have shared their own experience and that of their children which is pretty much she's going to be fine and this is a little wobble . You absolutely have made the right choice for her though it's just the uncertainty of a new situation for you both that's making you feel you haven't.

Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 18:44

SomersetBrie · 01/03/2023 18:30

Stick with local school. She'll make new local friends so quickly.
Two buses is so time consuming.
A slightly different situation but a close friend of mine's DD chose to go to sixth form college in the next town with her best friend. Best friend now has a new bunch of friends so friend's daughter has an extra long commute for no good reason. She's fine, but it's really not worth making your life more difficult just for the now friends.
Is no one going to local school? Fine if not, but if there is, might be worth sussing those kids out for the initial new start.

There could be kids going to her school but not that she's immediate friends with. Her teacher is on strike today so she may find out information tmr. It'd be nice though

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Talia99 · 01/03/2023 18:46

If you are thinking of relying on two buses, they must be a lot more reliable than the buses near me!

Absolutely the closer school. She’ll thank you for it when she gets into the teen years and realises she can roll out of bed 45 minutes later! 😆

Billydaffodil · 01/03/2023 18:52

Our daughter went to the closest secondary, where almost all her school went too. Despite this her year group were all split up (9 form intake) so she is mostly with new people anyway. She's loving it and has made lots of new friends.

Sleepless1096 · 01/03/2023 18:55

You made the right choice. Buses full of school kids are not pleasant and would be quite an intimidating environment for an 11 year old girl on her own. I take my DC to school on the bus on rainy days and I wouldn't really want to send a young child on it alone... the kids individually are nice enough but the atmosphere can be very raucous and rowdy.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 01/03/2023 18:55

I think you go through the reasons again with dd for your choice. There was a child on dd3 primary whose parents applied for a different secondary ( literally 60 out of 65 kids go to the same Secondary). She had a huge wobble on allocation day, but her parents had chosen it for a reason. It was smaller and friendlier and just a better fit. It worked out fine for her

Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 19:41

I would just like to thank you all for your response to my question. It's been really kind of you all to take the time and give advice to me. My girl is a lot better and I feel better, mentally, from you helping me out. I'm very grateful to you all. Thank you xx

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PeekAtYou · 01/03/2023 19:46

There will be some wobbles for her once transition days etc come but I think you did the right thing by picking the school you did and in time dd will realise that.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 01/03/2023 19:53

Suzebear · 01/03/2023 17:08

Once my car broke down and we took the bus home with some of the kids from the school on it. Tbf, she was petrified and wanted to get off as soon as possible. It's not just two buses either, there's walking involved in between so I'm unsure how safe she'll feel.

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Maybe trialing the journey would help her or just looking at it together on Google maps, like this is where you walk for first bus it comes x times an hour.... and so on and reminding her of how she felt that day that this would be without you and maybe in the dark in winter, she might realise herself how hard that would be.

Secondary is a big change, as per PPs I went across with all my friends and we drifted apart, new friends by the end of term 1. Secondary was much bigger and multiple primaries fed into it.

The one concern I'd have with a small local secondary is if DD would be only a handful of kids that don't know each other? Going into a small secondary could be a different social environment than going into a large secondary. There's less factors pushing change on the dynamic of existing relationships.

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