School mum has asked me to lend her money for school fees

[LucillesLooseWheel]

DS is in a prep school (just starting Year 6) and about a year ago, a new boy started.

Yesterday, I got an email from his Mum asking if I could lend her nearly £4000 as she can't pay next term's school fees.

I can afford this, and if she was a close friend I would do so without hesitation. However, I hardly know her. We chat at the school gate/matches etc, and we've had a couple of quick coffees at playdates/parties, but that's really all.

She wants to pay me back over the next six months. The problem is, I'm really not convinced she can pay it back - the backstory that has emerged is long-term debt, home repossession, and now a redundancy. Neither parent is in a particularly well-paying type job.

It's not losing the money that's worrying me (although that's not great, obvs) it's the thought of the MASSIVE awkwardness every time in see her for the next three years if she doesn't pay it back.😬

So, my inclination is to say that I can't afford it, but it will be fairly obvious to her that I can (I'm not blingy at all, but we are lucky to have a large house in an expensive area). Also, I feel sorry for the poor boy He's happy in the school and Year 6 is a big deal - they are about to take high-stakes pre-tests for senior schools. If he had to leave, there's a reasonable likelihood that he would end up at the not-so-great comp near where they live. (There are some fab comps in the area, but they would be lucky to hit catchment).

WHAT SHOULD I DO????

Say no - something like this also happened at a prep near us. Parents were genuine but it’s very awkward. I would say no and I’m a legendary soft touch. I would be saying my husband and I have an agreed rule that neither of us lend out cash ever, which is true.

Next she should approach bursar. They may help. If not then sadly he will have to move schools.

Quite. And you don have to explain it to her eIther.
My neighbours have 2 brand new cars on the drive but they haven't much money at all. It's all show

Bloody hell! I am actually gobsmacked that she asked.

And they only joined a year ago, so either their finances have changed very rapidly or they were always going to find it difficult to pay the fees and thought they could wing it (my suspicion would be the latter given the utter brass cheek of her request).

Definitely the answer is: I’m sorry you’re in this position, I can’t help but do speak to the bursar.

I’m a generous person but this is a clear no situation.
If I wanted to be kind I would let the school know and offer to pay my own child’s fees early if it enabled them to offer grace to the other parent.

It's lovely of you that you would even consider this, but I don't think it's appropriate to hand over that kind of money to a fairly distant acquaintance.

If you could genuinely afford to part with £4000 then donate it to the School's bursary and hardship fund because the school can then assess the magnitude of the genuine need of all potential candidates and make an appropriate provision. For all you know, there could be half a dozen other kids whose parents are in a similarly dire situation and need the money just as much, but their parents wouldn't dream of making a CF direct request like this.

Either give her the money, so no expectation around paying it back, or say no. Her ds doesn't need private school and, if she can't finance private secondary, then Y6 isn't a bad time to join the state system (1 year to make friends before going up to secondary).

Neither a borrower nor a lender be.

Say no. You don't need to give a reason, but you could say you don't have that much disposable cash to lend out, nor can you easily get it. Plenty of people in your position have their money tied up in investments and not readily accessible.
If they can't afford school fees then they'll have to cut their cloth accordingly and take their child out of the school. Prep school is a nice to have, not a necessity so don't feel guilty.
Alternatively give a virtual stranger £4k as you're never going to see it again once it disappears behind the wall of red flags outside their house. Wait for her to reappear in a few months for next term's fees

Crying laughing

Absolutely do not give her the money. If she cannot afford the school fees she has to take her child out and put him in a state school.
Lending money, even to friends, can have stressful outcomes. I lent a friend £1500 last December for 4-6 weeks and am yet to see any of it back. I definitely would not do so for an acquaintance.

So, my inclination is to say that I can't afford it,

No! NEVER give a reason behind your "no" to Cheeky Fuckers!

Just tell her "no, I am unable to do that. Have you discussed it with the school, who may be able to offer you some kind of arrangement?"

She's sworn me to secrecy (fair enough!) so I can't ask anyone else.
This definitely suggests a scam. And given you are hardly the only well-off parent she barely knows at the school, I would certainly assume she is trying it on with the others too.

Actually another possibility is that her email has been hacked, and she isn't the scammer herself. You could actually alert her in person/via text but that does rather leave the door open to a follow-on conversation.

I think this might be a scam. Years ago I worked for an independent school who had its database hacked and fraudulent emails were sent out to our parents asking for fees to be paid into a different account.
Text the mum to check it’s from her first. Don’t reply to the email.

Another No.
Although I'm wondering, if she's swearing you to secrecy who else is she borrowing from & swearing to secrecy? She could be making a nice sum of money "borrowing" from lots of people & everyone is sworn to secrecy! 🤫🤐

For more info - this is a very similar scenario to what I posted earlier re secrecy & not telling anyone. It caused a huge amount of drama not to mention stress and upset for those involved and everyone was talking about it once it became apparent they had asked loads of people on the quiet. They had a great sob story but then were unpleasant and threatening when asked to repay. Living a lifestyle they can't afford is not your problem - they are relying on you feeling guilted into it. Just say it's not possible and that's that - don't get into a conversation about why not. They left the school, put younger DC into local primary and seem to have somehow found a way for the older DC to carry on at a fee paying school.

For context a friend of mine once had a massive cash-flow problem and took the DCs out and into state for a couple of terms before sending them back. All those DCs are absolutely fine and thriving and my DF has her integrity intact.

Just say sorry, you are not in a position to help. That you hope she finds a solution.

She's likely to have messaged lots of others with the same request.

It would be kinder for her child to find a good place at a state school and not have the disruption of changing schools mid year because she can't find January's fees.

It sounds as though her financial problems may be longer term if they don't have the money coming in.

You can't be expected to be paying out for this term, then next term. She probably needs to start making suitable longer term plans for her child.

Sounds a scam. I wouldn't even reply to the email.
Sworn to secrecy 😆 CF

If she has genuinely sent this email then she will get the message you aren't an easy touch.

HELL no!

It would not be a loan, it would be a gift realistically. Are you prepared to give her this money? If yes just give it, say it is a gift and if she talks about paying it back just ask her to give the money to the local food bank. That way there is no awkwardness if she does not give it back.

If you do not want to give her a gift, then you have to say no. Do not makeup that you can not afford it. Just say sorry I can't lend you the money.

And good point about the scam possibility. So reply directly to her, not the email you received. If her email has been hacked this will alert her.

This. It's not as if she has no food in the house or can't pay her electricity bill. Most people haven't got £4000 for school fees.

Say no. She’s cheeky for even asking.
if you don’t feel like you can say no, gift the fees
shes unlikely to pay back anyway

Say no, without giving any reason. It’s odd of her to ask.

Tell her to contact the school as they should have bursaries/hardship fund for this situation. There are grant trust organisations available who help parents with financial difficulties with school fees.

Absolutely no chance, you will never see that money again. And don't give any explanation to the CF.