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First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

459 replies

muppetsmum · 05/09/2022 14:47

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

OP posts:
absolutelyanythingwilldo · 05/09/2022 17:59

Pruella · 05/09/2022 15:24

Yeah this really.

What a couple of heartless wenches you are.

goldfinchonthelawn · 05/09/2022 18:00

Have I missed something about what 'weekly boarding' means? The OP will see her son every weekend. She isn't abandoning him. And he is 13 not 7.
I am as vociferously against boarding school as anyone else if people are sending their primary school kids away for weeks on end. But a few days at a time for a teenager, so he gets loads of extra curricular, proper rest and designated study time on weeknights and sees family every weekend? I can't see how that is going to cause lasting damage. If he's unhappy, OP will know and can reconsider, which she sounds like she'd do.

Pruella · 05/09/2022 18:00

Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2022 17:58

So we either allow/send our children to live somewhere else or wrap them in cotton wool?
Those are not the only options

And you seem to be a bit confused about what a pronoun is and how it’s used

Also a bit confused about there/ their. Maybe you need a good school yourself?

CornishTiger · 05/09/2022 18:00

Gosh some nasty comments on here but as soon as I saw the title I knew they’d appear.

Let your son know he can change his mind at anytime.

Make sure you have uninterrupted time when you see him as well as allowing him off to see his mates if he wants.

I’m sure You will adjust but it’ll feel empty. Be proud you have raised a child who is mature and brave enough to try this.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 05/09/2022 18:01

MuddlerInLaw · 05/09/2022 15:29

Presumably your son will be home in a couple of weeks?

Hes WEEKLY boarding, he'll be home at the weekend.

IrisVersicolor · 05/09/2022 18:01

1Wanda1 · 05/09/2022 17:30

@IrisVersicolor

"I totally disagree that 13 year olds can’t make a decision to board for themselves, any more than they can’t make a decision they prefer day school.

In either case the school may not be as they expected, but that goes for any school. I chose my school from 3 I passed the entrance exam for - I had no idea what any of them would be like I just went with the one I liked the most.

The 2 teens I know who chose to board are very happy with their choice."

That's great. Anecdotal evidence is just that: anecdotal. As a child miserable at boarding school I also presented as confident and happy in the choice - because I didn't see it as a choice. I'd said I wanted to go, my parents made sacrifices to make it happen - I couldn't throw that all away by saying how much I hated it. That's MY anecdotal evidence. Children are children, however much they seem "capable of deciding". It works for some, not for others.

So your anecdotal evidence is that you didn’t have the gumption to tell your parents you were unhappy with your choice. That’s up to you.

I mentioned above that one of the teens I know who chose to board, her mum is one of my oldest friends and she was very unhappy at boarding school herself. She told her parents she was unhappy but they insisted she stayed, because she’d already moved schools.

At first she told her DD no way, then when her DD persisted, she explained all the downsides and how unhappy she had been. Finally when her DD insisted she said ok, but you can change your mind any time if you don’t enjoy it.

Fact is though, she loves it and what didn’t work for my friend works for her DD.

Hoppinggreen · 05/09/2022 18:02

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 05/09/2022 18:01

Hes WEEKLY boarding, he'll be home at the weekend.

Let’s hope so

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 05/09/2022 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Stop projecting your experience years ago onto modern weekly boarding. FFS.

Teentaxidriver · 05/09/2022 18:04

As a former boarder, you must accept that your relationship with him will be changed permanently. Being at boarding school makes children a lot more independent and self-reliant. Both great traits but, in my experience, it also makes you less close to your parents. You realise that you don't need them as much and you grow apart. You should be prepared for that. Did you board as a child OP?

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/09/2022 18:05

Bloody hell. Honestly, ignore most of the replies here.

Keep busy, enjoy the weekends and listen if he changes his mind.

Festoonlights · 05/09/2022 18:06

It is great you have given your child the freedom and choice to choose where he is school op, after all he will be 14 very soon and will become a young man.

Try to focus on all the positives for him. We have done both day and boarding schools and you can not compare in terms of experience, excitement and bonding. It depends on the child, of course, but for us dd flourished in an atmosphere that was so sporty and fun. At 14/15 you often don't see teens anyway - mine used to come to sleep only and I used to wonder what was the point in them coming home at all.
The very point of teen life is to learn to develop your own sense of self and identity without your parents telling you what you should be/do/feel like. I realised the tension with teens often comes from being stifled by parents, as it becomes a much more equal partnership as they get older - discussing things in a more adult way and BS really helps with this.

Roll on the weekend op!

PolarPolly27 · 05/09/2022 18:06

SobranieCocktail · 05/09/2022 17:43

I too was very keen to board...The reality of it was utterly awful. Please make sure he knows he can change his mind, and try your best to get keep the lines of communication with him open and honest.

One of the worst things for me was how the boarding school experience made it almost impossible to be honest about how unhappy I was. The school was in hindsight very manipulative, with so much pressure to "succeed" in the environment, and shame if you were struggling. My parents had no idea how awful it was until after I'd been to therapy as an adult.

To present an opposite view, I loved boarding school and was very happy there. I'm still good friends with quite a few of my class mates, several of whom currently have daughters boarding at the same school. I chose to board and was free to change my mind at any time.

O11 · 05/09/2022 18:07

CatsAreCrackers · 05/09/2022 17:42

Because quite a lot of the 18 year olds I have known are partying their money away and are not ready to to think of such future necessities as house deposits, surely that makes her "more mature" as she has thought about the future? And no, I don't think she is "cognitively advanced". She also still loves unicorns and her teddies...

At 18, partying and not thinking about house deposits is absolutely age appropriate. You may well find that as your DD reaches a similar age and enjoys her independence that she will suddenly be far less interested in saving for a house.

If anything, unicorns and teddies at 13 sounds a little on the young side...nothing wrong with that, but arguably more of a reason not to put the big decisions in her hands yet.

Jamaisy82 · 05/09/2022 18:08

Some people can do it. I personally couldn't see my child only once a week at a such a young age. If your child is happy though and ends up enjoying it thats the main thing. It will take some getting used to of course.

SobranieCocktail · 05/09/2022 18:09

"So your anecdotal evidence is that you didn’t have the gumption to tell your parents you were unhappy with your choice. That’s up to you."

Nice bit of victim blaming there.

nancydroo · 05/09/2022 18:09

I was sent to boarding aged 8 when I asked why my parents said you wanted to go. Changed my whole identity and cried most days for three years. Only until I was losing weight, getting much lower grades and my behaviour changed did they pull me out. Damage done. Permeated every area of life since. It's sad boarding still exists. Read Boarding School Syndrome book which shows how it affects the kids when they are adults. Ah well good luck. He is older might be different

Festoonlights · 05/09/2022 18:09

And whisper it quietly, some boarding schools ARE indeed just like Mallory Towers. Sssssssshhhhh!

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 05/09/2022 18:11

SisterGabriel · 05/09/2022 16:07

Can you have him home for a mid-week sleepover after sport on a Wednesday?

Its an hour away, so not overly practical I'd have thought.

stillavid · 05/09/2022 18:12

I think people need to remember that boarding now is not like it was 20 years ago.

If you have a dc who does a lot out of school then it is entirely possible for your child to be out of the house from 7.30am until 8.30pm most week days and then factor in school/club fixtures at weekends and they aren't at home a lot anyway.

OP - I hope it goes well. Send him a card in the post or a small parcel to let him know you are thinking of him.

Boarding certainly isn't for every child but for some it is a great opportunity.

CatsAreCrackers · 05/09/2022 18:13

O11 · 05/09/2022 18:07

At 18, partying and not thinking about house deposits is absolutely age appropriate. You may well find that as your DD reaches a similar age and enjoys her independence that she will suddenly be far less interested in saving for a house.

If anything, unicorns and teddies at 13 sounds a little on the young side...nothing wrong with that, but arguably more of a reason not to put the big decisions in her hands yet.

Good job I know my daughter better than you then! 😉

MaryJoLisa · 05/09/2022 18:13

@muppetsmum it takes some time to get used to and home feels very strange without them. You will get used to it though and can plan lovely things for the weekends to spend your time together. DD went at 11 and I felt like I'd lost my right arm for ages, but it does get easier.

beachcitygirl · 05/09/2022 18:14

Your 13 year old child chose not to live under your roof.
That would break my heart too.

I however would have sought counselling to try & fix the issues.
I wouldn't have sent him away from home.

I have zero sympathy

beachcitygirl · 05/09/2022 18:15

@Festoonlights

From some one who actually is a bereaved mum.
How fucking dare you.

O11 · 05/09/2022 18:17

CatsAreCrackers · 05/09/2022 18:13

Good job I know my daughter better than you then! 😉

Well, of course. But never as well as you would have done if you'd chosen to actually live with her

Onceuponatimethen · 05/09/2022 18:17

There was bullying in Mallory Towers, tears and unhappy kids