First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

[muppetsmum]

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

Gotta say, the difference between this thread and those discussing sending disabled children to residential schools/homes...

Actually, boarding school does provide wonderful opportunities that state schools can't. Why do you think that parents are happy to pay thousands a year, if not for small classes, highly qualified staff who are passionate about their subjects, a wealth of extra curricular events, all coupled with the probability of gaining the best exam results the child is capable of?

Most of the anti boarding comments on this thread, I suspect are down to sour grapes because the posters can't afford to give their own children such opportunities.

@Workinghardeveryday do you still tuck your 16yo into bed?

Also remember in this day and age there are plenty of ways that they can communicate to you, so it is not like the old days when you might get a weekly letter. OP's child is a weekly boarder so I assume leaves home Monday morning and is home Friday afternoon, so still plenty of time to have a chat. And OP's child chose this option, it was not forced on them

Most Private Day schools and some Comprehensives also offer those things, plus the DC live at home

In my case, my parents did not recognise the value of the role of emotional support for their children.
They valued education and they valued their children having the chance to make social connections with other people from families of influence. They valued the opportunities for involvement in sports and other activities that state schools didn't have.

Because they were emotionally neglectful I was happier at boarding school than at home as there was more emotional support available to me at school than at home.
My parents weren't aware that they were emotionally neglectful, they thought they were great parents and in some ways they were. I expect there are still a lot of parents who are similar to mine and thus their children may well be happier at a boarding school than at home.
In a way it's self selecting- if you think your child will be happier at boarding school you are probably correct.
If you think the reverse then again you are probably correct.

That's very insightful @Snog - it won't be the last word no doubt, but feels like it should be.

Absolutely not sour grapes from me. DD starts at a state grammar tomorrow which is the best school in the area, consistently outperforming every private school. Plenty of opportunities and passionate staff.
No we wouldn't be able to afford boarding school but why would we want to, when she can obtain a better education for free, and be there in under 10 minutes on the bus? And, you know, still live with us? Even if we won the lottery we wouldn't dream of boarding school. And if she wasn't academic and not grammar material, we still wouldn't dream of boarding school.

Anti boarding comments are because people find it abhorrent, not because they're jealous.

No sour grapes from me.

My children have all this as day pupils at a public school.

Some of you seem to think that if you’re not boarding, you’re being dragged up. It’s offensive to the majority of parents who wouldn’t dream of farming out their kids regardless of financial ability.

@Workinghardeveryday

As a mum I want to be there for them, I cannot get my head around actually choosing education over relationships with my children.

You're still having a dig, dressed up as wide eyed 'curiosity'.

Parents of boarders don't sacrifice relationship for education. It's entirely possible to have both. If you don't have experience of what you're talking about, just pipe down.

Absolutely not sour grapes from me. DD starts at a state grammar tomorrow which is the best school in the area, consistently outperforming every private school. Plenty of opportunities and passionate staff

UK state school funding per pupil is just under £7000 per year. How can state schools give their students the same opportunities as boarding schools where parents are paying three times that amount? There are some state schools which compare favourably with private schools in terms of academic results (most of them don't) but the children certainly don't have the same extra curricular opportunities or individual attention.

It’s the old “you don’t agree with my choices because you are jealous” bullshit
I could send my DC to boarding school from a financial perspective but not from any other. They are actually at a Private Secondary, 5 minutes walk from home so I am not anti Private school at all, just anti boarding
And no just Boarding schools from20 years ago but now, where I collect family members from when they need a break (and they do)

Look I have obviously touched a nerve with you and that was not my intention.

It is not a dig. I cannot understand why any parent would do that, as in my question is how do you justify it? Education is definitely more important than relationship.

without reading the whole thread I am guessing your kids board? You are very defensive.

I did not board but I have met a few people who have.

In my experience the ones who went to a same sex school really struggled to be socially comfortable with the opposite sex, said inappropriate things etc.

I have a close friend who boarded, he hated it. The stories he has told me are desperately sad. He has the same opinion as me in that he would never send his kids to boarding school.

I guess the kids at a boarding school get more attention from teachers than kids at day school (state or private) - given that they are there for many more hours it would be strange if they didn’t.

but do they get more attention from teachers than they’d get from their parents? I doubt it. And if the answer is yes, then boarding school probably is right for those kids.

without reading the whole thread I am guessing your kids board? You are very defensive.

They don't, no. I did, but our kids don't because we can't run to the fees for boarding.

I'm not being defensive for myself. It's simply that I can't quite believe how many people can come on to a thread where the main theme is how sad the OP is, and their most considered response is to heavily imply she is a bad mother. It's mad. As I've said before, there's a real person reading all of these posts; they can potentially really hurt someone who is having a low moment.

Well it's not quite that simple is it?
I mean, for a start if you are paying for an independent boarding school then a substantial part of the fees must be for the boarding element, hence if that is not included the budget obviously needs to be less.
How do state schools provide a wide range of extracurricular activities? Well plenty of them are chargeable for a start, so parents are still paying for them, just in a different way - buying individual items rather than All Inclusive if you like. Or the participants fundraise. (And surely that still happens in the independent sector anyway? My niece is at a very well known indy boarding school and she's forever fundraising for some sports' tour or other.) Others are provided on a voluntary basis, by teachers, parents, members of the community etc - they aren't necessarily part of the school's funding. For example, one of my sons had saiking lessons at school. We paid, but the rate was significantly discounted as a local club provided their equipment and services at a reduced rate as they are community minded (and gain lots of new members as a result.) There's also a rowing club. The boats were donated, if I recall rightly, by the local Rotary or Lions Club, not funded from the school budget. My other son went to the international finals of a STEM competition, the school team having been selected to represent England. That was a pretty amazing opportunity. The club was run by a teacher but with considerable support from a number of parents with relevant expertise, and the costs of the trip were sponsored by local STEM related industries. None of these things is in any way related to the funding per pupil received by the school.
There are good, bad and indifferent schools of all types and more than one successful way of delivering high quality education. You really can't generalise. There are also other opportunities afforded by not being at particular schools. In fact one of the reasons I removed my daughter from our local independent school was because the hours and the demands they made on her time out of school was proving detrimental to her chosen hobby (now career.).
What is "best" for any individual child and their family depends on a wide variety of factors, not least the quality of facilities available locally. Had we not had excellent local state provision I would have paid privately. But fortunately for us we do, and that frees up time and money to be spent on other things. No sour grapes here. We could have easily afforded private but it doesn't represent particularly good value for us. I accept completely that it will do for other families.There's more than one way to skin at cat!
Anyway, boarding and independent aren't synonymous. There are plenty of state boarding schools and lots more private day schools. You seem to be arguing in favour of independent schools rather than boarding and they're not the same thing. My misgivings about boarding are nothing to do with private vs state education.

Boarding school now is very different from boarding school even 20 years ago, let alone 40 years ago.
There is so much more awareness of the need for good pastoral care for a start.
Then the ability to communicate with home via phones, facetime whatever.
The boarding options are all so much greater, so many options to 'day board' flexi board or 'weekly board'.

It's like uni. I read about what kids take to uni with them these days, and parents being able to send amazon parcels etc, and all the en suite rooms etc. It is a world away from my uni experience (one pay phone shared between 150 students).

Things change. People should stop being so judgemental of others choices.

14 year old surely, and weekly boarding. It’s not the same as leaving home.

Ooops totally missed the following pages of responses. Ignore me.

Anyway, boarding and independent aren't synonymous. There are plenty of state boarding schools and lots more private day schools. You seem to be arguing in favour of independent schools rather than boarding and they're not the same thing. My misgivings about boarding are nothing to do with private vs state education

Boarding and independent generally are synonymous, given that there are 34 UK state boarding schools as opposed to approximately 500 private boarding schools. I'm saying that private boarding offers excellent opportunities, particularly now that most schools offer flexi-boarding. They are primarily businesses and they rely on the goodwill of their paying customers - i.e. parents. If the children are not happy, parents take them away and the business fails.
The OP said she missed her son which is understandable, but since he isn't going away for weeks at a time, I'm sure she'll get used to the situation, knowing that her son is having a great education.

I see where you are coming from yes, but I do find it hard to empathise with the op feeling sad when she chose this for herself and her son.

I wouldn’t consider it because it would break my heart, she chose to….

@Workinghardeveryday

It's fine - I just don't think you get it. There's a nuanced difference between this thread title, and for example, "Undecided about boarding school, what are people's views?" In the latter you'd be perfectly reasonable to share your opinion. In this one, not so much. The OP didn't ask for views on boarding. She asked for tips on how to cope with missing her son.

I'm not trying to get at you personally at all, there are tons of posters doing the same.

If someone posted "what do you think of abortion" - all opinions would be fair and reasonable. If they posted "struggling after abortion" then posting pro-life views wouldn't be reasonable. In that instance you'd be kinder to keep quiet. Same here.

Hopefully that makes sense.

@Workinghardeveryday I see where you are coming from yes, but I do find it hard to empathise with the op feeling sad when she chose this for herself and her son.

You find it hard to empathise because they chose this? What an odd reason. Most big decisions have their pro's and cons. Just because OP feels this is best for her son, doesn't mean she isn't allowed to feel sad at one of the cons while still knowing she has made the right decision.

Totally agree with this. I find it discouraging that this happens so often on mumsnet, posters are so eager to partake their wisdom and their ire on the situation that they don't stop to consider the question that is being asked. It's not surprising, and I haven't been on here long but I wouldn't start a thread without considering the negatives, and what can be taken and twisted in any part of the given situation. It's almost like a sport, and not a very desirable one.

With is a bloody shame really, given it's supposed to be mumsnet. Most of us can relate to missing our children? Maybe not in this context but that was what the thread was about. Or supposed to be about.

Mumsnet is not supportive in the main (although there are some very impressive posters who I love seeing!), Because it does not matter your position or your problem. You literally cannot win.

@Creativecrafts because parents top up
that spending, FFS.
state pays towards our children’s education and then we pay for clubs, holidays, museum trips, art galleries, skiing..: whatever we think our children would benefit from. Plus they escape the entitled stigma that rightly or wrongly attaches itself to people like me who went to boarding school.
I can’t stand the thought of my children boarding but that is because both DH and I hated it. No sour grapes, just delight that we get to spend every moment we can with our kids until they fly the nest, and that they are happy and flourishing at schools done the road and that we spend any free money we have on enriching whole family activities.

I think that is a just summary.

Posters cannot or choose not to detach from their own personal reaction on something to give objective advice.