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Original poster

Wrong decision for school choice

107 replies

Suzebear · 01/03/2023 16:49

Good evening, I don't want my query to annoy or anger anyone with what I'm asking. I honestly don't know if I'm seeking reassurance or advice. So school choices were provided today and our first choice was granted (I am grateful for that). However, our child has been massively upset since we've told her. The school we were given gets good from Ofsted, relatively small and is on our doorstep. She would have liked a school much further away (two buses each way), much larger but all of her friends are going there. We based choices on the likelihood of getting accepted for a decent school. Her primary school is a feeder school for the secondary school she wanted (we were advised that a feeder school has little impact on being accepted). I have spoken to the LA and they have said they could put her down for the second choice as a late applicant. I completely understand I should be grateful for my application, I am just broken that my kid is so upset by a decision I've made for her. Should I just accept or is it worth trying to see if I can help her change schools? Many thanks

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 01/03/2023 17:25

Stick to your choice but maybe help her make a plan to see her primary school friends over the summer and at the start of new term. Soon she will make new friends and they can meet up instead.

MelchiorsMistress · 01/03/2023 17:27

Stick with your first choice. It’s horrible seeing your child upset especially if it’s because you’re questioning a choice you made, but it sounds like you made a good choice and your dd is just wobbly because of her friends being excited to go elsewhere.

It’s worth remembering that secondary schools often mix up children anyway so that there’s children from a mixture of primaries in each class so even if your dd did go to the other school she probably wouldn’t end up in a class with her friends.

Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 17:27

I think you're right. She's scared and will feel like she's the only one. Once when my car broke down (was just before Christmas actually), it took nearly an hour to get home. That was with me and her younger brother and she felt intimidated by the kids on the bus. Locally it's less than five minutes with only one quiet road to cross. That's a good idea to ask on Facebook. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 17:29

MelchiorsMistress · 01/03/2023 17:27

Stick with your first choice. It’s horrible seeing your child upset especially if it’s because you’re questioning a choice you made, but it sounds like you made a good choice and your dd is just wobbly because of her friends being excited to go elsewhere.

It’s worth remembering that secondary schools often mix up children anyway so that there’s children from a mixture of primaries in each class so even if your dd did go to the other school she probably wouldn’t end up in a class with her friends.

Thank you. This was my rational mind working but everyone has been telling her where they're going so as soon as she stops crying, another friend will let her know about their school and she gets upset again which then gets me upset

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Minimalme · 01/03/2023 17:30

Hold fast! She will know some kids and it is a good school very close to home. She will make new friends and love it.

My poor ds moved, got a place at a struggling secondary and knew no one. He also suffers badly with social anxiety and the school had lots of kids with challenging behaviour.

He didn't just survive, he thrived and does very well academically and socially.

A school place is what you make it.

SUBisYodrethwhenLarping · 01/03/2023 17:30

Stay with the school close to home imho and ime

My friend's DD went to the high school last September that all her friends were going to and at Christmas they were all split up into different sets and classes.

Her DD is very upset that her old friends don't want to do stuff with her anymore, they have new friends who they want to go to cinema with and have sleepovers with etc

So tell her she can see her old friends as often as she likes at weekends and holidays but in reality it will all change for her AND them

Blabla81 · 01/03/2023 17:33

We changed our daughters school quite last minute - she was originally going to go to one out of catchment newer and nicer - this was her choice. Only a couple of children from her primary were going. The bulk, including her closest friends, were going to the catchment school, a similar distance but in the other direction. The school bus is literally on our doorstep. I didn’t want her to go there though - it’s not as nice as the other school . When we got the results this time last year, she suddenly changed her mind - wanted to be with her friends from school. We decided to let her have her own way and got her on the waiting list - she got offered a place just before the taster days in July. It’s so easy with the bud outside our house too - the other school didn’t offer transport so we would have had to do the journey everyday and it would have been difficult. She now barely sees her original primary school friends - she has a whole new group of girls she hangs around with (which I said would happen).

Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 17:33

Minimalme · 01/03/2023 17:30

Hold fast! She will know some kids and it is a good school very close to home. She will make new friends and love it.

My poor ds moved, got a place at a struggling secondary and knew no one. He also suffers badly with social anxiety and the school had lots of kids with challenging behaviour.

He didn't just survive, he thrived and does very well academically and socially.

A school place is what you make it.

That's wonderful. I'm glad your son's doing well. Hearing people say positive things about what's happening is very reassuring. Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it.

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MrsAvocet · 01/03/2023 17:34

Stick to your guns. You made your original decision on very sensible grounds by the sounds of things and nothing has really changed. Nobody likes to see their children upset of course but there are some occasions when parents really do know best! The journey sounds a nightmare and friendships are very transient at that age. All of my children went to secondary as part of well established friendship groups from primary and by the end of the first term they all had completely different friends. Nobody "fell out", they just all met new people who they turned out to have more in common with. Although it seems like the end of the world not to be going with friends when you are 11, it really isn't.
My youngest didn't want to go to the same secondary as his siblings and most of his school friends, because he had lots of friends from his hobby who were going to a different one. That would have been a nightmare journey, whereas the other school bus stops literally outside our house, and it's a better school anyway. It would have been terrible logistically and not as good educationally so despite some major sulking I told him that sorry, I understood his feelings but they weren't enough to change the decision. He got over it! And in fact when it came to 6th form applications he didn't even want to go to the open day for the school that he had been so desperate to attend when he was 11.
It's a tough age, with lots of changes going on and often hormones all over the place and it probably does genuinely feel like a catastrophe to your DD right now. She won't be looking at it logically. But you are, and you need to continue to do so. Chances are it will all turn out fine, and if it doesn't, you can always consider moving then.

SUBisYodrethwhenLarping · 01/03/2023 17:34

Sorry what I mean is that if she thinks all of her old friends will stay together and is just wanting that school due to this

Then imho and ime that is a mistake

They will all meet new friends your DD included

Also, having friends who live nearby will be easier than 2 bus rides away, after school

Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 17:36

Yeah I can see being left out of friendship groups being more hurtful if they're going to the same school. We will try and keep friendship groups going if they can. Thank you for replying to me.

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LIZS · 01/03/2023 17:38

No need to rush any changes, give her a chance to get used to the idea and maybe join a waiting list later on.

Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 17:39

Blabla81 · 01/03/2023 17:33

We changed our daughters school quite last minute - she was originally going to go to one out of catchment newer and nicer - this was her choice. Only a couple of children from her primary were going. The bulk, including her closest friends, were going to the catchment school, a similar distance but in the other direction. The school bus is literally on our doorstep. I didn’t want her to go there though - it’s not as nice as the other school . When we got the results this time last year, she suddenly changed her mind - wanted to be with her friends from school. We decided to let her have her own way and got her on the waiting list - she got offered a place just before the taster days in July. It’s so easy with the bud outside our house too - the other school didn’t offer transport so we would have had to do the journey everyday and it would have been difficult. She now barely sees her original primary school friends - she has a whole new group of girls she hangs around with (which I said would happen).

Yeah she's going to risk not being friends with her friends even if she does go to the same school. My partner has told her this - he's much better at being the objective one. He wants her to be safe. He's told her she'll make new friends. Thank you for taking time out to respond to me.

OP posts:
spelunky · 01/03/2023 17:40

Stick to your choice, but please try to talk to your daughter about it as much as you can and get her to understand it is about the distance and her safety with the travel, not just you being mean to her.

She's probably feeling scared and overwhelmed at the idea of being on her own as all her friends move on together - plus a huge change in her life and a whole load of new people she'll have to get to know - that's a horrible set of emotions to be navigating at 11.

She will definitely remember how you respond to her going through this difficult period, so please give her a lot of love and support, and keep explaining your reasons calmly (which are perfectly solid).

Offer her some nice days out or maybe arrange some nice trip for her and her primary school friends so she can enjoy these last few months.

Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 17:41

MrsAvocet · 01/03/2023 17:34

Stick to your guns. You made your original decision on very sensible grounds by the sounds of things and nothing has really changed. Nobody likes to see their children upset of course but there are some occasions when parents really do know best! The journey sounds a nightmare and friendships are very transient at that age. All of my children went to secondary as part of well established friendship groups from primary and by the end of the first term they all had completely different friends. Nobody "fell out", they just all met new people who they turned out to have more in common with. Although it seems like the end of the world not to be going with friends when you are 11, it really isn't.
My youngest didn't want to go to the same secondary as his siblings and most of his school friends, because he had lots of friends from his hobby who were going to a different one. That would have been a nightmare journey, whereas the other school bus stops literally outside our house, and it's a better school anyway. It would have been terrible logistically and not as good educationally so despite some major sulking I told him that sorry, I understood his feelings but they weren't enough to change the decision. He got over it! And in fact when it came to 6th form applications he didn't even want to go to the open day for the school that he had been so desperate to attend when he was 11.
It's a tough age, with lots of changes going on and often hormones all over the place and it probably does genuinely feel like a catastrophe to your DD right now. She won't be looking at it logically. But you are, and you need to continue to do so. Chances are it will all turn out fine, and if it doesn't, you can always consider moving then.

You're completely right. I know in my heart she'll be ok and she'll make new friends at whichever school she attends. It's just reassuring to hear what you're saying. She's my eldest so I don't know what to expect - I only know what I experienced but she doesn't want to listen to that 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 17:42

SUBisYodrethwhenLarping · 01/03/2023 17:34

Sorry what I mean is that if she thinks all of her old friends will stay together and is just wanting that school due to this

Then imho and ime that is a mistake

They will all meet new friends your DD included

Also, having friends who live nearby will be easier than 2 bus rides away, after school

We have told her she'll make local friends which will be much nicer for her and easy for her to meet up with them

OP posts:
Tittyfilarious81 · 01/03/2023 17:43

She will make new friends op , our secondary schools all do 3 transition days and then a week of summer school in August where everyone gets to make new friends before they even start school. It's also worth reminding her that although it seems scary when she started nursery/ primary school it was all new and she made friends .

Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 17:44

spelunky · 01/03/2023 17:40

Stick to your choice, but please try to talk to your daughter about it as much as you can and get her to understand it is about the distance and her safety with the travel, not just you being mean to her.

She's probably feeling scared and overwhelmed at the idea of being on her own as all her friends move on together - plus a huge change in her life and a whole load of new people she'll have to get to know - that's a horrible set of emotions to be navigating at 11.

She will definitely remember how you respond to her going through this difficult period, so please give her a lot of love and support, and keep explaining your reasons calmly (which are perfectly solid).

Offer her some nice days out or maybe arrange some nice trip for her and her primary school friends so she can enjoy these last few months.

Yeah you're right. We've spoken to her, told her we love her and explained why we think it's right. We told her we understand why she's upset and left her alone or stopped talking about it when she's asked as such.

OP posts:
Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 17:45

Tittyfilarious81 · 01/03/2023 17:43

She will make new friends op , our secondary schools all do 3 transition days and then a week of summer school in August where everyone gets to make new friends before they even start school. It's also worth reminding her that although it seems scary when she started nursery/ primary school it was all new and she made friends .

Oh that's good to know. I'm in my forties so never had transition days. I'm hoping this school does this too.

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YippeeKiYay155 · 01/03/2023 17:49

I've got 2 in secondary school and neither of them are still friends with the children they were friends with in primary, despite them all being at the same school. Your daughter will make new friends by the time the first term ends I promise.

Calmdown14 · 01/03/2023 17:51

Are there any activities or clubs close to that school (or even that use it's facilities) so she can perhaps get to know others going?

It is short term not great for her but long term the right thing to do. Are all her friends much nearer to the other school or did you move?

Tittyfilarious81 · 01/03/2023 17:51

I'm almost certain every high school does transition days now, but you could call them tomorrow to check that they do . In the school my son went to he was put in his tutor group on those days and they did lots of chatting and games etc so they all knew each other ready for September.

Original poster
Suzebear · 01/03/2023 17:52

YippeeKiYay155 · 01/03/2023 17:49

I've got 2 in secondary school and neither of them are still friends with the children they were friends with in primary, despite them all being at the same school. Your daughter will make new friends by the time the first term ends I promise.

Thank you. I think what I needed when I posted on here was reassurance - all I want to do is what's best and today has challenged that. Thank you for taking time out to respond to me

OP posts:
2bazookas · 01/03/2023 18:04

You're the adult; it's a parents job to make important decisions for a child that they are too young, inexperienced and naive to make for themselves.

Stick to your first choice; she will get over it and you'll all reap the benefits.

Now she'll have two sets of friends, from previous school and new school.

cordelia16 · 01/03/2023 18:04

PacmanIsLost · 01/03/2023 17:16

My ds went to secondary with a lot of his friends from primary. Within the first term he had a completely different friendship group and remained friends with only 1
from primary.

Same thing happened with my son. Six boys from primary went to the same secondary school, and he is only still friends with one of them.