First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

[muppetsmum]

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

Easy to say, but if you were in the position of having to leave an island where you have grown up yourself, and multiple generations of your family have lived, you might feel differently. A lot of these remote communities are under threat as it is, so if every family with secondary school aged children left, an entire way of life would die out. If that's your culture and heritage, it's probably not simple to just move away. Plus if you've grown up with the expectation and have been through that system yourself then you may well feel differently about it. I guess it's hard to know when you're not in that position.
I'm sure it's not easy for either the children or parents but I don't think it's a black and white issue.

You could say similar about parents who work full time and put kids into childcare. I did work full time and as a result probably got about 4 hours a day with mine which was mostly spent feeding, bathing and coaxing them into bed. Should I have not bothered to reproduce either?

I can't speak for myself as I went to a Black Country comp (happily) but my DH boarded from 11. The official explanation was that his Dad had a posting (military) he couldn't be schooled on, but I think it is nearer the truth that he was becoming feral.

It was the right school for him and he talks fondly of it (I'm not sure they were quite so enamoured of him, some of the time) Most importantly he retained a very close and loving relationship with his parents for the rest of their lives.

It's not a generic happy post about boarding schools though. She's made a choice which let's face it most of the population wouldn't dream of doing, and now she's whining about how hard it is for her. Of course it's hard to send your child away, it goes against all instincts and that's why most parents don't do it. It was bound to attract comments.

This is the side of parenting no one warns you about! One minute they are part of your life every minute of the day, and next...

Our DD is home for a break (was supposed to be longer) from her o/s base and as her departure date looms, I just don't want her to go and feel resentful her employer needs her back sooner than anticipated. She doesn't know this of course, although DH does. The covid lockdowns didn't help either.

I'm sorry but I don't have any answers for you apart from acknowledging I understand how you are feeling. I try and get myself out and busy, but that isn't enough. I suspect the answer is just to try and find some sort of peace and acceptance of the change, but I'm struggling to do so. Hope you do better at that than me. x

It's not a generic happy post about boarding schools though. She's made a choice which let's face it most of the population wouldn't dream of doing, and now she's whining about how hard it is for her. Of course it's hard to send your child away, it goes against all instincts and that's why most parents don't do it. It was bound to attract comments.

The fact it's not a "happy post" makes it even worse that people are piling on her.

Don't have anything nice to say - perhaps don't say anything at all.

I think people should sometimes just stop and think about who is reading the bile they're spouting. It doesn't matter whether you agree with boarding or not - if the OP is coming on saying she's feeling upset the day after her DD is gone off - responding by telling her she's a - paraphrased - terrible mother is an intentional desire to hurt her further. Just be a fucking human being and stay silent if you've nothing of positive value to add. Debate the values of boarding on another thread, not on such a personal one. There are many posters on this thread that this is directed at.

For the first time I haven’t read the thread, just your first post.

As a mum of cannot understand why you think this is best for him?

I do not want to sound like I am coming across as mean in anyway, but why would you think it best to send your son of to board? Surely you would want to bring him up with your morals and beliefs, not a boarding school?

Honestly, I am not having a dig at you, but as a mum, I just could not ever think about doing that

Amen to that.

Totally agree. I know it can go horribly wrong especially if they are very young. I've known a couple of casualties of being sent away when they were 6- 7ish, one straight after a parental death and it is not hard to see what was wrong there, but with an older child who actively wants to experience it, it is can be a good experience.

This is very much what the OP is talking about and being pilloried for and the pile on is really uncalled for. He has gone to a boarding school he wants to be at, not a gulag.

Honestly, I am not having a dig at you, but as a mum, I just could not ever think about doing that

You, quite literally, are doing just that.

I've read all your posts @CatsAreCrackers
I grew up as an expat child moving around to further my dad's career.

Unless you also grew up as an expat, im guessing I have more experience of what that feels like than you do.

Well said.

The desire of some to cause pain to other people on here never fails to chill me.

I think its unfair you're getting so much judgement when you've made a decision - very difficult for you - to do what is best for your son.

It's a shame we can't be more supportive of each other. I hope you settle soon op

Thank you Festoonlights and many others who have been so supportive. I really value reading your experiences and perspectives and many constructive suggestions. It's really helped me analyse why I feel a sense of loss which is quite obviously out of proportion to what the situation actually is. I certainly never intended to imply any comparison to a bereavement, I was merely reporting what my daughter said to me which really gave me a reality check. So I'm truly sorry if I expressed this clumsily and caused offence. Excellent points about trying to reframe the change in family life and also the prod about my daughter. Exactly the common sense pep talk I needed, sometimes you just can't see the wood for the trees. What I have now realised is that my sadness is more for the loss of that stage of life, really, and having to hand over the parenting reins for some of the time (to people I trust, in the knowledge that he has the agency to tell us if it isn't working for him), in exchange for the multitude of short and long term benefits we all feel he will derive from this. I do not come from a boarding background at all and no matter how carefully you have weighed a decision, you never really know how you will react until it happens.

BTW, I have asked MN Admin if they might consider a separate area for discussing boarding as it is such an offensive topic to some people. That way these people can hopefully avoid stumbling across posts relating to it. Others might like to make a similar request because it seems to be an area that Mums might welcome support with if they could ask for it it without so much negativity and judgement being provoked.

Excellent idea, I have asked too.

I asked for a sub board for state school last year as I have found the board cluttered with private school issues which are only of interest to a small percentage of MNers. I was turned down but perhaps if there are voices from 'the other side' who agree then maybe they'll revisit?

I suspect parents of boarders are such a tiny minority that a thread in a paying school section would do the job

I don't have any experience of boarding school but there really isn't any reason for people to be so bloody awful

He's 13, not a small child and will be home at weekends . If he hates it then it's not like he has to stay there!

Like a pp said by 14/15 they tend to either be out and about the majority of the time or in their rooms with headphones on.

Iys always hard when you don't see them every day, even when they are young adults and go off to uni or 21 like my eldest was when he moved out .

My 11&9 year old have just spent 6 weeks at their dad's in Ireland as he only sees them a few times a year. It's difficult but you do get used to it

I would support a boarding thread, but not a private school one.
The only time things get cluttered with private school threads is on choosing schools time, which ebbs and flows, and then another time it is cluttered with grammar school issues, and another time with state waiting lists & appeals. I get a bit fed up with the 'London' posts too especially everyone assuming we will know the schools (I know more about some of them now than is of any benefit to me).

Boarding is a 'niche' issue so people would go there for boarding issues but would probably still come to the main boards for GCSEs etc.

If there was a private school board there would be sufficient parents there they would likely start discussing general issues like GCSE options there too. I personally think that would be to the detriment of quality of discussion for both private and state parents alike.

@Clymene I know what you mean but there are plenty of private day school parents who seem happy to be super judgemental about parents whose kids board. Not every boarding school is private, and many issues that parents post about transcend independent vs state, like GCSE choices, bullying, whether to switch to a new school, etc.

It's worth a shot anyway to see if a boarding schools board helps keep the judgemental comments at bay to allow actually helpful advice. @MNHQ would be interested to hear your thoughts!

This is my experience too, @mandala. We call it "country boarding" in London and it's exactly like you said in a previous post:

most of the London prep school kids (those who don't get into the top tier independents) get funnelled into boarding at 13... even though parents at the beginning of this school journey never planned this (or wanted this)

My DD 16 has just started boarding in France, its challenging for her but she wanted to do it and I support her. She's enjoying it so far and made friends. It's a great opportunity for her and the lycée has great facilities.

I saw some photos of our local private school’s boarding house. It looked like a fancy hotel, I’d quite happily live there!

At 13 I am sure he is perfectly capable of saying I made a mistake if he didn’t like it or is unhappy. He is getting to that age where friends start to become more important, how great he can spend more time with them and do his sporting activities, but also be able to come home at weekends and holidays.

At that age some teenagers start holing themselves up in their room and start stepping back from family life. Might be better that he is in an environment where he has to be sociable

I am genuinely sorry that you suffered for the sake of your dad's career and understand you are looking at the thread with an understandable bitterness but in your last attack on me you were nasty and told me "You made a choice where you prioritised your husband's (I assume) career progression over your children" and that my daughter no longer needed me!

You have no idea of the life myself, my husband and my daughter have had. So making assumptions as to who has more experience is pointless. My daughter going to boarding school had literally NOTHING to do with his career progression as he was in the same job he had been in for over 20 years. If you really need to know, his career progressed just last year, in my daughters THIRD year of boarding. So please stop projecting.

It was a valid question, I don’t understand as a mum why any mother would actually choose to send their children to boarding schools.

I did say I wasn’t having a dig, because I didn’t want to come across if I was, apologise if I have.

My dd16 is just about to start college, uni next, I already feel a bit empty at the thought of her going off to uni.

My dd11 and ds11 are just about to start high school, I cannot imagine not seeing them every day to discuss school/friendship/body changing issues. To have the closeness. The times they may be a bit quiet and say nothing is wrong but tell you when you are tucking them in what is bothering them etc. All that will go if they were boarding.

As a mum I want to be there for them, I cannot get my head around actually choosing education over relationships with my children.