First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

[muppetsmum]

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

@happydappy2 proving @SobranieCocktail 's point perfectly

They're not 'leaving home at 13'!
They are weekly boarding. That means coming home every weekend and half term and school holidays.
You could view it as having extended sleepovers at school.

People put 4 year olds into before and after school clubs 5 days a week. Not ideal but needs must. I think that is far worse than a 13yo choosing to weekly board so he has all his extra curricular activities and friends on tap, plus people to help with homework etc and no daily commute.

Boarding is one of the topics on here that gets vehement responses and the nutters out in force, much like surrogacy. I wouldn't want it for any of mine and it won't be an issue as we could never afford it. Your son chose to go, if he doesn't enjoy it he can come home. You are clearly missing him and are a lovely mum. Ignore the idiots.

Aww OP that's sad for you. But you know your ds will have an amazing time.
Keep yourself busy, id probably not comment in front of dd as she'll probably feel put out about it and maybe not make the kindest comments.

Keep a photo nearby and cry (privately) when you need to. You will get used to it. You sound like you've researched the school and you know it's where your ds wants to be.

Sorry you are missing your son OP. It is a horrible thing to miss a child and I understand the feeling. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

This is very sad and I'm so sorry that they essentially put the responsibility for that decision on 8 year old you. That is a type of gaslighting, I think.

I do think many parents with kids at boarding school lie to themselves about their reasons for sending them. (I am not claiming that the OP is lying to herself - I have no idea about her individual situation). My mother has given all sorts of reasons for it, but deep down both she & I know the real reason was simply that she wanted a break from me. A really long break. Every year for 7 years.
Neither of us will ever say that out loud though! :)

I have a very young DD now and I'm scared that I too will end up wishing she wasn't around. I keep repeating to myself all her nice qualities so that hopefully it never comes to that.

It's a bit pointless having children if you think that packing them off an hour away and not seeing them is the best option? Best option for who exactly? Could you not be bothered to parent them as a teen? Easier to pack them off and let someone else deal with him I guess. Do dress it up and something wonderful and all for him. As a mother I couldn't think of anything worse than packing my children off, especially at that age.

@LaundryBin I started a thread in Site Stuff asking MN to create a separate Boarding board, for exactly that reason.

Far worse? 😂Judgemental much?

Did your children go to nursery?

I would argue that many people who have been through the boarding school experience have been "taught" (manipulated) to ignore their feelings, or have had to suppress their emotions as a coping mechanism in a traumatic environment.

I would say you're talking complete bullshit.

Quite. The replies to "What is the point of having children if you're just going to pack them off to nursery for the whole day?" are completely different.

I think people are just being nasty for the sake of it.

wow... the vitriol... I used to be one of those parents who said my child like never board... My DD part boards and it was like torture when she started. Much like you it was not my preference, nor did I ever consider it as an option however she was so consistently adamant she wanted to try it I agreed to give it a go on a part time board basis. She was in no way naïve as to what boarding implied. 3 years in she has thrived in ways I could not have possibly envisaged and while I still hate it when she is away from home I cannot deny the benefit it brings to her life. She has had opportunities she would never have had as a day pupil, and I'm very grateful for that.

It is all to common for parents to believe force feeding their opinion on the path their child should take is the ''right'' way, rejecting the notion that embracing and supporting a child's own views and encouraging their development towards becoming independent adults is a necessary part of parenting. A 13 year old is not a 2 year old... while maturity varies, I suspect you know your son best and were able to judge his ability to understand the implications of boarding. My daughter was not naive as to what it implied, and made a consistently compelling, mature, argument in favour. Not all parents are capable of placing their child's best interests above their own personal wants or needs; which is dreadfully sad. I applaud you for being one of ( few?) who can and did. I promise it gets easier with time and in the end will only bring you closer with your son as the years progress. He will thank you one day for placing his needs above your own comfort x

No more judgemental than the people being nasty about a teen weekly boarding.

@PolarPolly27 I would second that. Utter nonsense.. BS. I often wonder what people think boarding school environments are like??

Really??
I know loads ofchildren who travel for an hour or more to get to school every day. My children are day pupils at a state boarding school and I don't think anyone who only lives an hour away would stand much chance of getting a boarding place.
Obviously it depends on the transport options available and the OP's other commitments but SisterGabriel's suggestion doesn't seem unreasonable to me. Though of course the OP's son might not want to come home midweek and the school might not allow it. But I wouldn't think the length of the journey in itself would preclude a midweek meet up. I take my son further than that for extracurricular activities in the evening, it's not that far really.
OP, I've got no personal experience of boarding and to be honest, it's not something I wanted for my own family, but I do understand that sometimes it has advantages, especially for children with specific talents or interests that can't be fully developed at home. I do have quite a lot of friends and family whose children have boarded and from my observations I would say the key thing is to keep channels of communication open and don't be afraid to reverse the decision if you have any doubts that don't go away. Enjoy the weekends but take care not to make your DS too "special" or to smother him when he is home. I have observed some parents who, in my opinion, try too hard to "make up for lost time" when their boarding children are home, which causes its own problems. Keep talking, or more importantly, listening, to your boy and remember that you've always got the option to change your mind.

@IrisVersicolor "So your anecdotal evidence is that you didn’t have the gumption to tell your parents you were unhappy with your choice. That’s up to you."

That's really nasty. You have no idea how hard it is for a young child to advocate for themself in that situation, when they know they'll be met with responses that minimise their feelings, or make them feel guilty for causing disruption, or paint them as a spoilt brat for not being grateful for the "amazing privilege", or worst of all, validate their fear that actually their parents want them to live away during term time in spite of their unhappiness.

You can see on this thread here even posters relaying their direct experience of boarding school are being told off for 'projecting' or told to 'pipe down' or are having their posts deleted by parents of boarders who just don't want to hear it. Try to empathise with the child the PP was when she went through that trauma, even if you don't have patience for the adult she is now.

Dial down the dismissiveness. He's not "staying over" at school, it's not an occasional sleepover at his gran's. School is now his primary residence, away from his parents.

Oh just stop it. As a mother, I can't think of anything worse than being so utterly selfish to keep my child at home with me when they had the opportunity and more importantly the desire to follow their dream. I didn't have my child to be a comfort toy for me. I had her and brought her up to go her own way in the world when she was ready. It's a bit earlier than I hoped, but if I had sent her to the local comp or even a local indie as a day girl, in order to keep her with me, I would have been a selfish, awful parent. My daughter would have resented me and our relationship would now be non-existent. Tell me why your way is better?

You can see on this thread here even posters relaying their direct experience of boarding school are being told off for 'projecting' or told to 'pipe down' or are having their posts deleted by parents of boarders who just don't want to hear it.

While those of us posting about our own very positive experiences are ignored.......

Please don’t equate sending a child to board weekly to bereavement. Bereavement is a completely different feeling of heartbreak and loss.

Meh, people don’t get it. I can’t wait to offer a boarding option to my kid. If they don’t want to, fine, if they do, excellent.

It's very interesting that the boarding parents assume that the motivation for not wanting to send a child to boarding school is because we want to keep them with us for our own reasons, rather than because we want to be there for them every day. An important distinction I think.

Not really. One person has responded to you to agree with you, after you told a PP their view was bullshit. And not one person has claimed your experience of boarding is irrelevant as you're not currently at school, nor has your post detailing your own experience been deleted (mine has).

@muppetsmum he will love it - my son flexi boarded from 8 one night a week then at 13 choose full boarding. Yes at times he found it hard but now he’s left he is such a great boy well rounded independent with solid values and friendships. Yes you will miss him which is natural but he will flourish