First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

[muppetsmum]

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

It does get easier once you know they are settled and happy, it's a bit nerve wracking at first.

My DS started boarding at his prep school in the summer term of the penultimate year, so he was familiar with the school and other pupils. He was desperate to start (he was doing 12 hour days twice a week by that point). I think it was bit of a shock for him at first but he soon settled.

When he moved schools he settled in right away.

I really missed him but we saw him every 2 weeks, and we had longer holidays. He was always full of funny stories when he came home and obviously enjoyed it. I often asked him if he was really happy and ever felt homesick and he always said he really missed the cats and my cooking . We all emerged unscathed and are still very close. Bizarrely I was far more upset when he went away to university!

I’m sorry you are sad op.

I absolutely don’t agree with boarding - close family member went and was very unhappy. She said all the fancy activities and gorgeous grounds didn’t make up for not being at home.

😂😂😂

So what about the kids who really want to board? And being at home doesn’t make up for what they’ve lost?

@O11 Dial down the dramatics. He hasn't been removed from his home, he's staying over at school a few nights a week.

OP please ignore the posts here either implying or directly saying your DS wanted to get away from home. It's nasty and smacks of chips on shoulders to me.

I (full, so not even weekly) boarded, loved it, and am close to my family. I also have a second family of my school friends who I lived with in term time - 30 years later they are still extremely close friends and like sisters.

If I could even near afford to do it for my kids I would without a second thought. With the right support at home your DS will have an amazing time and experience lots of opportunities. He'll make friends for life and grow a healthy independence. I hope he settles in well and you feel better tomorrow.

The long summer holidays have clearly taken their toll on some people.....

I can tell you it is like a bereavement, there are no words to describe it, only other parents will know the sick feeling and the dreadful loss, but it does pass, eventually it gets a little better each time they go.

WTF?!

Forgot all of us that use boarding schools are relinquishing our parental duties. 🤔 Not every boarding school costs ££££s by the way.

OP I remember the feeling when my eldest first went, it's horrible for us parents, especially worrying if you've made the right choice etc. My DD has thrived in her school, smashed her Nat 5s which I don't think would have happened had she ended up in the local academy. My youngest is set to follow her sister next year.

Your feelings are valid. You are shock allowed to miss the child you've just packed off to boarding school without a care in the world......😂

Counselling?! The melodrama on here is unbelievable

Well, you chose it as the best option for him so you will just have to adapt. I'm sure that it will be worth it for all the good things your paying masses of money for.

Well they have definitely taken their toll on you. That's for sure.

But she's still allowed to miss him ffs.

I'm noticing that most of the pro-boarding posters are suggesting that the OP "pushes through" her feelings of sadness and loss. Another take on it might be that it's important to attend to and if necessary act upon your feelings. If it feels sad and "wrong" maybe that's vital information. I would argue that many people who have been through the boarding school experience have been "taught" (manipulated) to ignore their feelings, or have had to suppress their emotions as a coping mechanism in a traumatic environment.

have not RTFT but i can't scroll past this

"How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???"
I imagine they prefer it that way, otherwise why do it?!

bollocks. For a lot of them it is extremely hard but unavoidable.

OP my view is (as a Mum who also allowed her child to attend great boarding schools) it's great preparation for independent life. They learn fantastic skills regarding how to get on with lots of people. I promise you'll feel better tmrw. Today is probably a bit raw but a good nights sleep will do wonders. Enjoy writing to him & visiting to watch matches/plays etc. The void in your home will become less stark-he is coming back. I worked out that term time is slightly less than 1/2 the year, so he'll be home for good amounts of time. Try and keep busy & see people irl who make you happy!

How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

The reality is most dont make that choice.

You have, its obviously a different situation for every family in terms of weighing up what's best for their child. For most families it doesn't suit them and its not an option they entertain.

For other families, its the best option for their child, it makes them sad as parents but they are comforted by the knowledge it's the best choice for their child.

God the vitriol on here. Take a check on yourself

Maybe it improves their maths skills?

It’s not unavoidable in most cases though.
If my DH had to work overseas and we couldn’t take the dc then there is no way I would be going either. The cases where Boarding is unavoidable are very rare and usually involve unique opportunities or a difficult situation at home

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination which of those boarding experiences that I listed no longer apply to today's boarders, in your view? The bullying? The germs cycling around and around the dorms? The absolute relentless inability to get enough sleep?

When I was at boarding school we were often told to be grateful and not complain because "it's not like boarding school in (insert previous decade)". It was true, of course, but somehow the experience was still really fucking tough.

I personally couldn’t let my son go- it would destroy me and I’d also be concerned if he wished to leave home at 13.

I honestly think you must make him aware that he can change his mind st any time. All this talk of "we all agreed it would be a great opportunity" would be very difficult to go against at age 13. He would feel he was throwing it all away.

Some interesting posts on this thread but I can’t help but feel they’d be better on a separate thread, as they’re largely not relevant to OP and smack of kicking a woman when she’s down. A bit like turning up on someone’s thread on Pregnancy Choices to debate the ethics of abortion.

I'm noticing that most of the pro-boarding posters are suggesting that the OP "pushes through" her feelings of sadness and loss. Another take on it might be that it's important to attend to and if necessary act upon your feelings. If it feels sad and "wrong" maybe that's vital information. I would argue that many people who have been through the boarding school experience have been "taught" (manipulated) to ignore their feelings, or have had to suppress their emotions as a coping mechanism in a traumatic environment.

I agree.

It reminds me of that song in The Book of Mormon....

Turn it off, like a light switch........