First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

[muppetsmum]

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

Why would standing your child to a local comp or independent school make you a selfish parent??? It's what 99% of teens do!

The only reason some children think of boarding as an option is because parents present it as such. If you don't want them to go, but they have some notion about it being like Malory Towers
or whatever, just tell them you can't afford it. No child can just 'demand' to go to a fee-paying school. It's always the parents' decision! If your child is saying they are desperate to go, it's because they will have internalised from a young age that this is the 'best thing' as a result if your attitude and openness, even promotion, of the idea. For most kids, boarding is not even on their radar. Don't mistake their dream' for your own.

Goodness, boarding really does bring out the worst in some people.

If you have the means to do it, and choose not to, then fine. But it's repulsive to insinuate that children must be growing up in an abusive home if they want to leave it at 13.

OP, I am very, very close to all my DC, and they all boarded. One boarded only for sixth form because they didn't want to go at 13. There was no pressure and no problem. They missed the dog, though.

OP, weekly boarding is barely boarding at all! You'll be fine. It's a good opportunity to give your DD a bit of one-to-one attention, too. My DC were a very long way from home, and even that was fine. If we hadn't truly thought we were acting in their best interests, we'd have saved ourselves a 500 mile round trip to take them to school and collect them.

BTW, their father boarded and loathed it - as did mine, and as did my grandfather before him. Boarding schools are different now.

God, this.

Well that escalated didn't it. OP, keep yourself busy, your lad will have a great time and weekends together will be special.

There are a lot of people who are clueless on here.
I trust those aiming vitriol at the OP do not use childcare at any age. If they do then they are hypocritical.

How do you know I have no idea? I loathed my primary school and I lobbied my parents until they let me change schools, where I was much happier. I was 9! So I don’t see why a teenager can’t do the same. And if they can’t that doesn’t mean a. That all teens can’t, and b. That all teens will hate boarding school as much as that poster.

You give a warped interpretation of the thread. In actual fact OP has been harangued and criticised for allowing her DS’s choice.

Posters on this thread have given their own direct experience of being happy boarding, and of other adults and children too. But the naysayers just want to bang on about how terrible it is for everyone and how OP is a terrible mother.

Boarding school would not have suited me one bit, and I have a friend who was unhappy there. But I have the objectivity to see that one size does not fit all, that for all the kids who don’t like it there are plenty of others who are very happy.

Hurrrrrah
agree with you!

This exactly
You say he chose to go?
You let him
Now your upset

If you didn't want him to go why did you let him?????

Kids are only kids once - it wouldn't be for me at all I like my kids in the family home but you can't do this and then moan afterwards it's all your doing

Absolutely GeorgeorRuth. I wouldn't put a baby or a pre-schooler in a day nursery from 8am to 6pm either!

He hasn't left home.

Are people's comprehension skills really that bad?

No he hasn't left home but he sleeps 5 or 6 nights away from home in term-time (depending on whether he is dropped back on Sunday nights or Monday morning. That's not insignificant.

I actually didn’t use childcare, although I don’t judge anyone who does
As for being clueless how can you know that? Many people commenting have direct and/or indirect experience of boarding school

Just as interesting as the anti-boarding parents saying that the motivation for boarding is not wanting to be at home/wanting to get rid of your child rather than looking at the options with your child and deciding what is best. An important distinction I think.

It's still not "leaving home" despite all the wailing from anti-boarders.

@mandalala

I didn't say it was in general. It would have been if I had done it to my daughter.

And you are talking rubbish with the rest! "they will have internalised from a young age that this is the 'best thing' as a result if your attitude and openness, even promotion, of the idea" and "Don't mistake their dream' for your own." Erm, utterly laughable, just shows what jumping to conclusions and projecting your own ideas on a situation will do. I didn't mention it before as it was irrelevant to the discussion at hand, but if you must know, my DH went to boarding school and was severely damaged by the experience. I was 100% against boarding school, even had a massive row with my FIL about it. Said my daughter would NEVER go. Then it turned out my daughter had a mind of her own, she didn't demand to go, she put forward a compelling argument, we had a pro's and cons discussion and came to a decision together.

It's great that your lad has a chance to go to a school he's really keen to attend and will give him opportunities.

It's expected and reasonable that you should miss him while he's away.

However, you're eulogising him and acting like you're never going to see him again. You're not going to get any sympathy here, just eye-rolls (and sniggers from me).

Woman up.

I do think certain prep schools have a lot to answer for because they subtly mange to convince parents that if their child doesn't get into the top day schools, then boarding is the only other acceptable option. They use language such as, "he's an all rounder..," The parents all chat at dinner parties etc and whip each other up and before you know it, they convince themselves boarding is best and their child would actually be missing out if he didn't go with "everyone else," The child just gets swept along.

Actually, I think all parents should Home Ed. I mean, fancy having children and then sending them off every day for 6 hours when they are only 5. Don't people want to be with their children?

And as for separated parents who parent 50-50. That's half the time (approx the same as boarding) they aren't with their child...

This set of reactions is odd

If you live in a very remote or rural area then secondary school is boarding.

If your child needs specialist tuition due to disability, medical condition or learning difference, the most appropriate school may be boarding

If your child is very talented at music, dance or sport then the right school may be a boarding school.

And some people see the package of opportunities available at independent schools and want that for their child.

They're with you half the year and at school the other half. It's not a bereavement. It's not leaving home. It's an educational choice. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP I'm sure you'll get used to the new rhythm of your week and I hope your ds thrives at his new school.

True.
But is that not on a par with the anti boarders suggesting that parents of boarders can't be bothered with their children or that children who enjoy boarding hate their parents? There's a lot of emotive language on both sides, and things are rarely as black and white as either side suggest.
I know a lot of ex and quite a few current boarders, and to be frank, I've definitely seen more negatives than positives, hence not going down that path with my children. (They never wanted to anyway.) But I don't know a single parent who has sent their child to boarding school because they don't like them/can't be bothered parenting/are selfish or lazy or any of the other accusations commonly made on threads like this. They have many different motivations but I think they all genuinely believe they are doing their best for their children, just as the vast majority of parents who choose day schools or home ecucation do. I happen to disagree - I don't think boarding is the optimal choice for most children though there may be circumstances when it's the best available option - but I don't think it gives me the right to character assassination.
It should be possible to discuss the pros and cons of this, and many other parenting issues, without resorting to personal insults, but it's something that on the whole we don't seem very good at!

Astonishing if your DH was "severely damaged" by boarding school that you would have ever entertained it for your child, no matter how compelling their argument. Is your DD aware of your DH's experiences?

In my opinion it's putting academic achievement above psychological well-being. 13 year olds are still terribly young.

And it's no surprise that while the day school is perfectly adequate for the daughter, there's nothing good enough for the son locally. P I know several families where this is the case. The poor daughters' education is still considered slightly less important. And there's another strand which is that boys need to become a little more separate from their mothers.

And finally, I have many friends and family who have boarded and none of them have wanted their children to board before 6th form. I appreciate boarding is different now to what it was but children don't change. A 13 year old is figuring out who they are. Having those conversations with their parents if they feel able is so important to that. I don't think cutting that avenue off is in the best interests of the child

Yes she is, I made sure of it. But, hey, shock horror, (astonishing even?) times have changed and so have schools! He was sent to a hideous, old fashioned, all boys school, aged 7, over four decades ago. She chose to go at secondary school age to a school she chose. Surely you can understand that not every school experience is the same? And I can't deprive my daughter because of my husband's experience. Even he didn't want to stop her because we did due diligence into looking at the school and she knows that at any point she can change her mind and choose a different school or option.

Not much of a distinction is it

1. Preferring your child not to live with you
2. Looking at the options with your child and deciding you prefer them not to live with you

Or...

1. Looking at the options with your child and realising that despite it breaking your heart, the best option is allowing them to go, despite the fact you would prefer them to live with you.

A huge distinction.