First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

[muppetsmum]

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

"Then it turned out my daughter had a mind of her own, she didn't demand to go, she put forward a compelling argument, we had a pro's and cons discussion and came to a decision together"

Most children have minds if their own and will put forward compelling arguments. The difference is, they have the experience and insight of a ten year old and you have the experience and insight of an adult, so you can surely put a more compelling argument back. If all else fails, surely you can just tell them you can only afford day school fees.

If your child put forward a compelling argument to live in a certain house, or to move overseas, I'm sure you'd have no problem saying "No" if you didn't want to do that.

Now you are just being goady. Stop it, it's boring.

You aren't reading my posts properly. We agreed with her arguments. She was right. Much as though it broke our hearts, even with our grown up point of view, her point of view was right. If we had disagreed and thought it was not the right choice for her, she wouldn't have gone and we'd have explained why. But her reasons were valid, you can agree to something even if it hurts if you know it's the right thing to do...

She doesn't need you anymore @CatsAreCrackers. You sent her to board at 11, she has developed her carapace and you are no longer the most important influence on her life.

You made a choice where you prioritised your husband's (I assume) career progression over your children

To be honest, I do have a few friends whose children have weekly boarded at 13 and they are all absolutely lovely people and wonderful caring mums. But this is London and, in the preps, I'm afraid their is a lot of anxiety and dinner party title tattle about "What school. ?" The ones who don't get into certain day schools (or most of them) are inevitably steered by the preps towards weekly or full boarding and it's astonishing to watch how the parents seem to get persuaded. It's very insidious. There are perfectly good day schools locally with all the sports and facilities you can imagine, but because they are not "top tier" the parents feel embarrassed for their kids to go there. This morphs into a sudden need to send them into out of London altogether "for the sports and opportunities, you understand...," One mum told me her daughter was going for "-all the hockey." But her daughter was 10 and had barely played hockey !

Catsarecrackers - you know your daughter best and I apologise for any offence.

I haven't met a thread on mumsnet where any opportunity to take nasty and low digs hasn't been taken advantage of. I get that it very much comes with the territory but it gets very boring! You kind of become immune to the nastiness. That's not a good thing is it?

@IrisVersicolor You blamed a PP poster who was unhappy at boarding school claiming she lacked the gumption to do anything about a decision her parents made for her aged 8. You are nowhere near as objective on this topic as you think you are if that is how you react to a poster who had a bad time at boarding school, without attacking the accounts from the PPs who posted positive experiences. Moreover, those of us who have experienced it are under no obligation to pretend to be objective when we are obviously not going to be objective having gone through the subjective experience of it.

And lobbying your parents to move from one day school to another is a different conversation to asking them whether they'll let you live with them full time after it's been made clear they don't want you there.

Some very strange people on here. I was your son OP, begged to (weekly) board…and bloody loved it. Loved school, had some incredible experiences I would never had got at a day or state school and feel slightly sad my children will never experience them (financially private school is unlikely) I have a wonderful relationship with my parents as do my siblings who also boarded, in our adulthood we have all lived back at home at one point or another, in our 30s with our own families still have big family holidays together, talk to each other almost everyday, spend Christmas all together etc. In fact all of my friends who I boarded with (nearly 20 years later we are still close friends) also have great relationships with their parents. We have great fun reminiscing about our school days!

😂😂😂
You obviously haven't read anything properly. I started typing a long reply as to why you are so unbelievably wrong on ALL of it and decided I couldn't be bothered. Believe what you want. I know the truth.

If your feeling so sad yet you ‘know it’s good for him’ - how do you think he feels?
its not natural for children to be living away from their parents and family.

and no matter how much you will convince yourself that it’s all in his best interest, and ‘he will love it’ - that bond you previously had with him, won’t be as close as it once was.

Children are only young once and no matter how independent you think he may be at this age; Children need their parents more than two days a week on scheduled time.

Honest post

I love how divisive boarding is. So funny. Often though it’s the ones that never went anywhere near a school that offered it that recoil in horror at the idea of it, so are talking from hypothetical (judgemental) non-experience.

I boarded, out of choice, and loved it. I only did weekly like the OP’s son and was home at the weekend. Most of my siblings didn’t want to, so didn’t. My relationship with my parents is the same as theirs. Healthy and rather lovely, actually.

I expect the parentals missed us a bit during the week, but they never put any pressure on us to feel responsible for their happiness. And we all had mobiles so could text if we wanted to.

It was just….school. Not a huge drama and I certainly didn’t feel like I’d left home. Even at uni I didn’t feel like I’d left as I was home for holidays. I left when I got my first graduate job and moved a little further away and got my first flat.

There is a huge upside for parents in being more free to concentrate on your own career, hobbies, relationships, less grunt work and caring responsibilities. Better relationship with kids as school takes on discipline and homework responsibilities etc leaving the nice stuff and holidays for parents.
This was my mother's experience anyway. I went to a full boarding school with hardly any day pupils and no weekly boarding.
She did miss me and visited most Wednesday afternoons which was definitely for her benefit not mine.
I enjoyed boarding but then home was never a happy place for me and I was also unhappy at my previous day school.
You will know if your son is enjoying it.
Focus on enjoying your own life beyond being his mother and enjoy all the upsides and celebrate the new kind of relationship you can have with your son.

I’m not blaming anyone.

If you actually read my posts on this thread one of my best friends was miserable at boarding school. Newsflash: I know some people hate it. Equally I know some people love it. That’s objectivity. Nobody, but nobody knows which category OP’s DS will fall into. It was his choice to go and if he doesn’t like it he can tell the OP. Just like any other school.

What on earth are you taking about parents not wanting them there? No relevance to the poster whose anecdote you’ve hijacked or to the OP.

Just read that it was a choice for your son between boarding or 2 hours on a bus each day. Not much of a choice to give him imho.

It was just….school. Not a huge drama and I certainly didn’t feel like I’d left home. Even at uni I didn’t feel like I’d left as I was home for holidays. I left when I got my first graduate job and moved a little further away and got my first flat.

I totally agree with this. I didn't feel I'd left home until I was 25, despite having been away at school since 11, and as a full boarder. With weekends and holidays factored in, a weekly boarder will spend more time at home than at school. A weekly boarder that's dropped off at school on a Monday morning will only be away 4 nights out of 7, and only in term time (assuming no Saturday school which is getting rarer now).

, and the clincher is that the best alternative school for him would have meant 2 hours every day on a bus which neither we nor he felt was tolerable…

So his choice was spend 2 hours everyday in the bus to get to school or move out? Hardly a choice is it…

Meh. I would judge parents who sent away their 7/8 year olds, and I also judge the ones who put their kinds into boarding schools abroad and don’t see them from one end of the year to the next.

But a 13 year old choosing to weekly board, I can’t really get excited about. It’s certainly not an option that would be on our radar but it’s not the same as proper, full scale boarding.

If you live in a very remote or rural area then secondary school is boarding

nah I don’t accept this. I’d move a thousand times over before I’d put my child into boarding school.

Some hysterically funny OTT comments here - it’s like a mumsnet version of the Monty Python Yorkshiremen sketch.

I remember hearing Jane Garvey interviewing Miranda Hart on Woman’s Hour a few years back. She simply couldn’t believe that MH had loved boarding and had had a great time.

Worth keeping in mind that a weekly boarder is still only going to spend about 120 nights at school per year.

I think this thread is a really good example of why a separate Boarding board would be a good idea on here. It's grim how people are piling onto the OP for making a choice that thousands of people make every year. Barely anyone has given her any advice about what she's experiencing, just a load of mud slinging. MNHQ- perhaps a boarding board could be added?

@BuzzBuzzBuzzLightyearToTheRescue I'm catching up on Shetland on iplayer at the moment - the secondary school has a boarding house for the kids from remote islands.

www.shetland.gov.uk/schools/anderson-high-school-halls-residence

Same in the Scilly Islands: www.fiveislands.scilly.sch.uk/boarding-mundesley-house/

And if you live on the Scillies, post-16 they will fund a state boarding school plus transport to the mainland.

@snowballer I started a thread on Site Stuff asking for exactly this! Totally agree.