Moving children from private to state education

[GreenL6]

I've made three posts and accidentally deleted them. This is short...
I'm heartbroken but have to seriously consider taking children out of private school to state. They've been there since nursery and now high school age.
Any positives? Good experiences?
I would do anything to keep them there but every option not viable for one reason or another!
Bursary also not helpful, said max help 10% if accepted and terms notice to leave said in a very matter of fact way, no skin off our nose, goodbye when you say.
Cried so much thinking of what I can do but it's just seeming impossible.

I think moving from private to state now will add a bit of character to their life story.

Life is all about the unexpected - be honest with your dds and tell them it won't be easy but it will help them learn ways of coping which they can use all their life. Far more use that skiing, horse riding and playing an obscure wind instrument.

Did you really just ask that? Fuck sake.

I've only ever taught in state schools, but I've taught lots of children who moved from private schools. So long as they start wanting to fit in, they'll be fine - there will be lovely kids who will welcome them into their friendship groups. They'll adapt to larger classes and they'll find things they prefer in their new school.

Not saying they won't miss friends, facilities etc, but generally kids adapt better than their parents do. It almost certainly won't be as bad as you think it will be.

Yes friends in this position, never even bought a house until very late in life.

I do understand your worries. I think this may be more about having to change schools rather than private to state.
My DS was at a really good state school for year 7 then we moved and he hated his new school (we are in a very small place with little choice of school) we eventually sent him to a private school where he is very happy.
DS says that teaching and behaviour were in some cases better at the state school he was at in year 7.
I’m considering moving again which is making me very anxious in regards to another move for DS so I do understand your worries. This part (before the move happens) will be the worst part though - once they move I’m sure they’ll be fine. There are always things they’ll miss out on but other things they’ll gain. Good luck.

I’m not being funny but your kids aren’t going to die because they’re moving from private school to a state school with all the poor people. You’re talking as if you’re sending them off to war or something.

Kids move schools every day. Obviously it’s difficult being the new kid in school but I could imagine your kids will just need transparency on why they have to move and your support. If you act like it’s the worst thing in the world and make it obvious you’re so worried for them then naturally they’re not going to settle in well. If you make it clear that your kids are still able to take advantages of things like extra curricular activities/picking up an instrument etc then they’ll be able to make the most out of a state school.

Just because you go to a state school doesn’t mean you’re automatically going to have a shit life or something. Yes people who go to private schools have more opportunities presented to them but that doesn’t mean you won’t have any opportunities at all at a state school

Thanks to everyone. Made me realise why I'm worried with some posts here today. To put one matter straight, I never ever ever criticised state schools. I went to a girls' grammar, went to a top UK Russell group uni. No snobbery just concern for big change and impact on the children. It's not a great time to move schools and they've been so settled. Any parent would want to maintain a status quo if it works.

However... Thanks to those who realise why it matters due to the upheaval to children at an important time. They are children and not a different breed, same worries etc... we just all want the best for our children.

Let's see what happens. I am off to bed as taking them for their sport early tomorrow. At least I can cry into a pillow without judgement when all I asked for experience and not telling me to "man up" and "join the unwashed"!
Thanks all, I forgot what Mumsnet was like until now.

We all want our children to be happy. The OP believes she is going to make her children unhappy by moving them to a different school and is understandably very worried about it. Some people on this thread need to have some fucking compassion. It’s not about thinking that state school is inferior to
private school.

Moved DD from private to state in year 8. She settled in very well and made some wonderful friends. Loved the school, would even go in when unwell she liked it that much

OP I’m so sorry. You sounds utterly distraught.

I’ve been in your position and I know how badly you feel you have let your children down. It’s not about the money is it, it’s because it’s our job as parents to provide stability and school is a large part of our children's lives.

The children will find this hard but they will be okay. You need a game plan and you need one fast. You’re going to have to do all your crying in private. I know how that goes too.

I would suggest writing to the bursar asking for some leeway with notice. We did this and managed to get a January release date following October notice. You also have a bargaining chip - move your older child at Xmas if you can, using your elder child’s notice on top of younger, aiming to move youngest at Easter at the latest.

go in negotiating hard. Yes, the school is a business but they hate hearing about our personal finances. Be brutally honest & use terms like ‘no more money’ ‘cannot afford it’ etc. be very basic and explain that a full term notice is not going to be happening. They are very very unlikely to sue you. Truly.

remember as well you may have a deposit to be returned. If the deposit is £500 - let it go. Your fee saving will be more. If it’s a terms feels, negotiate with them.

I’m so sorry this is happening. You must be feeling sick and it’s a terrible shock. None of us want to uproot our children. You can cry in private but in front of them, get a grip. Be honest with them about finances. Don’t frighten them but be honest. Let them be honest with their friends too.

lots of love.

I get why you feel as you do op as it will be a big change for them, but no matter how much we want to we can't insulate our kids from change and upheaval. We can suppirt them through it though, navigate the challenges together, and they might well emerge stronger and wiser for it.

Timing could be much worse given the age of your kids.

Where do you live? There are some fab state schools.

Fwiw, my eldest just started y7 at a state secondary after state primary. My DH teaches and us on the SLT at a top london private school. He has been so impressed by our son's school thst it has really got him to question the cost and value of private education.

It will be ok!

Sorry for typos - fat fingers on rubbish phone!

I live in sw London dc at state school(religious) , they were at a state primary with about 50/50 split moving to state/private at secondary. There has been a lot of movement both ways, not always for financial reasons. I boy in dc3 class joined in year 9 from private because his siibling had a got a place for 6th form so he was top of the waitlist, parents were glad to move him. Another girl moved from state to private in y8 but moved back 3 months later. Lots of children I’ve known have moved schools within the area, theres always lots of movement because of jobs, friendship issues, academics etc they all seem to be ok. We live in quite a nice area and really the children from either sector seem pretty similar.
ialso think with social media friendships outside school are easier to maintain. It must be very stressful to have to change a plan for them you made a long time ago but sometimes these things work out for the best.
I hope it all goes well for you.

OP ..get some sleep and ignore the vipers on here ! I am getting trashed on another thread which was meant to be lighthearted 🤦‍♀️It’s their problem rather than ours 💐

Change is always difficult when it's forced on us, but it'll be fine

@Christmasamtryigtogetexcited completely off-topic, but I love your username. Was the typo intended? 😄🎄🤶

OP - I absolutely sympathise with you! But my daughter changed schools in Year 8 and was settled straight away. She is also still good friends with kids from her previous school.

Well. It sounds like the school doesn’t give a toss, more likely to find a caring attitude in state school. They will get to mix with a much broader range of people which will benefit them later in life. They will learn to work harder for success.

There won’t be as much pressure on them in state school. Plenty of clubs outside school which will cater for all interests.

they will make new friends and find out who their real friends were at private school.

it will take a lot of pressure off you.

this will teach them so much about life, but they will be looking to you to work out how to react.

this, in the long run could be one of the best things that ever happens to them to shape their future characters and perspectives- lead by example

There has been lots of useful comment on this thread. Lots of people telling you they will be fine. Spend some time researching and visiting the schools and finding out if they have vacancies. You really do need to put a positive face on for the children. One of my children was really upset after moving schools but then met the most wonderful friendship group that he still loves seeing.

I don’t mean to be rude OP but these private schools are businesses. You pay per term and if you can’t pay then they have no obligation to help you. I’m not saying it’s nice but don’t take it personally. Many of these private schools have really tight budgets, they can’t afford to be nice. From a teacher with 15 years experience in private schools.

I assess bursaries as part of my job. If you are only entitled to 10% then that suggests you have the finances to manage most of the fees:

What’s the actual situation? For example a few years ago we had parents who undoubtedly were squeezed with income BUT had a second property.

Most schools use an external assessor and they do so in a dispassionate way so to only be offered 10% would suggest a fairly strong financial situation.

This happens quite a lot around here, switching sectors during secondary. The (state school) DC don't seem to care what your background is, I'm sure they will be fine and will find new friends. Plus it's much easier these days to keep in touch with the old ones.

Don't forget to check whether the potential new school does GCSEs over two or three years.

The comment below amazed me though - the idea that you need to check that a state school offers actual GCSEs 🤯

No wonder private school parents get a bit panicky about switching sectors!

The absolute most important thing for me was that the school has a sixth form and their GCSE options are actual GCSEs rather than btecs.

I understand completely how you feel and it’s very predictable that some people will be scathing and sarky. They are sarky without thinking of how upsetting it can be for the children to be uprooted from a school they feel at home and safe in. I was very stressed facing the same thing (even though I’ve gone through far more stressful situations that had no bearing on how I felt about this). The local state schools were terrible (bad ofsted reports and needing to improve). I had sleepless nights and racked my brain over what I could do. Many would probably disagree with this but I ended up withdrawing the remaining fees from my private pension. They were not able to go to the sixth form though but they didn’t care about that as the state sixth form colleges were good and a number of pupils leave to go to them. This was a few years ago and I don’t regret one bit taking that money out.

Oh for goodness sake. This isn’t an attack on state schools. The OP is nervous about a significant change for her children at difficult ages when they are both in early prep for exams. Independent schooling is absolutely not a waste of money & for many (who would be lost in the state system) it’s a necessity.